Thursday, September 30, 2010

The Weak Ender: A special request

Yeah, I am not even going to pretend there is a relevant reason for posting this photo today. Other than long time reader -- and friend -- Dr. Doug just had a baby boy and he is a huge fan of Alyssa. So is his twin brother who just became an uncle.

So brothers, enjoy your photo. And let's get to some football.

Can the 49ers offense thrive under new offensive coordinator Michael Johnson? The offense has no choice but to get better.

One of the reasons many feel that the 49ers could improve is that there will be an infusion of the spread offense. Johnson spent 2008 studying the spread offense. (And I need to ask, is this some kind of fellowship that anybody could sign up for, because it sounds fun.) QB Alex Smith thrived in the spread offense. WR Michael Crabtree thrived in the spread offense. Hey, this might be crazy enough to work, right?

Totally, because gimmicky offenses always work so well in the NFL.

We all remember how well Steve Spurrier‘s ‘Fun and Gun’ offense fared. Awesome for a week. And then defensive coordinators caught up to the offense the following week and the fun was over.

This situation in San Francisco should have a familiar ending. Johnson’s play-calling experience is an issue. And really, how much can be changed during the middle of the season? The 49ers coaches, led by Mike Singletary, seem to be in over their heads.

Hopefully the Falcons end the 49ers season on Sunday.

ONE NOTE, when talking about the 49ers you should realize that if our two Bay Area teams were Axis powers, the Raiders would be Germany, which everybody loves to hate. And the 49ers would be Japan, where it physically attacked our country, yet is less hated than our other rivals.

Which leads me to another question. Could anybody make a movie like Inglorious Basterds, but have our protagonists butchering Japanese soldiers during World War II? Japan bombed our country. The atrocities committed not only to our soldiers, but the Chinese were just as severe.

Yet, you can make a move like IG -- which I loved -- of German soldier butchering heroes, but would probably get run out of town for making a similar movie about the Japanese.

Just saying.

ENJOY VIKINGS RB Adrian Peterson while you can. This is probably his final year of relevance.

Yep, you read that right.

Let’s look at what we know about the Vikings right now. Peterson is good. Brett Favre is not. The Vikings see this and have decided to give the ball to Peterson seemingly on every play. And really, I almost expect the Vikings to spend their bye week thinking of Wildcat-type plays for Peterson to run. Maybe find the guy who is teaching Tim Tebow to throw and have him work with Peterson on his throwing motion.

Do you think he would throw more interceptions than Favre? Seriously, you would almost think that Lem Barney and Nightrain Lane were suited up for the Lions, who are the real-world equivalent of playing Madden on rookie level. Favre could only post modest numbers against the Lions, which likely means a heavy dose of Peterson going forward.

What does this have to do with Peterson next season? He’s on pace to surpass 370 attempts — the dreaded number that spells doom for running backs the following season. Peterson is only slightly above the pace (373 attempts, actually), so there is a chance that coach Brad Childress could see the light.

That does not seem likely, though.

Childress sees Favre every day. We only have to endure him on Sundays. The Vikings decided to play for this season when they brought back Favre, so figure it to be Peterson or broke going forward.


Is the baseball season still rolling on?

Monday, September 27, 2010

The Post Mortem: Raiders Lead the Way

What are some of the most delightful storylines heading after just three weeks of the season.

GIANTS QB Eli Messiah is still brutal. Honestly, he will be viewed as the Trent Dilfer of the 2004 NFL Draft. That left-handed interception was one of the most brutal attempts at a play in quite some time. But nobody is willing to rip him because everybody loves his brother and treats his family as some sort of royalty.

Honestly, if Steve DeBerg had a couple of a-hole kids, would we think they were so great? And why was America’s Soccer Mom considered some great quarterback? Maybe it was the quarterback who was holding back the team.

THE 49ERS are annually the team that NFL pundits fall in love with. Oh, this is going to be the year that the 49ers reach the top. Well, they have been saying that since Mike Nolan’s second year with the team. But each season has been a disappointment. And do you think the Mike Singletary era is going to be any different?

