Wednesday, March 10, 2010

At Least Big Ben Did Not Knock Her Up

Hey, since I am mailing it in, how about a guest column? I am not sure if this young man wants to go on the record with his name, so we will call him, hell, we do not know what to call him. Back in the day we would have come up with a break good name. For right now, we will call him the Heartbreak Kid. (Actually, he is using his real name, joining Conrad Bain as the only guys on this site who go by their real names. Awesome.

By the Jonny Loquasto

This past week, the New York Jets strengthened their already powerful defense by trading for Chargers cornerback Antonio Cromartie. The real story is how they the Jets then fronted him $500,000 so he could pay child support for his seven kids by six different women in five different states. Clearly, he kept himself busy during road trips. I get it dude, you travel to alot of different cities. Next time, pick up a shot glass & a t-shirt on your way out instead of making a baby you're never gonna see.

Now his story is just one in a long line of professional athletes who are having enough kids to fill up every position on a baseball field. Former Running back Travis Henry-nine kids by nine women. That's the worst case of ADD I've ever seen. Now I completely understand why you were arrested two years ago for drug trafficking, you had to pay for all the "baby on board" stickers for the windowns of your AstroVan.

Evander " The Real Deal" Holyfield-nine illiigitimate kids & a wife who just accused him of assault. Right now he wishes that his biggest problem was Mike Tyson biting his ear off.

But my favorite fertile athlete of all time: Shawn Kemp. When he faded away from the NBA amid drug & alcohol problems, he was at seven kids by five women. It's now rumored that he's up to 11 kids by nine women. And I always wondered why his nickname was the Reign Man.

Bottom line is, something has to be done. These guys aren't taking responsibility, so it's time for drastic measures. We need to make a 3 strikes rule. Once you spawn your third illigitimate child, you get a league mandated vasectomy. Ya think it's harsh athletes, then stop dropping your pants all over the country because we got Bob Barker on speed dial & he knows where to get ya neutered. Get your act together deadbeat athletes, or there's gonna be a snippin' at your conjunction junction.

If you liked this, check out Jonny's official site, J Lo Comedy.


Steve Garvey said...

No mention of me? Who is your Padre San Diego?

My password was Fogler, weird because Super Bad was on last night.

These eyes!

Tom Cruise said...

I hope that Cromartie is not having a ton of kids to prove that he is straight. That would just be bull crap.

Clay Aiken said...


The Bain said...

I'm trying to get Max Baer Jr. to come in and comment, but he always says he's "too high."

Bokolis said...

Ain't nothing wrong wit spreadin yo seed.if you ain't gots to pay no child support.

At least, that's what Genghis Khan would say if he were here.

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