Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Put Burress in Jail

Plaxico Burress needs to go to jail. No, this isn't about bringing guns into a club. Let’s not let this dissolve into a rant about our personal, constitutional freedoms.

Although, this raises an interesting point. Rod Woodson recently gave some advised a future NFL player to avoid places with a metal detector. To which our friend, EB, wisely pointed out that the rule would eliminate airports and court houses. The later which Burress should strive to avoid.

But he needs to go to jail for giving Eli Messiah a Super Bowl ring. And the judge should throw the book at him and make an example of Burress for this crime against humanity.

We all got a glimpse of what the Burress-less Giants, and to a more real extent the Burress-less Eli would look like. And it was wonderful. Eli was exposed as a fraud during the playoffs. Having the defense carry Eli is bad enough, he shouldn’t be allowed to have Burress, too.

All of the plea deals should include a provision that Burress can no longer play for the Giants. That’s only fair.

Monday, March 30, 2009

Sade de la Tarde: Less Bare Breasts in Vegas

For all of you perverts ... you can no longer leer at that Les Folies Bergere sign outside of the Tropicana. The long running topless revue has shut its doors. And it wasn't a bad show. But don't fret too much, Kelly Monaco is showing her stuff over at Planet Hollywood.

The Post Mortem: Boston Still Sucks

Good news everybody, I found something new that irritates me: dude in Cellbitch jersey rooting for Tiger Woods. You might want to check the scorecard there, skipper, because Tiger Woods is from Orange County. Went to Western High School in Anaheim. Doesn't Boston have a golfer that Tiger can beat?

But then again, the guy was wearing a Paul Pierce jersey, so it's not like he has any homegrown heroes to root for..

As Tiger lined up for the clincher on a dusky Sunday night, was there any doubt that he was going to make that putt? None of the tournament executives were even sweating that Tiger would miss. If anything, they might have been nervous that Sean O'Hair might actually make the thing.

There was no way that Tiger was going to miss.

So enjoy the Master's, everybody else is playing for second place.

Why does Terrell Owens continue to prattle on about the Cowboys? Like he's some girl you are dating who won't stop talking about your ex. Hey T.O. you've heard this right, if you can't be with the one you love, love the one you are with.

At least he might stop by the team's voluntary workouts this week while he's in Buffalo.

That's nice, T.O. What are you going to do when you alienate every team in the NFL? Maybe you and Jay Cutler can team up to form your own squad of malcontents.

  • Is Jay Glazer well known enough to be doing his own Subway commercial? What kind of stuff is that. How about Michael Strahan for that matter?
  • The Bud Light drinkability commercial with the skier has seemingly been pulled off the air -- did Liam Neeson pull some sort of Jedi mind trick? Yet, that little girl point to Howie Long's crotch, proclaiming "That's a big girl's seat" is still on the air. What's worse, they started so that commercial during the "To Catch a Predator" marathon. At least they know their audience.

Get well wishes to Diane who has been out of commission lately. But reports are that she's doing good. Sorry for the Cowgirl photo.

Friday, March 27, 2009

The Weak Ender

The Jets are believed to be one of ten teams in the hunt for Jay Cutler. And if you saw the Jets depth chart, you could understand why. For the Jets, Cutler makes perfect sense.

The team went for the old whiner last year, so the younger model would be a much bigger upgrade.

But what team wouldn't want Cutler? Try the Vikings. Turns out the Vikings had a deal going for Cutler, but backed off. Really? With Sage Rosenfels and Tarvaris Jackson as your two quarterbacks, the Vikings decided that they didn't want Cutler.

Uh, o.k.

The Cowboys aren't trading Tony Romo for Cutler, either. That's a shame. The NFL needs a good shakeup trade like that. But for now, the teams will carrying on with their high profile and playoff disappointing quarterbacks.

Also in the news, Tony Gonzalez may or may not be seeking a trade. Seriously does anybody in the AFC West want to play for their current team?

Sorry, Raiders players don't count.

To see more Cowgirl, check this out. Thanks EB.

Dr. Doug is not getting any work done today. Nor is his brother.

