Thursday, January 06, 2011

The Weak Ender: Wild Card preview

Hey dummy! What kind of world do we live in where Jaime Pressly cannot find a ride home after she's had a couple of belts?

I weep for America.

And I weep for America is the Eagles and Steelers make it to the Super Bowl. Not because it would not be an awesome game. But do we really want to give those on Mt. Pious the chance to picket the big game.

But what a glorious day it would be for people who make picket signs. Let’s look at this week’s matchups.

Saints at Seahawks: Nobody wants the Seahawks to be in the playoffs, so what better reason to root for Pete Carroll’s squad here? And what’s great, all of those experts who pan Pete’s tenure with the Patriots must now recognize that Carroll returned to the NFL and led his team a divisional crown and the playoffs in the first round.

And yeah, you can point out that the Seahawks were 7-9, and that they might have backed into the playoffs. But stuff happens. I mean, nobody brings up the fact that Gomer’s lone Super Bowl came against Rex Grossman. They just say Gomer, Super Bowl champion. So Pete, congratulations on winning the NFC West.

Even then, there is no way they win here. Pick: Saints

Jets at Colts: Funny, everybody wants to revamp the playoff format because the Seahawks are playing host to the Saints. Nobody cares that the Jets have to travel to Indianapolis despite having a better record than the Colts. Further, nobody cares that Eli Messiah is going to be the head referee today. Or at least he will be on camera enough to fulfill the NFL’s long-standing rule that America must be subjected to the Giants as much as possible.

Hey look, there’s Michael Strahan on a Subway commercial. And Dr. Pepper. And the Good Times Reunion Show.

Anyway, here is what to look for in this game.

Jets RB LaDainian Tomlinson riding an exercise bike. People on voted Tomlinson as the running back to make the biggest difference this weekend. They know this is the playoffs right? Although, LT did a great job in helping the Jets win the playoffs last year.

Jets QB Mark Sanchez will make plays that will kill the Jets.

Gomer has his “all-good mode” game, meaning his lights up the Jets. Then we get a week of handies, hearing about how awesome Gomer is. How you can never bet against No. 18 in the playoffs. Blah, blah, blah. At least the team will have to go to Pittsburgh the following week, so we can just see how good he is.

So Gomer gets his one win, once again going over Rex Ryan. Pick: Colts

Ravens at Chiefs: Thankfully they buried this game in the bosom of the 10 a.m. slot for us viewers out here on the West Coast. We can go out, enjoy a nice breakfast and return in time to watch one of those horrible 13-10 games that is not even really that close.

The Chiefs mailed in their Week 17 game, and the impending departure of offensive coordinator Charlie Weis only adds to the drama. The Chiefs are destined to fail.

Or are they? This seems like one of those games where a team is completely written off and everybody is expecting the Ravens to give the Patriots at a good battle in the AFC Divisional Playoffs. But people seem to forget that the Ravens offense sucks.

Like really bad. Wasn’t this supposed to be the year that Joe Flacco finally put it all together? The team finally gave him a receiver to throw to, Anquan Boldin, and what happened? Flacco would make a fine U.S. Marshall because he’s done a great job of making Boldin invisible this season. Flacco has found a way to make him disappear in front of 70,000 spectators each week. This guy is a genius.

And seriously, shouldn't NFL quarterbacks be more handsome?

Call this nothing more than a hunch, but the Chiefs win.

Packers at Eagles: America’s most charming NFL franchise going against one of the most revered quarterbacks in the NFL. Although, when Tucker Carlson starts calling you out, you are on the road to recovery, Michael Vick.

And did you see that recent apology on FOX News? Sean Hannity seemed like the sane one as Tucker was babbling nonsense. What a blow to the people who are still up-in-arms over Vick. Carlson is not the guy they want in the foxhole with him.

But here is the thing about the Packers. This is a team that I liked to win it all. Until everybody decided that they liked them to win it all. Or at least win the NFC championship. When the whole world backs a play like the Packers, that sends out a red light.

The screaming red light that – for most of us – would have flashed when one of our childhood buddies suggested that we should not only stage dog fights, but we should fund other dog fights in other states. Unfortunately, not everybody has that filter.

Still, and I hate to do it, but it’s tough to go against the Packers here. There is a nagging feeling that I am going to be sitting there, on my 10th Harp’s Lager on Sunday night saying, “You see, I knew I should not have picked the Packers.”

But I just don’t like Andy Reid in the playoffs. Not that Mike McCarthy is good at game-management. But he’s Vince Lombardi compared to the baffling decisions that Reid makes.

