Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Greatest Career Ever?

If I had a son, I would want him to grow up to be Jason Elam.


The long-time Broncos kicker retired today, after signing one of those one-day deals since he had a two-year stint with the Falcons. Elam referred to his career as an ‘awesome journey,’ but it might have been one of the greatest NFL careers in history.


Now, he might not have achieved the fame of say, Joe Montana, Tom Brady or Gomer. But Elam’s resume is second-to-none when it comes to NFL players.


First off, Elam is a kicker, he’s never been hit.


He went to the University of Hawaii.


Denver is not a bad place to live. Nor is Atlanta.


Elam married a Broncos cheerleader – after lobbying the owner to get rid of the rule against fraternization with the cheerleaders – who was a former Hawaiian Tropics model (not the one pictured, though).


He won two Super Bowl rings. (And remember, he never got hit.)


He can probably actually walk (again, never been hit), and likely is really, really good at golf.


Brady has a model wife, but he had to rehab his knee. Gomer is insanely ugly. And let’s not talk about Ben Roethlisberger’s life.


So yeah, give me Elam’s career. I would take it.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

The Post Mortem: Hot Tub Time Machine

There is a McDonald's commercial where this douche-nozzle walks around telling people, "Don't talk to me until I had my coffee." His roommate, people on the bus, a little dog ... don't talk to this guy until he's had his coffee.

I would like to follow this guy. Staying behind him, watching him be an a-hole to the entire world until he gets his coffee. And once he finally has his coffee, I would like to walk up behind him, tap him on the shoulder and say, oh yeah, your apartment is on fire. I didn't want to say anything to you until you had your coffee. Jerk.

But that's just me.

If you can think of a stronger punch line, leave it in the comments. You might get that joke told on stage. Only, I will not pay you. At least not until I had my coffee.

What a weekend. Although, here are some quick thoughts on the college basketball. ESPN's Sports Dork Bill Simpson ruined Omar Samhan. That was criminal. Ohio State showed the class everybody knew they did not have. And F me, Duke is in the Final Four.

And I am always curious why certain people hate Duke. My disliking for Duke is quite well known, seeing that I grew up a UNLV hoops fan. But to me, the bandwagon Duke hate makes about as much sense as Ricky Martin singing 'She Bangs.'

Because, really, how would he know?

HOW DO we not have a Facebook page asking CBS to use Gus Johnson to call the Final Four instead of Jim Nantz? Can somebody jump on that?

PROPS TO Steelers WR Santonio Holmes for trying to take the heat off Ben Roethlisberger by acting the fool in some nightclub. Wow, what happened to you Steelers? You used to be one of the best organizations in sports.

AND FINALLY ...

This normally never happens to me (it's not what you think), I finally saw a long-anticipated movie on opening day for what has to be the first time since Return of the Jedi. (Though, I might have done this with the Ocean's movies, too, but nobody was waiting to spoil those films.)

But I did get a chance to see Hot Tub Time Machine on the first day and it was incredible. The amazing thing is that the movie was made for people in my age group. Many of the jokes and a special cameo were targeted to those quickly approaching 40 faster than they would like.

Even then, the movie still captures the heart of younger audience members. In an effort not to spoil anything, I will say no more. But when asked for a comparison, I would say Hot Tub Time Machine dominates The Hangover.

Friday, March 26, 2010

The Weak Ender: Bush League

Bad Reggie. The famed Saints running back has reportedly broken up with Kim Kardashian, citing her hectic, celebrity-driven lifestyle as the reason why.

Boy is Reggie stupid.

This is exactly why you want to go out with a woman like this. Did Kim and her mother try to crash the NFL Network stage moments after the Saints won the Super Bowl? Sure. Is Reggie being investigated for sexual assault or having paternity suits pile up? Of course not.

This goes to what we were talking about last week, always go the celebrity route when looking for WAGs. Compare Reggie’s career with college teammate Matt Leinart.

Reggie appeared on a reality TV show, had a somewhat questionable photo shoot in GQ and won a Super Bowl. Leinart knocked up a USC hoops player, was photographed handing out beer bongs to under-aged chicks and watched as Kurt Warner nearly led his team to a Super Bowl title.

But unlike Kardashian, Leinart did get on the platform after his team won the NFC championship.

And remember this, Leinart was actually doing alright for himself when he was chasing gals such as Paris Hilton and Jessica Simpson's friend. He might have come across like a d-bag, but it was not until he started chasing jail bate and college-age chicks that he had incriminating photos and a baby out of wedlock. You would think that a guy who works out with Tom Brady -- another smart guy -- would know better.

Reggie had better have a ‘Plan B’ for what he is going to do now. He was insulated in this relationship, and it is just bad business. Hopefully we will not find him slumming through the bars on Bourbon Street.

SAINTS OWNER Tom Benson had some interesting words about former St. Louis FC owner, Georgia Frontandrearie. While Benson did not come right out and call her a murdering showgirl, he did label the whore as an absentee owner.

"St. Louis for a while there had absentee ownership and didn't (participate)," Benson said, referring to late owner Georgia Frontiere. "Years ago, they did participate pretty good."

And that was on the record. Ouch. And realize that the only reason she ‘participated’ in the 1990s was because of Warner. St. Louis FC was a Rodney Harrison-tackle away from never ever making a Super Bowl, let alone winning one.

EAGLES QB Donovan McNabb is quickly becoming the fat chick that nobody wants to take home from the bar. Just as soon as teams were rumored to be seeking McNabb, they quickly came out and rebuked their interest. The St. Louis FC and the Cardinals quickly denied that they were in the running for McNabb. Pretty quickly.