Al Davis was sitting in Dana Point on Wednesday, spinning yarns about the AFL. He also spent some time pimping a couple of his former players for the Hall of Fame -- Cliff Branch (no), Jim Plunkett (yes) and Tom Flores (yes). That's right, Plunkett and Flores should be in.

Davis even went on to ask, "What other quarterback has won two Super Bowls and isn't in the Hall of Fame?"

The answer: Tom Brady.

Here was Al's response: "He won the "Tuck Game," (expletive) him," Davis said, and the room erupted. "He did win it, the son of a (female dog)."

Still too soon, I guess.

And he's still sharp, Raiders fans ... get used to seeing him for a long time.

Also in Raiders news JaMarcus Russell showed up for voluntary workouts. As the NFL's largest quarterback in the wake of Jared Lorenzen's banishment from the league, maybe Russell shouldn't have already skipped a week of workouts. The dude isn't T.O., and he isn't going to be, how do we say it, diligent in is conditioning. If he ever wants to be a serious quarterback -- as Tom Cable said this week -- he needs to start taking this stuff seriously.

Duke loses, and the world seems good again. Now, Duke doesn't seem to be the power that it once was, drawing in the McDonald's All-America's -- or at least keeping them around. But as long as it says DUKE on the jersey, its losing is a wonderful thing.

And in these economic times where they don't report good news out of fear of not being able to jam us with spending bills, this Duke loss is wonderful.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Sade de la Tarde

This picture certainly isn't from the Fail Blog, but it is a full-on fail. Does Josh McDaniels really want to keep taunting Jay Cutler this way? He's only a holdout away from starting the season with Chris Simms. And does anybody really want that?

These public displays where he is taunting his quarterback are really not going to help. Nor is sending text messages. Could you imagine Vince Lombardi sending Bart Starr a text message? Too bad Max McGee isn't around to comment on that. Hmmm.

Of course, the text message would be to tell Starr to get McGee out of the bar.

  • You know when those guys said that Sienna didn't have a prayer? They meant it.

Monday, March 23, 2009

The Post Mortem

If I have to see that bridge that was built in 1913, or the freeway interchange built in 1949 one more time, I swear, I will get violent. Hey GMC, maybe you wouldn't be begging for cash if you made better commercials. Come on, people. At least they didn't have a minor pointing at Howie Long's crotch. (Watch it again.)

The annual tournament of March has started and Las Vegas might be in a depression but for one glorious weekend, Las Vegas was king again. Not that it mattered to MGM. The company is getting sued by its partners in Dubai, so that meant drink tickets for another season.

How funny is it going to be when the mob comes back to buy out the corporations? That will be awesome. But here are the biggest winners and losers from the first weekend of March Madness.

Winner: Wearing a suit to Las Vegas. You can't be overdressed in a town once ruled by the Rat Pack. But you can be under dressed. Just because you are spending all day in a sports book does not mean that you can wear sleeveless shirt. Don't do it.

Loser: Dealer-less blackjack. Is this going to save your company MGM? Firing all of the poker dealers? There is a reason why the corporations are failing in Las Vegas. The service is the key. Dealers are important. Free drinks are important. Not building City Centers is important.

Winner: James Polk.

Losers: Memphis. Sure, you got Northridge's hopes up only to erase them. But come on, we needed a huge blowout.

Winner: The main casino restrooms in the New York, New York. One word sums it up: Full doors. Honestly, you could probably crash there for the night and save some money. But maybe we shouldn't give MGM any ideas.

Loser: The go-go dancer over the $.25 slots at the Excalibur. Maybe next year you can work your way up to dancing behind the blackjack tables. Fingers crossed.

Winner: Cleveland State. Honestly, how many of you knew that this school still had a basketball program?

Loser: Arizona. No Wildcats, you did not prove to anybody that you deserved to be in the tournament. Just because you won two games does not mean that your shoddy credentials should be overlooked. By that logic, did Wake Forest and most of the ACC not deserve to be in the tournament. And to compound matters, you have the worst fans in all of college basketball. Further, Rick Pitino won't be coaching your team. Nor Mark Few. Wow, why would Few take a step down to coach in Tucson?

Winner: Unheralded Men at Work songs such as Overkill and It's a Mistake.

