A famous coach once described soccer the following way: “The ball is round, the match lasts 90 minutes, and the Germans always win. And then they will invade your country AND CRUSH YOU!”
OK, I made the last part of that quote up, but you know it’s true. What? Hey in case you’re counting scores we’ve only lost 2 wars, including ZERO in the last 50 years, while you Yanks are 1 for your last 4. Your reputation has tuned into a joke faster than the Raiders’ “Commitment to Excellence” banner.
Anyway, the dope that owns this site wanted me to write another daily World Cup blog for this site, but my lederhosen are still in a bunch seeing as I haven’t been paid for my 2006 work. So screw that.
So instead I’ve ripped off the Super Bowl Buzz Kill idea that every other NFL site ripped off from THN last season. Except I’m making all my entries short and completely lacking analysis, so that this site’s boss can still have the room to bitch about the NBA refs.
Why Your Team Won’t Win the World Cup, Group A
South Africa: Your team is terrible and your fans’ crappy horns will make the mute button the most used item on remote controls across the globe the next month.
Let’s just say that Matt Damon and Morgan Freeman won’t be filming a movie about this lousy team. 3 and out.
Mexico: Losing to the US at any point in the past 2 years disqualifies you as a contender. You lost 2-0 to the US in a qualifier, although a 5-0 beat down in the Gold Cup last summer redeemed things a little.
At least your fans will feel at home in South Africa’s violent slums.
Uruguay: Cool uniforms, lousy team. 3 and out. Nice headband, Forlan.
France: The cheese eating surrender monkeys will never win a Cup outside their smelly home country which we could take over again in a week if we wanted to. You heard me, Frenchies, WE WILL CRUSH YOU.
Also, too many Arsenal players accustomed to falling short are on this team, so no hope for them.
Why Your Team Won’t Win the World Cup, Group B
South Korea: One good rule of thumb - if your country cares more about short track speed skating than soccer, chances are you aren’t going to win the Big One. Sorry dog-eaters, crooked refs can’t save you this tourney like they did in 2002. 3 and out.
Greece: Thanks for screwing up the world economy last month, jerks. Karma is a bitch.
Argentina: Soccer’s version of Isaiah Thomas ‘coaches’ this team. Always fun to watch a car crash in slow motion. Anything beyond the semi-finals isn’t going to happen without Cambiaso on the team.
Nigeria: If Lil Dieter can’t name 3 players on your team, your team isn’t going to win it all. I can name 2 players from Nigeria.
Why Your Team Won’t Win the World Cup, Group C
England: First off, Tiger Woods laughs at your former captain John Terry’s lame attempt at having affairs. That’s really the best your country can do? (If you are wonder who that broad is in the photo, look no further.)
Secondly, in 2002, after predictably losing to Brazil in the quarterfinals, I heard an English fan lament the loss, saying that “was the best team his country ever had.” My response was “any team with Emile Heskey on the field in a do-or-die match it is not your country’s best team.”
Eight years later, and that donkey Heskey is still on your team! Unbelievable. Have fun losing in the round of 16!
USA: Your best central defender hasn’t played a full game in 9 months, your best hope for having a strong central midfield (Maurice Edu) likely won’t see the field because he plays the same position as the coach’s son, and you fastest attacker nearly died last year and isn’t on the team. And Jonathan Borenstein is on the roster. Good luck with that.
Algeria: If Lil Dieter can’t name 3 players on your team, your team isn’t going to win it all. I can’t name one Algerian.
Slovenia: Is this really a country? Has anyone checked a map to confirm this?
Why Your Team Won’t Win the World Cup, Group D
Serbia: I think this team might be good enough to reach the final 8. Or maybe that’s Slovenia. I can’t be bothered to figure out the difference between the two countries.
Ghana: Michael Essien is one of the world’s best players. Too bad he’s hurt. 3 and out.
Germany WILL CRUSH YOU AND ALL THAT STAND BEFORE IT.
Other than hiring Tony Fundee as a goalkeeper coach last November, the German team has been a machine the past 2 years. Losing overrated prima donna Ballack last month will improve their camaraderie and only makes them stronger.
Australia: Losing to the US at any point in the past 2 years disqualifies you as a contender. Australia lost to the US 3-1 last week.
Why Your Team Won’t Win the World Cup, Group E
Netherlands: I don’t want to say the Dutch are sissies, but Robin Van Persie just tweaked a hamstring reading this line. Fun team to watch except for that greasy-haired jerk Dirk Kuyt, but good luck getting him, Van Persie, Robben and Snyder past the round of 8 without an ambulance driving onto the pitch.
Denmark: I don’t think Nicklas “pants on the ground” Bendtner and Ben Roethlisberger should ever be allowed to party together.
Japan: A predict a sneak attack against Cameroon on June 14, a strong early campaign, followed by an epic beat down at the hands of a superpower later in the tournament. What?
Cameroon: If Lil Dieter can’t name 3 players on your team, your team isn’t going to win it all. I can name one player from Cameroon.
Why Your Team Won’t Win the World Cup, Group F
Italy: Jesus, is this preview over yet? Anyway, if any team is going to repeat as champs anytime soon, it won’t be Italy. Creating, diving d-bags. The only reason Italy’s Inter Milan won everything on the club level this year is because genius coach Jose Mourinho wisely opted to play anyone other than Italians.
Paraguay: Striker Salvador Cabanas was shot in the head by an angry fan in January. As Andres Escobar can attest, South American fans used to wait until their team crashed out of the World Cup before they’d get shot. A sign of the times, I guess.
New Zealand: Who invited these no-talent clowns to the world’s best tournament? Go back home and eat some ice cream.
Slovakia: Seriously, you want me to differentiate between Slovakia, Serbia and Slovenia? C’mon. Not going to happen. Although Goodell’s more likely to put a new NFL franchise at one of those places before he gives L.A. a team.
Why Your Team Won’t Win the World Cup, Group G
Ivory Coast: Chelsea striker Didier Drogba appeared to be in a lot of pain last week when he broke his arm in a match, yet no one on the field appeared overly concerned at the time. That’ll happen when you’ve spent the past 5 years faking injuries over and over again. Karma’s a bitch, Didier.
Portugal: THN’s newest nickname: Cristiano Manning
Brazil: Even though they won 3-2, Brazil came close enough to losing to US in the Confederations Cup last year to not be considered a genuine contender.
North Korea: The first night game this country plays in will also be the first time their backwards-ass country’ s players will have seen the light bulb in use. 3 and gone.
Why Your Team Won’t Win the World Cup, Group H
Honduras: Losing to the US at any point in the past 2 years disqualifies you as a contender. Honduras must’ve lost to the US five times in the past two years. Maybe the worst team in the tournament.
Chile: My god, this preview is longer and more painful than watching a WPS match. I can’t name anyone on this team, but they might be a surprise quarterfinalist.
Spain: The world’s “best” team lost 2-0 to the US last year. You’re no better than Honduras, Spain. And your midfielders are midgets who will break down at the hands off a stronger team later in the tourney. It is likely that Germany will be the ones TO CRUSH YOU.
Switzerland: Why hasn’t your country been annexed yet by my country? We will CRUSH YOU.