St. Louis FC has Carrie Prejean’s fiancĂ©e as its top quarterback at the moment (though it could easily take Sam Bradford with the No. 1 overall pick.)

The Cardinals have Leinart and Derek Anderson.

When you are being passed over for Leinart and Anderson, that should tell you something about your value in the NFL.

Apparently you can only lose so many NFC Championship Games before people – and teams evidentially – tired of your act. The only viable candidates for McNabb now appear to be the Bills and Raiders. Yes, the McNabb apologists have long said that McNabb wins without a talented offense around him. Let’s see how good he will be in NFL’s Siberia and Alcatraz.

Seriously, though. McNabb is just outside of being a Top 10 NFL quarterback, but surely somebody could use him. The Eagles should wait until training camp to see if somebody panics.

Personally, teams are probably scared off by that stupid dance that McNabb performed prior to the Eagles getting run out of the playoffs in Dallas.

And to be totally honest, we all want to see McNabb and Terrell Owens rejoined in Oakland, right?

ANOTHER CRAZY night of hoops. Syracuse, gone. Does anybody have a winnable bracket right now? Because Kentucky is going to get careless before the Final Four. They just have to, right? Xavier was looking strong. The only thing left to do is root against Dook.

And why does ESPN's Sport Dork Bill Simpson hate Dook? Because Dook seems like the kind of team that Simpson would root for. Think about it, Dook is white, with a sense of entitlement. But neither the Sports Dork nor Dook is as good as many would lead us to believe.

AND FINALLY ...

Former Cardinals kicker Bill Gramatica is a good sport, talking to the Arizona Republic about his ill-fated celebration in which he tore his ACL after making a kick. “My jump was excellent,” Gramatica said. “It was my landing I needed to work on. It was funny. It was part of my career. I talk about it all the time. You have to laugh about it.”

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

I Was Going to Get Drafted, But Then I Got High

Sports Illustrated is reporting that there is a marijuana epidemic in this years NFL rookie class.

To quote Bob Saget in Half Baked, "Marijuana is not a drug. I used to suck (expletive) for coke. Now that's an addiction. You ever suck some (expletive) for marijuana?

Let's dispense with the melodramatics about weed, this is not the 1900s. We don't have a huge alcohol lobby trying to push the evils of some plant. A plant that brings relief to thousands of people every day who are suffering from various aliments. And don't even dare claim that marijuana is a gateway drug -- that's alcohol.

And yet you can walk into the store, buy a handle of Southern Comfort, a pack a Camel no-filters and then ram your car into school bus, and nobody bats an eye. That makes sense.

And really, if this year's draft class is hooked on weed here is what I say ... good!

Ben Roethlisberger should smoke pot. Not that it would make him thiner, but maybe he would stop sexually assaulting college-aged chicks. (Anybody notice that the victim in the case is no longer cooperating with the police? Either Ben is paying her off -- highly likely -- or maybe the government is doing a favor for the Rooney family and strong-arming the young woman. Rooney is an ambassador to Ireland. Maybe this is like that Gene Hackman/Clint Eastwood movie where the thief witness the president killing a woman. But I digress.)

But if Ben had kicked back and smoked weed on his birthday, safely in his living room, he would be free and clear.

Leonard Little killed a woman because he was drunk. If he smoked weed, he would have been home eating wheat thins and playing Sega.

Think of all of the domestic disputes that NFL players have perpetrated over the years. Smoking weed could have solved all of them. People do not get into fights when they are high. They microwave burritos, watch Cannonball Run and chill the (expletive) out.

And good news for some of these super high NFL prospects, you are in luck if you get picked up by the Chargers, 49ers or Raiders (sort of). California is going to legalize marijuana use this fall. And with the way Obama is relaxing the federal laws on medical marijuana, it's only a matter of time before it's completely legal here.

In fact, I see a day where we elect Meg Whitman governor, she legalizes weed and California starts selling that (expletive) on eBay. California would be printing money if that ever happened. Remember that the next time you hear about teachers being laid off. Not enough policemen (who we wouldn't need if we legalized pot) or other civil services.

Personally, I don't smoke weed. But it seems ridiculous that marijuana is even illegal. Every time you hear about California being broke, gang bangers booby-trapping cars in Hemet, Calif., another journalist getting killed in Juarez Mexico or even the over crowding in our prisons, it could all evaporate like a puff of smoke if weed was made legal.

I don't want to get political here. But I cannot believe that in the year 20 (expletive) 10, somebody green-lit (no pun intended) an article about a marijuana epidemic. Sorry people, we have big-boy problems in the world. A college kid smoking weed is the least of my worries.

Monday, March 22, 2010

The Post Mortem: Hey Fun Boys, Get A Room

Title IX has too much influence on March Madness now. And no, this has nothing to do with President Obama filling out a woman’s bracket on ESPN. (And honestly, do any of you actually believe that he is following women’s basketball?)

Instead, there is just way too much crying during March Madness, with so-called elite athletes acting like, well, women. And this, I blame on Title IX.

Former Gonzaga guard Adam Morrison made this somewhat fashionable when he started crying on the court – while the game was still going on. That was terrible.

Kansas, however, might have taken it to new heights on Saturday. There was some kid – still in his warmup uniform – crying his eyes out watching his team lose. Leave that to Ashley Judd when Kentucky loses.

Kansas needs to butch up both on the floor, and off. Still, give Kansas a little credit for its emotions because it was the No. 1 overall seed. Watching a No. 10 seed act it really had a chance to win the national title is probably more egregious.

