Friday, January 30, 2009

The Weak Ender

When you speak of The Hater Nation backing the Kurt Warner Machine, it goes back further than just this season. In fact, let's look back to a post from November, 2006.

The game might have passed by Britney Spears, but these eyes will always view her in the same light as Kurt Warner. Sure, she might not be what she once was; her confidence might be shaken; she has a bad spouse and yeah, she might fumble a kid here and there. (Who hasn't?) But for a glorious three-year run, she was on top of the world. A fact that cannot be challenged even if she made another eight seasons of Chaotic.

So go ahead and make fun of her if you will, but remember this. The divorce from Brenda Federline only means that she is going to be getting back into the game. And you know what that means—a Playboy spread is coming soon. Oh yeah, laugh it up now, but you know you will be the first in line to buy that issue.

Now leading into Super Bowl XLIII the KWM is at the top of the world, and Britney is back in her Toxic-hot phase.

BTW, this is probably THN's favorite Britney photo. But this is a family site.

Let's talk about the game!

Probably the most annoying story of Super Bowl week is Larry Fitzgerald Sr. Wow, some sports writer's son is playing in the Super Bowl. Do any of you, not in the business, actually care about this angle? No. But for the vast majority of sports writers who like to print stories of their daughter's high school softball games, this is big news.

Will Larry Sr. be objective? Will he cheer in the press box? Will he eat nachos or pop corn during the game? The answer is both. He's a sports writer, right?

Larry Fitzgerald Sr. has easily surpassed Jerome Bettis is from Detroit as the most annoying story in Super Bowl history. And you would think that Warner would be the biggest story of the week. But even that has taken a back burner. Only because his dad isn't a sports writer.

  • Hines Ward knee also became a tiresome story this week. But expect him to pull the LaDainian Tomlinson. Might has well fit him with a colored visor so he can sulk on the sidelines.

Now comes time for the pick. And if you think The Hater Nation is picking the Cardinals, you are absolutely correct. The Steelers are a great team. The defense is awesome. And this game will likely be one of those 17-13 tilts.

A lot of times they are.

The Cardinals will find a way to win this game. The Panthers and Eagles were supposed to have overpowering defenses that would slow down the Cardinals. But they couldn't. Not even on the East Coast -- where the Cardinals never win. (Surprised that angle hasn't surfaced again.)

Warner showed in the NFC Championship Game that he can make the play to win the game. He also did it in Super Bowl XXXIV. Take Warner to be the MVP -- even if he honestly doesn't deserve it.

Hey, the Football Gods owe us for giving us back-to-back Manning wins.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

McGee: Today's Generation Sucks

The Hater Nation is pleased to present special Super Bowl corespondent, Max McGee, who is going to weigh in on this week's events.

I see that punk kicker for the Steelers Jeff Reed is making a name for himself be hitting the Tampa nightlife. Wimp. He's the friggin kicker for crissakes. Nobody gives a damn about the kicker. Hell, my rotting corpse could be an NFL kicker right now. It takes no skill. What the hell does he do all day in practice anyway? He just kicks, like my great grandson.

Lou Groza, now he was a damn fine kicker and he could knock you on your ass. Jeff Reed looked like the kind of guy who enjoyed shower time a little too much, if you know what I mean.

But that was when football was played by men, dog damn it. And the morons that cheered for us, didn't spend their nights following us with their cellphones and snapping pictures of us carousing with the ladies. They showed some dog damn respect.

You wimps don't have enough led in your pencils to write down the things I did prior to the Super Bowl. If I caught one of you bung boys looking over my shoulder as I was texting Lauren Bacall, I would have punched your right in the throat.

Now all of your girlie men are so distraught about this Jeff Reed guy ... "Oh no, our kicker is out having a few cocktails on Tuesday night. How is he ever going to play in the game?"

I went out drinking prior to Super Bowl I, and I spent the entire night painting the town red. I was drinking men a decade younger than me under the table, and dancing the night away with Hollywood starlets.

That really hurt my performance, too. I only caught seven passes for 138 yards and two touchdowns. And I wasn't even wearing my proper helmet either. And you want to know why? Because I am a man dog damn it.

None of this current generation impresses me. I want to see more pictures of NFL players hitting the streets. I want to see Ben Roethlisberger holding a bottle of rum, dancing on a bar. I want to see Larry Fitzgerald doing a Jaegerbomb. I want to see Kurt Warner, well, never mind.

But I know Matt Leinart is feeling me right now.

I want members of the Steelers and Cardinals to reach down in their pants and see if they have a pair. If they do, then I want to see them boozing on Saturday night in my memory. At least that way they will have an excuse as to why the level of play will never reach our standards.

Now if you will excuse me, the night is still young and I'm going to go out and live.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Which LA Team Will Return First?

Don't listen to the rumors coming out of Minnesota or Jacksonville. The NFL team most likely to move to Los Angeles and live in Ed Roski's dream stadium north of Angels Stadium and Cal State Fullerton in the City of Industry will likely be returning to the region.

And no, it's not the Los Angeles Xtreme.

The three teams most likely to make LA home -- again -- are the Chargers, Rams and Raiders. And the Chargers fired the opening salvo on Tuesday, hiring a the Wasserman Group to handle all of its' marketing for Orange and Los Angeles counties.

While not a sign that the Chargers will move to Los Angeles, it ruffled enough feathers. Fans called the local radio stations claiming that the Chargers are on the move. But don't get too far ahead on this.

Roski does indeed want to bring a team to Los Angeles. He also wants to own a piece of it. Alex Spanos might be suffering from dementia, but selling the team doesn't seem likely. Not unless the taxes are going to get his son, Dean.

Al Davis also has no wishes to sell the team and would like to leave the Raiders for his son. But his son has no interest in running the team. Besides, Al still has about 30 more years to go before this will even become an issue.

That leaves the St. Louis FC. The team will have to be sold. And who better than Roski to return the team to Los Angeles?

No matter what you hear on the matter, the Chargers won't be coming to Los Angeles. They are just trying to market better, increase the season-ticket base. But for right now, when it comes to returning to LA, St. Louis FC has to be the leader in the clubhouse.

Of course, the Rams and Chargers could share the stadium ... let's not even think about that yet.

Memo to Media: We Get It Media Day is Crazy

There was a reporter a few years ago, Tim Polzer, who wrote the definitive story on Media Day. (The story, however, has disappeared into thin air.) He crushed Media Day at the Super Bowl and ever since then, it seems people have spent Media Day talking about how crazy it is.

Yeah, we get it.

Reporters ask stupid questions. On Monday, somebody asked Kurt Warner what it was like to play for a head coach that was younger than he was. Only KWM is 38, Ken Whisenhunt is around 46 (sorry, not looking it up). And there were probably some dumb questions asked again on Tuesday.

Guess what, though? Nobody cares. We don't care about the Telemundo broad with the body of the neighbor from Something About Mary is doing. We don't care who challenged anybody to a dance off. Media Day is akin to a couple of adolescences swapping fart jokes. And if that's your kind of thing, well, bully for you.

But please. For the love of God. Quit telling us how crazy it is. We understand that. Oh look, Jeff Reed (pictured) has crazy hair. If you went on the league's official site, that's pretty much what they were talking about. Wonderful.

