Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Phillips: Oh no, Not This Again

Deposed Broncos coach Mike Shanahan replaced the bumbling Wade Phillips in 1995, and you had better believe that it's going to happen again. Denver's owner Pat Bowlen did the unthinkable and fired Shanahan after the Broncos choked away the AFC West title. Ending a partnership that had grown stale in recent years.

That means that Dallas is the next logical step for Shanahan.

And hey, if you consider the bad character guys Shanahan was bringing to Denver (as pointed out by Pierre LePud), moving to Dallas wouldn't be that big of a jump.

And it also would be a bad case of Déjà vu for Phillips.

But this would fit perfectly into Jerry Jones' mindset of bringing in a big-name coach and it might actually work. Hey, do you think he could get Phillips to accept a demotion to defensive coordinator? That might be the Cowboys' best bet.

Still, it's a better than even-money proposition that Shanahan will be the Cowboys' coach next season. Jones just can't help himself. And Shanahan's somewhat surprising unemployment will allow Jones to play the, "I would have kept Wade, but when Shanahan falls onto the open market, you have to make a move."

Shanahan doesn't have to make a move right now. There are some other job openings with the Browns, Lions and the Jets. The first two don't seem like a good fit for the Orange Hobgoblin. The Jets gig might intrigue Shanahan who could be swayed by the neon lights on Broadway. But come on, what coaching gig is bigger than the Dallas Cowboys job?

And would that lead Jake Plummer to come back and guide the Cowboys to the Super Bowl?

Shanahan seems like a lock for the Cowboys.

Eli Smacks Romo

Eli Messiah gets a ton of grief on this site -- and for good reason. For starters, he's a huge d-bag. And second, his dad is a huge d-bag, too. Gomer, huge d-bag. And we don't know Cooper, but you get the drill. Plus you know Jim Sorgi's mom probably doesn't like the guy, either. But Eli got a good shot in at Tony Romo when he was pressed on whether little brother would travel to San Diego to watch Gomer lose to the Chargers.

"No, no, no plans," Messiah said. As an afterthought, Messiah added: "My plans to Cabo fell through, so I am going to sit here."

Nice job, Eli. That was a great quip. But then he added:

"That is a joke, by the way."

Yeah, uh, Eli ... just because you look like you're special, doesn't mean that the rest of us are. Come on man, you didn't need to add that. We got it. We wanted to laugh. Now you just showed that even with a great line, you are still a tool.

Monday, December 29, 2008

The Post Mortem

Hard to figure out what is more delicious: The Chargers sending the Broncos and that punk Jay Cutler home (again) in one of the most historic meltdowns in NFL history? Or the 8-8 Chargers reaching the playoffs, while the Patriots (11-5) will be watching from home?

And do we really need to ask this question, because we all know it’s the later. Not even going to try to pull a swerve here.

After suffering at the hands of Boston fans, the tide is finally starting to turn. And what’s sweeter is the impending hissy that ESPN’s Sports Dork, Bill Simpson, will be throwing in the near future. Well, if he can ever break away from his busy schedule of being the world’s biggest ingrate. The Dork – according to reliable sources from Sons of the Sports Guy – complained that it was the refs who screwed the Celtics on Christmas Day. (Seriously, unless you have Ed Houchuli sending you apologetic emails, shut your trap about crooked referees.)

But here’s the scoop for all of you Boston lemmings who figure to follow the Sports Nozzle off the cliff: The NFL playoff system didn’t screw the Patriots. The Patriots screwed the Patriots. Sure, New England had an 11-5 record. But if they had taken care of business against the Chargers earlier in the year, we wouldn’t even be having this conversation. That’s the inconvenient truth.

That and your team just sucks. You let the Dolphins win the AFC East. How do Boston fans even have the audacity to believe that they should be in the playoffs?

But hey, this will be a nice warmup for Boston fans that will likely go through the same thing when the Red Sox win 90 games, but still finish behind the Yankees and Rays.


  • Gomer is not going to be enjoying it. Gomer has had a great run against Denver – especially in the playoffs. Going to San Diego was the last thing that he wanted to do. The Colts are riding a hot streak, but so are the Chargers. And don’t forget who closed down the RCA Dome last year.

  • Jim Sorgi’s Mom is probably suffering the biggest hangover of her life right now. Can’t you just see her now, a couple of belts in, and berating Gormer from the stands? “Hey Gomer, you got your butt kicked by the Titans. But my boy Sorgi (weird, his mom calls him by his last name) is killing them! Play Sorgi in the playoffs! We’ll win the Sooooper Bowl!” Seriously, I want to party with Sorgi’s mom in San Diego next week. I have to find a way to make that happen.

  • Looking back, it’s hard to imagine how this all was possible. And even harder to imagine, Norv Turner has taken this team to the playoffs. Twice. He just bought himself five extra seasons. What is worse is that the Chargers will start 0-8 next year and be all, “Hey, as long as you get hot at the right time.” How is this possible?

  • How long does the Orange Hobgoblin get to run the show in Denver? Are they already starting to turn on him up there? The Broncos really need to make a run at Mike Nolan to be defensive coordinator and maybe a pro personnel person who can actually find some defensive players. Oh, and maybe some running backs who can stay healthy. What's weird, is that it looked like the OH was going to out-coach Norv. But then Champ Bailey couldn't cover anybody and it was over.