I forget who it is, but there was one No. 10 or No. 13 seed who acted like the Russians after they lost to the US in the 1980 Olympic hockey team. Really? What did you think you were going to do?

You want these guys to actually act like men, but that just does not seem like it will be the case.

AT WHAT point do you stop caring about your bracket and start pulling for the upset? Pretty easy to start rooting for, say St. Mary’s, if you did not have Villanova advancing to the Final Four. You start cheering for the Gaels at that point.

But what did you do about Kansas? Rooting against the Jayhawks would have been easy if you had Kansas in your Final Four, but not winning it all. Especially when you consider how many people picked Kansas.

With all of that said, I picked Kansas to win it all and I was still rooting against the Jayhawks. (Mainly because they were not going to cover.) There is something about watching an upset evolve that makes March Madness so great. And if your bracket eats it, so be it.

And really, when it comes to my bracket, what were the odds that I was going to win anyway?

SPEAKING OF Ashley Judd, what do you think about her coed get up? Should she still be dressing like a preteen at these college games? The Reverend does not think so, and I am inclined to agree. Only because I remember her wearing a wet blouse when her husband won the Indy 500 a few years back.

And that is a fashion that will never go out of style.

REMEMBER LAST year when St. Mary’s was screwed out of a tournament bid? The Gaels have made this tournament pretty interesting. Of course, St. Mary’s took it out of the selection committee’s hands this year by beating Gonzaga in the conference tournament.

But it stands to note that the mid-majors make the NCAA tournament compelling. Not that you don’t need to the big schools. Having St. Mary’s knock off Temple does not have the same ring to it. But the tournament had a great mix of mid-majors and monster conferences.

Maybe it was the Pac-10 being down this year, that allowed some extra teams to sneak in, but it was fun. Going to 96 teams would not be the answer. But I believe that we got a strong argument for limiting the number of teams from power conferences into these tournaments. Maybe a cap of 50 percent of your membership.

YOU HAD to figure, too, when the Florida vs. BYU game went into triple overtime for the first game of the day that the first two rounds were going to be pretty good. And no matter how many scoop shots he made, there was no way to ever root for Jimmer Fredette. The BYU cheerleaders on the other hand.

But speaking of Mormon cheerleaders, Utah State and their talented cheer squad was eliminated way too early.

DID YOU know that bags fly free on Southwest?

AND FINALLY ...

Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger is finally getting called into the principal's office as Mr. Goodell wants to see him. Uh, oh. Somebody is looking at a suspension. Remember what got Mike Vick in trouble. It was not the dog fighting exactly. No, Vick liked to Mr. Goodell, and that was frowned upon.

Big Ben should go in there, and admit to how many women he has raped and let him know that his lawyer is trying to -- pardon the pun -- get him off.

First Look: Let's Complain About Kansas

Sorry, a late-night power outage in HB killed the Post Mortem (for now). So instead, I invite you all to take this moment to either (female dog) about Kansas ruining your bracket, or gloat because you picked Kentucky or Syracuse.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

From the Archieves: Hey Dook!

The Hater Nation is proud to welcome back Pete Gillen to lead us in song once again at the start of March Madness.

Many of you may remember me, Pete Gillen, the former head coach, of the University of Virginia’s men’s basketball team. If not, you will recall, that I am a very emotional leader, and my New England voice sounds, just like, President John F. Kennedy, his brotha, and Mayor Quimby from, the television program, The Simpsons, combined.

With Mahch Madness set to begeen, I am here today, to tell you of the greatness, that is Dook Univahrsity, men’s basketball. It is hard not to know about Dook in Mahch. As I told, radio personality Jim Rome a few yeahs ago, Dook is Dook. They’re on TV more, than reruns of Leave it to Beavahhhhh… reruns.

Now, in an attempt to stay relevant, since the Beavah’s show hasn’t been in steady reruns for at least 20 years, I will bring to you an original song of mine, sung to the tune, of another current, popular number, Sir Paul McCartney’s, Hey Jude:

Hey Dook, don't feel so bad.
Take a bad bracket and make it bettah.
Remember to get off to a slow start,
Against a team that is the Play-In winnah.

Hey Dook, don't be afraid.
The brackets were made so you’d play no one bettah.
The minute you play a Top 25 team,
You’ll pray for Christian Laettnah.

And anytime you feel the pain, hey Dook, refrain
Don't blame your bad looks on Seth Currays’ mothah.
For well you know that you’re gonna loose yah cool
When you check out that Shelden’s even uglieah youngah brothah.

Hey Dook, don’t be ashamed
You get all the calls, but its for the bettah
But, despite of all of the help
You have no chance of beating the Tiguhs!

Hey Dook, don’t cut those nets down.
Try to survive in the tourney, like an 11th-seedah.
Remembah to let the refs and bracket committee into your heart,
As well as your coach, with a name with too many f-ing leddahs.

So find a ditch, and like Hurley, drive right on in
So they see that Singler ain’t no Laettnah.
And don't you know that it's just you, hey Dook, you'll do,
Youh on TV mohr than Leave it to Beavahhhhhh.

Hey Dook, don't feel bad.
At least Florida State didn’t make it, eithah.
Remember it’s not the color of your skin,
It’s hard to win without players like Battiah, Boozah and
Laettnah, Laettnah, Laettnah, Laettnah, Laettnah, oh!

Nah Nah Nah Na Na Na, Naaaa… Nah Nah, Nah, Naaaa, hey DOOK!

SING ALONG NAHW!

Na Na Na Naaaaah Na Na Naaaaaaah hey DOOK!!!

