Monday, August 02, 2010

Super Bowl Buzz Kill: Cincinnati Bengals

Anybody can pick winners. We at The Hater Nation like to predict the losers. And last year, who could match our accuracy? The Hater Nation went 31 for 32 in picking teams that would not win the Super Bowl. If you read through the lines, too, you would have saw that we were secretly picking the Saints to take the whole thing.

So here is the 2010 Super Bowl Buzz Kill. A feature so awesome, those (expletives) at Deadspin have blatantly ripped it off. Turns out the schmucks at the Bleacher Report did, too. Always imitated, never duplicated.

Why your team won't win the Super Bowl: Cincinnati Bengals

I had an interesting conversation about what type of fantasy football team Jesus would construct. Would he pick all-stars and guys he knew who could get the job done? My mother-in-law suggested that Jesus would take everybody, but especially the wayward prodigal sons who may have lost their way.

So in other words, he would be the Bengals.

The Bengals have been harboring some of the more colorful characters in recent years and that was before they got into the Pacman Jones and Terrell Owens business.

But do not lump me into the camp who believes that the Bengals are going to implode with all of the combustible personalities on the field. Because hidden in all of the baggage is the fact that most of these guys can play.

Owens may not be the T.O. of five years ago, but he is enough to get Carson Palmer back to what he was. When you are the third-option in a group that includes 85 and Antonio Bryant, that is pretty good.

Not that it will stop the less informed from making the lame, tired jokes about Owens' attitude. Say what you will about Owens, but do not expect to read a story about him jumping out of the back of his girlfriend's pickup truck.

Partly because he probably does not swing that way, and partly because he has done the suicide thing only to fail in the same vein as his quest for a Super Bowl has failed.

Owens will be on his best behavior in Cincinnati. He wants one last chance to play for a title before he starts pumping out B-movies.

His partner 85 has predicted it. And in some ways I am inclined to believe him. The offense should be on fire. The defense is in pretty good hands with Mike Zimmer calling the shots. Some believe that he will eventually be the head coach.

But where does the leadership come from? Ochocinco is a clown. He is talented, works hard and is driven. Nobody can take him seriously. Owens is only in it for himself and his work ethic does not spread to his teammates.

So it comes down to Palmer, who has never shown much as a fiery leader that this team desperately needs. Palmer has tried to call out 85 for missing workouts to be on reality TV. But 85's actions usurps any authority that Palmer could possibly have. This team needs a take-charge kind of guy, and I do not believe that he is there.

Just yet.

Bottom line: The Bengals should be one of the more entertaining teams to watch. They certainly should score enough points. The defense is good under Zimmer's blitz schemes, but the pass rush is still lacking. This team needs a lot of help in terms of leadership. Asking for the cosmos to align for this team is a big request. The Bengals look like they have enough fire and conviction to ruffle the feathers of a laced-up team like the Colts.

Yet they seem undisciplined to lose to a team like the Browns.

This is a fun team, but I am not going to take them quite seriously just yet.


Bokolis said...

This is ocho twinko's year.

Maoke Trubesman said...

I've placed a spell on Deadspin. No longer will females find their syrups sufficient.

World Ethnic Minority said...

They are on the "persona non grata" list at Paradise. At Super Paradise they will not even be allowed to press their face up against the window. I have seen to it.

Diane said...

So what's the inside scoop on Cowgirl's claim that Favre sexually harassed her/came on to her? Two publicity whores screaming for more attention?

Picole Train said...

The report is wrong. Favre wasn't wearing Crocs. He was wearing a pair of spats!

My word is "pechmedu," which is Creole for "looky muh ding-a-ling."

Rikishi said...

My grandmother's dead you assholes!

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