  • Take it back. The most awesome thing from yesterday is that dude’s mustache in that picture. That thing is awesome.

Hopefully this isn’t out of line printing these text messages here, but you have to see these.

“Dude, it was the craziest game I’ve been to even before kickoff. Thousands of drunk Iggles fans chanting “Let’s Go Raiders.”

Or how about this gem.

“Dude, I feel like all of the Iceberg fans at the last Titanic game!”

Great analogy. Some might have tried to work in a reference to a Santa costume and a blowtorch, but the Hatriot found a tragedy we can all laugh at. Even though I believe that it's too soon.

  • Tony Romo collapsed in the shower after the game. What, did he think that he saw an Eagles lineman running after him again? That should certainly help rebuild his image as a guy who can’t perform in the big game. Jessica Simpson is probably already reaching for Johnny Knoxville’s number. Hopefully, this incident won’t keep him off the red carpet this offseason.

  • In that picture, Romo and Simpson look like two carp in the Mississippi River going after the same piece of corn. Props to you if you are not Y2Jericholic or Reader Matt P. and you get that reference.

Who feels the worst today, the Cowboys, Broncos or Lions? You are all wrong.

The answer is the Buccaneers.

Come on, we all should have seen this coming with the Cowboys. What, was this the year that Romo was going to win big? You could tell from Wade Phillips befuddled expression that this team was overmatched before they walked on to the field. Even Andy Reid seems like a great big-game coach next to Phillips.

Nobody respected the Broncos, so they weren’t a huge letdown.

The Lions. Really, it’s hard to feel anything about the Lions going 0-16. Like I thought I would feel more joy, but instead I feel nothing. Lee Roy Selmon and the boys, however, aren’t impressed. If the Lions, however, hadn’t beaten the Chiefs in Week 16 last season, they would be closing in on 0-26. But the Lions just feel like another bad team.

The Buccaneers are different. The looked like a real playoff team. In fact, they looked like a team that could advance to the Super Bowl. Instead, they will have to regroup and figure out who their quarterback is going to be. Jon Gruden might be a patron saint of THN, but he needs to find a quarterback and stick with him. The owners need to start kicking down some money, too.

But maybe the bigger issue is if Gruden will even come back next season.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

The Weak Ender

Nice win for the Lakers on Thursday, but seeing that the team doesn’t celebrate it’s championships in December, the win didn’t really mean anything during the unofficial opening of the NBA season. (There is a rumor spreading that the NBA season actually tipped off sometime around Halloween, but who watches that much regular season NBA? The most meaningless of all sports regular seasons. Yes, even more meaningless than that regular season … don’t bother putting that in the comments.)

But when you stop to consider that Mark Teixeria didn’t sign with the Red (expletives), the Patriots will likely finish 11-5 only to not make the playoffs and now the Cellbitch were disposed like a bad Christmas sweater – that’s kind of cool. Maybe some of the transplants living out here would consider moving back. Just kidding, they realize that Boston sucks, too.

There is some chirping that the NFL’s current playoff system is unfair. There is some grumbling that a pair of 8-8 teams are going to make it to the playoffs. Well, why don’t you get over it? Of course, this is only an issue because it’s the Patriots who are being robbed. Don’t fool yourself. If the AFC or NFC West had a trio of 11-5 teams, nobody would say a word if the Jets qualified for the playoffs at 8-8.

But since it’s screwing the Patriots, now everybody is up in arms over it. Too bad. If the NFL was really based on fairness, why not force the East Coast teams to put retractable roofs over their stadiums? But both arguments are stupid.

If the Patriots do miss the playoffs, they have nobody but themselves to blame seeing that they lost to the Chargers during the regular season. This isn’t the BCS.

  • Lot of meaningless games this weekend, and your fantasy leagues should be done by now. But if not, punch yourself in the face if you are looking forward to any of these games: Atlanta at St. Louis; Pittsburgh vs. Cleveland; Chiefs at Bengals; Tennessee at Indianapolis; Washington at San Francisco.

  • Remember when people were talking up the NFC East as the best division in football? Watch the Cowboys lose at Philadelphia (with the Hatriot in attendance), allowing the Bears and Vikings to sneak in. Please allow this to happen. But for the Bears to get in, they need the Raiders to beat the Buccaneers on the road. In other words, enjoy watching the playoffs at home, Bears.

  • The gutless Panthers are going to find a way to loose to the Saints, falling down to the fifth seed in the playoffs. And then, they will loose to the Cardinals in the first round. That’s probably the surest bet of Week 17 and Wild Card weekend.

Merry Christmas.

And if you don't celebrate Christmas, where the hell was my mail on Thursday?

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Mark Teixeira Doesn't Care About Winning

First baseman Mark Teixeira got his first taste of the postseason this year and he obviously didn't like it -- because he signed a deal with the annual alsorans, the New York Yankees. And to be honest, paying $170 million for a guy who couldn't manage an extra base hit in the postseason seems like a lot of money. Unless, of course, you are the Yankees who don't figure to be in the postseason mix for an awfully long time.

