Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Airing of Grievances




Welcome to Festivus everybody. As you all know, today is a special holiday. And the highlight of course, the airing of grievances.

And I have a lot of problems with you people, and I am going to let you know about it.

The Gomer-loving media. What do you see in this guy that nobody else can see? Liking Gomer is akin to liking Jay Leno. They appeal to the same demographic, and also are ruthlessly conniving. Gomer, like Leno, would lead his own brother into an on-coming defender just to get ahead. One day Gomer is going to be exposed and I will be there to laugh at you all.

And you all know that Gomer is going to win the MVP this year. It is going to happen.

Frozen Yogurt. How and the (expletive) can this country be in the middle of a recession, yet there is a new dog damn frozen yogurt stand on every block. Is this how we are going to get America working again, by making us even fatter?

When did America vote, you know, we just aren't fat enough? Or were they just anticipating Prop 19 passing and trying to get ahead of the curve?

And don't give me that (expletive) that it's fat free. Bull (expletive). Even if the yogurt is fat free, all of the toppings that you are shoving into that seemingly bottomless container is not. What are you piling on, gummy worms, Snickers bars, Big Macs.

Enough people.

And why is this all self-service? When did America show that we have enough restraint and portion control? They had to outlaw super sized fries to get us to stop eating so much. Now you want to turn me loose in a yogurt shop with a bowl big enough to bathe a baby elephant?

Stop it.

And if I am filling up my own yogurt, putting on my own toppings, why and the (expletive) does that jackass behind the counter have a tip jar out there? (Expletive) him, I'm doing all of the work, I'm taking a dollar.

Boston. You (Richards) have been living off the Revolutionary War for way too long. What has Boston contributed since? Clam chowder and a bunch of chicks who look like Eric Stoltz from Mask.


Announcers who say, "It all depends on the spot."
That one explains itself. No (expletive).

Women's basketball. Tell me, what is the most impressive winning streak in a fake sport, U Conn women's 89 consecutive games or the Undertaker's 18 consecutive wins at Wrestlemania. I will tell you which one I actually care about.

U Conn Geno Auriemma said we only cared because his team beat UCLA's streak. Wrong, nobody cares at all.

Being the winningest women's college basketball team is akin to beating the rookie level computer on Madden. Just who is the competition? I am pretty certain that I could walk on to any women's college basketball team right now and start. Give me four months of solid training and I would be the best player on the court.

Women should have the right to play sports. I feel that most women's sports should receive the same funding as men's (football should not count). But don't tell me that the athletes are equal.

Women, you can bring life into this world. You can pass a bowling ball through a space the size of the cardboard toilet paper holder. That is the most impressive thing that any human being can do. But you are not good basketball players.

LA football developers. Why do we again have two competing bids to build a stadium in Southern California? Nobody wants to go to a stadium downtown. Have you ever driven around LA Live during a Lakers game? Great, now add 50,000 more people. This has to be one of the dumbest ideas that has been thrown out there. Unless they plan to build public transportation (which needs environmental impact reports) and a new stadium (which needs environmental impact reports) without public funds they won't get, it certainly ain't happening.

You are not going to make a viable football franchise by sticking it in the middle of downtown LA. Football is a tailgating sport. Nobody wants to pay $7.50 for a large beer at TGIFridays before going to see the new LA football franchise play.

Why did we drive the O'Malley's out of the bidding back in 2003?

Texting and driving. I would rather be behind a drunk driver than somebody texting and driving at the same time. At least the drunk is giving driving all of his impaired attention. Not to condone drunk driving. Not at all, especially in light of Nick Adenhart's killer getting a life sentence.

But if you text and drive, you are worse than a drunk driver because there is simply no excuse.

And what is so dog damn important that you have to text on the freeway. Unless you are texting to say, warn of a terrorist attack, an upcoming tsunami or nude pictures of Cowgirl, nothing can be that important.

Hungarians. Just because.

People who yell, "Don't spoil it for me."
DVRs have made us very lazy in our television viewing. Nothing is appointment TV anymore. But excuse me, your lazy ass is not going to keep me from talking about the season-finale of Dexter the night after it happens.

You have a number of options here. One, get the (expletive) out of the room. Seems simple enough. Either that or just watch the (expletive) show with the rest of us.

And what's worse. Some jackass was talking about The Pacific the other day. And one of our cubemates pipped up, asking for no spoilers.

To which I replied, we drop nukes on Nagazaki and Hiroshima. Japan gets its revenge by selling us overpriced raw fish and (expletive) cars. The end.

Playboy magazine. I know I have mentioned this recently, but why do you need to recycle Pamela Anderson and that annoying Kendra Baskett? Shouldn't you be camped out at Lindsay Lohan's rehab facility?