Singletary went from a fire-and-brimstone coach that people loved, to a dude who is just plain crazy. Street rat crazy, if you will. This team has no chance.

But can somebody ask … how many offensive coordinators and coaches is Alex Smith going to be allowed to kill before somebody pulls the plug on him?

SPEAKING OF pulling the plug, underachieving again this season, Norv Turner? And yes, here we have an upstart team in the AFC West racing out to an undefeated mark. Where have we seen this before? Somehow the Chargers will find a way to win this division again. But destined for another playoff disappointment.

No, the truly greatest development is the Oakland Raiders continuing to blow. Seabass missing a chip-shot field goal was one of the least surprising, yet most rewarding plays of the first three weeks of the season. The Raiders finally did the right thing by going with Bruce Gradkowski, and this is how the organization is rewarded.

You have to love it.

BTW, one day after Seabass blows a crucial kick, George Blanda dies. Ironic?


Too bad for the Pac-10 haters, now that UCLA went to Austin and destroyed Texas. Wow, that was a beating. The Pac-10 is back, my friends.

Oh, and now we have a race to see who will line up against Boise State in the BCS title game. The Broncos are going to run the table – unless Nevada can rise up. And if that does not happen, Boise State deserves to be in the BCS title game. Nobody outside of Florida State and San Jose State plays as tough a schedule as Boise State.

The mistake the maroons make is that they look at what teams were ranked at the end of the season. But hey, Boise State cannot be faulted that Virginia Tech quit after it lost at home to Boise State. (Yeah, that was a road game for Virginia Tech.)

So to all of the Buckeyes fans, you have to admit that you have had too many chances and now it’s time to step aside. Kind of like the way the Angels are letting the Rangers take a crack at it this year.

Friday, September 24, 2010

The Weak Ender: Do Better Eliza

So Rick Fox is with Eliza Dushku? You know, she is still pretty hot. I believe she could totally hook up with somebody who is still playing for the Lakers, instead of embarrassing herself watching her washed up boyfriend on Dancing With the Stars.

THERE IS a classic scene in Pulp Fiction when Marsellus Wallace (Ving Rhames) tells Butch (Bruce Willis) that he “may feel a slight sting. That’s pride (expletive) with you. (Expletive) pride. Pride only hurts. It never helps.”

Somebody should tell Chargers general manager A.J. Smith and enigmatic WR Vincent Jackson.

A 1 p.m. deadline passed Wednesday, meaning that Jackson likely will not be traded this season, and there is speculation that Jackson will not play at all this year. And that is a bummer to some Chargers fans, who hopped that the Chargers were going to play their best players.

Smith certainly is stubborn, meaning it would be a great surprise if Jackson ever plays for the Chargers again. Malcom Floyd and Legedu Naanee looked like they could pick up the pieces well enough. Jackson could be dealt by the Oct. 19 deadline, but he would have to sit out three games, and even then, what kind of impact would he have?

Part of me kind of laughs at a player being hung out to dry like this. Yeah, it's not right, but it is kind of funny.

Jackson could have easily signed his tender, played and become a free-agent last season. But even Jackson realizes that he is a big dope, a DUI waiting to happen. So why sign a tender?

I really want to see what happens to Jackson after spending a year away from football. I kind of hope that the new collective bargaining agreement puts Jackson in the same position next year, forcing him to play for the league minimum or sit out a second year.

The players always say this is a business. But some guys just are not smart about it.

BOISE ST. is playing its last important game before the BCS championship game. Though, it would not be wise to sleep on Nevada. There was an interesting note in the Los Angeles Times on Thursday explaining that Boise State tries to get teams to do home-and-homes at Boise, but no teams outside of the Pac-10 are willing to do it.

So you will only have yourselves to blame when Boise reaches the BCS title game.

But where I am unclear, Boise State and TCU both can make the title game, right? Because if TCU is the only other undefeated team other than Boise St., then it certainly deserves that right.

HAS ANYBODY else noticed that USC keeps tumbling in the polls despite winning? Nice coaching hire. Looks like he is rubbing everybody the wrong way. Although if USC goes undefeated, it deserves to be in a bowl.

