Wednesday, August 04, 2010

Super Bowl Buzz Kill: Green Bay Packers

Anybody can pick winners. We at The Hater Nation like to predict the losers. And last year, who could match our accuracy? The Hater Nation went 31 for 32 in picking teams that would not win the Super Bowl. If you read through the lines, too, you would have saw that we were secretly picking the Saints to take the whole thing.

So here is the 2010 Super Bowl Buzz Kill. A feature so awesome, those (expletives) at Deadspin have blatantly ripped it off. Turns out the schmucks at the Bleacher Report did, too. Always imitated, never duplicated.

Why your team won't win the Super Bowl: Green Bay Packers

By Bucky

Apparently there’s a new Broadway show opening this fall called “Lombardi.” It stars Dan Lauria (the dad from “The Wonder Years”) in the title role, and is based on David Maraniss’ book “When Pride Still Mattered.” Why do I mention this? My wife was online the other day seeing what it would take to go see the show this fall. They go for $125 on up. Now, I don’t know much about Broadway prices and how this compares to other shows, but I do know I can get tickets to see the real Packers for less when they come to Foxboro this fall.

Or I could go hang out at Cruisin’ Chubbies in Wisconsin Dells, where (allegedly) Packers’ safety Brandon Underwood picked up two “professional” women while hanging out with his teammates earlier this summer. After Underwood brought them back to a rental cabin in Lake Delton to party with the teammates, they claimed they were sexually assaulted. Underwood appears to have dodged these accusations, as it turns out that the women were actually trying to rob him; however, he may still face solicitation charges.

Or perhaps I need to hang in the ‘hood in Houston , where Packer DE Johnny Jolly (pictured) was popped in Houston some time ago for sipping on purple. Purple Drank- also called sizzurp, purple jelly, Texas Tea, and the Flaming Moe- is a concoction of cough syrup with codeine, 7-Up, and a Jolly Rancher candy. Seriously. JaMarcus Russell has nothing on the Jolly Rancher. His trial had been rescheduled about five times in the last three months, but on August 3 he copped a plea that would keep him out of the joint and into a diversion program. Unfortunately for him and the Packers, he has also been suspended by Opie for the 2010 season;

But enough extracurriculars. We are entering Year 3 of the Aaron Rodgers Experiment. The results are largely positive- ARod is getting a lot of love from all quarters, including from our host- but there’s one problem: he has yet to win a postseason football game. As we saw in the Packers’ last game last year, the offensive line has a lot of problems keeping defenders out of the backfield, and Rodgers has a tendency to hang onto the ball too long. The addition of Brian Bulaga is designed to help the former problem, but only Rodgers can fix the latter. Of course, it does help to have weapons such as Greg Jennings, Donald Driver, and up and coming star Jermichael Finely.

On the other side of the ball, the Packers do have the defensive player of the year in Charles Heism- err, Woodson. But even with Woodson and Al Harris (on the PUP list until he fully recovers from an ACL tear), this secondary got carved up by experienced QBs such as the Kurt Warner Machine and Old Man Judas. One solution is more pressure on the QB; Clay Matthews stepped up last year, but A.J. Hawk played softer than Brady Quinn’s sister.

Despite these problems, expectations are high in Green Bay this season, but beware this Kiss of Death: Peter King has predicted the Packers to face the Chargers in the Super Bowl this season.


Diane said...

Seriously, you can get codeine cough syrup pre-flavored from the pharmacy. My cold that lead to a prescription for pina colada flavored cough syrup still stands as my favorite all time illness,

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