Hello ladies and gentlemen, welcome to The Hater Nation Roast of Tony Dungy. I am your host, Dean Martin, and I am happy that you are here. Honestly. I'm being paid by the visitor and unfortunately for me this site draws like a Mensa convention for Raiders fans.
Ladies and gentlemen, we are pleased to present our third ever THN Roast. But this is a roast people, meaning it's going to be mean-spirited and in poor taste. Even by THN's standards. So please, if you are easily offended, check us out next week. We've even invited a few guest, so the language could get a bit coarse.
You've been warned.
But enough about that. I'm thrilled to be here and let's talk about the man of the hour, Tony Dungy.
Tony Dungy may have retired from football, but now he has plenty of time to devote to "Smear the Queer."
That's right, we're coming out guns blazing. The speakers broadcasting today's roast are pointed up to the sky. No, not for God to hear, but rather so Tony can hear from his high horse.
They say that Tony Dungy has been tough on the gays. But not tough enough to give the prayer at Barack Obama's inauguration.
When it came to the playoffs, Tony Dungy has had more one-and-outs than the average 16-year-old on prom night.
Just trying to have a little fun here, folks.
I don't want to say that Tony was a loser, but his son figured he would rather go out like Michael Hutchence rather than endure another one of Dungy's playoff chokes.
I know Tony hates the gays, but if Rex Grossman ever asked him for a sexual favor, he'd better hit his knees like it was midnight mass. Peyton Manning says that giving a man a oral sex is fine as long as you think about hot chicks. Or your mother. (Forgive Gomer, was raised in the South.)
And really, how upset can Tony be with a little man-on-man action? He's been blown by Peter King for years.
Joe Buck's here. I swear, he does a great job of announcing a game. It's not easy trying to see the field when you have Troy Aikman's balls on your chin. No wonder Joe's starting to catch up to Troy in the concussion department.
How come Jon Gruden hasn't been hired by the Colts already? Nobody has done more with sloppy seconds until Tony Romo started dating Jessica Simpson.
Ladies and Gentlemen from ESPN, I give you the Sports Dork, Bill Simpson. Or is it Simmons? Sorry, I've never heard of the guy. I like to read about sports.
THE SPORTS DORK BILL SIMMONS
Thank you for having me on The Hater Nation. This is a lot like the first time Razor Ramon showed up on WCW Nitro. Well, only if Razor was stealing WCW’s material for years. And I figure that if I do this roast, your readers might like me. It’s worked before.
I was recently the Lucky Pierre with my pals Jimmy and Ace (if that's too subtle, I mean Jimmy Kimmel and Adam Corola ... please love me), but not in a gay Brokeback Mountain way, but rather a manly, healthy Schillinger / Beecher from Oz way when the subject of Tony Dungy came up. I had been trying to illustrate Tony's feelings of the gays for my buddies Hench and Bug and the only way I could explain this was this:
Dungy hates the gay the way John Lithgow’s character hated dancing in the movie Footloose. But in the end, Lithgow eventually embraced dancing and I think there is someday going to be a point where Dungy will be watching a gay marriage held in a factory that had been redone by a bunch of high school kids, just like in the movie and he will accept it. There will even be a lesbian who looks like Chris Penn, unable to dance, and all will be right with the world.
Dungy was the ultimate choke artist, but his owners believed in him, much like Mr. Miyagi believed in Daniel San in the Karate Kid. I still believe the ending of Karate Kid was more believable than the Colts win over the Falcons in Super Bowl XXVI. NFL commissioner Roger Godall views the Patriots like Billy Zabka, while he viewed the Colts like Elizabeth Shue, pre-anal rape scene in Leaving Las Vegas. I’m convinced that Goodwell went into the Patriots locker room during the 2001 AFC Championship Game that the Colts won and threatened to monopolize the world’s coffee crop like the plot in Superman III. And Bill Belichick, being addicted to Dunkin Donuts like all of us Southies, had to relent. Who can blame him though? I love coffee so much, I walked out of a decisive Red Sox playoff game to get some joe.
Of course, it figures that Manning's only Super Bowl win would come when Daunte Culpepper was the opposing quarterback. Manning is still no Tom Brady, even though Manning braved his knee injury while Brady went into hiding this year. At least he can cuddle up with a pile of his Super Bowl MVP DVDs to sleep on.
Godspeed Tony. I only hope you don’t end up like that dad in the movie Heathers. Oops, too late.