DOOK, DOOK, DA, DOOK, DOOK, DOOKIE DOOKIE!

Nah Nah Nah Na Na Na, Naaaa… Nah Nah, Nah, Naaaa, hey DOOK...

Nah Nah Nah Na Na Na, Naaaa… Nah Nah, Nah, Naaaa, hey DOOK...

Alirght, just the ACC fans now!

Nah Nah Nah Na Na Na, Naaaa… Nah Nah, Nah, Naaaa, hey DOOK...

Alright, just the Duke fans now!

Nah Nah Nah Na Na Na, Naaaa… Nah Nah, Nah, Naaaa, hey DOOK...

Everybody together!

Nah Nah Nah Na Na Na, Naaaa… Nah Nah, Nah, Naaaa, hey DOOK...

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

The Mid-Weak Ender: Enough with the Crying

And we are not talking about people complaining about their brackets this early, either.

Welcome to the Mid-Weak Ender, since productivity will end around, well, it is probably already ended because of St. Patrick's Day. This holiday prior to March Madness officially surpasses Thanksgiving week as the most worthless work week imaginable. Why you are even expected to be at work is a mystery.

Life is too short to be bogged down during times like these. Especially in this economy. We are in this depression because we are too constrained by day-to-day living. Get out and celebrate. If you think about how fleeting life is, do you really want to miss out on the good times. Be it spending time with your family, or with friends. Or drinking in a dimly lit bar, watching a bunch of college kids play a sport while drinking green beer.

Priorities people.

Hopefully you are all reading this hungover because you bailed at noon on Wednesday. So for you, I will STOP SHOUTING. If you are still at work, get the hell out of there. No reason to be there at all.

Now, one of the dear friends of The Hater Nation, WCT, lamented for years that Erin Andrews was never a Weak Ender Girl. And now he is probably sick of her being a WEG, and to be honest, I am too.

For somebody who wants her privacy and fears for her life, she certainly does a lot of television interviews. Even the cast of Jersey Shore feels that Andrews needs to chill the f out when it comes to television appearances.

Now, I will consider that Andrews was filmed unknowingly (but something does not add up). But we can all agree that she has certainly used this 'misfortune' to her own benefit. This verdict was nicely timed to coincide with her appearance for Dancing with the Stars.

When she was sitting there blubbering about, "Those pictures are still on the Internets, my life is never the same. Poor me. ... Oh, and be sure to vote for me on Dancing with the Stars," yeah, I was over it.

And a couple of things here. Can you still find her videos on the internets? Because they are damn hard to find. She is likely most upset that she was filmed and did not make any money off it (at least not yet. Playboy is coming, you watch).

But this is where we have come as a society. Pamela Anderson's fame went up after her sex tape. Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton and Brittany Spears made flashing their beavers while coming out of cars fashionable. So I give Andrews credit for the peep videos. An alleged horrific incident has turned into a Dancing with the Stars win (it is going to happen, as Gavin Newsome would say, whether you like it or not) and an acting career.

Seriously, though, can those videos still be found? If only Sun Devil were still alive.

IS ANYBODY surprised that the Giants are going to be hosting the first game in the new Meadowlands Stadium? Does anybody even think that there was actually a coin-flip at all? Jets owner Woody Johnson does not believe so, and to be honest, I do not, either.

The whole thing is as fishy as that Andrews' video, and not as titillating.

The Jets are second-class citizens, and the Mara family is always going to get the benefit of the doubt. In fact, I wish there would have been a way to wager on that coin flip, because there was no way that was going to end up in the Jets favor.

There was a report that Johnson's tirade could cost the Jets a Super Bowl bid. Uh, does this stadium have a retractable roof that I did not hear about? Because there is no way a Super Bowl should be considered in New York. Talk about your arrogance. Why would New York be considered for an outdoor Super Bowl and not New England or Washington or even Baltimore?

Seriously though, why is there not a roof over this thing? And why not Yankee Stadium and the new ballpark where the Mets play? There is no reason to have outdoor stadiums when we have the technology to put in retractable roofs. That would be like designing a new automobile and leaving out the seat belts. Good lord this is stupid.

The 2009 ALCS was marred because of the crappy weather in New York. And Chone Figgins. So I guess that explains why the Mets do not need a roof. But still. Should we start a Facebook page saying no New York Super Bowl?

NOW SOME tournament thoughts ... Actually, I've got nothing. Not following college basketball this year has made it tough for me, meaning my bracket will do better than ever. I am, like I mentioned earlier, excited for for the West Coast mid-majors. But one of them is BYU, which has lost seven consecutive opening round games. Maybe this is the year that BYU turns it around, but Billy Donovan vs. Dave Rose seems like a mis-match.

Still sticking with Kansas. That team looks awesome. But I am really getting scared that Duke could walk into the finals. Do not let that happen, people.

Of course, the best part of March Madness is betting the dogs. No, not the underdogs, but actual dog racing. But as Doc Ross points out, the true joy comes from booing the other dogs. Take that PETA!

AND FINALLY ...

Seriously, you have not left yet? Go home people.

We will have updates this week though, so check back.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Packers New Throwbacks: Kickin'

I have not loved a throwback uniform this much since the Buccaneers brought back the orange unis. The Packers are going to look awesome in this getup next season. Even the brown helmets complete the look, well done Green Bay.

You would come to expect something cool like this from the Packers, who ooze history.

The Bears, on the other hand, break out orange uniforms which are cool, but at the same time, not so much. The Bears have just as much history as the Packers, but find ways to mangle it with a poorly re-designed stadium. Sorry, it is just the truth.