Oh wait, no it doesn't.


When does Carl Crawford get to Anaheim?

Monday, September 20, 2010

Bush Hit With More Sanctions

The NCAA is also apparently taking back Reggie Bush's knee, too.

Cardinals WR Larry Fitzgerald was on Twitter asking for prayers for Reggie. Yeah, I am sure that a lot of people are hitting their knees hoping that this guy pulls through. And by a lot of people, I would imagine that is limited to Saints fans and fantasy football enthusiasts.

Although Pierre Thomas showed he could catch the ball, too.


While it is seemingly possible for an 0-2 team to make the playoffs, one thing that can be said is that it will be pretty difficult for two 0-2 teams to make the playoffs. Meaning of the Vikings and Cowboys, only one of them has a realistic chance of making the playoffs.

The Cowboys look pretty terrible. Wade Phillips is a dummy. Jason Garrett was the golden boy, but not the red-headed stepchild of offensive coordinators across the league. Remember that he was almost hired as the head coach, before going with Phillips.

And the Vikings could not be playing worse. Brett Favre looks like he is already retired. Why did he even get involved? There was no way that he was going to duplicate last year's success. Even if the team gets Vincent Jackson, there is no way this team comes together. None.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Question of the Day

If you could choose your own 'Black Sunday' scenario for one of the games this week, would you pick St. Louis FC at Raiders or the Manning Bowl in Indianapolis.

Wow, this is certainly a noodle scratcher.

Friday, September 17, 2010

In Other News Water Is Wet

I've always believed that if you lift up a Yankees cap, you'll find an asshole underneath. Well, I was wrong and I want to apologize to anyone I've offended in the past. It turns out you'll find a criminal. Take it away New York Times:
A curious phenomenon has emerged at the intersection of fashion, sports and crime: dozens of men and women who have robbed, beaten, stabbed and shot at their fellow New Yorkers have done so while wearing Yankees caps or clothing...
But Yankees caps and clothing have dominated the crime blotter for so long, in so many parts of the city and in so many types of offenses, that it defies an easy explanation.
So there you have it. Remember this the next time you're out at the yard or having one at a sports bar. If you see a dork in a Yankees cap, go ahead and beat him like a pinata in juvi hall on Christmas morning. You might just stop a crime!

The Weak Ender: Reggie Loses Another Trophy

Saints RB Reggie Bush lost his trophy this week. The good news is Cowboys WR Austin Miles came forward to claim this trophy of his, too.

And don't worry, there is more coming. But if I don't have a picture of a hot chick up by 8 a.m., then Mark D. Esquire will jinx my fantasy football team again. So see you in a little bit.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Sports Book Hustle: Soldiering On

The views and opinions expressed in this column represent the views of Kid Vegas and not necessarily the views of the other contributors of the blog. Probably none of them. Kid Vegas' advice is for entertainment purposes only.

All right all welcome back for week 2 of the season, a pedestrian 3-2 posted by me last week, and once again my dreams of a perfect season were dashed. Nevertheless I soldier on, week 1 taught us some things, but there is still a lot to learn, let’s remember it wasn’t until October and Week 4 last year that I really caught fire and went 18-1-1 for the month, a respectable September would give me a nice running start at besting last year’s historic season though. All right here are some musings from the action thusfar…

-What is the deal with this reporter crying about some Jets players catcalling her in their locker room. I’ve seen some desperate attempts to try to become famous, but his is pretty pathetic, even Kim Kardashian is embarrassed for her. When I saw a headline regarding a scandal and some Spanish sports reporter there to interview Mark Sanchez, I just assumed Dirty Sanchez was up to his old college raping antics and had dragged her into the shower and torn off her clothes or something, but nope just a couple of naked players had talked to her after she walked into the lockerroom while they were changing. Thank god she found the courage to go on a press tour and tell everyone that would listen about her harrowing tale. This would be like me going to a gay club to interview Elton John, deciding to wear assless leather chaps and a Tom Brady jersey, and then throwing a giant fit after some gay guys hit on me.