And why is it that the girls always look better naturally rather than after the Playboy makeover. Look at PMOY Hope Dworaczyk. She's so beautiful, it almost hurts in normal pictures. But her Playboy photos are nothing special.

Don't question me, do your own research.

Angie Harmon. How long before you cut the charade?

TSA screeners. If you really want to lodge a protest at the people who will be screening you at the airport, I have two words for you. Sweatpants, no underwear. That will teach them.

But I have a bigger complaint for the people who complain about TSA screeners. Do you think that this is a picnic for those people? Do you think that they like fondling your junk? That hard-working SOB just wanted a job a few months ago, and imagine his chagrin when they had a staff meeting to announce the new lap-dance policy that they were enacting?

Ok, TSA workers, here are some things you need to be aware of. Make sure you have your contact information updated, guys be ready to grab another man's package, and smoke only during your designated breaks.

Wait, what was that?

Only smoke during your designated breaks.

No, before that.

Oh yeah, you are now going to have spend your eight hour shift handling more balls than Tiger Woods' caddy. Enjoy.

Here's the thing people, just go through the scanner. Nobody is going to keep a picture of your naughty bits. Those pictures make you look like Kevin Bacon in Hollow Man.

And why are women opposed to these scans? Most of you will throw off your top for some plastic beads, but helping to prevent your plane from blowing up just doesn't seem important enough.

NFL Network. Isn't it about time you settled your beef with Time Warner? Or is the eight years that you have lost this battle not enough? The arrogance. Just go on the sports package already. I'll pay the extra money.

You lost, NFLN, time to move on.

And one other thing, NFL Network, you owe me $43 because I had to go to a bar to watch the Chargers game last week. Thanks for nothing you jerks.

FOX Network. Hey (Richards) nobody likes the (expletive) Giants. Quit showing their games. Unless they all end like last week.

To the jerk who stopped following me on Twitter because of my Pearl Harbor joke. Too soon?

Cleveland Sports Fans. You allowed LeBron James to walk through your city unscathed? What happened to the Cleveland I used to know? You should have at least burned down his house in Akron.

The Heisman Trophy. You allowed Reggie Bush to return his trophy, but had no trouble handing one over to Cam Newton? That makes perfect sense.

In opposite land.

The Houston Texans. Why are you not the Oilers? And why aren't more NFL teams wearing their old, old school uniforms? The new stuff is trash, and I'm scared to think of what Nike is going to do once they start making uniforms. As if Oregon was not ugly enough.

Charlie. Why won't you drink with us on Sunday night? What do you think that you do on Monday morning is so important that you cannot have a few beers with us during the Sunday night football game?

Angels fans. Listen, it sucks that we didn't get Carl Crawford. But if I can still pay $6.75 for a 21 ounce beer and not live in Boston, my team is already champions.

Oh yeah, and (expletive) Boston.

And be sure to check out the AofG blog.

5 comments:

R.J. said...

That is a huge list. I totally forgot about Festivus and now I have to come up with one. Expect lots of Raiders and Leafs stuff in the next twenty-four hours.

THN said...

I think I'm just starting.

The Hatriot said...

TSA is the universally recognized acronym for "Took Something Again." Personally, I feel it's totally reasonable that some high school drop out gets to take pictures of my junk and steal my camera because 10 years ago GWB didn't want to offend Prince Bandar by keeping Clinton's predator drones after OBL.

But this is the season for giving so let me give props for truth-in-advertising. Thank you BMW! Your ad with the spoiled rotten kid bitching about first, the train set then the electric guitar that his parents worked hard to buy him shows Beamer drivers as they are: Self-centered, ungrateful, born on third think they hit a triple pricks. I'm glad you realize it like the rest of us.

BTW, who knew that Rex Ryan was really Rich Kotite with a foot fetish?

Jake Ryan said...

Poor Chuck.... ripped for the 1 time he doesn't drink.

Bain said...

Things that grieved me this year...

1) Getting kicked in the teeth from some jag off motherfucker!

2) The Fat Kid Who Hogs The Hotel Pool.
Look at him, hogging the hotel pool. Let's wait until his mother leaves and then tease him until he cries.

3) Spats
Unless you're in a marching band, pal, you shouldn't be wearing those.

4) Stella Artois
Why is everyone I know drinking this drool? It tastes like goat whizz and rotten grass. Belgians are the sickest brewers in the world, but this is their pruno.

5) Paradise
Once the place to be, now pales in comparison to Super Paradise.

6) Super Paradise
Forget all the hype... it can't hold a candle to Paradise.

7) TJ Rubley
Easily the worst Rams quarterback ever.

8) That Guy Who Buys His Wife A Lexus For Christmas And Puts A Big Bow On It.
As soon as their Christmas lights are off, I'm keying that fucker.