Friday, February 26, 2010

The Weak Ender: The Gauntlet Vancouver

Somehow the winter games have turned somehow less Olympics and more into a Real World – Road Rules challenge. Of course, that would make Bode Miller the U.S. version of Puck, so maybe that is not too much off base here.

Honestly, I believe my favorite thing out of the Olympics so far – other than curling – is the phrase Vonn-Torage. The world needed that. The world also needed Lindsey Vonn’s take on Tiger Woods, too.

When a member of her Vonn-tourage tells her that Woods gave a few friends hugs after ending his statement, she cracks, 'They're like, Yeah, you're awesome, you go have that sex.'...Then she describes a skit she would want to perform if asked to host Saturday Night Live: picture Vonn at Woods' podium, blue backdrop and all. 'There's something you don't know about me,' Vonn says in a faux solemn, apologetic voice. 'Tiger, you're like my idol, and I too have a sex problem...That would be freaking funny.'

Saturday Night Live funny, for sure. But seriously, what the hell did that even mean? Where was the joke in that? Are we supposed to find that funny because she is attractive?

For all of that, though, I have to side with Julia Mancuso on this one.

(A back-to-back Weak Ender girl which I cannot believe has happened since Kelly Monaco used to haunt this site repeatedly. And I am sure that Dr. Doug is not complaining, though Danica Patrick was the other option here.)

The whole skiing event was about Vonn’s hurt shin, her broken finger, blah, blah, blah. You can see how these other athletes could be a little bummed out. And it’s not like Vonn is of Shaun White’s stature, either.

And let's be honest, Mancuso is just way better looking. Vonn's looks are like the Donovan McNabb -- severely overrated.

THE WORLD now has a mourning boner (taken from Sons of the Sports Guy). Some say we recently lost Boner, but could you not argue that we lost Andrew’s acting talents a long time ago?

And did anybody see Kirk Cameron’s message to his friend? He said that Mike Seaver and Boner could always work things out.

Dude, being type-cast like that is what drove him to suicide. Your message obviously did not help.

DID ANYBODY catch Tessa Virtue signing O' Canada following her gold-medal performance in ice dancing? Hot chick, singing one of my favorite songs in the world. That's right, I love the Canadian national anthem.

HAVE YOU ever tried to convince your friends that football is not gay? Well, combine week is going to make it pretty difficult for you. Seriously, dudes taking pictures of dudes running around in their underwear? Good luck.

BRETT FAVRE will be on the Tonight Show when it returns. Jay Leno should also book Artie Lange to be a guest on that show. And think of this Artie, you just got shown up by Boner from Growing Pains. He had the sack to make it happen.

AND FINALLY ...

The best hockey takes on this site come in the comments section. But, is there any reason to believe the US can beat Canada for the gold medal? Honestly, that beat down that Canada served to Russia is frightening. Canada is going to be motivated and the US could get its butts kicked. Discretion would be the better part of valor. I feel that the US will lose on Friday, blowing the dream matchup.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

I'm Sailing Away ... with the Raiders

The Raiders announced Monday the creation of a seven-day "Raidercruise" along the Mexican Riviera.

And to be honest, that is a very big tee right there, but I will definitely take the high road on this one.

Sorry, that is just way too easy.

Monday, February 22, 2010

LT, Anywhere but Oakland

Dear LaDainian Tomlinson, thank you for nine great years in San Diego. Good luck in your future endeavors.

Just do not sign with the Oakland Raiders.
Great running backs finishing their careers in other stops is not just uncommon, it is almost a certainty. Of the NFL’s top 20 running backs of all time, only three have finished their career with the team they started with – Jim Brown, Walter Payton, and Barry Sanders.

So Tomlinson’s departure from San Diego was not so much an uncertainty as it was merely a formality. A rite of passage for being one of the top running backs in the generation.

That being said, please do not go to the Raiders.

Not that there is a fear that LT would regain his 2005 form. Running backs just do not bounce back in their 10th year. But LT going to the Raiders would be a disaster. A train wreck of epic proportions.