-Speaking of Tom Brady, congrats to him on coming out of the closet, that hair is ridiculous, even Perez Hilton thinks he needs to dial it down a bit, now if we could just get him to admit he’s a terrible QB and the tuck rule was the worst call in the history of sports, my work here will be done…

-So I hear this Manning Bowl is something of a story, this is the 2nd one out of 4, and Peyton is already up 1-0 on my boy Eli, it’s a little overblown like my boy Eli was saying, football is too much of a team sport, and they aren’t even on the field at the same time, but still anytime two of the best teams in the sport face off, and their two captains, two of the best players in football, happen to be brothers, it will be a big story, plus it gives us all an excuse to cast the spotlight on American hero Archie Manning one more time. Frankly I think Peyton will pull this one out, the Colts are still a little better, though Bob Sanders being out evens the playing field quite a bit. It will probably not be a Manning bro that decides this one, but I’d be a little nervous if Eli was driving the field on the two minute drill for the win, that older brother psychology is tough to overcome, it isn’t easy to take down the family champ, just ask my three younger brothers who challenged me to a 3 on 1 drinking contest when we hung out over the summer… (needless to say, I still have the belt)

All right let’s get to the picks, historically Week 2 is my toughest week, so hopefully we can buck the trend:

5. Usc (-11.5) over MINNESOTA – I’m already on the USC bandwagon in hopes of them running the table and making the BCS look like the morons we all know they are, although it was nice work of them to strip Reggie Bush of his Heisman, wow, it’s like the 2005 season never happened!! Does anyone even care about these antics, the NCAA is just making itself look stupid with all these no athlete has ever gotten improper benefits theatrics, if they had just let it die after that one moronic Yahoo writer published his story no one would have even noticed. But if they’re going to keep doing these moronic, “oh the season never happened” antics, I’m almost tempted to file a class action suit on behalf of all the gamblers who lost on USC in that 3 year period. Now I wasn’t one of those gamblers, but I figure since none of his USC games happened, he didn’t get drafted at #2, and shouldn’t have been on the Saints, so I want my money back from when they lost to Philly in the Conference championships, I’m fine holding onto the scratch I won on the Saints earlier that year though. Stupid NCAA.

4. Over 36.5 in Tennessee – This is the old they want me to zig, so I’m zagging instead game, sure Pittsburgh couldn’t score in week 1, and their defense was looking Curtainy, but I think going down to Tennessee could throw a wrinkle in their plan, once they are behind by a TD or two having Dennis Dixon throw 1 yd screens and fall over just isn’t going to get the job done, and even the Raiders put up 13 on the Tenn defense. Also I’ve always kind of liked old VY, he looked good last week, and the Chris Johnson overhype should open up the defense a bit, I think some TDs should be scored here.

3. CAROLINA (-3.5) over Tampa Bay – This line seems a little low, I mean correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t Tampa Bay terrible, do they have one talented player on either side of the ball? And they’re on the road, I mean it looks like Vegas is not too confident in Carolina’s favorite son Matt Moore, granted he’s probably pretty terrible, but the guy had a QB rating in the neighborhood of 130 in his 5 meaningless games last year, including knocking out my Giants out of the playoffs, let’s just hope in a meaningless game against one of the worst teams in the league he can muster some of that old magic.

2. Under 37.5 in Oakland – Does St Louis or Oakland actually have a good defense? Probably not, but they also both have subpar offenses and shaky QBs, so let’s hope this one resorts to a good old fashioned punting contest. I mean I’m still a big Spags fan from his Giants defensive coaching days, but he’s made some suspect coaching decisions (letting Kyle Boller throw passes last year for one, the guy has a 2:1 INT:completion ratio for pete’s sake), so if he still reads my newsletter, I’d recommend easing Sam Bradford in nice and slow, their gameplan here should be a lot of runs, a few QB kneels, and maybe one or two screen passes. This game is going to be lost by whoever makes the first mistake, let’s just hope the coaches realize that, and play conservatively.

