Thursday, September 09, 2010

Super Bowl Buzz Kill: Racial Slurs

Anybody can pick winners. We at The Hater Nation like to predict the losers. And last year, who could match our accuracy? The Hater Nation went 31 for 32 in picking teams that would not win the Super Bowl. If you read through the lines, too, you would have saw that we were secretly picking the Saints to take the whole thing.

So here is the 2010 Super Bowl Buzz Kill. A feature so blah blah blah… butthurt about getting rip-off’d blah blah

You know I love this time of year. The family breaks out the Super Bowl Buzz Kill decorations. Later on we gather around the Super Bowl Buzz Kill tree and sing SBBK carols like “I Saw Three Ships (carrying Jerry Jones’s leftover facial skin)”. That evening we leave an empty chair at the table in case Hank Stram returns… Ah… Who the hell am I kidding?

This sucks. Writing the SBBK for the Racial Slurs is the equivalent of holding your dog so the vet can stick something up her ass. It’s like reviewing a Papa Roach cd. I swear I’m going to have to delete my browsing history so no one finds the Washington stuff. I’d be less embarrassed to have my wife walk in on me rubbing one out to a picture of Jane Skinner.

Here’s the thing: You’re probably not a Slurs fan. If you are, you are probably an overweight middle-aged white guy who really just likes the opportunity to dress up in women’s clothes eight times a year even if you have to mix in a plastic pig nose as your Katie Holmes. Furries think you people had messed up childhoods. In short, you’re not going to be of much help here, SlursFan, so let’s replace you with somebody who didn’t have an “awakening” when they stumbled upon their mom’s underwear drawer. Me, for instance:

Me: So, it seems to me the Plowboys, Eggles and Gints all have more questions than answers. With a QB who knows the opposition so well, isn’t Shanahan poised to make a run at the division?

T.H.: No. Unless by “make a run” you mean “win a couple of feel good games at home but still finish two and four against the division.” Beyond that, you’ve got the Colts, Packers, Vikings and Texans all coming to town. Oh look! We’re already at eight losses.

Me: OK. What do they need to do?

T.H.: Well, I’m tempted to point out that McNabb and Moss have a better chance of landing a Just For Men contract than winning a game that matters, but I think the O-line is the problem. With Grampy McPanicthrow lining up under center, the line won’t have time to play into shape. If he gets hurt, and he will, you get… what? Rex Grossman? Really?

Me: So they need help on the O-line. Where are the Slurs going to find a human shield for an aging, underachieving drama-queen?

T.H.: They could draft Trig Palin.

That about wraps it up, SlursFan. At least you still have the inevitable flame out, benching, suicide-by-twinkie-attempt, and eventual exile to Manitoba or Oakland of one Albert Haynesworth to look forward to. See you here next year, okay. Wear something pretty for me.


R.J. said...

Dear Lord, I do not want Haynesworth on the Raiders. I bet he'd be a great fit in Cincinnati, though.

WCT said...

those are the ugliest "Weak Ender" chicks ever.

Sarah Palin said...

Trig is retarded you fucking assholes.

K Tap said...

Yup. Both.

Bokolis said...

A lot of venom for an irrelevant squad. Not on the Raiders' level.

Diane said...

I always forget. Is the goal to finish SBBK before the season starts, or before the Winter Solstice?

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