But if LT sneaks away to Philadelphia, for instance, then the whole thing will be forgotten like Tony Dorsett playing with the Broncos. Emmitt Smith playing with the Cardinals. Or Ki-Jana Carter with the Saints.

So Tomlinson should avoid make a spectacle of himself, and avoid going to Oakland.
Of course, Tomlinson said that he only wants to play for a team that has a chance to win the Super Bowl and has a solid quarterback.

So we don’t have to worry about him going to the Raiders at all.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

The Post Mortem: USA! USA!

Our good friend Johnny California was wed on Saturday and unfortunately, we were not able to serenade the new couple in a USA! USA! chant, as we would have liked. (Honestly, this thing was at the Biltmore in Los Angeles and seemed a touch inappropriate.) Thankfully, the United States hockey team allowed us that opportunity.

And before we get on to the game (well, come on I am not a hockey expert), can we please stop with all of the comparisons to the 1980 team? We can have two great hockey experiences in our lifetime. Both wins kind of stand out on their own. But to be perfectly frank, these two wins really do not mirror each other at all.

The was the whole college players vs. Russian professionals (which sounds like a Showtime soft core movie). Oh yeah, and the Cold War. Come on, we have an open border with Canada.

So let's leave 1980 on its own merits and enjoy this game for what it was.

For starters, the Canadians are not eliminated. This was a great win for our team, and damn I was excited, but this is akin to the Jets beating the Colts in Week 16. What really matters is the gold medal.

But this does give the United States team a ton more confidence, while Canada skated off the ice with that shellshocked look typically reserved for Gomer. Canada looked so nervous during the game, you had to wonder if Tony Dungy was over there calling the plays. The Canadian team looked like they had the steely resolve of native son Michael J. Fox during that game, especially Martin Brodeur.

Overall though, this was a thrilling game and for somebody like me, who has seen the Team USA and the Los Angeles Kings return to relevance in the same year, I am now looking forward to the Stanley Cup Finals.

STILL NOT getting passed the Michael J. Fox joke, right? Moving along.

AT LEAST Canada still has curling. The Canadian women looked confident and poised, a stark contrast from the men's hockey team. And that broad who is the main curler for Canada, she looks like she should be starring in The Real Housewives of Canadian Curling. She has that look.

BTW, there seems to be some controversy brewing over the crowds at curling, that they might be a little too cheerful. Are you kidding me? Your drinking game is in the Olympics, be glad people show up at all. If anything, you should be made to do shots if you miss all of the other stones on the ice. So be happy that 'excessive cheering' is all you have to deal with.

HAS ANYBODY watched this Boss Undercover show on CBS? Wow, watched the 7-11 and Hooters episodes back-to-back. Good stuff.

AND FINALLY ...

I feel like this will be a big week. Maybe more than two posts. Yep, I am feeling it.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

The Weak Ender: Let the Games Begin

The Olympics are providing hotties in the most unusual places. You expect the good from skiing, like Lindsey Vonn or even better, Julia Mancuso. But how about that Olympic curling? No, not the Americans. The American broads looked like the kind of women you would typically find driving minivans to the Mall of America in Minnesota. But the Japanese team was absolutely adorable.

Almost enough to make you forget about all of those bogus Toyotas they are shipping out of that country. Seriously, we have given that country baseball, McDonalds and now crappy cars. Guess you can say that the Americanization of Japan is now comprete.

Now, it appears that many of you are going wacky morning FM DJ on curling. You hear the same basically laments, nobody knows the rules and is these even a real sport?

First of all, you know the rules of soccer, does that make it any more enjoyable to you?

And b.) if figure skating is a sport, then curling is a sport. As Norm MacDonald always said, if these figure skaters were so good, why don’t they play hockey?

I will concede that curling might be more of a drinking game than it is an actual sport. But if that means we get more drinking games into the Olympics, well, that cannot be considered a bad thing. Seriously, if there is ever Olympic flip cup, beer pong or Beirut, then this cannot be considered a bad thing.