Honestly, I'm ready for this week to be over. And yet, I have yet to really start.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Let Them Play

The Mountain West conference is pushing for inclusion to the BCS, rightfully looking for a piece of its own economic pie.

What isn't a surprise is that many of the member schools (make that all of them) aren't really feeling the Mountain West. And really, why should they? Just take a look at some of the member BCS schools.

The Pac-10 was humiliated by the Mountain West during the regular season. Arizona did get over on BYU in the Las Vegas Bowl. But outside of USC, do you see a Pac-10 team that would be favored over Utah?

The Big Ten, well, they suck. And if the Mountain West was in the BCS, how would the conference get a second, undeserving team into a bowl game?

And then, there's the SEC. Outside of, well, nobody, is there an SEC team that would be favored to beat Utah? Well, favored is a bad example. But is there an SEC team that you would expect to beat Utah? No. Not unless your are a Florida honk.

The Mountain West should continue to push for this. And really, the conference should look to increase its strength by adding Boise State. That would make the conference a true football force. Then the BCS would no longer be able to ignore them.

Tip to Reader Matt P.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

The Post Mortem

Eva Mendes did not watch the NHL All-Star game, either. So don't be ashamed. And yes, this is kind of a weak attempt to make up for the lack of the Weak Ender. Seems that 8,000 words on Tony Dungy is not a decent enough excuse to go without Friday cheesecake. The CMs have spoken and hopefully, you will forgive us.

Photo was found here.

So how did many of you adjust to your first Sunday without NFL football? Some probably tried to wean themselves with college hoops. Others might have tried NBA basketball. But again, we can all agree that nobody went with the NHL All-Star game, right?

I, however, spent Sunday trying to figure out just what the hell was on the side of Greg Popovich's head. Honestly, what was that thing? Did Eva Longoria hit him when she tossed her compact after Tony Parker informed her that he was going to be a little bit late for the SAG awards? Anybody have any idea what exactly that was?

And for the record, Jeff Van Gundy is an excellent announcer. He's entertaining. He pulled no punches when talking about the Memphis Grizzlies, claiming that the franchise isn't trying to win. That can only lead to the logical conclusion that Van Gundy will one day be working for the Grizzlies. (That's the way these things typically run.)

Just kidding, he'll probably end up getting too full of himself and end up becoming a side-show like Dickie V.

  • Joe Torre has written a book about his years with the Yankees. B from FanHouse had this review: In the book, Joe reveals that Alex Rodriguez is a weird creep, Brian Cashman isn't 100 percent on the level, and George Steinbrenner cares more about the "Yankees" than he does about the people who make up the Yankees. The title of the book, if you're interested in reading it, is Things We Already Knew. Well done.

Not sure if you guys pay much attention to this, but ESPN's Chris Mortenson reported that Mike Shanahan was going to the Kansas City Chiefs. A report that was completely contradicted by NFL Network's Adam Schefter. The same Adam Schefter who wrote for the Denver Post. So who do you figure ended up winning that battle? Of course, ESPN does it's little back peddle and nothing happens. Aren't there any consequences for this stuff anymore?

Are you guys ready for the KWM love fest this week?

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Roast of Tony Dungy, Part II

Thanks for sticking with us, folks. I know that it’s not easy. If we haven't killed all of the readership with these past two days, then we'll never be able to do it. This session is a lot like the first one, only this one might draw some laughs.

The Hatriot regrets that he can’t be here tonight. But he left this message: "Tony, all us at THN chipped in and got you something you can really use. Go ahead, open it up! That's right! It's a book of parenting advice written by Andy Reid!"

Forward by Bill Belichick.

I feel bad for Andy Reid's kids. They are the son of an NFL head coach and Mormon. They never stood a chance. We should just feel fortunate they were only dealing drugs. We dodged a bullet there.

Hey Tony, we were going to get you a dog, but we left it over at Bill Simmons' house and now it's gone. Hey, this is a roast people.

Now, ladies and gentlement, please welcome Lil' Hater. They say that Lil' Hater is the brains behind THN, but frankly, he seems more like the appendix.


Yeah yeah yeah, welcome to the crappy roast.

Seriously, I was expecting great things from this event, and was preparing for a sloppily-drunk audience to laugh at most my jokes. Or at least chuckle at the one about Michael Landon, Don Rickles, Bette Davis and the horse.

But then that rat bastard Fundee banned booze from the event. What a d-bag.

That’s right, Fundee, you suck. And if you weren’t sitting at the loser table with of Rick Warren, W., and Kirk Cameron I’d walk over there and tell you to your never-smiling face, but I’m afraid you’d all try to convert me. Lame Jesus freaks.

Where was I? Oh yeah, sobriety is a bitch. No wonder Bim Bim didn’t show up for the event.

Anyway, I have a lot of favorite Fundee memories.

Like him leaving behind a legacy of former assistant coaches who have gone on to head coaching greatness. That’s right, I’m talking Rod Marinelli, and Herm Edwards.

Like him being the coach of the first team to ever start a season 13-0 and not reach the Super Bowl

Like him losing 41-nil to the Jets in his first playoff game as a Indianapolis FC coach.

Like him having to live in Indianapolis (city motto: you’re only 100 miles from Dayton, and slightly less ugly chicks!) for seven years.

Like him winning the Father of the Year award two years ago, an event sponsored by the Nev-R-Snap Rope Co.


But most of all, the though of him being outsmarted by Norv Turner – NORV TURNER – over and over again. Man, that takes the cake.

Seriously, losing to Admiral Akbar in the clutch two years in a row should demand a resignation, right?

Norv has managed to win four whopping playoff games in the past 15 years, or as many as Coach Whatshisname from Arizona will win this year.

Seriously, as an aside, I’d like to say more about the Cardinals. But here in SoCal I only got to see them play on TV maybe twice all year in the regular season. Which is roughly 14 times less than the f’ing Giants were televised locally, in a market a mere 3,000 miles away from New Jersey.

Thanks NFL, that makes a lot of sense. But I digress.

One of Norv’s four playoff wins was against an 8-8 Lions team in the 90’s. Which to be fair to the Lions, was their best season in recent memory. Another was win was last year, against a team lead at QB by Vince Young, which says enough right there.

The other 2 Norvster wins were against far superior Indy teams. Superior except for the coaching match-up, it seems.

Norv would’ve won another playoff game against the Fundee-led Bucs too, except for a botched last-minute field goal snap. That’s just plain embarrassing.

Bottom line: For all the talent around him, Fundee was one of the greatest underachievers in NFL history, up there with John Madden, the 2008-09 season’s THN Last and 10 entries, and all those goddamned Mannings.

Seriously, the Colts should just hire Jon Gruden next year, and watch him easily win a Super Bowl with the same talent around him as Fundee. It’s worked before.

So anyway, Fundee, thanks for ensuring the Norvster gets to keep his job in San Diego for a second straight year, jerk.

That reason alone has kept me, yet again, from buying a high-def TV, fearful of seeing that turkey-necked bastard in all his pock-marked glory.

Well that, and outstanding gambling debts.