Thank you, Bill. I heard that you are considering leaving ESPN. If that happens, I believe that your post-ESPN career will rival that of Ralph Wiley's.
Have you noticed that Bill Simmons has now cornered the market on lazy journalism? His worth ethic makes Johnny Carson in his final years of the Tonight Show look like Elizabeth Banks.
And who decided to give this douche nozzle a podcast? He sounds like Jerry trying to sing Jefferson Airplane.
Congratulations on your football picks this year, Simmons. You finally beat your wife, the Sports Hag. A gal whose only talent in life is laying on her back and taking gravity hits off a bong. A gal who proves that marijuana does not kill reproductive organs, though we all wish it would have.
Hey, he's the one who made his wife a celebrity, not me.
And speaking of people who should never reproduce, here's Jack Buck.
I have to admit that I will never be half the man that Tony Dungy is. I often wish I could have been more like Tony Dungy, whereas I could get my kid to kill himself. Honestly, are there any of you out there that actually enjoy what my son does?
He's like a sober version of Pat Summeral.
I tell you people, if I had to do it all again, I would have pushed Joe's mother down a flight of stairs. Or taken her to the dry cleaners.
I had no idea, I swear.
Tony Dungy was a perfect coach for a bland, white-bread city like Indianapolis. Dungy had the sideline demeanor of Terry Schiavo. Only without the enthusiasm.
I don't want to say that Tony Dungy lacked charisma, but he made me look like Michael J. Fox on a Red Bull bender.
How ironic that for Indianapolis to embrace an African-American coach, they had the whitest version they could find and only turned to Dungy after Bryant Gumbel turned them down.
Indianapolis should get down on its hands and knees (not in the way Tony hates) and thank the Lord for the existence of St. Louis. Otherwise, Indianapolis would have to wear the title of worst sports town in America. But still Indianapolis is a (expletive) hole. And that's not really fair to just plain (expletive) holes out there. Indianapolis is the (expletive) hole of an obese man who died while he was trying to pass the five steak and egg burritos from Del Taco.
If Indianapolis was it's own nation, it would be a fourth-world country. Ethiopia would be sending you guys wheat. Be glad your team-stealing (expletive) hole won something at all. Now go back to sucking.
Thank you, Jack. You continue to be an inspiration to us all.
I saw that there was an Ethiopian restaurant on Fairfax the other day. What exactly do they serve there? Tumbleweeds? Maybe a bag of flour with a U.S. flag on it. I'm all for trying something different, but how many different ways can you serve marinated dirt? Is the food served by a bunch of children with bloated stomachs who have to balance a tray while swatting away flies? Does Sally Struthers run up and eat all of your food before you get a chance to?
I saw Chris Benoit in the audience. I heard that he would have killed to be here tonight.
Tony, Chris Benoit had a message for you, "How's it hanging?"
That's sick on two levels.
Have you ever noticed when Al Qaeda releases a video, the new media turns into an MTV JV? Coming up at 8 p.m. tonight, Osama Bin Laden and Grand Funk Taliban will release a video to their new hit, “We’re an Afghanistan Band.”
And tune in later for Al Qaeda’s new reality series, “Making the Bomb.”
Here’s one thing I never understood about Al Qaeda. Instead of recruiting suicide bombers made up of young men, why not recruit the terminally ill?
I hear that Obama is thinking of closing Guantanamo Bay. Why not make it a reality series like Survivor? Maybe you can round up 17 detainees and have them go to tribal counsel each week and vote out the one least willing to perform Jihad.
Anyway, give it up for Osama Bin Laden. Via video, of course.
Thank you for having me you infidel swine. I long for the day when my Jihad will seek vengeance on your ungrateful infidels. I hope to see your blood flow like rivers for seeing the world differently than I do. In other words, it will be a lot like going to a Raiders game.
True story, when one of my suicide bombers died heroically, one of the virgins he received was Eli Manning.
I too look at Eli as the Messiah because he’s brought more harm to that city that I could ever imagine. Huge fan.
I am also a huge fan of infidel Tony Dungy. When you think of a charismatic figure using soft-spoken leadership and hateful religious rhetoric to convince young men to put their bodies in harms way – well, there is not a whole lot of difference between Tony and me.
Bin Laden people! Don't go soft on us yet.
PART II (coming soon with Kordell Stewart, Lil' Hater and McLean Stevenson).