And if the Yankees do make the postseason, at least A-Rod will have somebody hiding with him in the closet when the big moments come along.

Honestly, Teixeira was a good guy (from my Angels sources) and he's an outstanding regular-season hitter. But damn, the Angels couldn't get past the Red Sox with him, so why bother paying him that much money? Don't fret about the team not signing another player. The Angels have been aggressive in recent years. Some times it works out (Torii Hunter) and sometimes not so much (Sarge Jr.).

Hopefully the Angels will actually make a play for Manny Ramirez. They have to do it. Matthews is going to be out of the mix until at least June. Then you can have the four outfielder/DH slots spread around Manny, Juan Rivera, Hunter and Vladamir Guerrero. That would be kind of cool.

Meanwhile, Tex and A-Rod can pile up meaningless homeruns as they finish behind the Tampa Bay Rays. Again.

They Are Wasting One of the Best Bowl Games

The Poinsettia Bowl figures to be one of the best -- if not the best -- games of the college bowl season and here it is being wasted tonight. Now it's bad enough that the terrorists that run the BCS picked Ohio (we couldn't score a touchdown against USC) State to be in a BCS bowl, but they had to stick these WAC and Mountain West super powers in a Tuesday-night game.

And honestly, if there is ever a second civil war it will be triggered because some undeserving team from the Big Ten is put in a college championship that it doesn't belong in. And that doesn't just count football. How many times must Big Ten schools host college baseball regionals they don't deserve? Not to say that the Big Ten is bad in baseball. But you could take Division III Champman University (Orange) and drop them in the Big Ten and I would guarantee that they would win the division.

But hey, given how much the Rust Belt blows,guess we should let them have their BCS bowl bids and such. I mean, how bad must your life suck when the only thing you have to look forward to is your crappy school getting humiliated by one of the big boys? Again.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

The Post Mortem

This is why you don’t count out a football team coached by Norv Turner. Because eventually, his teams will do enough to get you excited – only to let you down in the end. Kind of like that Hooters waitress who you thought was into you. (She wasn't.)

Make no mistake, the Chargers are going to play one of their worst games of the season next week and end up losing the AFC West title. There is no other way that this can end.

Think of the improbability of what we are looking at here. The Chargers had to beat the Raiders (easy), but win at Kansas City and Tampa Bay to get to this spot. Plus, they needed the Broncos to at home to the Bills. And somehow that all happened, which could only mean that the Broncos will end up winning next week in San Diego.

The only thing predictable about this season is its unpredictability, so this needs to make sense.

  • Ed Hochuli has to be rooting for the Chargers to win this game, which would erase his blunder in Week 2 that created this mess. If the NFL had a sense of humor, they would have Eddie Guns work this Chargers game. But yeah, do you see Mr. Goodell having a sense of humor? He only chuckled during Galaxy Quest once. Which, incidentally, was Alan Rickman's best movie. But come on, how awesome would it be to have Eddie G working that game?

  • Alright, dare to dream. But if the Chargers win, they will play host to Colts. There is no secret who Gomer is pulling for. He was fortunate to beat the Chargers once this season. There is no way that he is going to do it again.

If Jerry Jones wasn’t tearing down Texas Stadium, the building would have collapsed upon itself in shame behind the gutless performance of the Cowboys on Saturday night. Al Qaeda couldn't have done a better job disgracing America's team if they had flown a pair of jets in through the hole in the roof.

Even the 1-15 Cowboys in 1989 showed more gumption than this current collection of malcontents and stiffs. There is not a single player on that roster that defines the word, “clutch.” Maybe Jason Witten. Roy E. Williams really gave it a shot, but he played in Detroit -- he was just happy to play in a game that meant something.

The Cowboys will never win a big game with Tony Romo. We are in an era where choking quarterbacks have a pair of miracle Super Bowl wins, but Romo makes the Manning brothers look like Johnny Unitas and Joe Montana.

What do you think all of those Cowboys greats were thinking as they were watching that debacle on Saturday night? What an insult to the lineage. The Cowboys long held the title of “Next Year’s Champions” during the early years of the franchise. But they never looked as soft as these chokers. The best part is that this is the kind of team that Jones has built. And Cowboys fans, don’t think that Bill Cowher or any other disciplinarian is going to take over this squad. That’s not happening.

  • Troy Aikman was not present at the Cowboys’ going away party. Is sitting next to Joe Buck that exciting that he couldn’t take a week off to be with his former teammates? As it turns out, he was the smart one. Maybe that says volumes of what he thinks about Romo and how he’s killing the Cowboys legacy.

  • The Patriots really smacked around the Cardinals. Maybe Kurt Warner and the gang can send them a postcard from the playoffs. New England isn’t going. Can’t wait to see the Sports Dork (female dog) about that. Or at least, wait for the Colonel to tell me what he says, because I won’t condescend to give that a-hole a free click.

  • Wow, that Giants fan who wears that license plate around his neck deserves to have a car stalk him like the movie, Christine.