And to the people who are complaining about snowboarding being on tape delay, think of your target audience here. Seriously, do you believe that snowboarders are worried about waking up for their jobs in the morning? Unlikely.

Of course, NBC has a large number of other networks, including USA, ScyFy (its spelling not mine), and others. And while they have done a decent job of playing some sports live, NBC should be doing it with all of the sports, and then using the prime time NBC for those who, you know, have jobs and stuff. We need more coverage not less. The 11:30 start for snowboard would not seem so alarming if there was a chance to watch it live on CNBC.

Really, the world can do without Keith Olbermann and Rachel Maddow’s smarminess for two weeks. Or let them do commentary. Either way, I am good with it.

DANICA PATRICK is in Southern California this week. I swore many years ago that I would not return to Fontana for a NASCAR race. I would go to this Nationwide series if not for prior commitments. Remember that NASCAR drivers when you are pissed off about Danica’s presence.

And did you notice that ESPN refers to her as Danica on the bottom line, and not Patrick.

SHAUN WHITE has to be considered one of the top athletes of this generation. Who else joins him, Usain Bolt? Michael Phelps? White, like those three, have no peer in their sport. You can pick the top baseball player, NFL or NBA guy. But there is always an argument.

You never will get an argument about White being the best snowboarder of his generation.

WHY IS Jim Nantz on my television admonishing guys for being whipped? Wasn’t this the same guy who cried on the stand during his divorce trial because his wife would not let him hang up an oil painting in his home? Please go away.

A PLANE flew into an IRS building on Thursday. First of all, stop laughing, it is not funny. Sure, I did pause for a moment to figure out whose side I was one, but seriously, that was wrong.

And my second thought, which Yankees player was it?

Too soon?

AND FINALLY ...

Pitchers and catchers this week. Football is nice, but the world is a better place when baseball is in season.

Monday, February 15, 2010

The Post Mortem: Let the Saints Have Fun

Peter King noticed that the Saints have been having certainly been reveling the Super Bowl win for a few days now. And while the Latte King doesn't believe the Saints are prone to be the Buster Douglass of the football world, just pointing it out (even while defending it) seems to do a disservice to the team.

In a sport where coaches have to take a leave of absence because they are driving themselves to a heart attack before the age of 50, maybe we should be encouraging the Saints to celebrate even more.

Look at the way Rex Ryan behaves following his team's success. Ryan is flipping the bird to UFC fans (who likely deserved it), showing his tremendous girth at a Carolina Panthers game and generally having a good time.

And if you looked at Ryan and Urban Meyer, who do you think would be more likely to have a heart attack, just from a physical standpoint?

So let's allow the Saints to have some fun. Seriously, does the NFL season really need to stretch all 52 weeks of the year?

Maybe having a little fun allowed the Saints to rally from a 10-point deficit, instead of playing from ahead to lose like Gomer and the Colts famously did. And you know Gomer has been reading defenses every day since the Super Bowl.

DOES ANYBODY have a good reason why the Olympic games are on tape delay? Are we moving closer to having the Super Bowl on tape delay? Imagine how fun that would be if the Super Bowl was on a delay on the West Coast. And as ridiculous as that seems, how does tape delaying the Olympics make any sense to anybody?

Although, we could have used an edited version of the Daytona 500. Yeah, that's a great spot you have there. A nearly two-hour delay because of a pothole? Try driving on the 405, jerks.

Talk about butching up, people. Yes, I am glad that Danica Patrick at least gave something noteworthy about this weekend which was nothing more than an unmitigated bust.

AND FINALLY ...

Screenwriter Kevin Smith was tossed off a Southwest plane for being too fat. Well, it was either that or Jersey Girl. And now fat people every where are planning a boycott of Southwest. To which I say, how can I get a seat on a Southwest plane? Please fat people, boycott Southwest. That would make those flights enjoyable.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

The Weak Ender: Memo to NASCAR

Danica Patrick has certainly received her fair share of grief in this space. Be it her fiery temper, or as we grapple with the eternal question of whether she is hot or not. And that cold, vacant look in her eyes when she tries to look sexy. (Though, she has gotten better.)