Loser: The Final Countdown.

Winner: Marquette. Thank you for beating Utah State. That would have been horrible.

Loser: Marquette. But you know what that line is for, right?

Winners: People who get up at 4 a.m. (or hang out until 4 a.m.) to get a seat in the sports book.

Losers: People who show up at 10 a.m. and ask, "Is this seat saved." Nope, a-hole. You just woke up at 10 a.m. on the first day of the tournament and you were lucky enough to find a place in the sports book. You really suck.

Winner: Dos Equis. The Most Interesting Man in the World returns!

Loser: Bud's drinkability. Horrible campaign. Horrible commercial where the guy draws trees on a ski run for people to crash into. Imagine Liam Neeson wanted to take his mind of things, watch a little hoops and he saw that commercial. Not cool.

Sade Tarde

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Not sure that I can agree on that fail. Especially if you spent any amount of time watching basketball games this weekend.

  • The Wonderlic scores are out! Georgia quarterback Matthew Stafford made . One that slipped under the radar was Maryland cornerback Kevin Barnes who had a 41. He's like the dude in Summer School who spent six weeks in the bathroom. Computer said I failed the test, the computer made an error indeed.
  • Curt Schilling announced on his blog today that he is retiring from baseball. Not blogging, unfortantely. Is he a Hall of Famer? Answer this question, can you tell the story of baseball without including Schilling? Impossible.

The Post Mortem is coming later. We didn't forget you ... just most of the weekend.

Friday, March 20, 2009

The Weak Ender

When Megan Fox kisses a mirror reflection of herself, that is hot. When A-Rod does it ... as Max pointed out below, not so much. But nice try anyway.

And hopefully this picture restores the dignity and high standards of the Weak Ender Girls.

What can we say about the first day of the tournament that hasn't been said already? When that one guy hit that shot as that one team beat that other team, well, that was amazing. And I'll never forget it. I only hope that the second day can live up to the amazing time we all had watching that first day.

Keep those upsets coming!

Congratulations to Cal State Northridge for having the quickest exit of anybody. Hope you enjoyed your time in the tournament. And Utah State, we knew that you would prove yourselves to be the frauds that everybody knew you were.

Keep on rolling everybody. Do a little work so the boss doesn't yell at you, and we're out!

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Hey Dook! (Revisited)

The Hater Nation is proud to welcome back Pete Gillen to lead us in song once again at the start of March Madness.

Many of you may remember me, Pete Gillen, the former head coach, of the University of Virginia’s men’s basketball team. If not, you will recall, that I am a very emotional leader, and my New England voice sounds, just like, President John F. Kennedy, his brotha, and Mayor Quimby from, the television program, The Simpsons, combined.

With Mahch Madness set to begeen, I am here today, to tell you of the greatness, that is Dook Univahrsity, men’s basketball. It is hard not to know about Dook in Mahch. As I told, radio personality Jim Rome a few yeahs ago, Dook is Dook. They’re on TV more, than reruns of Leave it to Beavahhhhh… reruns. It is a line that, will live on in infamy, or at least until, The Bish steals is and passes it off as his own in that crappy rag of his.

Now, in an attempt to stay relevant, since the Beavah’s show hasn’t been in steady reruns for at least 20 years, I will bring to you an original song of mine, sung to the tune, of another current, popular number, Mr. Paul McCartney’s, Hey Jude:

Hey Dook, don't feel so bad.
Take a bad bracket and make it bettah.
Remember to get off to a slow start,
Against a team that should be the Play-In winnah.

Hey Dook, don't be afraid.
The brackets were made so you’d play no one bettah.
The minute you play a Top 25 team,
You’ll pray for Christian Laettnah.

And anytime you feel the pain, hey Dook, refrain
Don't blame your bad looks on Shelden Williams’ mothah.
For well you know that you’re gonna loose yah cool
When you check out that Shelden’s even uglieah youngah brothah.

Hey Dook, don’t be ashamed
You get all the calls, but its for the bettah
But, despite of all of the help
You have no chance of beating the Tiguhs!