Give it up for Lil’ Hater. In a previous life, he was Alyssa Milano’s vibrator. Which means that he got to see the inside of Barry Zito’s ass.

Baseball is morning the engagement of Milano. Well, not really, seeing that they are just going to (expletive) Elisha Dushku now.

Elisha is a younger version of Milano without the hairy arms, or the knowledge of what Tony Danza’s balls look like. Speaking of that, Milano has taken more balls to the chin than Don Baylor and Andy Dick. Milano has (expletived) so many ball players, she has a different use for a rosin bag.

Milano is going to be marrying her manager. Way to (expletive) your way to the middle. He was already taking her money before, so he's really just (expletive)ing himself.

Mike Scioscia considered hiring Milano to be hitting coach considering she’s scored more in Fenway Park than the Angels.

It's a roast people, she's laughing at this. Really.

Oh, we’ve had enough, here’s McLean Stevenson.


When Kordell Stewart was playing quarterback in the NFL, his center didn’t wear a towel on his backside. He wore a tube sock.

Oh crap, why did I start with that one. Who can blame me, I left M*A*S*H for Hello Larry.

Hey Kordell, I didn’t realize that you and I wore the same brand of shoes. At least that’s what Larry Craig told me. He also stall three this time. He said you’d know what that means.

They said that Tony Dungy was the first African Ameican to win a Super Bowl. Dungy ain't black. The only time he was black was when Kordell has his (richard) in his (expletive).

When Eli Manning goes on the road, his wife makes him promise that he will cheat on her. Just not with Peyton, again.

Are Archie Manning and his wife first cousins? I don’t want to say that the Manning brothers look like special needs kids. But Eli looks like Corky and Jo’s cousin from the Facts of Life had a child.

Kurt Warner is in the crowd tonight. Hey Kurt, what’s with the gloves? Look at our savior’s hands. And he still doesn’t wear gloves. He would be out there throwing the football barehanded!

Ben Roethlisberger is here tonight. He’s about one blow to the head away from being a talking monkey. Or a Manning brother.

Rich Eisen is here tonight, folks. Hopefully he didn’t dent your car when he parked it. Nice career move, going from ESPN to the world’s most expensive broadcast. That would be like Kobe Bryant quitting the NBA to go play pickup basketball at 38th Street in Newport Beach.

McLean Stevenson, ladies and gentlemen. The guy has made a lot of bad career choices. He once wrote for this blog, but took a step down and now he writes for Deadspin.

I don’t want to say that Deadspin is in a bad spot now that Will Leitch left, but it's now written by Coy and Vance.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, I want to introduce you to one of the best quarterbacks to ever play in the National Football League.

I’d like to do that, but Joe Montana didn’t want to show up. Instead, here’s Kordell Stewart.


I didn’t come here to roast Tony Dungy. I came here to (expletive) Cloris Leachman.

Actually, I wasn’t supposed to be here at all. Bucky was supposed to be here to roast The Quiet One- I guess Triumph the Insult Comic Dog wasn’t in the budget. But Bucky couldn’t make it, on account of the injuries he sustained when Mrs. Bucky couldn’t stop punching him in the arm celebrating the Cardinals’ win on Sunday. So you’re stuck with me stealing a few jokes from people who are funnier than anyone in the room, and trying to get a piece of trim before the night is out.

Seriously. I’m not picky. Cloris, you have my number. Regis, so do you. But not you, Tony; I know how you feel about that sort of thing. At least in public. You know what they say; usually people who are uptight about matters of sexuality are the ones with real skeletons in their closet. But enough about his children.

I’ve only met Tony a few times, but I can’t say we really know each other very well. In truth, every time we met, he did all the talking, on account of my mouth being full. I do know that he’s a really hairy guy; it took me ten minutes to find his ass. I swear to god, I thought he was Brian Urlacher- you know, a Bear. A Chicago Bear. Never mind. They said I could be tasteless. That's more than I can say about Tony. . . . .

They say that Tony is a modest guy; that he’s not full of himself. And that’s true. But only because I’ve been full of Tony so many times. I do know that Tony was looking to get a tattoo the other day. But the tattoo artist wouldn’t do it. Tony wanted a tattoo of a guy’s mouth on his cock. Even the guys that peddle hepatitis thought that was too much.

Tony has been around football for a long time. Some of you may remember that he was actually a quarterback in college, at the University of Minnesota. He actually wanted to play at Oklahoma, but then they realized that when Tony was around, chicks and geese and ducks really better scurry. Yes, football has been in Tony’s blood for a long time. The HIV is a recent addition.

I understand that Tony is leaving the game at this time because he wants to get more involved in religion and troubled youth. Seriously, he always wanted to be an altar boy. Now he wants to make a few altar boys. I mean, turn troubled boys into altar boys. Something like that. Tony has the requisite experience for such a role. Several years ago, one of his boys asked him, “Dad, can I get fifty bucks for a blow job?” And Tony answered, “I don’t know; are you any good?”

Tony’s helped me out a bit, too. I remember back when I was playing with the Steelers, and stories were going around about me. I ran into Tony after a game, and sought his advice. He told me that when he gets stressed out, he goes home, and his wife takes really good care of him. I mean really good care. And he said that I should try that. So after the season, I ran into him again, and he asked how I was doing, and if I had taken his advice. And I told him I did take his advice, and that it really helped. “And,” I told him, “I didn’t know you had such a great house, too.”

Once I was out with Tony having a drink- well, I was having an Appletini, and he was having a Grape Nehi. And this guy walks into the bar with a little alligator, maybe two feet long. The bartender wants the guy to take the alligator right back out, but the guys says, “No, he’s really well trained, let me prove it.” So the guy puts the alligator on the barstool and opens its mouth, so you can see a mouthful of razor sharp teeth. And then the guy whips out his johnson and lays it in the alligator’s mouth. The guy drinks his beer, with his dong laying in the alligators mouth, and the alligator doesn’t even flinch. Finally the guy finishes his beer, gently takes his piece out of the alligator’s mouth, and puts it away. He says, “See how well trained he is? Does anyone else want to try it?”

At this, Tony stands up and walks over to the guy. “Yeah, I do. But I don’t know if I can keep my mouth open that long.”

Yeah, there are a lot of Tony stories out there. But I don’t want to monopolize them. I’ll save a few for someone else.

Cloris, you still alive?

Thanks for sticking with us, folks. I know that it’s not easy.

Wow, I'm so repeating, I'm drunking myself. Thanks for coming. You all are true sports.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

The Roast of Tony Dungy

Hello ladies and gentlemen, welcome to The Hater Nation Roast of Tony Dungy. I am your host, Dean Martin, and I am happy that you are here. Honestly. I'm being paid by the visitor and unfortunately for me this site draws like a Mensa convention for Raiders fans.

Ladies and gentlemen, we are pleased to present our third ever THN Roast. But this is a roast people, meaning it's going to be mean-spirited and in poor taste. Even by THN's standards. So please, if you are easily offended, check us out next week. We've even invited a few guest, so the language could get a bit coarse.

You've been warned.

But enough about that. I'm thrilled to be here and let's talk about the man of the hour, Tony Dungy.

Tony Dungy may have retired from football, but now he has plenty of time to devote to "Smear the Queer."