  • How did we miss the start of bowl season? Simple, bad work schedule. Same way that Sammy Baugh has fallen through the cracks, but we’ll get something up on that in a bit. But it looks like the Pac-10 exacted some revenge on the Mountain West as Arizona destroyed BYU. Colorado State, however, represented the Mountain West well with a win over Fresno State.

  • Hard to believe that the Buccaneers Super Bowl win was six years ago. The last time they even won a playoff game. Now they are looking at choking away a playoff berth after starting 9-3. If the Bucs wanted to fire Jon Gruden, he would be awesome as coach of the Chargers. And don’t buy the hype that he would be a good college coach. He hates his quarterbacks and his playbook is way too complicated for college.

  • The Jets were 9-2 in games not played on the West Coast. For all of the (expletive) West Coast teams have received this year, where’s all the scorn for the Jets choking out here?

  • The Giants ran a pretty effective game plan during overtime against the Panthers -- don't let Eli throw the ball. Make the running backs run it. Very shrewd. But where was the Carolina pass rush in the second half?

  • The whole Mark Teixeira thing hasn't worked out for the Angels, as they have dropped out of the running. Unless, of course, you feel it was worth it to bring in Teixeira to at least beat the Red Sox once in the postseason for a change. Popular opinion says that Manny isn't coming, either. Just don't be so sure. Even with Juan Rivera, there is still a spot in the lineup for Manny. Still, some fans are finding it hard to swallow that the Angels gave up Casey Kotchman for basically nothing now.

What exactly is the deal with the Snuggie? The Snuggie is advertised as a blanket with arms. Oh I see, in other words ... it's a freaking backwards robe! How can you people not see this? Take your ordinary bathrobe and put it on backwards. That's a Snuggie. I dare any of you to show up in a football game wearing a backwards robe and see what happens.

Friday, December 19, 2008

The Weak Ender

There is a pregnant tennis player, but rest assured faithless readers, it’s not one of the hotties. Lindsey Davenport pulled out of the WTA tour. Davenport said that the pregnancy was a surprise, which seems odd because what else was she using that turkey baster for?

Kordell Stewart is going to be wanted for a paternity test soon.

But the big news – sorry NFL Week 16 – is the stuff going on with Mark Teixeira. ESPN columnist/part time Red Sox GM Peter Gammons had Teixeira signed with the Red Sox already. In fact, Gammons was hosting Scott Boras and the Red Sox brass at his home in Texas. (Alright, that might be a fib.) Why is the Boston media so hyper to have Teixeira in a Red Sox uniform? Don’t they have enough white guys for Dan Shaughnessy to root for?

However, being pushed to the brink with this Teixeira stuff, one thing is perfectly clear. The Angels would be better off with Manny Ramirez. For real. If given a choice between Teixeira and Ramirez, I’d take Manny every time.

In the words of The Bish – think about it.

The Angels already tried Teixeira last year and he hit .500 in the postseason with no extra base hits. Kendry Morales had more extra base hits in that series – he hit one. Time to move on.

What about Manny’s attitude? If Manny wants to act like an a-hole when the team is playing Cleveland, Kansas City or Chicago, so be it. Just show up to beat the Yankees and – more importantly – the Red Sox. Then we’re cool. In fact, we can work out a contract that will make Ramirez only available for those series. And against Seattle. Then, do whatever you want.

The time has come for the Angels to sell their souls and embrace Manny. In the meantime, let Teixeira sign a long-term deal with the Nationals, lose a bunch of games and allow his c-bomb wife to live on her precious East Coast.

  • The Cowboys are playing their final regular-season game in Texas Stadium. You can talk about the mystique of that place all that you want. But they lost all of it when they allowed Terrell Owens to wear the home uniform. You could have always hated the Cowboys for their goody-goody image or that stand-up-set thing that their offensive linemen did during the 1970s. But when they signed T.O., the guy who mocked them in their own house, that was too low.
  • And yes, there are some parallels of the Angels embracing Manny, but not quite. Manny was won a pair of titles. T.O., not so much.
  • Punch yourself in the face if you want to see: The Battle of Ohio. Honestly, good luck even finding fantasy value in that one. Even Sam Wyche himself wouldn't even lower himself to watch that one. Other games on this list include: 49ers at St. Louis FC and maybe the Monday night game. Honestly, a late-season Packers vs. Bears game that just isn't interesting. You have to go back to Lynn Dickey to remember the last time that happened.
  • Upset special of the week: The Lions will break through. They've been too close. The Saints can't win on the road and have given up on the season. This means too much to the Lions. And Lee Roy Selmon.
  • The Birds could convince a lot of people that they are legitimate if they could win at New England. But the people they need to prove it to the most is the Birds, themselves.
  • The Steelers and Titans is not an AFC Championship Game preview because one of those teams are going to lose in the playoffs. Book it.
  • Would you rather see the Lions go 0-16 or the Chargers to find a way to win the AFC West at 8-8? Winning the division with eight games isn't as cool as a below .500 division winner, but it would be cool. If the Birds play their cards right, they also could be looking at an 8-8 championship. Imagine that, an 8-8 team clinching the playoffs with six weeks to play. Or so it seemed.
  • The Bills beating Denver seems more plausible than the Chargers winning at Tampa Bay.
  • THN jinxed Raven last week. Our new pick to click in the AFC -- the Miami Dolphins. From 1-15 to the Super Bowl.
  • Quick, best Alan Rickman movie.
  • How shaky is Eli's confidence this year? The Messiah was sacked eight times last week, and now the Panthers are coming to town. Now, it seems that a lot of Giants fans like to make excuses about protection or Brandon Jacobs being hurt. (You did Plaxico Burress yourselves, so you can't use that one.) Hopefully Jacobs will return so that our point that a.) Eli blows and 2.) Plaxico made the Messiah can be played out on a national stage. Eli has never looked like the kind of guy who enjoyed playing football, rather going through the motions like John Moxon in Varsity Blues. Maybe the question is, will Eli even bother showing up this week?