Hey Dook, don’t cut those nets down.
Try to survive in the tourney, like an 11th-seedah.
Remembah to let the refs and bracket committee into your heart,
As well as your coach, with a name with too many f-ing leddahs.

So find a ditch, and like Hurley, drive right on in
So they see that Reddick ain’t no Laettnah.
And don't you know that it's just you, hey Dook, you'll do,
Youh on TV mohr than Leave it to Beavahhhhhh.

Hey Dook, don't feel bad.
At least Florida State didn’t make it, eithah.
Remember it’s not the color of your skin,
It’s hard to win without players like Battiah, Boozah and
Laettnah, Laettnah, Laettnah, Laettnah, Laettnah, oh!

Nah Nah Nah Na Na Na, Naaaa… Nah Nah, Nah, Naaaa, hey DOOK!


Na Na Na Naaaaah Na Na Naaaaaaah hey DOOK!!!


Nah Nah Nah Na Na Na, Naaaa… Nah Nah, Nah, Naaaa, hey DOOK...

Nah Nah Nah Na Na Na, Naaaa… Nah Nah, Nah, Naaaa, hey DOOK...

Alirght, just the ACC fans now!

Nah Nah Nah Na Na Na, Naaaa… Nah Nah, Nah, Naaaa, hey DOOK...

Alright, just the Duke fans now!

Nah Nah Nah Na Na Na, Naaaa… Nah Nah, Nah, Naaaa, hey DOOK...

Everybody together!

Nah Nah Nah Na Na Na, Naaaa… Nah Nah, Nah, Naaaa, hey DOOK...

What Do We Do Now?

Five hours to tipoff.

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Tuesday, March 17, 2009

McGee: Hey Fun Boys, Get a Room

Max McGee joined The Hater Nation as a corespondent for Super Bowl 43. And he contributed just one post, when he promised like five. But now he won't go away and wants to post more. So why not, I'm too lazy to post now anyway. Take it away, Max.

You will forgive me if I tend to wax a little nostalgic when talking about football players of the past. Back when men were men. The only business the NFL was back when I played occurred when coach Lombardi caught you coming in late after curfew. Otherwise, we just played for the love of the game.

I know that's a strange thought to the current crop of NFL players. These a-holes care more about their stock portfolios tanking as opposed to what their teams are doing during the offseason.

The offseason. Back when I was playing, the offseason meant I went out and got a job. Look at what these two bun boys were doing during their offseason.

The only time I wanted a woman near me was when she was serving a beer.

So unless Gisele plans on feeding that ice cream cone to Tom while topless, then get out of the driver's seat, sweat heart. I swear, I'd rather have a drunk driver behind me than a woman. At least the drunk cares about driving.

Everybody says give Tom a break, he has three rings. That's three less than me, butter beans.

And Reggie Bush had better hand some weights to the fatty he's dating, or at least take her to the treadmill. That rear end is wrapped tighter than pair of speakers from Best Buy. Just don't be around when she unleashes that thing.

But I least those guys are hanging with women. I don't know what the hell to make of this Perry.

Was he young and stupid when he did those photos, too?

Now you guys understand what I was doing on the roof?

(photos from With Leathur)

Sade Tarde

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Welcome to Sade Tarde, with others doing the work so we don't have to. That guy above is probably drunk, too.

  • A psychologist believes that he can predict future behavior based on speech patterns according to the Florida Times Union. Makes sense because O.J. Simpson was murding the English language when he was a broadcaster.

  • Bad enough that the NBA made the Lakers sell green St. Patrick's day T-shirts. But the fact that Lakers fans are buying them is even worse. Come on, it's not like Boston women would ever wear make up.

Monday, March 16, 2009

Afternoon links

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For those of you that can't follow Fark, or Deadspin's blogdome, here are some of the top stories that you might have missed today. For the record, that "six-pack" is anything but a fail.

  • It's the pole dancing finals. But if you watch enough infomercials, you know that they aren't stripper polls, but rather fitness poles. Speaking of poles ... Let's move on.
  • Casino executives didn't realize that the house always wins. In this case, the house means the economy and now all of those Las Vegas casinos have to act like they want your business again.