That's right, we're coming out guns blazing. The speakers broadcasting today's roast are pointed up to the sky. No, not for God to hear, but rather so Tony can hear from his high horse.

They say that Tony Dungy has been tough on the gays. But not tough enough to give the prayer at Barack Obama's inauguration.

When it came to the playoffs, Tony Dungy has had more one-and-outs than the average 16-year-old on prom night.

Just trying to have a little fun here, folks.

I don't want to say that Tony was a loser, but his son figured he would rather go out like Michael Hutchence rather than endure another one of Dungy's playoff chokes.

I know Tony hates the gays, but if Rex Grossman ever asked him for a sexual favor, he'd better hit his knees like it was midnight mass. Peyton Manning says that giving a man a oral sex is fine as long as you think about hot chicks. Or your mother. (Forgive Gomer, was raised in the South.)

And really, how upset can Tony be with a little man-on-man action? He's been blown by Peter King for years.

Joe Buck's here. I swear, he does a great job of announcing a game. It's not easy trying to see the field when you have Troy Aikman's balls on your chin. No wonder Joe's starting to catch up to Troy in the concussion department.

How come Jon Gruden hasn't been hired by the Colts already? Nobody has done more with sloppy seconds until Tony Romo started dating Jessica Simpson.

Ladies and Gentlemen from ESPN, I give you the Sports Dork, Bill Simpson. Or is it Simmons? Sorry, I've never heard of the guy. I like to read about sports.


Thank you for having me on The Hater Nation. This is a lot like the first time Razor Ramon showed up on WCW Nitro. Well, only if Razor was stealing WCW’s material for years. And I figure that if I do this roast, your readers might like me. It’s worked before.

I was recently the Lucky Pierre with my pals Jimmy and Ace (if that's too subtle, I mean Jimmy Kimmel and Adam Corola ... please love me), but not in a gay Brokeback Mountain way, but rather a manly, healthy Schillinger / Beecher from Oz way when the subject of Tony Dungy came up. I had been trying to illustrate Tony's feelings of the gays for my buddies Hench and Bug and the only way I could explain this was this:

Dungy hates the gay the way John Lithgow’s character hated dancing in the movie Footloose. But in the end, Lithgow eventually embraced dancing and I think there is someday going to be a point where Dungy will be watching a gay marriage held in a factory that had been redone by a bunch of high school kids, just like in the movie and he will accept it. There will even be a lesbian who looks like Chris Penn, unable to dance, and all will be right with the world.

Dungy was the ultimate choke artist, but his owners believed in him, much like Mr. Miyagi believed in Daniel San in the Karate Kid. I still believe the ending of Karate Kid was more believable than the Colts win over the Falcons in Super Bowl XXVI. NFL commissioner Roger Godall views the Patriots like Billy Zabka, while he viewed the Colts like Elizabeth Shue, pre-anal rape scene in Leaving Las Vegas. I’m convinced that Goodwell went into the Patriots locker room during the 2001 AFC Championship Game that the Colts won and threatened to monopolize the world’s coffee crop like the plot in Superman III. And Bill Belichick, being addicted to Dunkin Donuts like all of us Southies, had to relent. Who can blame him though? I love coffee so much, I walked out of a decisive Red Sox playoff game to get some joe.

Of course, it figures that Manning's only Super Bowl win would come when Daunte Culpepper was the opposing quarterback. Manning is still no Tom Brady, even though Manning braved his knee injury while Brady went into hiding this year. At least he can cuddle up with a pile of his Super Bowl MVP DVDs to sleep on.

Godspeed Tony. I only hope you don’t end up like that dad in the movie Heathers. Oops, too late.

Thank you, Bill. I heard that you are considering leaving ESPN. If that happens, I believe that your post-ESPN career will rival that of Ralph Wiley's.

Have you noticed that Bill Simmons has now cornered the market on lazy journalism? His worth ethic makes Johnny Carson in his final years of the Tonight Show look like Elizabeth Banks.

And who decided to give this douche nozzle a podcast? He sounds like Jerry trying to sing Jefferson Airplane.

Congratulations on your football picks this year, Simmons. You finally beat your wife, the Sports Hag. A gal whose only talent in life is laying on her back and taking gravity hits off a bong. A gal who proves that marijuana does not kill reproductive organs, though we all wish it would have.

Hey, he's the one who made his wife a celebrity, not me.

And speaking of people who should never reproduce, here's Jack Buck.


I have to admit that I will never be half the man that Tony Dungy is. I often wish I could have been more like Tony Dungy, whereas I could get my kid to kill himself. Honestly, are there any of you out there that actually enjoy what my son does?

He's like a sober version of Pat Summeral.

I tell you people, if I had to do it all again, I would have pushed Joe's mother down a flight of stairs. Or taken her to the dry cleaners.

I had no idea, I swear.

Tony Dungy was a perfect coach for a bland, white-bread city like Indianapolis. Dungy had the sideline demeanor of Terry Schiavo. Only without the enthusiasm.

I don't want to say that Tony Dungy lacked charisma, but he made me look like Michael J. Fox on a Red Bull bender.

How ironic that for Indianapolis to embrace an African-American coach, they had the whitest version they could find and only turned to Dungy after Bryant Gumbel turned them down.

Indianapolis should get down on its hands and knees (not in the way Tony hates) and thank the Lord for the existence of St. Louis. Otherwise, Indianapolis would have to wear the title of worst sports town in America. But still Indianapolis is a (expletive) hole. And that's not really fair to just plain (expletive) holes out there. Indianapolis is the (expletive) hole of an obese man who died while he was trying to pass the five steak and egg burritos from Del Taco.

If Indianapolis was it's own nation, it would be a fourth-world country. Ethiopia would be sending you guys wheat. Be glad your team-stealing (expletive) hole won something at all. Now go back to sucking.

Thank you, Jack. You continue to be an inspiration to us all.

I saw that there was an Ethiopian restaurant on Fairfax the other day. What exactly do they serve there? Tumbleweeds? Maybe a bag of flour with a U.S. flag on it. I'm all for trying something different, but how many different ways can you serve marinated dirt? Is the food served by a bunch of children with bloated stomachs who have to balance a tray while swatting away flies? Does Sally Struthers run up and eat all of your food before you get a chance to?

I saw Chris Benoit in the audience. I heard that he would have killed to be here tonight.

Tony, Chris Benoit had a message for you, "How's it hanging?"

That's sick on two levels.

Have you ever noticed when Al Qaeda releases a video, the new media turns into an MTV JV? Coming up at 8 p.m. tonight, Osama Bin Laden and Grand Funk Taliban will release a video to their new hit, “We’re an Afghanistan Band.”

And tune in later for Al Qaeda’s new reality series, “Making the Bomb.”

Here’s one thing I never understood about Al Qaeda. Instead of recruiting suicide bombers made up of young men, why not recruit the terminally ill?

I hear that Obama is thinking of closing Guantanamo Bay. Why not make it a reality series like Survivor? Maybe you can round up 17 detainees and have them go to tribal counsel each week and vote out the one least willing to perform Jihad.

Anyway, give it up for Osama Bin Laden. Via video, of course.

