Thursday, April 01, 2010

The Weak Ender: Is Laziness A Condition?

How many more made up diseases and syndromes can society take before we say enough. There is no sex addiction as Jesse James and Tiger Woods exert. It’s called being a man.

Most of us temper this by taking long showers in the morning. And if you still feel compelled to go out for a sausage biscuit and hash browns afterwards, knock yourself out.

And really, what part of sex addiction leads you to think face-tattooed broads are desirable? What part of this made up disease leads to the desire to don Nazi garb and take pictures mimicking the “Sieg Heil?”

Because I don’t have that part of the disease.

And I am against some other made-up diseases, too.

Restless leg syndrome? That’s a leg cramp, eat a banana.

And what about Aspergers syndrome? What are the basic symptoms of that? Lack of empathy. Poor posture. And a lack of eye contact. Congratulations, you are not sick. You are an a-hole. Or a teenager.

There is no syndrome. Maybe your parents did not go to your Little League games, or maybe you were the last picked for kickball. But you are not sick. Just socially awkward.

Any other fake diseases and syndromes that I am missing here?

(And if you need a smutty photo, drop down to the Elam story.)

CONGRATULATIONS TO the Eagles who have made me long for more Brett Favre news. Because the Donovan McNabb speculation has gone out of control. Especially when TMZ is reporting that McNabb does not want to go to Oakland.

Thanks TMZ, way to go for the scoop. McNabb does not want to play for the worst franchise in the NFL. Way to go out on a limb there. (And notice that TMZ's sources says that McNabb will veto a trade. Wrong, that's baseball jerks.)

The Eagles need to finally bring some closure to this whole mess. The relationship with McNabb seems to be fractured to the point where he cannot return in good conscious. Oakland might not start to look too bad if the Eagles keep jerking him around like this.

The Eagles do need to move forward. You can only lose in the playoffs so many times before making a huge move is necessary. The Eagles are in a similar spot as the Angels. You are good enough to get in the playoffs, but the current cast is not going to win the title.

The Eagles will never win a Super Bowl with McNabb. Sure, it seems wrong to say 'never' when both Manning idiots have Super Bowl rings. Let's just say that it looks highly unlikely at this point. And if the defense continues to slip in the wake of Jim Johnson's passing, the Eagles could be on a serious down cycle. Even though they always manage to be there.

NEW JETS RB LaDainian Tomlinson told reporters this week that the Chargers made a number of baffling moves that led to his downfall. The Chargers released Lorenzo Neal and replaced him with that white guy from LSU. The offensive line was in tatters -- especially with injuries to C Nick Hardwick. And the team became pass-first.

Not a lot to argue with there. The Jets have one of the best offensive lines in the league so we will get a chance to see just how far Tomlinson has fallen. The more I think about, the more a Curtis Martin-like rebound seems to be possible. I am not quiet ready to hand over the ball to Shonne Green because of his fresh legs in the playoffs.

DID ANYBODY notice the top stories on NFL.com over the last couple of days? Joey Porter was arrested in Bakersfield, Calif. The Ben Roethlisberger case is set to finally be delivered to the DA. Shaun Rodgers brought a loaded gun to the airport. Donte’ Stallworth talked about killing a person.

This should be the biggest argument for having an 18-game season. These guys have too much time off in the preseason. Or at least get these guys to play in the Arena League or something. Idle hands, and all of that.

AND FINALLY ...

The Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels retired from the WWF this week, in the most touching tribute for a retiring athlete from a fake sport since Michael Jordan retired from the NBA.

I am a big HBK guy. Hulk Hogan was the perfect wrestler to watch as a youngster, but HBK came around perfectly when I transformed from elementary school kid, to cock junior-high a-hole.

Michaels was simply the best worker ever. And if there were who were equal (like Bret Hart), the mostly lacked in charisma.

So I will miss Michaels and, as weird as it seems because we are talking about professional wrestling,HBK probably wrestled his last match.

8 comments:

Bain said...

Any day now they'll be saying there's a disease that causes men to dance around in their bedrooms to "Catch Me I'm Falling" by Real Life while drinking malternatives and texting David Sterry.

Diane said...

You had me point for point until the Shawn Michaels tribute.

The Hutaree said...

You had us at Shawn Michaels.

THN said...

At least I waited until the end.

WCT said...

Yeesh. I've said "worst Weak Ender chick ever!" before, but this time you have really outdone yourself. Bring back Erin Andrews if you're out of ideas.

R.J. said...

I can't wait to see McNabb in a Raiders uniform. With their offensive line that means I better watch during the first four weeks before he's in street clothes with a cast on one of his limbs.

I want to know what kind of disease that annoying man in the Staples commercial has.

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I want to know what kind of disease that annoying man in the Staples commercial has.
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