As a non-biased observer, Green Bay definitely gets the edge here for probably the best throw back until the St. Louis FC moves to Los Angeles and breaks out the old-school blue-and-white uniforms of the Fearsome Foursome.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

The Post Mortem: Jay Bilas Speaks the Truth

The Hater Nation is going to attempt something that has never been done on the Internets -- praising an announcer. This will likely get us shunned from the cool-kids club, but you have to give credit where credit is due.

Jay Bilas, despite being a Dookie, was actually really good in the ESPN selection show after CBS went off the air. Bilas had always been one of those guys who had always bugged me, but he is really coming into his own as an announcer.

Bilas made an astute point that we as basketball fans complained when the mid-majors were robbed last year. And now people are trying to complain about the power conferences being snubbed in 2010. Bilas made the point -- none of these teams that are snubbed are going to win the national championship.

He is absolutely correct.

So I appreciate the NCAA selection committee rewarding some of those mid-major programs, giving them a chance to establish themselves. Illinois, Virginia Tech and some of the other 'big-time' schools can complain, but those programs had the chance to win games, and win conference tournaments. You need to win to get in.

For too long, the BCS-level schools have avoided scheduling teams like Utah State. So it was great seeing the Aggies get into the tournament. Maybe the Illini or Hokies should take a trip to Logan, Utah next year to avoid this. Not that I would expect it, but that is one way to solve the problem, Seth Greenberg.

Now the West Coast mid-majors need to make some noise in the tournament. I called for these teams to be included, prove your worth.

WHILE WE praise Bilas from Duke, it seems that the NCAA selection committee thinks a lot of Duke as a program, too. The Blue Devils received probably the easiest path to the Final Four. Or at least the Elite 8, Where they will run into West Virginia, and our misery will be ended. Duke's bracket is more favorable than Kansas who will face a near murderer's row to get to the Final Four starting with UNLV in the second round.

But going back to Duke, did anybody notice that ESPN's Sports Dork Bill Simpson was weighing in with the Duke hate? The Sports Dork, who famously does not follow college sports that he almost becomes smug about it. (Almost?)

The guy who admits that he has no idea about college hoops, so much so that he is trying to find ways to 'fix' the tournament (here's a hint, it is fine), hates Duke.

The reason why this is relevant is because the Dork seems like the kind of guy who should be rooting for Duke. Honestly, both Duke and the Dork are a perfect fit.

WHO THE hell is Wofford? Honestly.

WATCHING FORMER Chargers RB LaDainian Tomlinson in the green and white will be difficult. And you could argue that like Antonio Cromartie, LT did a great job of helping the Jets to the AFC Championship Game last year.

But consider this, Tomlinson might not be one of those players who had an off-color curtain call like O.J. Simpson (49ers), Emmitt Smith (Cardinals), Franco Harris (Steelers), Ki-Jana Carter (Saints).

Tomlinson is actually upgrading teams, unlike the aforementioned superstars. The Jets line is one of the best and he will not be asked to carry the load. Not going to predict any sort of Curtis Martin-like rebound, but Tomlinson could post solid numbers and good become one of those touchdown vultures for the Jets.

Do not be surprised if it happens.

NOBODY WAS happier on Selection Sunday than Brady Quinn being selected by the Broncos. The Browns could have dealt Quinn to the Broncos last year for Jay Cutler. Now the Browns get like a sixth-round pick.

Enjoy Jake Delhomme.

AND FINALLY ...

My quick bracket pick, Kansas over West Virginia.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

The Weak Ender: THN's Dating Service

Athletes, as a rule, are pretty dumb. And we are not talking about Tim Tebow scoring a 22 on the Wonderlic test (which translates to a 104 IQ, not bad for somebody who graduated from what DJ Gallo called the Tebow Prep School).

But just look at the news over the past week. Ben Roethlisberger raped a chick. Jonny Loquasto talked about all of the professional athletes siring kids out of wedlock in his hilarious THN debut. And it got me thinking, we need some sort of NFL escort service to keep these numb skulls out of trouble.

Why are NFL players dating townies and other broads which can only lead to trouble? These women obviously want something from these guys, so why bother with the general population. Your best chance is to marry your high school sweetheart while you are still at some curtain-jerking MAC school. Or better yet, go for a celebrity.

Tony Romo, for all of his bad decisions on the field, was pretty smart to go after Jessica Simpson. She obviously did not want a baby, because it would derail her career as a hot, sexy starlet. And if he did, Simpson likely makes more money than him anyway.

Jason Sehorn obviously married up when he went with Angie Harmon. (Which still burns me.)

So if Roethlisberger likes these college-age chicks, how about a little hottie like Emma Stone?

The Hater Nation could make a pretty good sum of money, hooking up athletes with actresses on a dating Web site. And that does not even factor in all of the gay football players who could find an easy beard.

Why am I giving away this idea for free in The Weak Ender? Hopefully Lenny Dykstra does not try to steal this.

THERE WAS a big pillow fight between former ESPN employee Keith Olbermann and the Sports Dork, Bill Simpson. The Sports Dork made some sort of ill-advised remark about Tiger Woods' potential comeback, ignorantly saying it would be tougher than what Ali went through after he skipped the Vietnam War.

But if Olbermann made a comment every time that the Dork said something, he would not have enough time to do his own show. And in this war of words, Olbermann clearly outclassed Simpson, who showed that he was illequipped to engage in any sort of meaningful discussion that involved any sort of original thought outside of regurgitating Karate Kid quotes.