1. GREEN BAY (-11.5) over Buffalo – Buffalo looked terrible last week at home, Trent Edwards has a great case for worst QB in the league, and they’re going down to Green Bay, an alleged playoff contender. Meanwhile Aaron Rodgers, widely hailed as the biggest douchebag in the league has a chance to run up the score against an awful defense, you can’t tell me he isn’t going to be blatantly stat padding and gunning it deep every time. Probably in his mind scoring 5 TDs against one of the worst teams in the league in a meaningless September game will make people think he’s as good as Brett Favre, a 3-time MVP with a 20 year career who holds a ton of QB records and outplayed him twice last year in embarrassing fashion to remind Green Bay of what they’re missing. Anyway, obviously in an important game you’d prefer a good QB, but in a meaningless game with a big spread, you always bet on the douche.

-- Kid Vegas

Monday, September 13, 2010

The Post Mortem: Red Letter Day in Football

Who was the biggest winner on Sunday? The IT staff for the Greyhound Web site, since a Raiders' loss prevented all of their fans from overloading the site booking travel to Dallas for the Super Bowl.

Because right now, even the most ardent Raiders fan realizes that Jason Campbell is nothing more than a slimmed down version of JaMarcus Russell. Good luck with all of that.

But hey, at least Darren McFadden turned his annual one good game. Although it came in a losing effort. At least you got that one game out of him.

While we all rejoice in the Raiders' misery, let's not overlook their neighbors across the bay. Because every year, and I mean every year, the pundits are ready to hand the NFC West over to the San Francisco 49ers, yet they continue to disappoint. Every year.

And think about this when you look at the 49ers. The Raiders realized that Russell was a bust and they got rid of him. The Cardinals got rid of Matt Leinart. Yet, the 49ers continue to turn to Alex Smith year, after year.

Again, good luck with all of that suckers.

The 49ers rival only the Jets in undeserved hype every season. This has become rather disgusting. Enjoy your 6-10 season, Fricso.

What really made Sunday a special day was that St. Louis FC also lost. In front of maybe 20,000 fans in St. Louis. Seriously, if you cannot hold people in your stadium in a tight game with a rookie quarterback that was the top overall pick, then football is never going to work there.

The NFL should admit its mistake and have the team fold and restart the once proud Rams franchise in Los Angeles.


What a terrible officiating day in the NFL. Not what you want to see in Week 1. At least baseball has the no-replay to fall on when its umpires are terrible. What excuse does the NFL have?

Tim Hightower hit the ground and the ball popped out about six minutes later. Yet, somehow, this was ruled a fumble. And then -- because it was inside 2 minutes left in the game -- there was an automatic review of the play.

And despite the heavy visual evidence that the ground caused the fumble, the call was not overturned. Much to the dismay of broadcaster John Lynch, who obviously has not been jaded by the inability of NFL referees to see what ALL OF AMERICA can plainly see.

Then the referees decided the final play of the Cowboys vs. Redskins game. How about swallowing your whistle there and letting the players decide the game?

But the biggest grievance comes from that horrific call on Calvin Johnson's 25-yard touchdown reception that should have given the Lions at win at Chicago. The rule interpreted correctly, but the rule is absolutely stupid.

How long is a player required to hold on to the football? I think that a player should have to hold the ball for at least 24 hours before it can be ruled a touchdown. The player should have to go home and sleep with the ball. But if he drops it, no catch.

Way to go NFL. How you once again make a bad rule overshadow your game, it is amazing. Even PGA officials believe your rules are stupid.

Thursday, September 09, 2010

Super Bowl Buzz Kill: Racial Slurs

Anybody can pick winners. We at The Hater Nation like to predict the losers. And last year, who could match our accuracy? The Hater Nation went 31 for 32 in picking teams that would not win the Super Bowl. If you read through the lines, too, you would have saw that we were secretly picking the Saints to take the whole thing.

So here is the 2010 Super Bowl Buzz Kill. A feature so blah blah blah… butthurt about getting rip-off’d blah blah

You know I love this time of year. The family breaks out the Super Bowl Buzz Kill decorations. Later on we gather around the Super Bowl Buzz Kill tree and sing SBBK carols like “I Saw Three Ships (carrying Jerry Jones’s leftover facial skin)”. That evening we leave an empty chair at the table in case Hank Stram returns… Ah… Who the hell am I kidding?