We need some suggestions for a new name because Afternoon Links just seems too lame. Besides, you know how THN works. It's only a matter of time before Afternoon Links becomes once every three days links.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

The Post Mortem

The spat between the Raiders and Lane Kiffin has turned junior high right now. Al Davis is behaving like a jilted girl friend, calling her ex's new girlfriend to tell her just how rotten the guy she dated is. Makes sense, though, because Davis has gone senile and is experiencing his second childhood.

The Raiders sent a letter (the team of the decades doesn't use email) to the University of Tennessee to let the school know what a snot Kiffin is. But the Volunteers, having lived with Kiffin for a few months now, don't need to be told.

The Raiders did remind Tennessee that they had five decades of greatness, but clearly emphasized that the greatness was in the past. As evident by the team's letter writing campaign.

You can check a copy of the letter, here.

If you have time between doing your brackets this morning, you should really check it out. My favorite passage was that Davis was pissed because Kiffin and the Tennessee AD were laughing at the Raiders.

Dude, that's everybody.

I'm not sure if what the Raiders are doing is even legal, but you have to admire the team's dogged determination to get back at Kiffin. The team wasn't even this pissed at Tom Walsh, who was much worse for the organization.

  • There was more Cutler news over the weekend, speaking of junior high level antics. Jay Cutler now wants to be traded. The Broncos should honor that request and send him to the Lions.
  • America certainly takes a lot of pride in the World Baseball Classic. Getting the mercy rule by Puerto Rico? Guess the U.S. is going to be trying out some of its missiles again real soon.
Arizona's bid is a joke. Don't believe in Utah State. And Washington is my sleeper.

The Hardwood Apocalypse is back. Be sure to sign up as space is limited.

BTW, THN is going to start a new link-dump everyday at 1 p.m. (or thereabouts). So if you are too lazy to check out Fark.com, be sure to come back this afternoon.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

The Weak Ender

Charles "Mask" Lewis, the creator of Tapout gear, died in a car crash this week on Jamboree Blvd. in Newport Beach. Now, it's not just the prices of his tacky clothing that has been cut in half.

Many of the giants in the clothing industry are going to miss him, including Big Johnson, Big Dogs, the No Fear guy and the dudes who turn all of those T-shirts into inspirational religious Ts like Know Fear.

All of the UFC tough guys at the gym and tattoo parlor will be wearing black Zubaz pants in honor of Lewis. He certainly will be missed by those missing any fashion sense at all. The Hatriot adds that the Insane Clown Posse is really hit hard by this because they actually ripped off HIM, instead of the other way around like many of you suspect.

Lewis also was a fighter, too. And his death perfectly covers up Ken Shamrock's positive steroids test.

And get this, the guy who was racing Lewis is going to jail. Doesn't that go against the UFC code? Like, the dude was the winner and in UFC isn't it a win-at-all-cost attitude? Instead of arresting the guy, they should give him half of Lewis' Ferrari to put over his mantle. That guy is getting ripped off.

What, too soon?

  • Can't wait for that first Tapout shirt that features a split Ferrari. Maybe THN's printing press should get fired up again. If anybody is a designer and wants to run with that shirt, feel free.
  • What number are they up to in the Fast and Furious series? That just seems natural.
  • Jay Glazer is no stranger to Zubaz and Tapout gear, and he's reporting that Adam Jones is fit to return to the NFL. All because he looked good on some reality TV show. I don't typically read Glazer's stuff, but is he typically that self-absorbed? Wow, that's awful stuff. He has the connections, no doubt, but the writing is awful.
  • Ervin Santana is hurt for the Angels. Can you ever remember a time when the Angels started the season with their staff intact?
  • LaDainian Tomlinson was talking about teams he would have liked to have played for if he was released by the Chargers. He listed the Saints, Broncos and Ravens. All teams with the RBBC. He would have been awesome on the Cardinals with the way he can catch the football. That's almost too bad he's staying in San Diego.
  • Did anybody catch Andre Smith running the 40 with his shirt off during Alabama's pro day? He was bouncing like Carmen Electra on a trampoline. We'll do tasteless jokes here, but we won't show you that.

Remember when you said that this was going to be the year that you would follow college hoops so you would be ready to fill out your brackets? Too late, the conference tournaments are here. And Kaiser still hasn't gotten his $5. But the pool will start soon.