Danica is moving to the Nationwide series of NASCAR, the minor leagues if you will. And of course, a number of drivers are questioning her credentials. So allow me to echo the comments of the only logical person in NASCAR, Jimmie Johnson when I say, get a (expletive) clue you (expletive) rednecks.

How dumb are your morons?

Your sport sucks. NASCAR has had about as much success as Major League Soccer in taking over America. Nobody goes to your races. Your events in Fontana are no longer selling out. Nobody cares.

At least until now.

Now that Patrick is joining the Nationwide series, you guys are starting to get some much-needed publicity. And mind you, this is a minor NASCAR event. The Nationwide race will likely draw more interest than the Daytona 500.

Do you need to ask why? Who cares if Danica is qualified, or if she ever wins a race. Hell, you would be better off if she never wins, as her quest for victory will keep people tuning in.

I have not watched a NASCAR race since I stopped hanging out at the Shore House on Sundays two years ago. But I will watch the Nationwide race.

You stupid inbreds should be grateful that people care again. Good lord, it does not take a stretch to realize why you guys lost the Civil War.

Patrick is going to make you lots, and lots of money. If you do not think so, why don't you ask the PGA who it is doing without Tiger Woods. You rednecks should be fiddling her bean and thanking her giving NASCAR a go. Idiots.

SERIOUSLY BENGALS? You are going to sign PacMan Jones and Matt Jones?

AND FINALLY ...

The St. Louis FC is being passed from a murdering showgirl to a tax cheat. Well, if he can get approval from the NFL brain trust. Not sure if that is a sure thing. A source says that this could prove to be a sticky issue, and any bad publicity could derail his approval.

Might this be a Trojan horse by the Rosenblooms who can claim that they tried to sell the team to a local interest, but were denied.

Tuesday, February 09, 2010

Gomer Did Not Shake Hands

Gomer sulked off the field following Super Bowl XLIV and did not congratulate Saints QB Drew Brees or any members of the Saints.

And I honestly do not care.

Truly, I love beating down Gomer as much as possible. When it is deserved. Gomer certainly does not deserve the mild scorn he is receiving for this. Of course, Cavs guard LeBron James was ripped unmercifully for walking off the court after losing in the Eastern Conference Finals.

You do not need to use your imagine as to why James would get a lot of grief for this, and Gomer does not.

But THN backed James when he ran off the court, so we will extend the same courtesy to Gomer here, too. The whole notion of hand shakes after the games seems so silly. You just won. Celebrate your good fortune. Having to condescend to the loser takes a lot of the joy out of the moment.

It's a lot like that scene in Independence Day when everybody is congratulating and cheering after the alien ship goes down. And poor Adam Baldwin is the only guy who runs into Randy Quaid's son, who just blew himself up to save the world. You know Baldwin had to be thinking to himself was like, "Really? Humanity is saved and I have to talk to this buzz kill. Look kid, I am sorry your dad is gone. I doubted him, too, but let's party!"

Or how about when Billy Bob Thorton makes eye contact with Liv Tyler in Armageddon? Seriously, you just organized a mission to send a bunch of roughnecks into space to save the world, may I have a moment to myself to celebrate? Again, sorry your dad is gone, but he just saved the freaking world.

So no, Gomer walking off the field without shaking hands does not make him a douche. He is a douche for many, many, many other reasons. Although, hopefully Gomer will shake hands with the key grip and best boy after he makes another one of his insufferable commercials this offseason.

Sunday, February 07, 2010

The Post Mortem: Nice Try D-Bag

The most indelible image of Super Bowl 44 will be Gomer laying on his back, watching helplessly as his inevitable game-crippling interception is returned for a touchdown, seemingly ending the Super Bowl.

This is a Gomer I am more comfortable with. Watching Gomer become a confident, assertive, almost clutch quarterback would be akin to watching Clay Aiken win the WWF championship belt.