The Sports Dork has always been shown to be somewhat of a buffoon, who rarely writes while thinking and whose social commentary has been retarded by excessive 90210 rerun viewings.

This obviously will do nothing to stall Simpson's popularity with the morons who read his ESPN columns and download his podcasts, but it was nice to see him eviscerated by somebody who carries some media clout and credibility. So while I do not always agree with Olbermann, I found myself cheering him on this week.

THE BROWNS quarterback situation is so bad, Seneca Wallace and Jake Delhommme seem like viable solutions. At least while Brady Quinn is watching his NFL career vanish, he can do it without all of the glare of the cameras that caught his embarrassment during the NFL Draft.

And who would have thought that Quinn's draft tumble would end up being the highlight of his career. I hope he saved his money wisely.

THERE IS a market for RB LaDainian Tomlinson after all. LT could be playing in Minnesota, where he left negotiations with a Vikings jersey. Now, I love LT, I know that he has fallen out of favor with causal NFL fans for some reason. That means the Vikings could end up being the most hated team in the NFL. Although they already were if you were a fan of the Los Angeles Rams in the 1970s.

But it seems fitting if Tomlinson signs with the Jets, the team that ruined one of th Chargers' best chances to reach the Super Bowl.

THE BENGALS made the right football move by going with WR Antonio Bryant. But he deprived us of having Terrell Owens and Chad Ochocinco on the same team. And that kind of sucks.

But there are reports that T.O. could be heading to the Raiders, and we as a football society deserve this. We really do. But the Raiders are hemorrhaging money, so do not expect this to happen. Watch, Owens will end up playing for damn near free in Jacksonville.

WHY IS Torii Hunter being given so much grief for his comments about Latin players? Seriously, you are not going to run him off, or paint him as some racist. He was correct, African Americans are more drawn towards basketball and football. Latin players play for less money. Who does not see this? Try to find a controversy someplace else.

AND FINALLY ...

Cal State Fullerton's Gerard Anderson makes some Northridge player look French. Seems fitting that a player from the Valley is getting a chance to jump start his porn career.

RIP Merlin: One of the Greatest Rams Ever

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

At Least Big Ben Did Not Knock Her Up

Hey, since I am mailing it in, how about a guest column? I am not sure if this young man wants to go on the record with his name, so we will call him, hell, we do not know what to call him. Back in the day we would have come up with a break good name. For right now, we will call him the Heartbreak Kid. (Actually, he is using his real name, joining Conrad Bain as the only guys on this site who go by their real names. Awesome.

By the Jonny Loquasto

This past week, the New York Jets strengthened their already powerful defense by trading for Chargers cornerback Antonio Cromartie. The real story is how they the Jets then fronted him $500,000 so he could pay child support for his seven kids by six different women in five different states. Clearly, he kept himself busy during road trips. I get it dude, you travel to alot of different cities. Next time, pick up a shot glass & a t-shirt on your way out instead of making a baby you're never gonna see.

Now his story is just one in a long line of professional athletes who are having enough kids to fill up every position on a baseball field. Former Running back Travis Henry-nine kids by nine women. That's the worst case of ADD I've ever seen. Now I completely understand why you were arrested two years ago for drug trafficking, you had to pay for all the "baby on board" stickers for the windowns of your AstroVan.

Evander " The Real Deal" Holyfield-nine illiigitimate kids & a wife who just accused him of assault. Right now he wishes that his biggest problem was Mike Tyson biting his ear off.

But my favorite fertile athlete of all time: Shawn Kemp. When he faded away from the NBA amid drug & alcohol problems, he was at seven kids by five women. It's now rumored that he's up to 11 kids by nine women. And I always wondered why his nickname was the Reign Man.

Bottom line is, something has to be done. These guys aren't taking responsibility, so it's time for drastic measures. We need to make a 3 strikes rule. Once you spawn your third illigitimate child, you get a league mandated vasectomy. Ya think it's harsh athletes, then stop dropping your pants all over the country because we got Bob Barker on speed dial & he knows where to get ya neutered. Get your act together deadbeat athletes, or there's gonna be a snippin' at your conjunction junction.

If you liked this, check out Jonny's official site, J Lo Comedy.

Packers New Look Will Kick It Old School

The Packers are second to none when it comes to NFL tradition. They have won the most NFL titles, play in what has to be considered the league’s mecca — Lambeau Field — and you can tailgate in somebody’s front yard before the game.

And maybe more importantly, the uniforms that Vince Lombardi’s Packers wore when they ruled the NFL in the 1960s are the same as the uniforms the team currently wears. (Except for maybe the long sleeves). NFL teams seemingly change uniforms more often than they change water boys, but the Packers’ look has endured for generations. From Bart Starr to Aaron Rodgers, or Ray Nitschke to Clay Matthews, the green-and-gold of the Packers has lived on.

So you can imagine some trepidation when the Packers announced that they would add a third jersey for the 2010 season.

But don’t fret. President/CEO Mark Murphy says the Packers are going old school with the third jersey.

“Some teams use different colors, like the Bears have had an orange jersey, but for us what really makes sense is to have a historical jersey and uniform,” Murphy said, according to the team’s Web site. “What’s exciting about this is it’s so different. The colors are different, and I think our fans will really enjoy this.”

Expect the Packers to unveil a navy blue jersey similar to the 1920s version at the team’s fan fest Friday. But the leather helmet and “Acme Packers” lettering on the front? Not so much.

Tuesday, March 09, 2010

Academy Smites THN

Excuse me for being a touch behind on this story, as I have not watched the Academy Awards since 1982 when the show was on the same time as the Georgetown vs. North Carolina national championship game. I was overruled that night by my mother and sisters (my dad was away on float), so I swore to never watch the Oscars ever again.