This sucks. Writing the SBBK for the Racial Slurs is the equivalent of holding your dog so the vet can stick something up her ass. It’s like reviewing a Papa Roach cd. I swear I’m going to have to delete my browsing history so no one finds the Washington stuff. I’d be less embarrassed to have my wife walk in on me rubbing one out to a picture of Jane Skinner.

Here’s the thing: You’re probably not a Slurs fan. If you are, you are probably an overweight middle-aged white guy who really just likes the opportunity to dress up in women’s clothes eight times a year even if you have to mix in a plastic pig nose as your Katie Holmes. Furries think you people had messed up childhoods. In short, you’re not going to be of much help here, SlursFan, so let’s replace you with somebody who didn’t have an “awakening” when they stumbled upon their mom’s underwear drawer. Me, for instance:

Me: So, it seems to me the Plowboys, Eggles and Gints all have more questions than answers. With a QB who knows the opposition so well, isn’t Shanahan poised to make a run at the division?

T.H.: No. Unless by “make a run” you mean “win a couple of feel good games at home but still finish two and four against the division.” Beyond that, you’ve got the Colts, Packers, Vikings and Texans all coming to town. Oh look! We’re already at eight losses.

Me: OK. What do they need to do?

T.H.: Well, I’m tempted to point out that McNabb and Moss have a better chance of landing a Just For Men contract than winning a game that matters, but I think the O-line is the problem. With Grampy McPanicthrow lining up under center, the line won’t have time to play into shape. If he gets hurt, and he will, you get… what? Rex Grossman? Really?

Me: So they need help on the O-line. Where are the Slurs going to find a human shield for an aging, underachieving drama-queen?

T.H.: They could draft Trig Palin.

That about wraps it up, SlursFan. At least you still have the inevitable flame out, benching, suicide-by-twinkie-attempt, and eventual exile to Manitoba or Oakland of one Albert Haynesworth to look forward to. See you here next year, okay. Wear something pretty for me.

Monday, September 06, 2010

The Post Mortem: Simple Solution to BSU Problem

There is an easy way to fix the current Boise State problem -- well, if you think that it is a problem at all. But here is what you do.

If you are Florida, Alabama, Georgia, Ohio State, LSU, Texas, etc., pick up your phone, call Boise State coach Chris Petersen and tell him that you would love to come play at Boise State in the coming years.

Problem solved.

But if you are not willing to go play at Boise State, well then you can just go (expletive) yourself. You honestly have no ground to stand on. Enjoy that Louisiana Tech vs. Boise State game later in the season, as you wish that somebody will do you own dirty work.

If you want to take care of the problem, do it yourself.

And really, does anybody play a tougher non-conference schedule than Boise State? No. 24 Oregon State, at No. 6 Virginia Tech. Only Florida State plays a tougher schedule out of conference with BYU, Oklahoma and Florida. But when was the last time the Seminoles even mattered in college football? Florida State is back to taking body bag games.

But the BCS conferences powerhouses will get their chance to take on Boise State ... in the national championship game.

AND WHY must Boise State always find a flair for the dramatic? The Broncos looked like they were left for did, yet still managed to rally to win the game. Just amazing. Honestly, if you are not impressed with Boise State, do not bother watching college football anymore.

And I will say it, too, both team's uniforms grew on me as the night wore on.

FORMER CARDINALS QB Matt Leinart is going to Houston. Well, I guess that ends the Matt Schaub experiment. And is Big Ben worried that Dennis Dixon will end up keeping his job in Pittsburgh?


Inglourious Basterds was the first Tarentino movie I have really enjoyed for quite some time.

Thursday, September 02, 2010

The Weak Ender: Nice Try, Rachel Uchitel

Renowned Tiger Woods whore mistress Rachel Uchitel is trying to garner sympathy for being a home wrecker blaming 9/11 for putting her down the road to ruin (this is all coming out during her taping of Celebrity Rehab). But if that is the case, why did she fly a plane into Elin Nordegren's marriage?

