Monday, November 29, 2010

The Post Mortem: Blame Archie

Gomer has his dad to blame for this. If Eli Messiah had just gone to San Diego, the Chargers wouldn’t turn out the Colts like this, year after year. But now, America’s Soccer Mom had to push the issue. Eli went to the Giants and the Chargers continue to punk Gomer every year.

But here is the bright side, Colts fan. Gomer has thrown seven interceptions in his last two games against the Patriots and Chargers. That means that he is in postseason form.

And why is it that the Colts look like the Boston Celtics of the NFL? Flopping and begging for fouls on seemingly every play. The Colts are obviously just following their leader.

Go make a commercial, Gomer. Nobody cares about you anymore.

ALRIGHT LET’S get this out of the way. It made my physically ill that Boise State lost on such an incredible circumstance. That poor kid has to live with that his whole life. The good news, for him, is that Oregon and Auburn will not lose, meaning that Boise State had to chance to get into the title game. But here are a couple of truths.

For starters, you just cannot expect to go undefeated in a tough conference like the WAC. Three teams are in the Top 25 (Boise State, Nevada and Hawaii). The WAC is just too tough.

And second, if the SEC is so tough. If it’s so impossible to make it through the regular season undefeated, how come a team has gone undefeated in the SEC regular season in each of the last three seasons? Just saying.

Here is the horrible reality of college football. Nevada has a huge win in a rivalry game and it loses money, because it kept Boise State out of a BCS bowl game. Oh well, a nice farewell F-You to the WAC, the conference that sued it for moving to the Mountain West.


I get TCU wanting to go to an automatic qualifying conference, but I hope you lose in your bowl game. I wish there was a way for Stanford to jump into the title game if Auburn loses this week.

Monday, November 22, 2010

The Post Mortem: Archie must be proud

Eli Messiah has always followed in his brother’s shadow. Although the gigantism of Eli’s helmet makes him cast the biggest shadow in the NFL. But let’s take a tale of the tape.

Gomer was the first overall selection in the NFL Draft. Eli did him one better by not only being the top selection in the draft, but crying until the Chargers traded him to the Giants.

Gomer took the backdoor to a Super Bowl title, and won an undeserving MVP award that was only given to him by the Manning-loving media. Eli not only matched him with his own Super Bowl win, but he won an even more egregious MVP award after David Tyree made a circus catch to win the game. Asante Samuel could have sealed that game by holding on to Eli’s errant pass in the closing minutes of the Super Bowl. But no, he dropped it. Even if the Patriots had won that game, Eli would have been only the second member of a Super Bowl losing team to win the MVP award.

But Sunday night was the big finale. The final straw that showed that Eli always manages to not only excel in Gomer’s shadow, but exceed it.

Gomer put the Colts on his shoulders again, but threw away a chance to beat the Patriots on the road by throwing an interception to lose the game. The Colts were in field-goal range to win. Gomer was not satisfied with that. He didn’t want to chance Adam Vinatieri blowing the game. Gomer wanted to blow the game and he certainly did.

Eli was even more spectacular in derailing the Giants. Not satisfied with just throwing one interception, he threw two interceptions in the final four minutes. And he made a nice scramble to pick up a first down, then tripped over his own face and fumbled to give the Eagles the game. You would almost believe that Eli was trying to throw the game, but he just does not look smart enough to pull that off.

Seriously, Eli. It might be time to ditch the beanie. You do not look like a smart man.

That was a pretty satisfying conclusion to a pretty good day.

THE RAIDERS came back to Earth. Which was nice. The thought of the Raiders being a decent team again was too much to think of. Of course, the Raiders themselves thought it was too ridiculous, too, as they went out and had that performance against the Steelers.

Although, the Richard Seymour punch to Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger was a nice touch. You know there was a college coed in Georgia cheering that move.

STRANGE DAYS on Saturday. In the middle of the college football season, we had the UNLV hoops win over the Badgers, and the Kings win over the Bruins on the big screen at our local watering hole. Of course, when your other option was USC getting smoked again in Corvalis, then that explains a lot.