In fact, I almost became an actor so that I could be nominated for an Oscar and then still not show up for the award show.

Of course, if I had done that, I would have probably been left off the postmortem montage in the year after I died. Just like Farrah Fawcett and Bea Arthur. Two broads who have a huge impact here on The Hater Nation.

I have always been quite taken with Farrah from the moment that she admitted that she liked to have sex under trees during her performance in the Cannonball Run. That and the fact that she refused to wear a bra.

And Bea has long been a part of THN's roasts.

There is no reasonable explanation as to why these two women where left off the portion of the Academy Awards when they honor those fallen Hollywood stars. There was a flimsy excuse that these women were more television stars. While true, but they were in their fair share of prominent movies.

Yes, even bigger than the Cannonball Run. Not that you can believe that.

But WTF academy? Farrah was snubbed by dying the same day as Michael Jackson and you give him some love during the Oscar's telecast? Good lord, what movie was he ever in?

This is clearly a joke, and if I am not mistaken the Academy has done this before when it neglected to include Stu Nahan into its montage (or at least we think it did).

I have a feeling this gals will dominate the GA banner again this year.

Sunday, March 07, 2010

The Post Mortem: Of Roethlisberger's Career

Ah, what can you say about Ben Roethlisberger that hasn't already been screamed out by some coed being ridden in the bathroom of a college bar like some stole beach cruiser in Isla Vista?

America got some shocking news about Roethlisberger this weekend: The Steelers quarterback certainly likes his girlie drinks.

A police investigation of Roethlisberger's offseason home also had a shocking find: Cases and case of Tequila Rose and a lamination machine used to make fake IDs.

I don't want to say that Roethlisberger makes poor choices, but Axl Rose thinks you're a (expletive) up.

I don't want to say that Roethlisberger has a problem with booze, but Billy Joel and David Hasselhoff thinks that he needs to chill the f out.

And seriously, not to belabor the point, but Roethlisberger was drinking 'O bombs' which is so fruity, even Steve in Houston finds that a little queer. Elton John even thinks that he needs to butch up his drinks.

Not that I would ever condone what Roethlisberger allegedly did, but I wish he would have gone out swinging with some Jagerbombs. We've all done weird (expletive) on Jagerbombs. Seriously bro, those girlie drinks make your face all puffy.

ALL JOKES aside, I honestly feel bad for Roethlisberger, not because this young lady may or may not have been setting him up. Instead because of all of the great decisions that Roethlisberger has made in his career to win two Super Bowls, he is a complete dip (expletive) when it comes to his life off the field.

Coming inches of losing your life in a motorcycle crash should have been an awakening experience. As was being set up by that former Harrah's employee in Lake Tahoe.

Roethlisberger needs to start hanging out with adults, and not partying with 20 year olds in college towns. This is what happens when you grow up a spoiled athlete in a world where nobody tells you "no."

In short, grow up Ben.

CONGRATULATIONS TO Sandra Bullock for winning the Academy Award for best actress. Sunset Beach represent! Needless to say that she will never have to pay for another drink at Taco Surf again.

MY BOY Nick in Kent may have summed up free agency weekend the best when he said that his Bears have won March Madness for the second consecutive year. Pass rusher Julius Peppers can be dominating when he wants to be. Chester Taylor does not have a lot of wear and tear, but the Metrodome seems to age your career by an extra three years. Although that might not be as prevalent now that the team has the synthetic turf.

What is weird is that teams such as the Redskins and Raiders have behaved in this uncapped year. Very surprising.

The Chiefs keep trying to land running backs. But come on, let Jamaal Charles do the running.

Jets CB Antonio Cromartie will never leave San Diego. Well, at least his children will not.

And why the face, Cardinals? Some franchises cannot seem to handle winning very well. At least they did not throw a ton of money at Jake Delhomme. Well, at least not yet. But lets be real about the Cardinals' defense. The unit did give up like 800 points in its last six quarters.

AND FINALLY ...

The Hatriot nailed this one. Actually, The Hatriot and Bain did a lot of heavy lifting over the weekend proving that some of the best stuff on the site is done in the comments section. But in case you missed it, here is a genius take on Ric Flair's domestic violence issues.

What? Nothing all week on the domestic disturbance call at Ric Flair's house? Apparently, Ric and the Missus were both drunk and going at it. The cops show up and Ric's bleeding from his forehead. The cops arrest... wait for it...
the wife!
Come on now! How many of you, while drunk and brawling with the old lady, would have the presence of mind to blade yourself when you hear cops knocking on the door? Well played, Nature Boy. WOOOOOOO!

Friday, March 05, 2010

The Weak Ender: Racing Is Getting Better

Turns out we were dead wrong about Danica Patrick all along. Especially now that more drivers like Milka Duno are joining the field. Can you say Indianapolis 500 cat fight?

Maybe they can have Danica and Milka have one of those staged press conferences like they do in boxing where they pretend to hate each other and start clawing, and well, you know the rest.

Although that sounds like a Go Daddy commercial.

I am trying to find the downside to having more hot chicks in racing. Not that I will follow it more, but it is just good to have around.

NFL FREE agency started on Friday morning. And the first big signing ... Nate Burleson joins the Lions. Yes, is anybody going to dare scream tampering now?

This uncapped year is going to turn into a total bust. I know a lot of Raiders fans were hoping that the uncapped year was going to yield a spending spree that would make Yankees fans jealous. Instead, the team will likely lose CB Nnamdi Asomugha. But will certainly keep QB JaMarcus Russell.