There is a video floating around of some dude on the Price is Right nailing the exact score. Something that hasn't happened since the early 1970s. If you see the video, Drew Carey is so nonchalant about the whole thing. You can see the video here.

First off, how did that first chick come so damn close? And second, why is Carey deadpanning the whole thing? Will Leitch (the real one) has a theory on it being a retape which is the only explanation. Maybe there was too much cussing going on. Because really, if you nailed the price of the Showcase showdown, you are going to cuss, right? There has to be no other way. And really, if you came within $500 of the total wouldn't you kick over the set or something. I imagine that chick probably tried to beat the hell out of Carey.

That's the only reasonable explanation because this was some of the worst acting since, well, the Drew Carey Show. Even then, he couldn't keep a straight face. (And his whole, "This hasn't happened since ..." came way too quickly.) This is a fake, right?

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

St. Louis FC to finally be motivated by winning?

St. Louis FC executive Billy Devaney, who will direct the team’s search for a coach, talks with co-owner Lucia Rodriguez. What's amusing here is that Devaney is speaking passionately about something -- obviously related to football -- and Rodriguez has that look in her eye like, "Who do I have to kill around here for a chili dog?"

As opposed to her mother, Georgia Frontandrearie, who would have the same look about her. Only the murdering showgirl was looking around asking just, "Who do I have to kill? That's it, I just want to kill somebody or something other than the collective wills of the sports fans in Southern California."

(And seriously, did her mom not leave her the number of her plastic surgeon? Her mom gave plastic surgeons so much business over the years, you would think they could throw in a freebie.)

The St. Louis FC has indicated that they are going to turn the search over for the team's next coach over to its football people for a change. That means that John Shaw can't hold out for the lowest paid candidate possible. That would mean that Chip isn't so much a chip off his mother's block, instead he would be following in the footsteps of his win-at-all cost father.

When you think of the limited success St. Louis FC has had, it's remarkable. The whole Kurt Warner thing was a fluke. The only reason he got to play was because the organization was too cheap to find a veteran backup after highly-paid free agent Trent Green was hurt. Now it looks like Chip wants to build a real organization.

Our only advice for Chip if he starts spending actual money on the team, don't go swimming when your sister is around. She has that look.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Romo, Witten Skip T.O.'s Birthday Party

Terrell Owens had a Super Sweet 16 party on Monday and his BFFs didn't even bother to show.

The main beneficiary of the party was Owens' Catch A Dream Foundation. Money raised at the event will go toward aiding 81 families in the Dallas area just in time for Christmas.

However, considering the events of the last week - when Owens was involved in a controversy with tight end Jason Witten and quarterback Tony Romo, the headliners Monday night were his teammates and coaches. Romo, who is suffering from a back injury sustained against the Giants, was a no-show at press time, along with Witten, who is also nursing injuries.

Normally, when you miss a birthday party, it's no big deal. If you're a dude. Unfortunately Terrell Owens has never shown that proclivity. Instead, he was likely pouting in the back of the room, while the other revelers were dancing to that Ah-Ha tribute band. Or at least what they believed was an Ah-Ha tribute band. (Hey, times have been hard for everybody.)

This might not be a big deal to most normal people, but you can imagine that T.O. is going to react like a scorned child and smite Romo and Witten on his Facebook page.

Chris Cooley is Ready for the Pro Bowl

Wow, dude. Nice shorts. Even Lt. Jim Dangle asks you to have some modesty.

In any event, the Pro Bowl rosters were released today and there were some surprises. Most notably, the Kurt Warner Machine and his top receivers -- Larry Fitzgerald and Anquan Boldin -- are starting. That's awesome. Completely correct, too. If you have watched any Arizona games this season, you know that those three guys have carried a pretty bad football team.

Even better, no Terrell Owens.

The lone snub on the NFC side might be DeAngelo Williams, with Adrian Peterson, Michael Turner and Clinton Portis getting the spots. Hey, if Jim Zorn doesn't want to play Portis, why should the NFC? But don't worry, Portis will likely pass up his spot. Maybe Peterson, too. But Turner will be there. Also, it seems weird that Brian Westbrook won't be there.

Thomas Jones is an awesome choice on the AFC side, but would have taken Steve Slaton over Ronnie Brown. Colts receiver Reggie Wayne seems like a reach, too.