BTW, didn’t Oregon State get crushed by Washington State? Nice hire, USC.


Penny Hardaway is thinking of making a comeback. Let’s hope that Lil’ Penny will not be far behind.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

The Weak Ender: She's marrying who?

Let me see if this is correct. Jessica Simpson went from Tony Romo -- the quarterback of the Cowboys -- to some retired tight end who played for the Seahawks or 49ers or something.

That would be like going from Johnny Knoxville to Steve-O. Though, that may have happened.

But what an amazing fall from grace. She still looks good. She's still in movies? But this is a terrible rebound relationship for Jessica. Ben Roethlisberger would have been a better option.

And here is the kicker. She is engaged to the guy, and she bought the engagement ring. That's right, Jessica Simpson bought her own engagement ring.

Dude, that was the only reason why I never went out with her. Because I knew I would never be able to afford a wedding ring for her. I don't have 98 Degrees money. So I thought it would have been a lost cause.

And sure, I'm married, but still. I'm a little upset about this news.

Though, not as upset as having my fantasy kicker get me only zero points on Thursday night. That's a great way to start the fantasy week. I guess that is what I get for having Michael Vick last week.

And yes, I get it. I probably should not be using Vick. Poor Pappagorgio would be rolling in her grave, if her ashes were not on our mantle.

Fantasy football, however, is a business. Honestly, my two quarterbacks are Vick and Roethlisberger. Brett Favre even had a stint on my roster -- the Dog-killing rapists.

I am not proud of it, but if Vick continues to put up these fantasy numbers, I roll through the pound with him. If he needs me to pimp him a pitbull pup, like teenagers standing in front of the 7-11 looking to score some beers, I am all about it.

Let's make it happen.

WHAT ELSE is happening? How do you feel about these Friday night games that Boise State is playing? Chance to shine in front of some actual East Coast critics? Or does it make it look junior varsity?

I tend towards the former, because if you watch Boise State, you can tell it is a talented team. To say otherwise is intellectually dishonest.

Just as it would be dishonest to say that Boise State deserves to go to the national championship game undefeated teams from the Pac-10 and SEC.

And wouldn't you know it, LSU coach Les Miles is already trying to get his one-loss team into the mix. Nice try, douche. The Tigers need a lot of help if they want to reach the BCS title game.

THE RAIDERS and Steelers are renewing one of the bitterest rivalries in NFL history this week. Although Roethlisberger vs. Campbell is not exactly Bradshaw vs. Stabler.

However, the two teams played in one of the most controversial games ever. And if you will allow me, here are the six most memorable plays in NFL history.

6. Music City Miracle

Following the Bills’ kickoff on the game’s final play, Titans WR Kevin Dyson takes a field-wide lateral from TE Frank Wycheck and races 75 yards to lift Tennessee over Buffalo in an AFC Wild Card Game. What made the outcome more delicious was that Bills coach Wade Phillips had benched QB Doug Flutie for the game after Rob Johnson performed well in a meaningless Week 17 contest that was played after their playoff slot had been determined. Phillips was seconds away from being justified for an unjust move. The Football Gods said otherwise.

5. Tyree’s catch in Super Bowl XLII

Talk about your desperation heaves. Giants QB Eli Manning fights through a number of defenders, launches the ball toward a little-known David Tyree, who pins it to his helmet while Patriots safety Rodney Harrison desperately tries to knock it away. This is what happens to Harrison when he tries to play by the rules. The play set up Plaxico Burress‘ winning touchdown reception to end the Patriots’ bid for perfection.

4. The Holy Roller

The Raiders were once known (should that be past tense?) as rule breakers. But Stabler might not have broken the rules when he intentionally fumbled the ball forward against the Chargers, which allowed RB Pete Banaszak to knock it into the end zone so TE Dave Casper could fall on it for a touchdown. A rule was later added making this illegal.

