Thursday, January 08, 2009

The Weak Ender

Bad news boys, Alyssa Milano is off the market and as such, she will be retired as a Weak Ender Girl. But some good news passed along by our friend, EB, Jennifer Love Hewitt called off her wedding. That's good news, right?

Let’s just get to the games, shall we?

Raven at Titans
NFL fans can no longer deride soccer for being boring. Not when Raven and the Titans will be playing on Saturday. Honestly, if forced to pick between a trip to Bed, Bath & Beyond or watching the Raven vs. Titans tilt, you can find me at the Snuggie display. I’ll even go over to the Macaroni Grill for some appletinis first, too, while downloading some Erasure to my iPod. There is no chance that I’ll watch this game that features Joe Flacco vs. Kerry Collins.

No offense to either quarterback. But do you think that Baltimore or Tennessee will trust its quarterback to throw the ball downfield? Not a chance. Three runs and a punt, hope that somebody can make a play on special teams or defense.

And who has the best play maker on defense? Raven. Ed Reed has been sick this week. No, he literally has an illness. But he’s going to play and he will be the difference. Pick: Raven

Birds at Panthers
The Panthers have made pretty deep runs into the playoffs in the team’s two previous playoff appearances under John Fox. While his teams have a tendency to fold during the regular season following a playoff appearance, they are pretty deadly during the playoffs. In fact, they probably would have beaten Seattle in the 2005 NFC Championship Game if they didn’t lose so many running backs and were forced to go with Brad Hoover.

And that reminds me. The Panthers typically lead the NFL in season-crippling injuries. And they’ve had none this year, meaning they are due. Like really due. Like Scott Baio going crazy at the end of Zapped kind of mishaps going on.

Look for one of the team buses to crash, taking out Julius Peppers. DeAngelo Williams will get runover by the mascot trolling around the stadium on a golf cart. Jake Delhomme’s elbow will just disintegrate during warmups. Steve Smith will slip in the locker room. Pick: Birds

Eagles at Giants
At least they are jamming the boring games in the morning. A lot of people are drawing comparisons of the Eagles run to what the Giants did last year. And there’s some truth there.

Like the Giants, the Eagles are hoping that a strong defense, strong running game and loser quarterback can lead to a Super Bowl title. After watching Gomer and the Messiah win undeserving Super Bowl MVP awards, you really have to like McNabbs chances. Pick: Eagles

Chargers at Steelers
Bad news for the Steelers, LaDainian Tomlinson isn’t playing. That means the Chargers won’t have to invest a few series and carries to convince LT he isn’t the player he was two years ago. Instead, you will get a steady dose of Darren Sproles.

Can you imagine that guy running into you at dangerously high speeds?

The Chargers can get its offense rolling right from the beginning. They don't need to do much, about nine points should be able to hold off the Steelers.

Plus the Steelers were long at a home-field disadvantage during the playoffs under Bill Cowher. And it looks like Mike Tomlin is carrying on the tradition. The warm-weather Jaguars went to Pittsburgh last season and beat them in an AFC Wild Card Game. Pick: Chargers.

  • All four teams are underdogs, too, so take them with the points for some sure money. If these picks played out, the Chargers and Cardinals would be hosting the AFC and NFC Championship Games.

One of the d-bag announcers on the BCS third-place game on Thursday night had this to say: "Spend five minutes with Tim Tebow and your life will be better for it."

Shouldn't you buy him dinner first? Wow, you thought the hyperbole was spread thick for Gomer or Brett Favre. You would think that Tebow was settling the peace between Israel and Hamas. In fact, I turned the game off at that moment and never watched another minute, choosing Hannity and Colmes instead to be less pissed off.

BTW, Utah would have crushed either of those teams. USC, too.


Sun Devil said...

Oregon would have crushed either of those teams.

Oh and you're insane for picking the Cardinals, on the road, on the east coast. Try this: Panthers, Giants, Ravens, Steelers.

Is it baseball season yet?

DAWUSS said...

One question: Can we quit calling every formation where the RB lines up behind center in the shotgun the "Wildcat" formation? Call the formation what it is, and not attach it some new name because the RB has been subbed in for the QB.

Anonymous said...

Oregon, hahahahaha

seriously though, I'm sorry my Longhorns weren't there, they just didn't deserve to be (blasphemy I know). I'm officially on the Utah band wagon and demoting the Big 10 (now with 11 teams).

USC would have dominated both teams last night, as stated. USC looked f'in awesome against Penn St and just about everyone else. They should get out of the PAC-10 and join a real conference (sorry, it's true).

R.J. said...

I'm with you on all the NFL picks. This is going to be Upset Weekend. Book it.

And for the new Weekend Girl, I'd like to nominate Gemma Atkinson.

Diane said...

Great post today. You have pretty much described my Saturday, though I might skip the Erasure downloads.

WCT said...

"[USC] should get out of the PAC-10 and join a real conference

right, like, the Mountain West maybe?

Bokolis said...

Tebow doesn't put out.

THN said...

The Mountain West was the top football conference this year.

THN said...

AP voters agree, they love the BCS. There is a joke here about the Mormons in Utah dressing up as Indians and killing AP voters, but Utah isn't really a LDS school.

Kordell said...

Tebow doesn't put out.

He will.

Kyle said...

Jennifer Love Hewitt has some luscious snack trays.

Random said...

The Cards and old man Warner keep marching on by trashing the fraudulent Panthers. LUV IT. Especially after all the whining about how unfair the playoff rules were. Suck it you whiny little bitches.

Carolina needs to start looking at a new QB. I knew Delhomme was gonna cost them the season eventually but this was just pathetic.

How about them Ravens?

buckyor said...

Who were those guys in the white uniforms? And what did they do with the Arizona Cardinals?

Mrs. Bucky is a very happy Arizonan right now.

Sun Devil said...

What. The. Fuck.

Still hate the Bidwills. But damn, the tease continues. It did snow in Vegas earlier this year...perhaps the cold day in hell has occurred and the Cards can go to the Super Bowl. That'll keep me laughing all week.

lumps said...

I am wondering if Phatty will be decked out in Card's gear strolling down the aisles of the casino. I might break out my Cards gear from when the best coache ever helmed the team, Buddy Ryan.

Bain said...

I might break out my Cards gear from when the best coache ever helmed the team, Buddy Ryan.

Well, it sure wouldn't be the first time you shamelessly front-ran to board someone else's bandwagon.

sbabe said...

I'll have my Cards jersey on in Vegas, too!

Diane said...

The prospect of another Super Bowl broadcast with multiple shots of Brenda Warner in the stands wearing an ugly sweater is troubling.

Random said...

Brenda Warner is love.

I'm always reminded of a headline from The Onion with her picture and the caption that said "Wired-haired goblin seen rooting for Kurt Warner"

The anointment of Ellie Manning was better than Gomer may have been premature.

R.J. said...

Chin up, THN. We nearly called all four games on Upset Weekend.

If the Birds win the 'Bowl, I'll see you guys in Hades. I hear there's going to be a great pickup pond hockey game on the river Styx if that happens.