Oh, and how can we go this long and not mention that the Manning brothers were both voted in. Eli was said to be thankful that voting was concluded before he reverted back to being Eli again on Sunday. That was a close one.

Click here for the full rosters.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Who Now Will Lead Chiefs Rebuilding Plan?

The Chiefs' 20-year rebuilding plan took a serious hit on Monday when GM Carl Peterson resigned from his job. The Chiefs were an automatic playoff team during Marty Schottenheimer's tenure (1989-1998), but now, not so much. Dick Vermeil had one glory run in 2003 that ended with a loss to the Colts. Herm Edwards also had a playoff appearance in 2006 that ended with a loss to the Colts. And hell, even Schottenheimer lost to the Colts in the 1995 playoffs.

But when you look at the worst franchises in the NFL, the Chiefs really do get a free pass even though they haven't really been competitive in a long time. Even Vermeil's 13-3 team in 2003 had a pretty bad defense that you knew wasn't going to work in the postseason. Still, the Chiefs are overlooked for being miserable.

Hell, if their running back didn't spit in chick's faces, would we even care about the Chiefs?

The Post Mortem

A lot of you Giants fans are going to ask for a mea culpa in regards to Plaxico Burress and Eli Messiah. But don’t feel compelled to do so. Sure, you were told time and time again that Burress was really the MVP of the league and that he has elevated the Messiah’s game to make him a passable quarterback.

But those days are long gone.

The Giants couldn’t score a touchdown off the lousy Cowboys secondary. The Cowboys secondary is so bad, they have refused to put Adam Jones on IR. And the Giants still couldn’t muster anything.

And really, the Messiah hasn’t thrown a meaningful touchdown pass in two weeks. Coincidence? Hardly. The Giants best chance to repeat shot himself in the leg

The Giants have done well in spots when Burress has missed time, but when you give a team a full week to scheme Eli without his top receiver, well, you see the results.

You could reason that the Giants were a little flat after clinching the NFC East. But the Giants haven’t even clinched a first-round bye. With Minnesota surging, there is a possibility the team would have to play in the first round. The Giants were seemingly a lock to be the No. 1 seed only a few weeks ago, now they are fighting to keep their first-round bye. That won't be easy with the Panthers coming to town.

  • Good way for the Cowboys to start the game – throw the ball to Jason Witten. If you ever wanted to see the difference between the 2008 Cowboys and the 1990s Cowboys, it’s the jealousy. Michael Irvin, for all of his faults, never complained about the looks that Jay Novacek got. He never complained that he never got the number of touches that Jerry Rice got in San Francisco. Irvin was a selfish player, but he was selfish about winning. Troy Aikman and Irvin sacrificed numbers to win. That’s why they have three Super Bowl rings and this year’s version probably won't win a playoff game. Yes, even if they do have to play at Arizona.
  • Fitting, Terrell Owens drops the first past thrown in his direction.
  • If the Chargers are content to beat the Raiders and Chiefs, then Norv Turner certainly is their man. Four of the Chargers six wins this season have come against the bottom of the AFC West. But the funny thing is, the Chargers are still alive in the playoff race. The Chargers would have to beat the reeling Buccaneers, while the Broncos would have to lose a home game to the Bills for the season finale to matter. Why do I get the feeling that is going to happen? This almost seems destined to happen. Then again, it would seem more fitting for the Chargers and Broncos to both lose next week.
  • Somebody should have told the Cardinals that they still need to play out the rest of the season. At least for the sack of fantasy teams everywhere. What a horrible performance, but should have been easily seen.
  • The NFL so rarely overturns calls unless there is indisputable evidence, so it’s amazing that the Steelers got that touchdown to beat the Ravens. Especially with so much on the line in this game. The referees basically gave the Steelers a first-round bye in the playoffs with a highly questionable call. Honestly, they need to scrap replay because their use of it never makes sense.
  • Turns out Ryan Fitzpatrick could lead the upset of the Redskins. But your upset special did hit (Houston). Wow, Washington is one bad organization right now. Are they calling for Colt Brennan yet? The Redskins need a receiver, though. You can't win football games with receivers who are as tall as David Eckstein.
  • Congratulations to Sam Bradford. And take solace Sooners fans, in that the Lions own the first pick in the draft and that will likely sway Bradford to stay in school for another year.
  • Best Blue Oyster Cult song: Burin' for you. Nobody got the right answer so the prize money moves over to this week.
  • Mark Teixeira got his eight-year offer from the Angels for what is believed to be more than $160 million. As an Angels fan, it's hard to imagine if you want Teixeira to sign a.) because you want him on your team, or 2.) you can face all of the Red Sox-loving media who have made Teixeira to the Red Sox a done deal since July. And really, no matter how much money the Sox offer, is it worth it to have to deal with those d-bags for eight years? Manny Ramirez was once a fun-loving goof who was eventually ruined by those people.

Wanted to put something deep about the NFL layoffs, but thought better of it. Imagine that, me making a smart choice. Although, this guy certainly seems to get it.

Friday, December 12, 2008

The Weak Ender

Tim Tebow looks to walk off with another trophy this weekend. And another Heisman Trophy, too.