That just does not fit.

Gomer finally got his comeuppance, much like Ronald Miller when Cindy Mancini revealed that he had paid her to date him at that New Year’s Eve party in Can’t Buy Me Love.

Let us be real here. Gomer won a Super Bowl against Rex Grossman. The Colts beat the Jets and Raven in the playoffs – ending Mark Sanchez and Joe Flacco’s seasons. As Bain pointed out, the Saints ended the season – any made the careers – of the Kurt Warner Machine and Brett Favre.

Big difference.

Speaking of which, Lil’ Hater nailed it when he said that even Favre was embarrassed by Manning’s interception and pick six. Thank you Gomer, it is good to have you back.

Of course, the world was ready to crucify Favre for making an error. The media is already making excuses for Gomer, noting that he had a good game (but not as good as Favre had in New Orleans). Only Deion Sanders had the guts to call Gomer a choker. Is anybody else going to jump on board? I feel like Bobby 'the Brian' Heenan telling people about Mr. All America, but nobody will listen.

HOW ABOUT America’s Soccer Mom? Archie Manning struggled for years with the Saints and when his team finally wins a Super Bowl, he cannot celebrate because his idiot son lost. Karmic justice does not always move swiftly, but Mr. Saints cannot participate in the team’s championship parade because they beat his boy. Honestly, nothing could be better than that.

Suck it, Archie. (Yeah, real mature but come on, it captures the moment.)


NOW, THIS is normally not THN’s style. We should instead be reveling in the fact that not only did the Colts lose – but it was all Gomer’s fault. But we have to give some love to Saints QB Drew Brees. Because Brees certainly deserved to not only win this game, but join some of the elite quarterbacks in the NFL. Brees always seems to be on the cusp of top NFL quarterbacks, outside of the circle set aside for Gomer and Tom Brady.

And how does Chargers GM A.J. Smith feel right now? He let two Super Bowl MVPs get away. Not that the Chargers are not in good shape with Philip Rivers. The team has other problems other than quarterback, but if Smith ever let Rivers go, he would eventually be a Super Bowl MVP. (And is it fair to note that he passed on Ben Roethlisberger, too?)

THE COLTS are built for the regular season. Like they are the NFL version of the Angels. The Colts are not a postseason team. The Colts were taken apart physically and strategically – all in one play.

The Saints onsides kick showed that plucky spirit of a team playing to win. The Colts had a chance to recover the ball – Mr. Kendra Wilkinson, Hank Baskett blew that chance. The Colts, I am convinced, probably had the ball in that scrum that followed. One of the best scrums in NFL history, mind you. But the Saints proved that they wanted it more with that play, and it was at moment, where the real persona of the Colts started to surface.

The Colts have never showed any sort of killer instinct. Again, their only Super Bowl win came against Rex Grossman.

That onsides kick was only exasperated by the way the Colts finished the first half. The Colts had already driven 90 + yards for a touchdown in the first half. The Colts had the ball with close to two minutes left to go, and they run it three times? Did the Colts even want to win this game? Gomer had a drive that brought them back against the Jets during the end of the first half in the AFC Championship Game. The Colts could have delivered a crushing blow to the Saints in that instance.

They chose to Claude Lemieux, instead.

That is Colts football to me. So why I should not be surprised, I mean, of all people, I should not be surprised, but the Colts fulfilled their destiny again.

Think of it this way. Both teams were 13-0 this season. The Colts decided to rest their starters and play like punks. The Saints wanted to go undefeated. That winning mentality showed in the Saints on Sunday. The Colts, not so much.

PROPS TO Bain, he nearly nailed that final of the Super Bowl. And had Gomer punched it in, it is a spot-on prediction. To be honest, when you are looking for a Super Bowl pick, go Bain. He nails it every year.

SO KIM Kardashian wins the E! Channel bowl, right? No Ian Johnson moment from Reggie Bush though. Smart Reggie, smart.

AND FINALLY ...