There were a couple of interesting moves. The Panthers released QB Jake Delhomme, and will go with Matt Moore. The contract that the Panthers gave to Delhomme last year -- after his playoff meltdown against the Cardinals -- was Raiders-level stupid. Now that guy is going to get paid a lot of money to not play in Carolina this year.

The Chargers wisely tendered Darren Sproles, as tampering was obviously going there. But the team did away with the Shawn Kemp of the NFL, Antonio Cromartie by trading him to the Jets. Cromartie was a knucklehead and clearly fell out of favor in San Diego. But he could be a huge asset for the Jets if he takes to Jets coach Rex Ryan. Cromartie is an idiot, but he can play. Wow, that was a good move for the Jets.

BRETT FAVRE returned to late night TV. Again, he has not made up his mind. And seriously, why are people so personally offended by his decision. I wake up every day and wonder if I want to go to work, too. Good lord.

YANKEES SLUGGER Mark Teixeira told reporters this week that he was deeply entrenched in the Yankees tradition. Cool, somebody get him some flight lessons.

AND FINALLY

Rick Reilly came up with some rules for rushing the court after a thrilling win. Though it was a few years late.

But the Maryland game was pretty obscene. You are No. 23 in the country Maryland, act like it.

Tuesday, March 02, 2010

Please Continue to Respect Erin Andrews' Privacy

Erin Andrews wants you to respect her privacy. She would like to be viewed as a pure journalist. Oh, and she is not to be objectified sexually.

And the best way to accomplish that?

Appear on Dancing with the Stars.

You have to credit the Erin Andrews PR machine, which is rivaled only by Danica Patrick’s. Although Patrick does deliver some discernible talent. Andrews claim to fame is a released nude video.

The curious thing is that if you feel violated and you don’t want to be ogled by legions of men, why would you go on a show where sex appeal is one of the biggest selling points. Or did the rest of you become a fan of Kelly Monaco because she was just a really good dancer?

Not that Andrews should not choose to pursue any endeavor that may strike her fancy, but is she going to be dancing in Elizabethan clothing? Andrews certainly should not live in shame, otherwise the person she hired to film her perpetrator has won. And we don't want that. But still, this seems akin to bemoaning beauty pageants for objectifying women, then appearing on Miss America.

Just curious, is all.

This should be evidence that Andrews intends to be leaving ESPN soon and launching into a new career. Probably in the ABC family of networks that is going to go out of their way to promote her. And really, is there any way she does not win this? The ‘Net geeks are going to be stuffing the ballot box like the GH geeks did for Monaco.

The Post Mortem: We Still Own the Moon!

“We will not take this lying down. Hit them in their soft financial underbelly. Until we get OUR HOCKEY GOLD no Canadian liquids for me, not Molson beer, no Canadian whiskey, that stupid Ginger Ale or maple syrup.

It’s on.

And we still own the moon.”

-- The Reverend

Well, I might be taking the loss to Canada a little bit better than our good friend the Reverend. And imagine how he would have felt if he knew that the men’s hockey team lost to Canada, too.

And really Canada, your women’s celebration was much, much better than your men. Where were the beers and cigars on the ice? That really was awesome.

So now we must go through the song and dance about how much this is going to increase the ratings of the NHL. Well, if you could find an NHL game on television. But while this should help the popularity of the sport a little, there is no reason to believe that there will be a swell of new hockey fans.

I like hockey. I consider myself a casual observer. A playoff hockey fan if you will. Though the recent history of the Kings has meant that I have been on a hockey strike for a long, long time (though that will change this year, fools!).

But my biggest gripe is who cares? My joy of a sport does not depend on how many of my fellow countrymen are watching the game. Screaming, cheering and creating a scene after the USA tied Sunday’s game was awesome and led to some camaraderie with the neighbors. But why does it have to mean that hockey will take over the world?
They do this stuff with soccer, too. They are so egger to make soccer the next big thing. And it never happens. The same for NASCAR, too.

How about this people, let’s just say that I can enjoy my sports without them taking over the world. I will be back to hockey when the playoffs start. Just don’t push me.

THE NEXT big sport to take over the world is curling! Alright, I am just kidding.
IS COORS Light a Molson product? Wow, I don’t know what I am going to drink now. At least there is Pabst Blue Ribbon.

VIKINGS FANS are going pulling out all of the stops to get Brett Favre back. Billboards, newspaper ads (like he reads the paper), etc. I guess the threat of Tarvaris Jackson being your team’s quarterback will do that.


AND FINALLY …
The NFL is considering a rule change to its overtime. The gist, a game ends if a team scores a touchdown on the very first possession. A field goal gives the other team a chance to score. If the teams trade field goals, it is on to first to score wins.

Good lord. Why does this have to be so bloody complicated?

College has the best overtime rules. The NFL should just take a modified version of it. Instead of starting at the 25-yard line, push it back to the 40, to take away the chippy field goal. But good Lord, why are they make such a huge ordeal about this? You stole the 2-point conversion from college, why not this?

Monday, March 01, 2010

First Look: Best Sporting Events You Have Watch

I could not have been the only one who 'marked out' when the US tied yesterday's Olympic final. The walls were likely shaking at many places around the country. But that was truly one of the most thrilling plays I have ever witness, all hyperbole aside.

What are some of your top sports moments? A couple that rival, to me, would be Magic Johnson's baby hook, Adam Vinatieri's field goal to beat the FC, and of course, Spiezio's homer in Game 6 of the 2002 World Series.

What do you have?