Uchitel was so distraught by losing her finance in 9/11 that she had to hijack somebody else's marriage? Some how I am not following.

Now, this is not relieve Tiger of any of the blame, surely he deserves as much. But Rachel has no excuse for sleeping with another man's husband. Especially if she was one of 19 high-jackers, errr, home wreckers.

Because she is like the Mohammed Atta of mistresses.

Uchitel rolled up with a set of box cutters, highjacked Tiger's male member, and flew it into her twin lady parts. Blowing up Tiger's marriage.

Why should I feel sorry for her? She also helped ruin the marriage of that guy from Bones.

I have lost people in my life, but I never once thought, hey, I should go ruin somebody's marriage now. That is what awful people do. I just don't get it.

Although, if she really wants to break up a marriage, how about sleeping with Lane Kiffin? What an a-hole Kiffin is. Can you believe his halftime interview during the Hawaii game?

Normally I applaud coaches who speak their mind, but he was so dismissive of the Hawaii program. Hey Lane, the only reason -- and I mean the only reason -- you have the job you have now if because your dad is so awesome. Your dad pulled all of these strings to get you to your spot. And you want to look down your nose at another program?

That coaching staff with Monte Kiffin and the rest is way too good to let USC fail. So if Uchitel could bring her lady parts of death to the Kiffin household, that would be wonderful.

And then after she's done there, she could go down to Arizona and shack up with Matt Leinart. Not that Leinart needs any help with his unraveling career. But it would just be nice to see Leinart with a woman who is at least of age.

And bonus, too, Matt because Rachel is going through sober living, you will never be caught holding a beer bong for her. Because that would be pretty cool.

Speaking of terrorists, how come Al Queda has never got a suicide bomber to run through that Jersey Shore house? Listen, Al Queda will never win me over to its side, but I might pick up the Koran if it pulled that off. Just saying.

And Finally ...

College football should retire No. 42 in honor of Pat Tillman.

That was quite some transition, right?

But the NFL has pretty much distanced themselves from Tillman, so it would be nice for college football to take a stand and retire Tillman's number. I know if I was as college coach, I would take No. 42 out of circulation as a gesture towards Tillman and what I would hope that my young men would become.

Super Bowl Buzz Kill: Raven

Anybody can pick winners. We at The Hater Nation like to predict the losers. And last year, who could match our accuracy? The Hater Nation went 31 for 32 in picking teams that would not win the Super Bowl. If you read through the lines, too, you would have saw that we were secretly picking the Saints to take the whole thing.

So here is the 2010 Super Bowl Buzz Kill. A feature so awesome, those (expletives) at Deadspin have blatantly ripped it off. Turns out the schmucks at the Bleacher Report did, too. Always imitated, never duplicated.

Why your team won't win the Super Bowl: Raven

Stop me if you have heard this one before, Raven will not finally take off offensively now that they have (fill in the blank) at receiver. Yeah, been there, seen that.

Raven has really outdone itself this season. Raven is so desperate for help at receiver they picked up a guy who was suspended for a season because he killed somebody.

Although harboring known criminals has never really been a problem for Raven in the past.
Maybe that is the formula the team is looking for. Raven has not gone to the Super Bowl since the last time one of their players beat a murder rap. Why go against what works, right? In fact, why did Raven not think of this sooner? Maybe Rae Carruth could have worked out some sort of work release program.

Although, again, it is people who beat the rap. Carruth and Plaxico Burress would not have much use on this team. Ray Lewis would be too busy breaking their balls all day saying, “Dude, you went to jail for that? What the hell is wrong with you? I would have gotten away with it.”
So you do not want that kind of derisive force in the locker room.

Raven also added Anquan Boldin. One of the toughest guys in the NFL. The dude returned from a broken jaw. Without pain killers. The sad truth though, is that he just cannot stay healthy enough to be counted on. He makes Willis McGahee seem like an iron man.