Good lord, is that Tebow's girlfriend Lucy Pinder or was this a publicity shot from when he visited the set of A Dirty Shame. (Sorry, only Fletch is going to get that joke.)

Tebow is going to be THN's prediction to win the thing -- only because he's left handed. (Maybe he can pass the torch to Boise State's Kellen Moore.)

There's a lot of people out there because Graham Harrell isn't invited to the Heisman party. And you know what, so what. This isn't Little League where everybody who participated gets a gold ribbon and a free flight to New York. So why should he be going if he didn't finish close to the top?

But, if after the votes are counted, he didn't win, place or show, there is no reason for him to be at the award ceremony. Quit bellyaching Coach Leach. Maybe if you would have kept Oklahoma under 250 points, you would have an argument. But Texas Tech's defense did more to keep Harrell out of the Heisman race more than anything else. Besides there are worse things happening in college football (more below).

And before Diane leaves, let's jump to the pros. But before we do, belated condolences to another one of Sunset Beach's finest bitches, Hannah. Needless to say, the greenbelt just isn't the same.

Are you ready for some NFL football?

  • The NFC South is 24-2 at home this year, which is bad news for the Buccaneers who need a win at Atlanta. To make matters worse, Jeff Garcia is hurting with an calf injury. You won't see this in any published reports, but word on the the street is that Garcia came home and found his wife, Carmella Decesare, in bed with Kordell Stewart and strained his calf while chasing for the former Steelers quarterback down the street.
  • Remember when Washington was considered a lock for the playoffs? Now you aren't even sure if they can beat the Bengals ... until you remember that Ryan Fitzpatrick is the Bengals quarterback.
  • Upset special: Texans over Titans.
  • Punch yourself in the face if you want to see: Packers at Jaguars. Limited value, but a couple of teams that have grossly underachieved this season. Don't put all of the Packers problems on Aaron Rodgers, though. Ryan Grant has murdered your team. And if you drafted him for your fantasy team, you know what I'm saying. That's the truth. The Jaguars are miserable, but given Jack Del Rio's every-other-year prowess, Jacksonville should keep him next season and then dump him. San Diego at Kansas City came close to falling into this category, but this should be an offensive shootout. It had better be. Otherwise you will punch yourself in the face without provocation.
  • The Dolphins are an amazing story this year, but they weren't Lions bad last season. They lost Ronnie Brown, started a rookie at quarterback and still lost a lot of close games. This season is going to give them a false sense of hope. Expect them to be terrible again next season. Seriously, look at their skill players. How do they win games?
  • The Lions are closing in on 0-16 and there is a real fear that somebody will have a letdown and allow Detroit to sneak out a win. But it won't be the Colts this week. Indy is great against crappy teams. They never seem to have letdowns against inferior competition. Gomer only melts against the good teams.
  • Ken Whisenhunt is going to start Kurt Warner on Sunday, even though the Cardinals are not going to get a No. 2 seed. That makes coach Whisenhunt one of the greatest coaches in fantasy football leagues. He gets it. Either that, or he really, really hates Matt Leinart. And that could be the case. A source close to the situation says that Leinart is lazy and doesn't do his homework, which really doesn't ingratiate him to the coach. If that's the case, Leinart really needs to ask himself if he wants to be a player in the NFL, or if he wants to be a rich man's Matt Cassel.
  • Raven is my current pick to represent the AFC in the Super Bowl. Normally, you wouldn't pick a team with a rookie quarterback to win the conference. But look at some of the other quarterbacks on potential AFC playoff teams. Jay Cutler, Kerry Collins, Favre, Gomer, Cassel and Ben Roethlisberger (fantasy killer). Not a bad group, but we're not looking at Joe Montana, Troy Aikman and Bart Starr here, either. Not that you need one anymore. Just look at the last two Super Bowl MVPs.
  • Terrell Owens is jealous of Tony Romo and Jason Witten's relationship? Just come out of the closet already, T.O. You are screaming too ever since your fake suicide. Even though 52 percent of California doesn't believe you should be allowed to get married, they still think you are a fine football player. Let go of the rage and be free. What's great is that it looks like the Giants and Cowboys are fighting to see who could have the biggest distractions on their team. You have to give the edge to the Cowboys who also gets the edge in this game. The Giants already have locked up the NFC East, so Dallas is the desperate team. If the Cowboys had won in Pittsburgh last week, they would have been the pick. But not now, they have to win this game.
  • Sound off: Best Blue Oyster Cult song
  • The only thing that will make Sunday's telecast of the Patriots/Raiders wonderful will be the endless showing of the Tuck Rule. That never gets old.
  • Happy 93rd to the Chairman of the Board, Frank Sinatra. And a belated birthday greeting to Sammy Davis Jr.


Ohio State in the BCS, eh? Well that's just great. We could make jokes that Ohio State and Penn State should be playing for the Big Ten's right to even have an automatic bid into the BCS. But we're above that.

But what really sucks is that the WAC is being deprived of a BCS money that would be greatly beneficially to some struggling programs facing a budget crisis. You have to be concerned about the long-term health of programs such as Utah State and San Jose State. Even Hawaii has a hard time making money.