Gomer's all-time playoff record, 9-9. Does that sound like the best quarterback in NFL history? Gomer's passer rating was near 90, but again, that interception.

Congratulations to the Saints

THN and Reader picks

Alright, great season. Thank you for sticking through the Bloguin deal, the return to THN. If you are still reading, thank you. After the year I have had (really last two months), you guys mean more than you know.

Here are the picks so somebody can have bragging rights tomorrow.

THN: Colts 42, Saints 17

NFL Jennifer: Declines, too much pressure.

Bain: Saints 31, Colts 24

The Hatriot: Colts cover

Diane: Saints 35, Colts 31

Kid Vegas: Colts cover

The Greek: Saints 42, Colts 34

Garvey Girls: Colts 34, 17

Reader Matt P.: Saints 35, Colts 31

Vandy: Colts and the over

The Reep: Colts 34, Saints 27

Dr. Johnny Fever: Colts 37, Saints 31

President Obama: Colts

Sports Book Hustle: The Super Bowl Edition

By Kid Vegas


All right it’s Super Bowl time, what is up with a Feb 7th Super Bowl, Roger Goodell keeps creeping the football season a couple extra days every season and hoping no one will notice. I don’t like it, I want my football season to start the first week of September and end the last week of January, but whatever. Did anyone even watch that Pro Bowl last week, with all the Super Bowl players being out and a lot of good players turning down spots it was more like the mediocre Bowl, does David Garrard now get to call himself a Pro Bowl Quarterback even though he was about the 12th choice? I would vote no, anyway let’s get onto the picks…



Indianapolis (-5) over Nawlins – It’s a foregone conclusion at this point, Peyton Manning is unstoppable this year, the Colts have won every game, the Saints aren’t even that good, they are incredibly lucky, but they had no right winning that game last week, the Colts are better than them in pretty much every aspect of the game, except maybe punt returning. Saints fans still have to be happy, they got further than anyone expected and way further than they should have.



Now let’s jump into some props, keep in mind I’ve never missed my SB prop of the year lock, dating back to when I had a $20 bet on Tom Brady throwing his retard 1-yard screen passes to more than 5 receivers in SB 38 to last year when I bet that Edgerrin James longest run would be shorter than 10 yards, so let’s hope I can extend the streak to 7 years, first a couple of appetizers…

Prop Runner up #2 - Joseph Addai under 80.5 total rushing/receiving yards

Prop Runner up #1 – First touchdown scored of game will be passing touchdown (-180)

And the SB Prop Lock of the Year – Total Sacks by Saints UNDER 1.5 - C’mon Peyton Manning has barely been sacked all year, I would be shocked, SHOCKED I say if the Saints even get to him once, sure he got hit a little by the Jets and the Ravens, but how did that work out for them?? Not well, because the fella DESTROYS the blitz, the Saints know this, they don’t know anything that will work, but at least they know the blitz won’t, they don’t have a strong pass rush, Smith is decent, but against the Colts line I wouldn’t expect anything from their front four. Plus it’s the Super Bowl, Peyton has put it beyond a shadow that he’s the clutchest player in the league this year, he won’t be making any poor decisions in the biggest game of the year. He’s smart, knows when to get rid of the ball, can always feel the pressure coming, never gets injured, and if the game is close he will go out of his way to avoid a sack. No bet is ever a sure thing, but the best chance of this one losing is if the Colts are up by 40 and they put in Painter and the third string O-line, those guys racked up more sacks in one half against the Jets in Week 16 than Peyton did all year.

Thursday, February 04, 2010

The Weak Ender: This Will Be a Black Sunday

Is Sports Illustrated guilty of using a cover that is in bad taste? I get the reasoning. But again, this is Sports Illustrated and this is probably the first time the magazine has had a women on the cover in clothes -- and not a bathing suit -- since, well, ever.

And Lindsey Vonn here is striking a skiing pose. Of course, Phil Mickelson is striking a golf pose here, but that will likely never make its way to the cover of Sports Illustrated.

Just saying.