Though it is fair to say that Raven will be much better on offense this year. Joe Flacco will build off his solid first two years to emerge as one of the best young quarterbacks. But as luck will have it, the defense will start sliding. This is one of those classic cases where if you could have paired this offense with those vintage Raven defenses, you certainly would have had something. Now, not so much.

Lewis is not the player he once was. Ed Reed is not the player he once was. And at some point, the loss of Rex Ryan is going to be felt here.

This is a bitter irony for Raven as the team shifts from defensive stalwart to offensive super power. I mean even their jail parolee is on offense now. Good team, but falls just short.

Wednesday, September 01, 2010

Super Bowl Buzz Kill: Denver Broncos

Anybody can pick winners. We at The Hater Nation like to predict the losers. And last year, who could match our accuracy? The Hater Nation went 31 for 32 in picking teams that would not win the Super Bowl. If you read through the lines, too, you would have saw that we were secretly picking the Saints to take the whole thing.

So here is the 2010 Super Bowl Buzz Kill. A feature so awesome, those (expletives) at Deadspin have blatantly ripped it off. Turns out the schmucks at the Bleacher Report did, too. Always imitated, never duplicated.

Why your team won't win the Super Bowl: Denver Broncos

by The Bain

One of my favorite movies of the past few years is Charlie Wilson's War, especially the parts when Tom Hanks and Phillip Seymour Hoffman get riffing on the bureaucratic Who's On First:

Hanks: What is U.S. strategy (in Afghanistan)?

Hoffman: Most strictly speaking, we don't have one. But we're working on it.

Hanks: Who's 'we'?

Hoffman: Me and three other guys.

Subtract three other guys and you have the Denver Broncos under Josh McDaniels.

This summer the Denver sports media (actually, the whole sports media) has been tying itself in knots trying to put a positive spin on McDaniels' blueprint for the Broncos. By all outward appearances, McDaniels' only gameplan is to get rid of every trace that Mike Shanahan ever existed. This is what Freud called an oedipal complex, and while I'm sure Shanahan has figured out he's the father in the equation, I wonder when Pat Bowlen will realize he's the mother.

One person aghast to be tangled in this cluster of big teeth and Canadians is Kyle Orton, whose facial expressions these days resemble those of a man who's just realized he's Kyle Orton. Imagine going to work every morning and being greeted by throngs of local kids in Tim Tebow jerseys. Can you blame Orton for looking like a guy who's just proudly come home with his first Levitra prescription to find his wife getting (courted) by Justin Bieber?

Some Denver sports clod speculated that Orton could carry the Broncos to a Super Bowl so long as the offensive line is tight, the running game is strong, and the defense keeps opposing offenses off the field.

The same could be said of Lady Gaga, Jerry Lewis, and my neighbor's spastic cat.

Asked to please be serious, Broncos supporters have pointed to Elvis Dumervil as proof that the Donks have a D. Unfortunately, the collective weight of index fingers tore the mighty linebacker's pec muscle, and by all reports Elvis has left the building.

Hey, put that down. Come on, now.

At least the defense still has Champ Bailey and Brian Dawkins, two of the most formidable backs in the NFL so long as their Rascal scooters are kept fully charged. Dawkins recently made headlines for rejecting the idea of an eighteen-game season... unless three of the games are cribbage, Yahtzee, and shuffleboard.

Oh, let's just cut the crap: this team's gonna blow, and hard. My fellow staffers here at THN speculate that the Donks will wind up as the worst team in the league; I'll play it safe and say they'll be the worst team in the AFC West, which, come to think of it, is saying the same thing. On the upside, fantasy dopes should gobble up Eddie Royal--he's going to catch ninety thousand passes this season, all of them for three yards--but that's it. It's fitting that the Bronco's most famous and beloved fan wore a barrel. As the old punchline goes, Wednesday is your day in the barrel, and for the next five months in Denver every day is Wednesday.

Of course, the Bronco beat writers know this and will probably admit as much when the WiFi goes down. Ask them in private why the Donks are a mess, and they'll answer, well... Wilson's War again:

"Because (McDaniels) is a tool. He's a cake-eater, he's a clown, he's a bad station chief, and I don't like to cast aspersions on a guy, but he's going to get us all killed."