Thank you for having me you infidel swine. I long for the day when my Jihad will seek vengeance on your ungrateful infidels. I hope to see your blood flow like rivers for seeing the world differently than I do. In other words, it will be a lot like going to a Raiders game.

True story, when one of my suicide bombers died heroically, one of the virgins he received was Eli Manning.

I too look at Eli as the Messiah because he’s brought more harm to that city that I could ever imagine. Huge fan.

I am also a huge fan of infidel Tony Dungy. When you think of a charismatic figure using soft-spoken leadership and hateful religious rhetoric to convince young men to put their bodies in harms way – well, there is not a whole lot of difference between Tony and me.

Bin Laden people! Don't go soft on us yet.

PART II (coming soon with Kordell Stewart, Lil' Hater and McLean Stevenson).

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Wait, who's going to the Pro Bowl?

Brett Favre will not be going to the Pro Bowl. Favre turning down the Pro Bowl is a foregone conclusion every season ... much like Gomer and Donovan McManning losing in the playoffs. So when Favre turned down his invitation, the AFC was quick to put in a suitable replacement.

Kerry Collins. Kerry Freaking Collins.

The NFL's top-rated passer will not be going to the Pro Bowl this season. Maybe Philip Rivers should start losing in his team's first playoff game in order to get some respect. So again, to recap, the quarterbacks going to the Pro Bowl: Gomer (whom the Chargers beat), Jay Cutler (whose team didn't even make the playoffs after losing to the Chargers) and Collins (who would have been eliminated from the playoffs if the Dolphins could have held serve).


Your NFL MVP Update

Lost in all of the excitement of the league's true MVP guiding his team to the Super Bowl, Gomer was participating in some "lickoff" with his brother Eli. The two brothers were facing another pair of famed siblings, the Williams brothers for some promotion for some company. Really Gomer, there are so many now, it's hard to keep track. Not to say that you do a lot of ads, but Bill Cosby thinks you might be overexposed.

And if this was some sort of "playoff," we don't have to guess who won.

Gomer's participation in such an event -- during championship weekend -- is a fitting snapshot of his career. Gomer's best postseason performances have come during television ads, instead of on the football field.

Oh well, I hope he took the advice of his own Visa commercial and stayed that extra night in San Diego after getting eliminated from the playoffs. The weather out here is sweet.

Monday, January 19, 2009

The Post Mortem

If you don’t want to read the words of a grown man’s irrational love of a sports figure, then you might want to stay away from The Hater Nation for the next couple of weeks.

And really, don’t try to figure it out, either.

But as stated before the game, when you looked at this thing rationally, who would you want as your quarterback … Kurt Warner or Donovan McNabb? Of course, Larry Fitzgerald doesn’t hurt, either. But the bottom line, do you go with one of the great winners of all-time, or the fifth Manning brother (did you forget about J.J?)? The choice was pretty simple.

When the game was on the line, KWM was driving his team to the Super Bowl. McManning was throwing the ball about 10 feet behind Kevin Curtis.

Warner cemented his Hall of Fame status. His story will seem fake in 20 years. When you watch that inevitable NFL Films retrospective of his career, it won’t seem real. And thinking of things that are not real, the Cardinals are in the Super Bowl. Two playoff wins in 61 years, and now one win away from the NFL’s ultimate prize. Truly unbelievable.

Although, this was the Cardinals and you knew they weren’t going to make things easy. Even with all of the good fortune in the first half, you knew that the Birds were going to have to score at least one touchdown in the second half. Even with the offense shuttered in the third quarter. And really, the old Cardinals would have folded. They would have found a way to lose. But Cardinals are not who we thought they were and rallied for the win with a touchdown drive that was very machine-like.

  • Unbelievable scene for the game, our bar was all-Cardinals. If there were any Eagles fans there, they were pretty silent. The only cheering you heard during an Eagles’ score was from the guy who had “the cup.” Great atmosphere and great time at Benny's Bullpen.
  • The NFL dodged another referee blunder as the Birds were robbed on a pooch kick. Another whistle blowing the play dead, and an “unreviewable” play. The NFL is really lucky that is being swept under the rug. I don’t know what the solution is, but this situation is getting out of hand.
  • Seriously, who are the Birds playing in the Super Bowl? The Steelers. Awesome.
  • Next time Eagles, maybe you should win the game before you do all of your mugging. Good lord, Eagles. You've lost three of these things before. Maybe you shouldn't celebrate early. Honestly, it was hard to believe that the Eagles were acting like that. Makes it even sweeter that they lost.
  • That late hit on Warner by that Eagles jackass illustrated the frustration that Philly must have been feeling. Though, he was hitting the wrong quarterback. Again, Karma is a female dog.

Bad news for the NFL. Looks like Pat Tillman is going to be a topic of conversation for a couple of weeks. That’s unfortunate. Hopefully Cris Collinsworth will hit them over the head with the Tillman story.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

The Weak Ender

If you are a worthless heiress who has never earned a dime to your name, who is the one athlete you would want to hook up with? No, Matt Leinart is a good guess, but Paris Hilton has been there, done that.

No, hooking up with Barry Zito makes much more sense. Though recently, Hilton has claimed to be pretty chaste, saying that the number of men she's slept with rivals the number of wins that Zito has earned since joining the Giants. And now that Alyssia Milano is giving up baseball players for the time being, it only makes sense that Hilton would move into this territory.

But enough about baseball, we have some football games to talk about.

Bad news for the Birds -- people are starting to respect them. There are even people such as Sterling Sharpe who are picking the Birds to beat the Eagles this week. That's just not cool.

Sure, the Cardinals are four-point dogs, but people are starting to believe in the Cardinals. And that's scary. Once people start believing in the Cardinals, the bad things start to happen. Wouldn't that just be Cardinals-like to whip the state of Arizona into a frenzy and then lay the ultimate egg?

That has to be what a lot of Eagles fans are betting on. Too many of them remember that Thanksgiving night game. Though, none of them saw it because it was buried on NFL Network.

But let's think about this thing rationally. This is Donovan McNabb and Andy Reid we are talking about. Pundits have mentioned that the duo have made the NFC Championship Game five times.

And they are saying it like it's a good thing.

They forget that the Eagles are 1-3 in those games. In fact, it was the Kurt Warner Machine knocking off the Eagles in the 2001 NFC Championship Game. The Eagles also lost at home to Brad Johnson and the Buccaneers in 2002, and lost to Jake Delhomme and the Panthers in 2003. Wait, where was Delhomme making news recently? Oh yeah, he was throwing a bunch of passes to the Cardinals defenders.

Yeah, that's an impressive list.

When you get down to it, who do you trust more in this game? Former two-time and Super Bowl MVP Kurt Warner? Or McNabb?

KWM seems like a slam dunk, but consider that two of the NFL's biggest losers have won Super Bowls in consecutive years. And McNabb fits the mold so well, you have to believe that Archie Manning might have been hitting some Nubian princess. So many trends, here.

But we can't bail on the bandwagon now. Pick: Birds

(Would a KWM jersey be inappropriate for this weekend?)