3. Immaculate Reception

This might be hard for you youngsters to believe, but there was a time when the Steelers were a downtrodden franchise and the Raiders were among the NFL’s elite. But when Steelers RB Franco Harris caught a ball that had ricocheted off John “Frenchy” Fuqua‘s hands via the Raiders’ Jack Tatum and raced into the end zone, a dynasty was born.

The only thing that could have made this play more memorable would have been if the referee had buried his head into the replay booth for five minutes, if there were a replay rule at the time, and later emerged to explain that there was no conclusive evidence, and the play would stand.

2. The Hail Mary

The one and only. Cowboys QB Roger Staubach threw a 50-yard touchdown pass to WR Drew Pearson in the closing seconds of a 1975 NFC Divisional playoff game. After the game, Staubach referred to the pass as a “Hail Mary” and the legend was born. Vikings fans still say that Pearson pushed off and call it Holy (expletive).

1. The Tuck Rule

This game had everything you would want: a snow storm, in the playoffs, and the Raiders losing. Patriots QB Tom Brady appeared to have fumbled in the closing minutes to give Oakland the win. But the now-famous NFL Rule 3, Section 21, Article 2, Note 2 said otherwise. Brady went on to lead New England to the win and ultimately a Super Bowl win over St. Louis. Adam Vinatieri‘s winning boot in the Super Bowl deserves an honorable mention here.

Also deserving votes: the Ghost to the Post, the Sea of Hands, and the fight between Rams and Raiders fans during a Week 11 game at Anaheim Stadium in 1994.


The Eagles win over the Redskins was the third-most lopsided score for a home team coming off a bye week.

Monday, November 15, 2010

The Post Mortem: That was an ass kicking

Redskins QB Donovan McNabb started sweating just by watching Eagles QB Michael Vick.

Was McNabb channeling his inner-Bobby Layne by drinking before the game? Perhaps earning his undeserved contract extension?

Former Eagles WR Terrell Owens put it best when he sent out this Tweet:

How do u justify a 78 million dollar contract w/this type of performance?

But not quite sure what Owens was getting at here. McNabb was at least in the game. Not standing on the sidelines burning $100 million like DT Albert Haynesworth.

I wonder what it would be like to spend all of that money on tickets to a Monday night game, wait around for the 9 p.m. tipoff and then before the first quarter even ends, your team is down 28-0? How many people were still tailgating in the parking lot when this game was over.

But here is the most charming story. Not sure if you caught the squabble before the game. But Redskins S LeRon Landry and CB DeAngelo Hall were jawing with Eagles WR DeSean Jackson.

Turns out that they were taunting Jackson because of his concussion problems. Classy. Looks like Jackson was the one delivering the knockout blow, moments into the game.

Now it makes sense why Vick dialed up a long bomb to open the game. Old Andy Reid was sticking it to the idiot Redskins.

I don't believe in karma, but this just might convince me.

NOBODY REALLY looked impressive at the top of the polls in NCAA football. Auburn mailed in its game against Georgia like they were doing the latest edition of the Weak Ender. Oregon was sleep walking. Boise State was doing what it does. And then there was Texas Christian.

Let's be honest, San Diego State has shown it can hang with tough teams on the road. Just ask Missouri. But here is the problem with the current system. The Aztecs were better off looking strong, then ultimately losing like they did. Because the Mountain West Conference could use the infusion of money stemming from a BCS appearance.

And the really sad thing about the BCS is that Pittsburgh is likely in.

BY THE numbers: Gomer had seven fantasy points on Sunday. Vick had 28 in the first quarter.


That 24 hour college basketball marathon is awesome. I am going to plan it better next year so I can spend that day in Las Vegas.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Not cool, Vikings

Forgive me for allowing my inner fantasy geek shine through, but what the hell Brad Childress?

I understand that the NFL is a copycat league. But just because the Browns are having success with Peyton Hillis, that does not mean that every team has to run out and get a white running back.

The Vikings kept spilling Adrian Peterson with Toby Gerhart. Taking away valuable fantasy points. Not move.