Begrudgingly, the pick is the Packers. And I will say this. A win, and they are going to the Super Bowl. Aaron Rodgers needs to get over that hump, and once he does, he will be unstoppable. Because the Packers defense is really that good. And Kurt Warner proved two years ago that you don’t need to run to get to the Super Bowl.

And finally …

How soon do you believe it is going to be before TMZ releases tapes of Bengals WR Chad Ochocinco – fueled on Red Bull/cranberry – leaving a profanity-laced tirade on Marvin Lewis that would make Charlie Sheen, Alec Baldwin and Mel Gibson chagrined?

Ochocinco certainly can’t get over the fact that coach Lewis threw called him mopey and “threw him under the bus,” telling Sporting News Radio that he is not sure if he could play for Marvin Lewis and the Bengals next year (via Sports Radio Interviews).

“I have nothing to say about that. I’m not the owner of the team. My hands are out of that situation. The only thing I can remember, as of right now, about Coach Lewis, is Coach Lewis throwing me under the bus. When it was time to play the Chargers, knowing that I was hurt. That’s the only thing I can remember at this point.

“I don’t know. Honestly, I don’t know. To say some of the things that have been said in the past, for some reason, when I was especially down. When you look for support, it’s always got to come from the one higher up. For the one higher up to say the things he said, it really hurt. I don’t see myself really feeling [that].”

Well, good news for you, Chad, nobody wants you back. Turns out those diva receivers aren’t exactly in high demand right now. The Bengals are doing well with Jordan Shipley and Jerome Simpson. I’m not sure if you saw that game you are referring to, but QB Carson Palmer had the game of his life and he looked much better than he had in years.

And what are you complaining about anyway? The Bengals have treated you right. Hopefully Ochocinco goes to the Colts next year, and Gomer can treat 85 the same way he treats WR Austin Collie.


DAWUSS said...

I'd rather send Chad Johnson to St. Louis. He'd obviously have to adopt a new moniker there.

Jack Youngblood said...

He's not getting my number, that is for sure.

Bain said...

Dog fighting is heinous, but if Vick had shot canines from a helicopter, Bowtie Boy would want to hand him the nuclear trigger.

Raven will beat KC.

The Hatriot said...

Shouldn't he change his name to Chad Quatro-y-doce after this year? OT, my wife asks me why, with all the amazing coach sound bytes there are out there, the Coors Light ads aren't funnier. I had to explain to her that those folks know their market. If they made those ads even a little clever, and I'm not talking algonqiun round table I'm talking current SNL skit, their target audience would get mad because the couldn't understand joke. Then they'd get in their F150 with the tattered "Don't Tread On Me" flag flapping in the bed, drive to the Piggly Wiggly and get a twelver of Keystone Light instead.

Bain said...

@Hatriot, as a former associate in the marketing wing of a certain Colorado beer company, I can neither deny nor confirm that you have hit the nail on the head. I would just add one other point: brand loyalty starts young.

My word is "glipeo," Maoke Trubesman's beloved puppet sidekick.

THN said...

I think I like Keystone better, in general.

DAWUSS said...

Those Coors Light ads got old in 2009.

Also, everyone knows the best beer comes from Bayern.

The Hatriot said...

@Bain: As a man of letters, I'm sure you've heard about the editing of Mark Twain's masterpiece that some misguided, if well intentioned folks, are performing. My question is this- from which document will the N-word be redacted more times: Huckleberry Finn or the 2012 GOP Platform? Since it only appears 200 something times in Huck Finn, my money's on the tea-baggers...

Bain said...

Hatriot, from what I've heard the GOP has already begun rehearsing for their convention in a remote location and plans to "redact" any slip-ups by use of a bell.

The Hatriot said...

Palin/Bachman '12: "Can't you see that man is a ni?"

BTW, who knew our host was a Star Trek geek? How else do you explain the hot Romulan babe at the top of the post?

My verification word is "cooddu" which is Klingon for "wrap her head in the cloaking device."

WCT said...

as Lombardi once said: "What the hell is going on around here??"

what is this, 3 posts this week? Who lit a fire under NFL Adam?

Diane said...

Didn't Pressly used to live in Huntington Harbor? Was she driving home from Turc's?

I'm hoping its Packers/Patriots in the Super Bowl. Mainly because of my unseemly Cougar crushes on Clay Matthews and Julian Edelman.

Just thought I'd let THN know for when it's time to throw me a bone on TWE gal postings.

p.s. My birthday is April 28.

Pay per head bookmaking said...

It calls America and the unfortunate Jaime should be aware that she lives in that kind of country.