Let's cut to the chase here, the AFC Championship Game isn't going to be close. And here's why. Raven hasn't had a bye since Week 2. The NFL really (expletive) the bed here by pushing Baltimore and Houston's bye week up because of that hurricane. They should have made them play some other week. Sure, they didn't think that Raven was going to advance to the AFC Championship Game, but still.

Maurice Jones-Drew did an interview recently and said that playing all of those consecutive weeks really does take a toll. He also says that beating a team three times is hard, but Raven seems to be on their last legs.

You get the feeling that if Chris Johnson hadn't gotten hurt, or if the Titans could have held on to the ball, they would have won. The Steelers aren't going to have that problem. This game is going to be a runaway. Pick: Steelers

  • If the Cardinals plays the Steelers in the Super Bowl, the biggest storyline would be the 1944 Card-Pitt team that was forced to join forces during World War II. What?
  • The Cowboys have been rumored to be cutting Terrell Owens. They aren't going to take the cap hit. Not when 2010 looks like an uncapped year. Keep dreaming.
  • The Chiefs should really consider keeping Tyler Thigpen. He put up great numbers with that lousy offense. For some reason, Matt Cassel just screams of Scott Mitchell and Matt Schaub.
  • Mark Sanchez made the right call leaving USC for the NFL. Cassel showed that just sitting on the bench is good enough. Plus, you don't know how long Sanchez can refrain from sexually assualting a chick again. NFL teams will let that slide when you are employed by them, but they won't draft you. Hey, Sanchez knows himself better than anybody else. And really, he's being mentored by Leinart. Do you think he regrets staying in school for the extra year? Sanchez is going to get his degree this spring and it's time for him to get paid.
  • You have to dig Pete Carroll's candor, saying that it was a mistake for Sanchez. How does that make Dave Mustaine and Aaron Corp feel right now? (I know, Foo. Google him.)

The dais for the Tony Dungy Roast is starting to fill up. Clear you schedule next week. The Post Mortem will be up a little bit later on Monday because of travel and look for the roast to kick out Tuesday or Wednesday. Scheduled to perform: Lil' Hater, Bucky, Jack Buck, maybe Bain, maybe the Hatriot.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Eli Admits: I Suck Without Plaxico

The New York media pressed Eli Messiah today and asked him if he would welcome Plaxico Burress back to the team. But the question is leading. Like if you would ask any dude if he would welcome a back rub from Kelly Monaco.

Which, incidentally, Eli declined.

The point is, what do you expect Eli to say in that situation? Hey Eli, do you want to go back to winning and not sucking, or would you rather continue to be exposed as a bad quarterback? The answer is pretty simple.

What is amusing is that everybody is just figuring out right now that Eli is nothing without Burress. The media is standing there with that befuddled look, similar to the look Terry Benedict had once he realized how Ocean's 11 ripped off his casino. Did the field say Super Bowl XLII? It was staged. It was a tape. I want you to find out how they hacked into my system and made me believe that Eli was a good quarterback!

Honestly people, am I the only one who watches football? At least the only one watching football without Archie Manning's rose-colored glasses. Eli's success was obviously tied to Burress.

But instead of being pissed, maybe it's time to rejoice now that you have all finally come to that conclusion.

Still, the Giants are a class organization. Sure, the owner's daughter participated in a threesome on Nip/Tuck, but other than that, pure class. So you almost feel that the Giants will be willing to let Eli continue to suck, while holding on to their principles and letting Burress rot.

Monday, January 12, 2009

The Quiet Bigot Steps Down

The Hater Nation has never been quite about it's stance on Tony Dungy. And to be honest, Dungy is just a misguided bigot. He's nearly harmless. Honestly, who cares if a football coach is homophobic?

The most troubling thing is the way the media has chosen to portray Dungy. The infallible Dungy is never questioned on his remarks about homosexuals. The media doesn't want to challenge him because Dungy never raises his voice, never makes the media insignificant. And quite frankly, that's appalling. Dungy is given a free pass to engage in hateful rhetoric because the media likes his soft-spoken personality.

Hopefully Dungy will hold true to his word and he won't come back. The NFL is better off without him.

On that note, the THN Roast of Tony Dungy is coming next week!

Sunday, January 11, 2009

The Post Mortem

During an NFL season that has been filled with the unbelievable, the unimaginable happened during this weekend’s playoffs.

The Pittsburgh Steelers actually won a home playoff game.

It has been that kind of year in the NFL. The Steelers haven’t seemingly won a home playoff game since Jack Lambert had teeth. But the ball certainly bounced their way on Sunday. Honestly, when the ball falls out of the sky and hits your blocker in the head, well, that is going to be your day.

And sure, the Steelers player pretty well against the Chargers. They opened the second half with an impressive scoring drive. The Chargers answered with an impressive kickoff return by Darren Sproles. But on the next play, deflection, interception, ball game. Hard to win a game when you run only one offensive play in the third quarter.

But let's not focus on the negative. The Chargers aren't as good as we thought they were, and probably never will be as long as Norv Turner is in charge.

But San Diego did keep the Patriots out of the playoffs, ended Mike Shanahan's career in Denver and ended Gomer's season. That's almost better than a Super Bowl title right there. That's like the NFL version of falling on the grenade. The Chargers sacrificed for you ... show some respect.

The Kurt Warner Machine once again proved the doubters wrong. With only The Hater Nation believing in the Cardinals, the team came up big. In fact, THN was the only online entity to believe that the Cardinals would be hosting the NFC Championship Game.

Has the media learned it's lesson about the Cardinals or will they spend the week harping on the Eagles' lopsided win on Thanksgiving? Yeah, what do you think? Not that any of you saw that game, because it was on NFL Network.

The Cardinals were certainly outplayed in that game. It was a cold Thanksgiving night in Philadelphia. People who live in Philadelphia don't want to be in Philadelphia, let alone a team that had already wrapped up its division. The Eagles had everything to play for that night, the Cardinals not so much as they had already assured themselves of winning the NFC West.

But that's cool.

The Cardinals have done the impossible this season. They won the division and actually hosted a playoff game. The Cardinals went to the East Coast and won without Anquan Boldin. So when the nation backs the Eagles this week, you have to imagine that’s just the way the Cardinals want it.

Eli Messiah's run as a legitimate NFL quarterback has mercifully come to an end. Or as Lil' Hater so eloquently put it, "Our two-year national nightmare has come to an end." But only if one of those errant Eli throws could have taken out Joe Buck.

Messiah can now rightfully take his place with Brad Johnson, Trent Dilfer and Jeff Hostetler as average quarterbacks who have managed to win a Super Bowl. The Messiah has a ring, and you can never take it from him. The media voted him Super Bowl MVP because of his family name. But never again, will we ever have to hear that the Messiah is anything but an average quarterback. He's been exposed. Even the most ardent Giants fan will have to admit that Eli will never be an elite quarterback. He's just not.

And did you notice the look on Eli's face during the game? He had that, "How long is my daddy going to make me play this game look," like some uncoordinated kid playing rec league hockey while his dad lives out some sports fantasy. Eli, you are a grown man. You can retire now. You don't have to fake an injury like your brother, Cooper.

But hey, when you combine Eli's "Welcome home" party with Gomer's traditional early exit, well, life is good. Today is like an Irish Wake. Time to celebrate what's good in the NFL.