Don't worry about missing the games, you are probably better off.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

McGee: I have no time for Cutler

Max McGee joined The Hater Nation as a corespondent for Super Bowl 43. And he contributed just one post, when he promised like five. But now he won't go away and wants to post more. So why not, I'm too lazy to post now anyway. Take it away, Max.

Jay Cutler needs to grow a pair. He’s obviously the product of the current athletic system where these spoiled brats are spoon-fed from birth and are never told ‘no.’ Cutler met with the owner and coach and said that his feelings were hurt because he was almost traded.

If any of us ever went up to coach Lombardi to talk about our feelings, we’d find ourselves on the wrong end of a rolled up program. Let me tell you, on those cold Green Bay afternoons, that program carried quite a wallop.

I also have a little trouble relating to today’s modern athlete because we were men back in our day. Now these pansies want to talk about feelings and how bad life is because they were almost traded. Back in my day, if you went 17-20 as a starter, you found your ass on the bench. We didn’t hold conference calls and ask to have our hands held while our testicles finally dropped.

And the guy looks like a milk drinker, too.

The Broncos would be better off to get rid of this loser and go with this Chris Simms guy. Simms once nearly died on the field because he had a ruptured spleen. Now that’s a football player. He didn’t sit around talking about his feelings, he went out and played. That’s the kind of guy I’d like to take out drinking on Saturday night, and then catch passes from the following day.

Say, you don’t need a spleen to drink do ya? Not that it would matter to him, he’s a real man.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Bruschi Still Enjoys Tuck Rule

Tedy Bruschi chatted with NFL.com and a very interesting question popped up -- and he answered it.

From Clay in the O.C.

As a Southern California football fan, your run to the Super Bowl in 2001 was very memorable for us jilted NFL fans out here. Which was more satisfying for you ... beating the Raiders in a miracle fashion or beating St. Louis FC in the Super Bowl? A Super Bowl win is an obvious answer, but you have to give some credit to one of the most enduring images of the Patriots dynasty.

Tedy Bruschi, New England Patriots

I'll never forget the Super Bowl, but the Raiders game was historic. The weather, the tuck, the kick, moments that any NFL fan, including myself, will never forget.


Florida's Meyer in Trouble with Womens' Groups?

Florida coach Urban Meyer might have crossed a line. The coach of the defending national champions said that if any player on his team hits a woman, that player will be kicked off the team, no questions asked.

This is clearly a slap in the face of Title IX, that seeks equal representation of women in college athletics. The women’s volleyball, basketball, softball, track, et all coaches – who all benefit from the money the Florida football program brings in – will no doubt protest Meyer’s misogynistic proclamation.

Why is hitting a woman any different than hitting a man? In this era of change, football does not need coaches making chauvinistic remarks in public about women. Meyer is lucky that he wins, otherwise he could be in a lot of hot water for these remarks.

Monday, March 09, 2009

The Post Mortem: Owens in Buffalo

What was the bigger surprise of the weekend: Terrell Owens signs with the Buffalo Bills. Or that Buffalo still has a football team?

The Bills have become the NFL version of Cop Rock. A long forgotten team that seemed to disappear after losing four consecutive Super Bowls. If not for an epic meltdown against Owens and the Cowboys on Monday Night Football two years ago, the Bills would be relegated to spam email – Have you seen this football team?

In fact, the Bills escaped to Canada for a couple of games last season and nobody noticed. The Bills are a rusting bike sitting out in the backyard. Our lives would probably be richer if the team had been removed out from under our collective noses.

Owens at least has shown the sporting public that the Bills still exist. But will he deliver the wins?

That’s hard to say.

The Bills have finished 7-9 in three consecutive seasons and Owens could push the team into the playoffs. Or he could drag them down further. But what could be further? The team – as mentioned – already plays games in Canada. There might not be any greater indignity.

The Bills did the right thing here giving Owens a one-year deal. Owens always seems to perform well in those one-year honeymoons. The second- and third-years are when the problem arise.

This is a good move. Owens will make Lee Evans and Trent Edwards better. He’s get the Bills on prime time. And more importantly, he brings them back from the dead.