But this is Super Bowl weekend, so everybody wants to talk football. Except for me. I am ready for the season to be over. I don't even care if the Super Bowl is bad or good. Just like three weeks ago, there is no way Gomer is going to lose this thing.

Gomer's career arch is very similar to Jerry O'Connell's, who started out as the fat, dopey kid and now is married to Rebecca Romijn.

Gomer, of course, has a few differences seeing that he does not live with his wife. But Gomer has gone from that, well, Gomer, who could not win the big game to a guy who actually looks clutch.

There is a part of me wishing that this is my mind going into a defense mechanism, or maybe a way to jinx Gomer out of the Super Bowl. But I truly believe that the Colts are going to win this game, and the final score is not going to be close.

The lone chance the Saints had was blown when Gregg Williams started bragging about taking late hits against Gomer. Now you know the referees are going to be quick to drop the flag if a Saints defender gets close.

My guess is that Gomer comes out with the yips, but those late-hit calls will bail him out, so he can right the ship and lead his team to the win.

There is just no other conceivable outcome. I am happy that I will never have to eat my words about the Raiders, but Gomer is going to win another Super Bowl this year.

Makes your picks, people.

Colts 42, Saints 17.

You can try to convince my otherwise. The Jets were leading 17-3 late in the first half of the AFC Championship Game. And if Mark Sanchez could have gotten a first down at the end of the half, the game could have been different. But that is thinking with my heart, in a way to justify picking the Saints.

But New Orleans just cannot do it. There will be no shocking of the world. Well, there will be. Gomer is clutch.

Who do you guys have?

Monday, February 01, 2010

The Post Mortem: Best Pro Bowl Ever

Some are calling Sunday's Pro Bowl the best of all-time. Be glad that the response is going to be cleaned up after words like handjob were going to be used in an analogy. And cousins.

But I digress.

But I haven't seen people go through the motions so obviously since Nicole Kidman was married to Tom Cruise.

The Pro Bowl had all of the sincerity of a stripper explaining that this is her first weekend on the job, and that she is going back to El Paso to be a paramedic.

So lets dispense all of the niceness.

CBS is squarely on my s-list right now, and deservedly so.

The argument I laid out on Friday, still rings true today. In this economy, no television network should be turning down $2 million for a 30-second commercial. Want to deliver a pro-life message? Fine, give me $2 million. Want to advertise your gay dating website? Wonderful, give me $2 million. Want Gomer to sell televisions?

We will get back to you on that one.

I have the same argument that I had before. Is a 30-second spot going to turn you gay or even offend you? And let's be real, this is not anti-gay. Because when two chicks say, 'Let's make out' during a Miller Lite ad, that is a ratings hit. But two guys embracing on a couch, that is too racy.

Honestly, that is tamer than the sexual tension in Top Gun.

To be honest, CBS is probably not entirely at fault here. You have to imagine that the NFL is a little bit uncomfortable. Because the only embracing and other homoerotic behavior should be saved for the field, not the Super Bowl commercials. The only ass-grabbing should come from Brett Favre. The only endzones to be violated should be the ones on the field, and at Terrell Owens' house.

And speaking of distasteful. CBS ruined How I Met Your Mother with Jim Nantz and Nick Swisher on one episode. What, did they have to balance out the extreme awesomeness of having Rachel Bilson and Amanda Peet on consecutive weeks?

Here is a question I have, too. If CBS is so concerned with family values, why is Nantz being allowed to broadcast the game? He cannot keep his wife happy.

Too soon?

EDGE WINS the Royal Rumble. That, next to Wrestlemania, is my favorite WWF PPV. We will get into the Super Bowl tomorrow as Media Day rolls on.

AND FINALLY ...

The Bears have hired Mike Martz? Wow, that offense should be great outdoors. In Chicago. In the winter. I don't have the stats, but you have to imagine that Martz's offense struggles out in the wind and snow, right? Although, that is a guess.

Oh, and Cutler should buy some health insurance. He is going to get his butt kicked.