Sunday, June 27, 2010

The Post Mortem: Jack Sucks and Life Without Soccer



The thought of Jack rooting for the Yankees has never sat right with me. I do not expect him to root for the Angels, but he should at least pull for the Dodgers. I mean, I have never seen him at a football game, but I have to imagine that he roots for the Dallas Cowboys, too.

How can you be LA's No. 1 celebrity fan, and root for the dreaded Yankees. I mean, I caught myself pulling for the Dodgers yesterday. Or maybe it was for Dodgers fan to shank a one of the d-bag Yankees fans, but still.

Somebody should hit Jack with a halibut and kick him out of his courtside seats at Lakers games. Honestly, this guy does not even wear Lakers gear, but he is at Dodger Stadium -- in the middle of Los Angeles -- supporting the Yankees?

That would be akin to seeing Spike Lee show up to a Padres game in full-on San Diego gear.

Sorry to say this, but Jack kind of sucks. And you are an over actor, too, Jack. You haven't made a good movie since 1996 (Mars Attacks) and Heath Ledger lapped you as the Joker in the newer versions of the Dark Knight.

At least Ledger has the common decency to kill himself before he was seen in public with Lara Flynn Boyle.

Dennis Hopper and Peter Fonda carried you in Easy Rider, too. And for the record, Hopper was better in his Nike commercials that you could have ever hoped to be. In fact, think of any role that Jack has ever played in his life, and realize that Hopper would have dominated that role to a great degree.

Jack, you gravy-trained that one good role into playing the same character over, and over again. Oh no, here's crazy Jack in a mental institution. Here's crazy Jack in a snowed-in cottage. Here's crazy Jack in the Marines.

We get it.

Not to say that you are one-dimensional, but Bruce Willis thinks you need to find more range. At some point, Christian Slater has to think to himself, why couldn't I get tea-bagged by Hopper to have the career that he did. I mean, Christian Slater can raise his eyebrows and play the same character over, and over again.

So here's what you should do Jack. Wear your G-D Yankees hat to Knicks games next year. We don't want you here any more.

ANGELS 3B Brandon Wood hit a grand slam on Sunday afternoon, many hoping that this will be the spark that turns around his season. I am more confident on soccer becoming a major sport in America.

CAN ANYBODY explain how Dustin PEDroida continues to hit so many home runs?

CUBS PITCHER Carlos Zambrano acts like that (likely former) buddy of yours that liked to go to bars, get tanked and start fighting. Except he's completely sober. I am not sure which is worse.

AND FINALLY ...

The sentiment of ignoring soccer for another four years has been popular on the various social networks following the United States being eliminated from the World Cup competition.

But why is that such a bad thing?

Honestly, I look forward to Team USA swimming when the summer Olympics roll around, but I cannot be bothered to follow swimming at any other time. If Michael Phelps was not out there smoking weed and eating 15,000 calories worth of Subway sandwiches every day, I would have no connection to the sport.

Yet, swimming enthusiasts spare us with the notion that swimming is going to be the next big thing. Trust me, it's not.

But soccer enthusiasts always get bent out of shape because of our mild interest in soccer. Why? I like soccer. I am just not going to spend a lot of time watching it when the World Cup is over. And now, the World Cup is over, seeing that the Americans have lost.

Not only that, our 51st state (England) and 52nd state (Mexico) also have been eliminated, too. And honestly, I have not seen Germany bomb England so bad since the Krauts were goose stepping through the Arc de Triomphe.

But thank you soccer, you were fun while you lasted. I enjoyed it. I will likely watch if the Galaxy make the playoffs again. And the Champions League is cool. But come on, the sport is not about to take over.

And why are people saying they are proud of the effort of the American team? This team kept falling behind and then having to dig themselves out of a hole. The U.S. team showed that they had the guns to beat just about anybody (well, maybe not Germany), and should have advanced much, much further.

From a competitive standpoint, I am disappointed with the way that the team finished.

5 comments:

DAWUSS said...

Well, on Thursday, it's football season again. The CFL kicks off.

My Germans are still in the World Cup title hunt as well, so life in sports is very good for me right now.

R.J. said...

Totally agree with you on Yankee Jack. I hope someone kicks the back of his chair at the next Lakers game. He deserves it for wearing that dreaded Yankees cap.

Bokolis said...

As a junkie since the 80's, Bokolis is a snob about it...I stopped wearing jerseys- mainly because, at some point, it got so that dudes thought they could just come up and kick it...WTF?!- before wearing them became popular (in the US). I was happy enough with decent coverage of the UCL and am all to happy to shoo away the casual fan.

Let the freddyfatfcuk, buffalo wing-eating set go back to watching and playing gridiron football. Nothing ruins a footie match quite like some schmuck repeatedly storming up the field like he's fighting for yardage, only to piss away possession.

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