Friday, November 12, 2010

The Weak Ender: Cowgirl meets with NFL security

You would think that she could have dressed up for the event, right? But this is a photo of her arriving at an undisclosed location in New York.

And isn't this just like the Cowgirl? Showing up for an event that everybody had forgotten about three weeks ago.

Looks like Brett Favre is going to be getting a day off soon.

Monday, November 08, 2010

Cowboys fire Phillips, hire Garrett

The Dallas Cowboys have fired coach Wade Phillips and replaced him with offensive coordinator Jason Garrett.

Yes, the same Garrett whose schemes nearly got QB Tony Romo killed.

Nice move. This is like firing the drug dealer and then promoting Charlie Sheen to the position.

Sunday, November 07, 2010

The Post Mortem: TCU impresses

Remember when the Cowboys were going to be the first team in NFL history to play the Super Bowl in their home stadium? Yeah, nobody in Dallas is going to be thinking about that.

But at least you have Texas Christian, Dallas fan. There is somebody who is fixing to play for the national title. Well if it gets a chance.

The Horned Frogs are currently No. 3 in the BCS, followed by Boise State. Kind of strange because TCU beat the No. 5 team in the country by, what, 80 points? The Broncos stuffed high-flying Hawaii and ground it to only 7 points. Obviously that was not enough to impress the voters.

Now, even the biggest cockeyed optimist realizes that an undefeated Pac-10 and SEC team is going to advance to the title game. Let's be realistic here. Even I would not be able to argue that.

However, I still firmly believe that Oregon and Auburn will lose a game this season. And when that happens, Boise State and TCU have done enough to earn a place in the championship game.

Now, some will argue that having Boise State and TCU is not a sexy championship game. I guess. But even Dennis Dodd believes the two step sisters deserve a shot at the title. Provided Oregon and Auburn lose.

And I believe it is going to happen. Oregon always finds a way to choke. Auburn is not running the table. But I am not kidding, if LSU gets in over an undefeated team ... well, there is not much that I can do. But goodness gracious, I will root against LSU.

Yeah, take that Tigers.

Other news and notes.

THE RAIDERS are winning again. This is a good thing. The Raiders fans -- even the most myopic -- were starting to roll over and piddle on themselves. Most Raiders fans wouldn't even have the passion to stab a Chargers fan. Now, Chargers fans are advised to wear Kevlar gear for the team's impending matchup in the coming weeks. But having the Raiders decent is a huge boon. That just makes it sweeter when they ultimately fail.

And hey, the guys who put Raiders stickers on the back windows of lowered mini-trucks is back in business. Hooray.

THE COWBOYS are losing. This is cool as long as the Raiders are winning. One of them has to be just good enough to fail in the playoffs again. So we will enjoy the Packers beatdown on Sunday night.

This space is reserved just in case coach Wade Phillips is fired on Monday. This is coming a bit later.

EAGLES QB Mike Vick has gone through the ringer, and really, he does not deserve our sympathy. But he's on my fantasy team -- along with Ben Roethlisberger -- on the Dog Killing Rapists, so I am starting to get a soft spot for him.

And then he beats Gomer. You have to love it.

FORMER BEARS QB Jim McMahon says that football is causing him to lose his memory. No Jim, that's called a blackout from drinking. Sheesh.


I am loving the Browns and RB Peyton Hillis. If for nothing else, Broncos coach Josh McDaniels traded him and a second-round pick for QB Brady Quinn.

Austin Collie's wives stand watch

It was touch-and-go for most of the night, but the wives of Colts WR Austin Collie were relieved that he was going to be alright.

Thursday, November 04, 2010

The Weak Ender: The Redskins are working out who?

No, not her.

We have time for one more Chargers Girl, slutting it up for Halloween. Yeah, just Halloween. But if you would like to see more, go here.

THE REDSKINS openly criticized the conditioning of QB Donovan McNabb, probably best known for throwing up in the Super Bowl. And then they bring in JaMarcus Russell for a workout? Were the Redskins merely trying to make themselves feel better about McNabb.

