Friday, January 21, 2011

The Weak Ender: Bears and Packers not forgotten here

How is Jessica Biel being a Packers fan not bigger news? Anybody? Oh well. I will say that I am tired of the Steelers vs. Jets getting all of the love this week. So you know what. I am just going to skip that game and give you a scientific breakdown of the Packers vs. Bears.

And know my readers, this is the game they care about the most.

The Bears and Packers have the most longest, and perhaps the most storied rivalry in the NFL. The two teams have played 181 times in the past, and will be fighting it out for a chance to play for the NFL's ultimate honor for the first time since 1941.

The teams not only shared a long lineage together, they both also won Super Bowls with Jim McMahon. (Though the Punky QB was merely a backup for Brett Favre in Super Bowl XXXI.)

With all do respect to the Steelers and Jets, you have to believe that this is the game that America is looking forward to on Sunday. Which begs the question -- who do you got?

Let's break this down -- as previously stated -- scientifically.

Tough guy linebacker

The Bears' Dick Butkus and Packers' Ray Nitschke personified the word linebacker. Butkus had eight Pro Bowl appearances, Ntschke was a member of those famed Packers teams that won five NFL titles and the first two Super Bowls. This one is too close to call, so we will settle this by acting career. Butkus play a strict yet fair principal Hang Time, but Nitschke was in the original The Longest Yard.
Advantage: Nitschke because I think he broke his (expletive) neck. (Packers 1-0)

Famous adaptations

Any man over the age of 40 fondly recalls James Caan's performance as terminally-ill Bears RB Brian Piccolo in Brian's Song. Not to mention, a young future Lando Calrissian (Billy Dee Williams) as Gale Sayers. And while I am sure that Tom Brady loved the performance of Lombardi on Broadway, I'm sure he didn't cry at the end.
Advantage: Brian’s Song (Tied 1-1)


The Packers have the famed frozen Tundra of Lambeau Field. The stadium could be considered football Mecca, and is likely on many football "bucket lists." The Bears have a dirt field painted green, and any charm of the original Soldier Field as been stripped because of the renovation. In fact, it looks like one of those alien space ships from Independence Day landed on the old Soldier Field. Poor show, Bears.
Advantage: Lambeau Field (Packers 2-1)


The Steelers have won the most Super Bowl titles, but did you know the Packers have more NFL championships? Yes, much to Dave Dameshek's chagrin, the NFL did exist prior to the Super Bowl era. So it's fitting that Green Bay is known as Title Town. The Bears are known as the Monsters of the Midway. A nicknamed lifted from the University of Chicago, the same way Vanilla Ice lifted the beat of Queen's Under Pressure for Ice, Ice Baby. Poor form, Bears.
Advantage: Title Town (Packers 3-1)


The Packers have had Curly Lambeau and Vince Lombardi. The Bears had Papa Bear George Halas and Iron Mike Ditka. Tough call, but while both teams are playing for the Halas Trophy on Sunday, the Lombardi Trophy is the ultimate goal.
Advantage: Packers (Packers 4-1)

Greatest player

Bears RB Walter Payton retired with the NFL rushing record. Packers WR Don Hutson retired with every conceivable receiving record. Payton, though, is still in the conversation for the greatest running back ever. Most people have seemingly have forgotten that Hutson even played and ignorantly proclaim Jerry Rice as the greatest receiver of all-time. Still, it is hard to go against Sweetness here.
Advantage: Bears (Packers 4-2)


Miller vs. Old Style. Miller trots out different styles of its product (MGD, Miller High Life, Crystal Miller Lite) like the University of Oregon does uniforms. Meanwhile, Old Style just continues to stick with the original.You have to respect that.
Advantage: Bears (Packers 4-3)

Embarrassing celebrity fan

Which career of a second fiddle inexplicably lasted the longest – former Bears backup QB Vince Evans (who might still be playing) or Jim Belushi? That’s a tough one. But how did Larry the Cable guy become known as a rabid Packers fan? Is that enough to git-r-done? Nah.
Advantage: Bears because Vince Vaughn just won’t seem to go away, either. (Tied, 4-4)

What’s in the bun?

Bratwurst or a Polish sausage? As a fat man, that is akin to choosing between your two children, though both are known to give heart attacks. There is really nothing to distinguish the two, so this one will again be settled by Hollywood. And Abe Froman, the sausage King of Chicago might be one of the greatest alias of all time.
Advantage: Bears (Bears 5-4)


Two classic styles here. The Packers, quite simply, have a top three uniform in the NFL. The Bears would be there if they wore their throwbacks from earlier this season.
Advantage: Packers (tied 5-5)

Hmm, well that got us nowhere. Alright, enough with this, here is my Super Bowl pick:

The Bears vs. Jets.

WANT TO see more of Ricky Gervais? Well, you are in luck. You can check out all of his Golden Globes jokes right here.


Al Davis was reportedly upset that former coach Tom Cable used to bring girls with him on the road. The Raiders managing general partner said that it was unbecoming of a Raiders coach to carouse, saying that wasn't the Raiders way.

I sure hope he never read Ken Stabler's autobiography, if that is the case.


DAWUSS said...

I got Bears-Steelers as my Super Bowl matchup.

Although, would that mean America would then be subject to "Bear Down Chicago Bears" and the "Pittsburgh Steelers Polka" for a 2 week period?

Robbie said...

I hope it's Bears - Jets. I hate the Steelers.

Bain said...

Uh, Old Style beer was introduced by the original Heileman's Brewing in La Crosse, WI, home of the legendary World's Biggest Six Pack. Old Style is no more a product of Hellinois than Huber, Point, or the late, beloved Special Export.

Your score is flawed!

Bain said...

Oops, forgot the other game.

Jets @ Steelers--These teams are pretty evenly matched on offense, with solid offensive lines to protect their rapists. But the name of this game is football, and outside of the staff at Fox News, nobody knows his way around a stinky size 12 like Rex Ryan. Unfortunately, the next foot is going up Rex's butt. Steelers.

Diane said...


I've never been so relieved to see a TWE Girl, and not have to gaze any longer on the Portrait of Dorian Gray, Raiders-style.

THN said...

Old Style, while a member of the Pabts Brewing Company, is brewed in Illinois. So I had to give them the lean there.

Bain said...

Excellent article at Deadspin--yes, I just typed that--examining Sanchez' and Roethlisberger's past rape allegations and media hypocrisy.

The French Army circa 1939 said...

Dear Jay Cutler,
Butch up a little bit, non?

Rosie said...

This one's for you, Bears lovers.

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Polly said...

Very effective material, thanks so much for this post.

Pay per head bookmaking said...

Wow, It is a lot of story behind those two team. I didn't know that they have been having this rivalry since WWII