Negotiations between the Chargers and LaDainian Tomlinson have appeared to have hit a wall. That could lead to Tomlinson being released in the near future. Well the Chargers certainly made the right decision with Drew Brees and Lorenzo Neal, so you must have confidence that the team knows what it is doing with Tomlinson. Letting Neal go and the deterioration off the offensive line is probably a bigger problem the LT – who was never fully healthy in 2008.

Now the team is going to roll the dice on drafting Knowshon Moreno and pairing him with Darren Sproles.

Plus, the team is going to run Shawne Merriman out of town, too. The Chargers defense thrived last year without ‘Lights Out’ so the future of the Chargers looks sweet.

Friday, March 06, 2009

The Weak Ender

At what point in society did women finally say -- when going in for cosmetic surgery on their chests -- "I'm looking for something more crystal ballish. Maybe something in a globe." Seriously, trying to find a picture of this chick was a near nightmare.

Pat Burrell once went out with this adult actress. And by went out we mean bumping uglies.

When baseball players are going good, they say that the baseball looks like a beach ball. So maybe that explains the attraction.

We are in quite a cat-and-mouse game with Terrell Owens. Teams have told Adam Schefter that there is no interest in Owens at all. Drew Rosenhaus says that there is. Hard to figure out who to believe because both groups are often so honest and truthful. Like car salesmen and 40-year old dudes with fake tans, veneers and gold chains hanging around clubs hitting on college chicks.

Yesterday, Washington really stood out as one of the front runners. Then a change of heart said Raven. Now, there could be an instance where Owens doesn't report to training camp at all and is on the verge of missing the season. But some team will buckle. Some team will cave and end up giving Owens what he wants.

Kind of like that episode of The Simpsons where Bart is sent to his room without dinner. A remorseful Bart finally gets the message until Homer slips him some pizza. That is what will happen with Owens.

Credit baseball owners for locking out Barry Bonds. But NFL owners just don't have that kind of resolve.

Alex Rodriguez is going to play without surgery on his injured hip. Gee, wonder where he is going to get the strength to pull through? This season is shaping up nicely for the Yankees. A-Rod will have an extended stint on the disabled list. Mark Teixeira is a notorious slow starter. The moment he starts struggling in April, the idiot Yankees fans will be all over him, causing him to go into an Ed Whitson-like funk. Oh boy, will this be great.

Thursday, March 05, 2009

Owens isn't going to the Raiders

Alright, looks like all of the media is trying to get a jump on The Hater Nation by making Terrell Owens to the Raiders jokes. But the thing is, Owens is still good. This might have been the kind of player the Raiders would have signed 20 years ago, but not now. The Raiders don’t take castaways that still have tread on the tires. Owens will come to Oakland in about three years.

Besides, the Redskins are the new team that picks up retreads and gives them more money than they deserve. Or did you not notice the contract that DeAngelo Hall signed this year?

Terrell Owens will play for the Redskins this year.

Wednesday, March 04, 2009

Later, T.O.

Terrell Owens was released by the Cowboys and the only thing more fitting would have been if George Teague was there to deliver the news. And hopefully this doesn't drive T.O. to suicide. Again.

If you had 1,025 receiving yards, 10 touchdowns and still got released, well, that says a lot about character.

My only wish is that those a-hole Cowboys fans that jeered Owens when he was with the 49ers and then rushed out to buy a No. 81 Owens jersey feel pretty good about themselves today. You guys are all like Kenneth from Can't Buy Me Love ... Terrell Miller (expletive) on your house, but you still forgave him and brought him in. Hopefully that shame lingers in your heart.

Tuesday, March 03, 2009

Welcome to National Sportsmanship Day!

Or maybe, more aptly, National Sportsmanship Day should be called the anti-Belichick day. This day was formally anti-Raiders day, but the Raiders don’t cheat anymore. Well, hopefully they no longer cheat. Because if they are cheating their way to the worst team in the NFL, then they have troubles.

Bill Belichick may cheat ... but he wins. And that makes him a real American.