  • Awesome part of the Giants game: Coach Tom Coughlin challenged the spot of the ball in the fourth quarter. Referee Mike Carey went under the hood and when he returned, offered this explanation: "The call on the field was correct." As if Carey was pissed that he was even challenged on the spot. Yes, how dare you Coughlin. But when you're the Giants, and you get all of the calls going your way, you can't blame Coughlin for being stunned when his team isn't given the benefit of the doubt.
  • Now that the Giants are eliminated, the Ravens look to become the second team in NFL history to win a Super Bowl despite its quarterback.
  • Kind of torn on Donovan McNabb's phone call on the Giants sideline. Not really, it was awesome. Honestly, would we all be giving him a free pass if it was any other team he did that against? But doing it against the Giants makes it seem so right.
  • There's a lot being made of McNabb making his fifth NFC Championship Game. People realize that he's won only one of those games, right? The Eagles had Tampa Bay at home and lost. They lost to Jake Delhomme and the Panthers. He's not losing to Jim Kelly's Bills or John Elway's Broncos. He's lost to Brad Johnson and Delhomme. Why are people making this out to be a good thing for McNabb?
  • Oh yeah, that other quarterback he lost to in an NFC Championship Game? KWM.
  • Joe Flacco ... 60 minutes from the Super Bowl. The true bummer of the Super Bowl is that the Ravens or Steelers are going to make it. The Chargers and Cardinals would have had the best Super Bowl ever, or at least the highest scoring.

Kenny Albert and Daryl Johnston are so superior in terms of broadcasting, nobody noticed that the No. 2 team got the prime time game on Saturday night. Buck and Troy Aikman called a game most of you probably slept through.

Thursday, January 08, 2009

The Weak Ender

Bad news boys, Alyssa Milano is off the market and as such, she will be retired as a Weak Ender Girl. But some good news passed along by our friend, EB, Jennifer Love Hewitt called off her wedding. That's good news, right?

Let’s just get to the games, shall we?

Raven at Titans
NFL fans can no longer deride soccer for being boring. Not when Raven and the Titans will be playing on Saturday. Honestly, if forced to pick between a trip to Bed, Bath & Beyond or watching the Raven vs. Titans tilt, you can find me at the Snuggie display. I’ll even go over to the Macaroni Grill for some appletinis first, too, while downloading some Erasure to my iPod. There is no chance that I’ll watch this game that features Joe Flacco vs. Kerry Collins.

No offense to either quarterback. But do you think that Baltimore or Tennessee will trust its quarterback to throw the ball downfield? Not a chance. Three runs and a punt, hope that somebody can make a play on special teams or defense.

And who has the best play maker on defense? Raven. Ed Reed has been sick this week. No, he literally has an illness. But he’s going to play and he will be the difference. Pick: Raven

Birds at Panthers
The Panthers have made pretty deep runs into the playoffs in the team’s two previous playoff appearances under John Fox. While his teams have a tendency to fold during the regular season following a playoff appearance, they are pretty deadly during the playoffs. In fact, they probably would have beaten Seattle in the 2005 NFC Championship Game if they didn’t lose so many running backs and were forced to go with Brad Hoover.

And that reminds me. The Panthers typically lead the NFL in season-crippling injuries. And they’ve had none this year, meaning they are due. Like really due. Like Scott Baio going crazy at the end of Zapped kind of mishaps going on.

Look for one of the team buses to crash, taking out Julius Peppers. DeAngelo Williams will get runover by the mascot trolling around the stadium on a golf cart. Jake Delhomme’s elbow will just disintegrate during warmups. Steve Smith will slip in the locker room. Pick: Birds

Eagles at Giants
At least they are jamming the boring games in the morning. A lot of people are drawing comparisons of the Eagles run to what the Giants did last year. And there’s some truth there.

Like the Giants, the Eagles are hoping that a strong defense, strong running game and loser quarterback can lead to a Super Bowl title. After watching Gomer and the Messiah win undeserving Super Bowl MVP awards, you really have to like McNabbs chances. Pick: Eagles

Chargers at Steelers
Bad news for the Steelers, LaDainian Tomlinson isn’t playing. That means the Chargers won’t have to invest a few series and carries to convince LT he isn’t the player he was two years ago. Instead, you will get a steady dose of Darren Sproles.

Can you imagine that guy running into you at dangerously high speeds?

The Chargers can get its offense rolling right from the beginning. They don't need to do much, about nine points should be able to hold off the Steelers.

Plus the Steelers were long at a home-field disadvantage during the playoffs under Bill Cowher. And it looks like Mike Tomlin is carrying on the tradition. The warm-weather Jaguars went to Pittsburgh last season and beat them in an AFC Wild Card Game. Pick: Chargers.

  • All four teams are underdogs, too, so take them with the points for some sure money. If these picks played out, the Chargers and Cardinals would be hosting the AFC and NFC Championship Games.

One of the d-bag announcers on the BCS third-place game on Thursday night had this to say: "Spend five minutes with Tim Tebow and your life will be better for it."

Shouldn't you buy him dinner first? Wow, you thought the hyperbole was spread thick for Gomer or Brett Favre. You would think that Tebow was settling the peace between Israel and Hamas. In fact, I turned the game off at that moment and never watched another minute, choosing Hannity and Colmes instead to be less pissed off.

BTW, Utah would have crushed either of those teams. USC, too.

Wednesday, January 07, 2009

Vlade Divac's Son Plays Basketball

Some have called this the worst airball ever. Dude, Vlade Divac's airball against the Suns in the playoffs back in the early 1990s was the worst. (Maybe 1994?) Am I the only one who remembers that? Can't find it on YouTube, though.

Assist to With Lethur.

Moron Gomer

Sorry, that should read, more on Gomer. My bad. But found this interesting tidbit on the Jaguars team site. No seriously, I can't explain why I was on the Jags' team site, but thankfully I was. Sometimes you find the best gems. Normally, team sites are filled with Titleist washers, pushing the agenda of the team. Not this time. Vic Ketchman really unloaded on Gomer. So much so, he has an open invitation to join The Hater Nation.

What is it with you Peyton Manning apologists? He was nearly intercepted four times and three of those should've been intercepted and returned for touchdowns. The only play he made in the second half was catching the Chargers off guard and lobbing a touchdown pass to an uncovered receiver. In his last four possessions, with the game on the line and the Colts only needing one more score to clinch the win, Manning managed a total of 20 plays for 38 net yards. Hey, that's crunch time, baby. A day after he wins the league MVP, he gags with the game on the line and does his usual one-and-done routine. When are you people gonna get off your knees? The guy is 7-8 in career postseason games and six times he's lost in the first playoff game of that year's postseason; three times in the last four years. Manning did not do his job. His job is to win. His job is to get it done at crunch time.

A High Life tallboy is in it for the first person who sends a question to Vic about Tony Dungy and gets it answered.

Tuesday, January 06, 2009

Solution for Big Ten

How many couches are burning in Columbus last night following Ohio State's narrow loss? After being humiliated in its most recent BCS appearances, losing in the final moments had to be a nice relief to Ohio State. Although, it would have been fitting if Ohio State had been the beneficiary of another controversial pass interference call late in a BCS game to win.

