Thursday, August 12, 2010

Super Bowl Buzz Kill: Chicago Bears

Anybody can pick winners. We at The Hater Nation like to predict the losers. And last year, who could match our accuracy? The Hater Nation went 31 for 32 in picking teams that would not win the Super Bowl. If you read through the lines, too, you would have saw that we were secretly picking the Saints to take the whole thing.

So here is the 2010 Super Bowl Buzz Kill. A feature so awesome, those (expletives) at Deadspin have blatantly ripped it off. Turns out the schmucks at the Bleacher Report did, too. Always imitated, never duplicated.

Why your team won't win the Super Bowl: Chicago Bears

By Bucky

Last year at this time Bears’ fans were talking about Jay Cutler being the missing piece of the puzzle that would lead them back to the Super Bowl. No more Rex Grossman, Cade McNown, or Peter Tom Willis -- the Bears finally had a franchise quarterback that could hang with the rest of the league. Right?

Then it came time to actually play. Cutler opened with a 1-TD, 4-int performance at Green Bay , and didn’t look back, posting 26 picks and a 76.8% passer rating. Fans who thought they were getting the Bears’ version of Brett Favre were right-only it was the 2006 version of Favre, not the 2007 version. Crappy quarterbacks are ubiquitous in Chicago as the Polish dog, but Cutler puts the mustard and kraut on it. But what else are the Bears gonna do at that position? Cutler may have been called a [cat] by teammate Brian Urlacher, but when your alternatives are Mike Teel, Dan LeFevour, Caleb Hanie and Bret Basanez, you pretty much need to stock up on the Feline Pine.

While this may be the last stand for Jay Cutler, it is clearly the last stand for Lovie Smith and Jerry Angelo. And they are going all in. The Bears have brought in Julius Peppers, Chester Taylor, and Mike Martz in their attempt to salvage Angelo and Lovie’s careers. Ideally, Peppers will make the Bears’ pass rush fierce again, and with 25 sacks the past two seasons, he may in fact do that. But last season opposing QBs had a 92.3 passer rating against this defense, and the Bears have brought nobody in to help their secondary. They’ve got a guy named Alfalfa playing safety, for crying out loud. The Bears still have Gruppenführer Urlacher, of course, but what has he done lately, besides picking a fight with Gayle Sayers?

Chester Taylor was a nice pickup, but now instead of sitting behind Butterfingers Peterson, he’s sitting behind Matt Forte, who seems to have a big day only when playing the Lions. Mike Martz? Yes, he is the genius behind The Greatest Show on Turf. But that offense featured the Kurt Warner Machine, Isaac Bruce, Torry Holt, Marshall Faulk, Az Hakim. . . You get the picture. Those Rams’ teams were loaded with offensive talent. The Bears’ offense is loaded with Earl Bennett and Johnny Knox. No, not the clown from Jackass, the WR from Vanderbilt. The Show also had one of the best offensive lines around to give Warner plenty of time to find Bruce and Holt on their sluggo routes. The Bears’ Oline put Cutler on his back 35 times, a number only Aaron Rodgers would envy. Bringing Isaac Bruce back to help coach the WRs is only going to highlight the differences between then and now.


Anonymous said...

Johnny Knox went to Abilene Christian. Earl Bennett went to Vanderbilt. Idiot.

buckyor said...

I stand corrected by an anonymous genuis.

Berto $ said...

its spelled genIUs, idiot.

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