Sportsmanship Day, however, is one of the worst ideas imaginable. No wonder America has grown soft – we’re sportsmen now. Was America very sporting during the bombing of Dresden? Was America sporting when it nuked Japan? No … America was great.

Now we have participation trophies and a bunch of kids growing up worrying about their feelings. You know what I got when my youth league basketball team came in last place? Nothing. Not even a trip to Farrell’s Ice Cream Parlor. The coach shook our hands and said – and I quote “See you losers next year.”

Those kids that were offended quit. Those kids pissed off came back better the next season. And that’s the way life should be.

Kids nowadays play games with no score. How the hell do you play a game with no score? Can you imagine walking into a Las Vegas casino and start playing blackjack for no money? Try telling the pit boss that you are just playing for the competition and watch them throw your butt onto Fremont Street.

No, we need an Anti-Sportsmanship Day. A day where groin punches, eye pokes and foreign objects in the wrestling tights will be encouraged. Call it the Ric Flairification of this country. No wonder our American automotive industry is getting killed, we’re afraid to throw sand in the eyes of the foreign automotive makers.

And it stems from stuff like National Sportsmanship Day. Well I love America too much to let Sportsmanship ruin us. The Hater Nation implores all of you patriots to throw an elbow in your pickup game. Maybe go spikes high in your softball game.

In other words, be a proud American.

Monday, March 02, 2009

The Post Mortem

Jay Cutler is pissed because his name was mentioned in trade talks over the weekend. And with all of the Super Bowls and playoff wins he has delivered over the years, you can understand why he would be so upset.

Cutler has a chance to be good. He has a live arm and he’s shown some flashes. But so has Matt Cassel. The two quarterbacks are equal right now in that they both have talent and have yet to deliver their team to the playoffs.

And get over the whole notion that Cassel didn’t start in college. Yeah, message received. Right now, the quarterbacks are just about even. So put yourself in Josh McDaniels' position. You are taking over a new team. You have a good quarterback. But you could trade for a good quarter – a player you groomed. So you could have your own guy at quarterback plus a bunch of draft picks to rebuild a defense that is switching to the 3-4.

Were the Broncos that crazy for considering the trade?

Here are some of the major storylines heading in to the second week of free agency.

  • Arizona – Are the Cardinals losing credibility it finally earned by letting Kurt Warner talk to the 49ers? Arizona lost its offensive coordinator, fired its defensive coordinator and could be ready to commence the Matt Leinart Era 2.0. In other words, they are back to acting like the Cardinals again.

  • San Francisco – Are they really in the hunt for Warner? Would the Warner Machine still thrive in SF, moving from Larry Fitzgerald and Anquan Boldin to Isaac Bruce and Brandon Jones?

  • Seattle – Don’t seem as active as a team that finished with the fourth overall selection in the 2009 NFL Draft. Unlike other teams making a coaching change, the team was not gutted. A lot of different factors could be at work here, writing 2008 because of injuries. Jim Mora has already been with the team for a while. Still, after losing Maurice Morris, they still need to get another running back to pair with Julius Jones.

  • St. Louis FC -- The team needs to get more active in free agency before returning home to Southern California.

  • Kansas City – Traded for Cassel, but has it done enough to protect its quarterback on the offensive line? Here’s something to consider too, did the Patriots disrespect the Chiefs by trading Cassel there believe Denver is more of a threat?

  • Oakland – The Raiders seem quiet, but maybe they only make huge free agent moves during the season.

  • San Diego – Aren’t early player in free agency, but have a lot of issues to talk about with LaDainian Tomlinson and – more long term – Shawne Merriman.

  • Philadelphia – The Eagles didn’t get T.J. Houghvmsadgxcbzsadeh, meaning another year of giving Donovan McNabb another excuse as to why he sucks in the clutch. Why should the Eagles sign a good WR? McNabb will just piss him off and chase him to a division rival.

  • Dallas -- The Cowboys signed linebacker Keith Brooking, despite being connected with Ray Lewis for so long. Do the Cowboys not value leadership? Plus, without cornerbacks Pacman Jones and Anthony Henry, what is the team going to do about the secondary? This team had DeMarcus Ware and his 20 sacks and the secondary was still miserable. This team needs an upgrade.