But it was not to be.

However, something needs to be done about the Big Ten. They aren't in danger of losing their automatic BCS bowl bid. At least not yet. But voters should take it upon themselves to rectify this situation by refusing to put any Big Ten team in the preseason Top 25. They no longer have that right.

But that's just a dream. We know that Ohio State will start next season in the AP Top 25. They will likely lose at home to USC, fall only a few slots and then be right there at the top of the miserable Big Ten to once again ruin the BCS Championship Game. It's going to happen, whether you like it or not.

The voters can stop this though, but keeping the Big Ten out of the preseason Top 25. And that is going to be The Hater Nation's cause for 2009.

Monday, January 05, 2009

The Post Mortem

Not sure if there has been a more perfect weekend of football, but this was pretty close.

The Quiet Stench of Tony Dungy strikes again. If this was indeed Dungy's final game as an NFL coach, this was a fitting outcome. The Colts came to San Diego riding high on a nine-game winning streak, expectations of another Super Bowl berth looming large and the season ends -- once again -- with the ultimate failure.

Watching Dungy with that stupid smirk on his face as his team again failed in the clutch was a fitting final snapshot for one of the biggest hucksters in NFL history.

Dungy will now enjoy the platitudes of the media that he has snowed for years. He will once again play the "will he or won't he" card again, a media-whoring practice that has gone on so long that even Brett Favre himself has to be impressed. What's sad is that when Dungy does retire, you can bet that morons like Peter King and other Dungy enablers will try to paint him as a Hall of Fame coach. A notion that isn't as laughable as it is sad. The only thing worse than is record on civil rights, is his playoff record.

Saturday's loss was classic Colts. You know those Burger King commercials where they find people living in remote villages to do a taste test? If the NFL wanted to ever show the quintessential Tony Dungy/Gomer choke job to remote villagers in Tibet, Saturday's loss was it.

A lot of Colts fans might lament the bad calls in overtime. Or maybe the unjustness of NFL overtime. I tried to change the overtime rules, but you laughed. But none of that should have mattered. The Colts had a chance to close the game on a third-and-2, but Gomer does what he always does -- he folded. Gomer was sacked by Tim Dobbins and the rest was history.

Turns out that Gomer's underserved MVP award couldn't get him the first down. Hopefully those idiots who voted Gomer for MVP saw that play (along with the rest of the game) and are ashamed of themselves today. Sure, it's a regular season award. But come on, if you didn't see this coming, you don't deserve a vote.

  • If Dungy does retire, he said that he wants to work “hands-on” with young men. Well, that certainly explains a lot. Let’s just say watch your foot if you are in the stall next to Dungy while you are visiting the airport.
  • Hey Gomer, get a haircut. Worst. Stoyline. Ever.

  • Can somebody explain how Philip Rivers didn’t get voted to the Pro Bowl? Not that it will matter because Favre isn’t going to Hawaii. Maybe Rivers should try choking in big games and making goofy commercials. Because clearly, being a better quarterback than Gomer isn’t getting him the recognition that he deserves. Too bad he doesn’t have an annoying twit brother playing in the NFL, or an overbearing father to really push him over the top.
  • Colts fans must hate losing to the Chargers in the playoffs every year. But it really must burn seeing that they continue to do it without their star players. Not that Darren Sproles isn't a star. But come on, he's not LaDainian Tomlinson in his prime. And neither is L.T. anymore.
  • Eddie Guns was doing a game this weekend? And, if TV is to be believed, Eddie's crew was the highest-rated referee crew going. How awful has NFL officiating become? And even if Eddie's crew was good, you can't let them do a playoff game. Not this year. And not unless they were going to do the Chargers game. But -- and I could be wrong -- that should be it for that crew in the playoffs.

True champions make the plays when they need to. Gomer couldn’t convert a third-and-2 with his season on the line. But the Kurt Warner Machine picked up a big third-and-16 with the Cardinals clinging to a 6-point lead.

Remind me, who was the league’s most valuable player?

Actually, the Cardinals were playing to win the game. The Colts don’t roll that way. That explains why the Cardinals will still be playing this weekend.

That and the Cardinals defense. Seriously, what got into the Cardinals defense? You had to wonder if Matt Ryan was giving his snap counts to the Cardinals defensive line instead of his own. And really Matt, try mixing in a hard count next time. That was the difference. The rookie quarterback and rookie coach were exposed by the Cardinals and their coaching staff.

And good news for Arizona, Carolina isn’t exactly a well-coached team.

The Cardinals celebrated like they had won the Super Bowl after wrapping up the division earlier this year. But they seemed more business like this time around. Could the Cardinals actually be growing up? Hey, nobody expected them to win this game, they certainly have a good shot against the Panthers.
  • Matty Ice. Worst. Nickname. Ever. But much better than, Matty "I ruined my brother's college career by running into a tanker truck" Ice.

Utah has rendered the BCS title game meaningless. Sorry Florida and Oklahoma, you are playing for second place. The only logical conclusion from the Sugar Bowl is that Utah is the best team in the national, and really, it’s not close.

Some can claim that Alabama is overrated. Whatever that means. The Crimson Tide entered the game 12-1, and were the top-ranked team for six weeks. They were barely beaten by Florida in the SEC championship game, and that’s good enough for me.

Utah is undefeated, beat four ranked teams and embarrassed the No. 2 team from the alleged best conference in football. Case closed.

And for the record, the Mountain West needs to be included in the BCS rotation. Big Ten, ACC or Big East … it doesn’t matter who you want to exclude, but the Mountain West has earned its place as an automatic BCS qualifier.

How great would a game between USC and Utah be right now?

There were a couple of NFL games on Sunday, but they really couldn’t compare to Saturday’s games. And that’s the thing about the postseason. Having those Saturday night primetime playoff games is awesome. I read somebody complaining about those games because they said, “Saturdays are for going out and hanging out with their friends.”

And your friends don’t like football on Saturday night? That’s not the type of people that I would like to hang out with. Losers.

Saturday, January 03, 2009

Wild Card Picks

Don't know why I even bothered to go on record here. You probably want to picks of Reader Matt P. -- winner of the Gridiron Apocalypse 11. And really, the first two should come as no surprise. Raven is a slam dunk, and hell, no real insight into Philadelphia. Just a gut call.

Thursday, January 01, 2009

Big Ten Does It Again

Congratulations to Ohio State, because it would take an awfully savage beating to try to come close to the embarrassment that Penn State suffered in the Rose Bowl. Maybe now, Big Ten will finally have to admit that USC is pretty good at football. You can no longer hide behind the excuse that USC has excelled against the No. 2 team in the Big Ten. USC played the conference's best, and there was no doubt.

Of course, you can still try to spin it that Penn State wasn't as good as some recent Ohio State teams. But you've run out of excuses. Time for the Big Ten to lose it's automatic BCS berth. Not to mention, multiple BCS bids. That should never happen again. (Even if Ohio State miracles a win over Texas.)

Not sure if you notice, either, but the morbid Pac-10 went undefeated during the bowl season. Sometimes, it's not how you start, but how you finish. The Pac-10 took some lumps early this season, but finished pretty well.