Thursday, May 19, 2011

The Ultimate Weak Ender: Ready for the Apocalypse?

As most of you know, the world will end on Saturday.
Since our host is preparing himself by pounding Zima tall boys and making a Norah Jones mix cd, it falls to me to post the final word here on THN.

Now, some of you may just think that doomsday predictions are the currency of the pathologically narcissistic- folks convinced on some unconscious level that, unlike the billions of human beings before them, their deaths will not be part of the ongoing cycle of life like rain returning to the sea. No, theirs will be a transformation of space and time itself. The very universe shall cease to be at the exact moment that they do. What's so conceited about that?

Others here will be quick to point out that the "Rapture" doesn't appear anywhere in the Bible. They will assert that it is a wilful misreading of lines stripped of their context performed by the theologically illiterate. A misreading designed to let the believer indulge in not only a sense of moral superiority, but the certitude that all those who think, love, or worship differently than they do will be visited with unimaginable suffering while the believer gets to watch. What could be more Christian than that? Let's see where your fancy book-learning gets you while you're bobbing for offal in a lake of molten lava, Smart Guy!

And sure some of you will assume these folks have the same level of gullibility as the ones who forward that email to 10 friends so that Mr. Gates will donate the money for little Timmy's operation. Fine, like you never sold your Rascal scooter to pay for the transfer fee on secret Nigerian government funds!

Look all I'm saying is- let's cut a deal. If you make it and I don't, can I have any beer, kerosene, firearms, porn, beans, asbestos lined undergarments, beer, shamwows, porn, Biz Markie cds, beer and porn that you leave behind? If I make it and you don't, can you drop by and feed my dogs? You can even have my copy of 2Pacalypse Now...


Diane said...

Sure, Jesus didn't know the date for Judgment Day, but with some rudimentary math skills and a pencil and paper, some jackass in a trailer park figured it out for us.

I'm pretty sure I want to be with the group left behind. Though having read The Road, I'm hiding canned goods tonight.

Little U said...

tomorrow we separate,
the GOOD ONES, from the***
BAD ONES?!!!!?*&^% (: P)--o=8
( )*( )
when the great skelly in the sky,
shuts it down!!!^!? 8=0---(*)(*)

Internet War Hero Derrick said...

Putting up a post making fun of a crazy old wingnut from a long dead message board is moral equivalent of flying a plane into the World Trade Center! You should be ashamed!

PokerFiend said...

i survived the apocalypse (AGAIN) and i haven't even got a lousy t-shirt. screw it!

Rikishi said...

So... was it wrong of me to call up the Family Radio folks at 12:01am on Sunday and say "Would you like to know what the three I's stand for?"

Bain said...

Even the Gridiron Apocalypse left more people behind than this one did.

But enough of this painfully annoying courtesy of staying on topic. There is Hamm's in Spain. You don't believe me (claro, I wouldn't respect you if you did), but there's cans in just about every corner store between the Fanta and the YooHoo. My partner Esteban Crápula-Guapo and I plan to partake.

My word is "Bacyst," which is Vasco for "I won't fuck ya when I'm workin'."

The Hatriot said...

That must be the part of Spain where generation after generation of artisans has handed down the tradition of crafting Corinthian leather into genuine cock-belts!

Gambling Rob said...

lol@ the Hatriot (thumbs up for your nickname, by the way)

Bain said...

I knew it was bad news for this place when the Macho Man went unmourned. But when Memorial Day came and went without an account of acts of frottage being committed on some hapless old vet, well...

I'm reminded of the first time my parents let me go to a genuine rock concert, Bachman Turner Overdrive, except Randy Bachman didn't show up. Apparently he'd quit a few nights before. I sat there in the balcony squinting at the stage, wondering why there was only one big fat guy down there when BTO was supposed to have two big fat guys. Then they didn't play an encore, so that was another puzzler, but on the way out I heard some cool, older kids saying the band was breaking up, so that explained it all. I didn't like BTO much at all, though, so I didn't care--they were too fat and hairy and Canadian for me. I only went so I could tell people at school the next week that, yeah man, I go to rock concerts, man.

Anyway, it's not Memorial Day here in Spain, so I didn't feel anyone up. And I certainly wouldn't have felt up Randy Bachman, though I'm guessing he's got some tits on him.