Thursday, March 11, 2010

The Weak Ender: THN's Dating Service

Athletes, as a rule, are pretty dumb. And we are not talking about Tim Tebow scoring a 22 on the Wonderlic test (which translates to a 104 IQ, not bad for somebody who graduated from what DJ Gallo called the Tebow Prep School).

But just look at the news over the past week. Ben Roethlisberger raped a chick. Jonny Loquasto talked about all of the professional athletes siring kids out of wedlock in his hilarious THN debut. And it got me thinking, we need some sort of NFL escort service to keep these numb skulls out of trouble.

Why are NFL players dating townies and other broads which can only lead to trouble? These women obviously want something from these guys, so why bother with the general population. Your best chance is to marry your high school sweetheart while you are still at some curtain-jerking MAC school. Or better yet, go for a celebrity.

Tony Romo, for all of his bad decisions on the field, was pretty smart to go after Jessica Simpson. She obviously did not want a baby, because it would derail her career as a hot, sexy starlet. And if he did, Simpson likely makes more money than him anyway.

Jason Sehorn obviously married up when he went with Angie Harmon. (Which still burns me.)

So if Roethlisberger likes these college-age chicks, how about a little hottie like Emma Stone?

The Hater Nation could make a pretty good sum of money, hooking up athletes with actresses on a dating Web site. And that does not even factor in all of the gay football players who could find an easy beard.

Why am I giving away this idea for free in The Weak Ender? Hopefully Lenny Dykstra does not try to steal this.

THERE WAS a big pillow fight between former ESPN employee Keith Olbermann and the Sports Dork, Bill Simpson. The Sports Dork made some sort of ill-advised remark about Tiger Woods' potential comeback, ignorantly saying it would be tougher than what Ali went through after he skipped the Vietnam War.

But if Olbermann made a comment every time that the Dork said something, he would not have enough time to do his own show. And in this war of words, Olbermann clearly outclassed Simpson, who showed that he was illequipped to engage in any sort of meaningful discussion that involved any sort of original thought outside of regurgitating Karate Kid quotes.

The Sports Dork has always been shown to be somewhat of a buffoon, who rarely writes while thinking and whose social commentary has been retarded by excessive 90210 rerun viewings.

This obviously will do nothing to stall Simpson's popularity with the morons who read his ESPN columns and download his podcasts, but it was nice to see him eviscerated by somebody who carries some media clout and credibility. So while I do not always agree with Olbermann, I found myself cheering him on this week.

THE BROWNS quarterback situation is so bad, Seneca Wallace and Jake Delhommme seem like viable solutions. At least while Brady Quinn is watching his NFL career vanish, he can do it without all of the glare of the cameras that caught his embarrassment during the NFL Draft.

And who would have thought that Quinn's draft tumble would end up being the highlight of his career. I hope he saved his money wisely.

THERE IS a market for RB LaDainian Tomlinson after all. LT could be playing in Minnesota, where he left negotiations with a Vikings jersey. Now, I love LT, I know that he has fallen out of favor with causal NFL fans for some reason. That means the Vikings could end up being the most hated team in the NFL. Although they already were if you were a fan of the Los Angeles Rams in the 1970s.

But it seems fitting if Tomlinson signs with the Jets, the team that ruined one of th Chargers' best chances to reach the Super Bowl.

THE BENGALS made the right football move by going with WR Antonio Bryant. But he deprived us of having Terrell Owens and Chad Ochocinco on the same team. And that kind of sucks.

But there are reports that T.O. could be heading to the Raiders, and we as a football society deserve this. We really do. But the Raiders are hemorrhaging money, so do not expect this to happen. Watch, Owens will end up playing for damn near free in Jacksonville.

WHY IS Torii Hunter being given so much grief for his comments about Latin players? Seriously, you are not going to run him off, or paint him as some racist. He was correct, African Americans are more drawn towards basketball and football. Latin players play for less money. Who does not see this? Try to find a controversy someplace else.


Cal State Fullerton's Gerard Anderson makes some Northridge player look French. Seems fitting that a player from the Valley is getting a chance to jump start his porn career.


Jeff Garcia said...

There are no gay football players.

WCT said...

FINALLY you stop mailing it in and produce a post that is worth printing out and reading while dropping a deuce. Well done sir.

And who the shit is Emma Stone?

THN said...

Thank you. And how can you print out that Anderson dunk? Because that was awesome.

THN said...

BTW, Emma Stone ... Super Bad and Zombieland. Check both of those movies out.

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