Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Have the Bills Become the Worst NFL Franchise?

The Bills hiring of Chan Gailey leads many to wonder if this could be the final push for Buffalo to make the jump to NFL’s worst. Let’s go to the tale of the tape.

OWNERSHIP
As in which owner is more likely to die? Ralph Wilson is 90 years old, and to be honest, it is a miracle he did not catch pneumonia when it started raining during his Pro Football Hall of Fame induction ceremony. And Al Davis is never going to die.
Disadvantage: Raiders

COACHING
The Bills hired Chan Gailey. A retread hire that makes employing Norv Turner in San Diego seem smart. This certain type of desperation smacks of the Raiders. Davis did not even know who Tom Cable was when he was elevated from line coach to head coach. And Davis was caught on camera asking for a bio on Cable because he had no idea who he was. Still, that was not worse than Gailey. The Bills knew who Gaily is.

But now comes word (thanks Dawuss) that the Raiders are interviewing coaching candidates before even firing Cable. That is some all-time dysfunction. Of course, that could mean that the Raiders end up with Jim Fassel. The final word though is that the Bills could have had Marty Schottenheimer … and did not want him. Enjoy 5-11, Buffalo.
Disadvantage: Bills (Even the condescending remarks of Bills GM Buddy Nix notwithstanding.)

RECORD SINCE AFTER 1999 (Bills last playoff appearance)
Bills 66-94
Raiders 62-98
The Raiders, however, did win on AFC championship, but were humiliated in the Super Bowl. And 33 of those wins for the Raiders came from 2000-2002. But the last Bills playoff appearance was the Music City Miracle. A game marred by coach Wade Phillips’ inexplicable decision to start Rob Johnson over Doug Flutie at quarterback.
Disadvantage: Draw

FANS
Really?
Disadvantage: Raiders

CELEBRITY FANS
The Raiders have Ice Cube and Jessica Alba. The Bills have Nick Bakay.
Disadvantage: Bills

QUARTERBACKS
The Bills quarterback went to Havard. Raiders QB JaMarcus Russell was crowned King Elexis I by Mobile Area Mardi Gras Association. And he drinks wine out of a Diet Coke can ... allegedly. The Raiders were actually competitive with Bruce Gradako … Gradikuski … the Polish Guy. So this could be a real competitive football team. But there is a feeling that Russell is going to start next year.
Disadvantage: Raiders

BIGGEST HEADCASES
Surprisingly, WR Terrell Owens was a solid citizen for the Bills. He was not very good, mind you. But he behaved. Guess that is what happens when you are eviserated by a super model during a reality TV show. Bills RB Marshawn Lynch was suspended three games for carrying a gun in Culver City. Maybe he was waiting for Rich Eisen outside of NFL Network studios. The Raiders biggest thug is their coach, Tom Cable who sucker-punched an assistant coach. Remember when it was just the Raiders players who were a-holes?
Disadvantage: Bills

WEATHER
Oakland may be a merde-hole, but at least the weather is nice. And you can jump over to San Francisco. Buffalo has snow.
Disadvantage: Bills

CHEERLEADERS
The Raiderettes were always overrated. If you were a young man in college in Southern California during the 1990s, you were more likely to hookup with a Raiderette at the Red Onion, over one of the more respectable Rams cheerleaders – who produced Lisa Guerrero. And if you recall, former Broncos QB John Elway actually did that. So while the Raiderettes looked like those caked-on-makeup, bad boob job chicks that you would find at a strip club in Devore, Calif. – they were at least the weekend shift. The Bills cheerleaders – or Jills if you will – look like the girls you would find on 2-for-1 lap dance night.
Disadvantage: Bills

STADIUM
The Raiders play in one of those multi-use debacles with an eyesore block of seats haphazardly added on to the foundation following the team’s relocation to Oakland in 1995. Plus, you have Raiders fan. The Bills play outside in December. But here is the thing, the Oakland Raiders play all home games in, get this, Oakland. The Bills not only play two home games on the road, they do it in Canada. Imagine if the Raiders played two games in Vancouver. Well, the Raiders fans could actually score some ‘kind’ but still.
Disadvantage: Bills

THE WILL TO WIN
Davis has a commitment to excellence. And while his methods do not work, you do get the feeling that he desperately wants to win. Wilson tells people that he wants to win. Wilson said that with his advanced age, this next hire might be his last, so he wants it to count. And then he hires Gailey.
Disadvantage: Bills

MOST LIKELY TO MOVE TO LA
The Raiders did it once. They are one of the front runners to do it again. If the Bills move, it is likely to be to Toronto. Where they already play two games a year. And there is a current LA professional sports team which originally played in Buffalo – the LA Clippers.
Disadvantage: Bills

INTANGIBLES
When you see a ‘fan’ in a Raiders jersey, you first thoughts are to a.) check your wallet, b.) run like hell. And when you are safely out of distance, you can laugh like hell. When you see a guy (or gal) in a Bills jersey, you feel bummed for them. Like not only did you grow up in Buffalo, but that is the team that you have to root for. You would be lucky to have your team move away. Rooting for the Bills is the equivalent of showing up for the Ah-Ha reunion show at the local Food-4-Less, balloon in hand, and having the band not play, ‘Take on Me.’
Disadvantage: Bills

Wow, looks like the Bills win this one in closely contested battle. Congratulations to the Bills for surpassing the Raiders as the league’s most inept franchise.

7 comments:

Janet Elway said...

It's no surprise to me that John would marry a Raiderette.

DAWUSS said...

In Buffalo, everything is Scott Norwood's fault. Or so I've heard

Diane said...

I started to type a comment about my blind date at Duke's a few years back with a guy who was a die hard Bills fan, but it was too much work.

Bokolis said...

I fail to see how the Detroit Lions weren't considered.

THN said...

They were considered. But firing Matt Millen elevated them a touch.

I want the blind date story, too.

Fletch said...

The Browns feel left out, too.

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