Like hey look, we don't have the fattest quarterback in the league. It's close, mind you. But he's not the fattest.

THE COWBOYS are circling the drain as one of the worst teams in the NFL, with no realistic shot to compete. But when you team sucks, you have to find a way to entertain yourselves in other ways.

I am saying that it's almost safe for work.

WELL AT least Randy Moss will get a bye week this season.

The Titans have been awarded the enigmatic receiver via waivers. Though, sometimes you should be careful what you ask for — or in this case claim. Adding Moss to your team seems to have the same kind of impact as entering into wedlock with Charlie Sheen. Sure, it grabs headlines, and seems like a good idea. But eventually this is just going to end poorly.

Moss will not put up big, consistent numbers, as those days are apparently long gone. There is a chance Moss could have some value if he buys into what coach Jeff Fisher is selling. The Titans players lobbied for Fisher to claim Moss, so the troubled receiver should arrive in Tennessee with a good attitude. Well, as good as he will have until they roll out the Tennessee barbecue buffet in the locker room.

CRAZY PICK of the week ... I am going with the Lions over the Jets.

IS IT me or are the only people who care about the baseball ratings -- other than the networks -- the Yankees and Red Sox fans. Like a poor rating is validation for their lousy teams not making it to the World Series.

I enjoyed the World Series, and if you did too, great. But let's face it. Baseball is somewhat terrible on television. But if we get more games like the two-hour World Series games we were getting, baseball could get back into this thing.

Of course, FOX realized it missed out on tons of ad revenue that they made because A-Rod's typical at-bats lasted as long as According to Jim, but still, people want to carve out short windows to watch games. Entertaining games that end in under three hours is not a bad way to go.

SEPARATION SATURDAY in the WAC and Mountain West. Well, sorta. Boise State will still have to tackle Nevada eventually. But Hawaii will be tough. And to be honest, I am not sure that I want my Warriors to win. This is why having a tournament without automatic conference qualifiers is lame.

The winner of Utah vs. TCU is going to land in the BCS title game. I just feel it.


If you voted against Prop 19, you are an awful person.

Monday, November 01, 2010

Halloween sluts are also for football fields, too

Well, I am sure we've all had our fair share of "sexy" (fill in the blank) costumes for Halloween. Sexy school girl. Sexy banker. Sexy Ann Coulter. Yeah, we get it. You are allowed to dress like a slut one day out of the year.

Well, let's hear it for the gals who are making a career out of dressing like whores. NFL cheerleaders. He are some of the best photos for the weekend.

The Vikings did what?

Do you suppose that Raiders general managing partner Al Davis was sitting in his silver-and-black adorned office in the Bay Area when news of Randy Moss‘ eminent departure reached him and he thought to himself, “Wow, even I would not make a move that crazy.”

Or course, that is assuming that somebody put the news on a overhead projector in his office. But still, certainly has turned the NFL on its ear on Monday. Suddenly, benching Redskins QB Donovan McNabb for Rex Grossman does not seem so strange. Like Nicolas Cage looking at that Corvette being dragged by the jailbird plane in Con Air and remarking, “On any other day, that might seem strange.”

Congratulations, Vikings. You have surpassed the Cowboys as the league's dumbest franchise. The only way you could cement this title would be to try to bring Moss back after you embarrassed him so.

Epic Fail

I'm not sure why Fox felt obligated to keep showing us the American Presidency's answer to Banjo Kid from Deliverance last night. It was an important reminder, however, that no amount of Saudi Oil money can scrub away the stench of failure that permeates everything Bush. I have no doubt that one day historians while figure out that it was Prescott Bush's business arrangements with Hitler that ultimately doomed the German war machine. So powerful is the Bush mojo that even its refracted force was enough to doom the Plowboys. I haven't seen a group of Texans quit that fast since Appomattox. Which brings up a good point. Maybe it is time to let Texas secede. They aren't very good at baseball or football. Perhaps they could form a new country where screwing up the environment and executing the retarded are the national pastime.