However, the BCS is just pumping more money into a worthless program instead of spreading the wealth to some of the mid majors. And that could end up costing some schools its program. When you start shutting down programs, you end up closing the door for some kids to even go to college. Hope it's worth it just to see Ohio State get blown out in some bowl again.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

How Much Did You Get for Randy Moss?

Remembering the Randy Moss era in Oakland isn't an easy thing to do. Wait, actually it is easy. Mainly because too many Raiders fans spent their stolen hard-earned cash on Moss jerseys and they have never had the heart (nor funds) to replace them. Those Moss jerseys have become a symbol of everything that is wrong with the Raiders.

The Oakland Raiders used to be a franchise of reclamation projects and redemption. Lyle Alzado. Ted Hendricks. Jimmy Plunkett. Just a small example of guys who were cast offs from other teams who eventually found great success playing for the Raiders. Even recently with guys such as Rich Gannon, Al Davis always had a knack of turning one's trash into his treasure.

Now that has reversed itself. A lot of these revivals have gone belly up, starting with Al's fascination for signing fluke Super Bowl MVPs (Larry Brown and Desmond Howard). There are also the umittigated failures such as Javon Walker, Jeff George, Moss and Warren Sapp (who likes to pretend that he never played for the Raiders). Now it seems that players move on to bigger and better things after leaving the shackles of the Raiders. Moss is only one. There is Charles Woodson and DeAngelo Hall who have thrived. Even Dominic Rhodes is going to get a chance to start for the Colts this week, seeing that Joseph Addai is hurt.

And Raiders fans had better get used to it. Hell, you can only imagine how good Nnamdi Asomugha will be once he leaves Oakland. But now, you just have to settle for watching Moss put up 200 yards on your team this weekend.

And the rest of us can remember when the Patriots were lovable Raiders/St. Louis killers and not the d-bags you see before us.

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Jerry Jones Envies Al Davis

Jerry Jones probably watched Al Davis eviscerate Lane Kiffin earlier this year (though, not enough to prevent him from getting the gig at Tennessee) and was green with envy because he couldn't do the the same to his coach. Though he should. Honestly Wade, what the hell were you wearing during that Steelers game?

Jones should be frustrated with his coach and Tony Romo's inability to win in December. Instead, he went off on running back Marion Barber who missed Sunday's crucial contest with a toe injury.

And on one hand, Skeletor does have a point. How much money is Barber making? There are autoworkers in Detroit who don't know if they are going to have a job by Christmas, and they probably have some aches and pains, too. But when you are making millions of dollars and running guy's fantasy teams because you won't take an injection to numb that toe up, well, you aren't going to get a lot of sympathy.

Then again, the big toe is a serious injures and it has taken down some other major players in the past. So this isn't a time to make toe jokes.

But no matter which side of the coin you fall, it should not distract from the real story which is that the Cowboys are going to choke their way out of the playoffs this year, depriving everybody a chance to see the Cowboys fail in the postseason. Again. That means no shot of Jones in his overcoat, which his arm tucked under, fingers on his chin looking desperately at the scoreboard wondering if there is a away to get Jimmy Johnson back on the sidelines.

And what sucks, is that America really needs that right now.

Sunday, December 07, 2008

The Post Mortem

Starting off with the college football today because by the time this is published, I will be leaving on a jet plane.

Can't wait to see that Oklahoma vs. Alabama BCS Championship Game.

That's right, the BCS title game should be Oklahoma vs. Alabama. Head-to-head matchups -- especially on a neutral field -- obviously doesn't matter. So with Alabama and Florida holding identical records, why not let Alabama go to the BCS title game? Whose loss was worse ... Florida losing at home to some curtain-jerker SEC team or Alabama losing to Florida on a neutral field?

Hey, this argument is working for Oklahoma, why wouldn't it work for Alabama?

Besides, enact the THN Playoff Plan and none of this politicking would be necessary.

And the game wasn't bad, either. Florida is more talented than Alabama right now, but just couldn't put the Tide away until late in the fourth quarter.

  • The Florida fans did chant "One more year" imploring Tim Tebow to stick around for his senior season. That depends on how anxious Tebow is to become an NFL fullback.

  • USC vs. UCLA made huge news because of the uniform deal. And be honest, that looked pretty cool out there, with both teams wearing the home uniforms. Hopefully they do it again next season. Of course, the Trojans will be ripped for not running the score up on the Bruins, winning by only 21 when they could have won by 50.

  • The awesome uniform news, however, had to be Army and Navy’s new uniforms. Those things were sweet, especially the Army camouflage uniforms. How can that be legal? How soon before an opponent throws an interception and says, wow, I couldn’t see the defender he was camouflaged out there. Very shrewd, Army. Very shrewd.
  • And for the record, Pat Tillman obviously didn’t play for Army. But it would probably be a nice idea if they retired his collegiate No. 42 in honor of him.
  • Turns out that Plaxico Burress was the NFL's MVP. That's the only conclusion you can draw after the way the Giants folded on Sunday. There were a couple of ducks that Dom Hixon let slide through his fingers that Burress would have caught. Good luck, Eli.
  • Any announcer that says, "I could have never imagined that Kurt Warner would ever have an MVP season again "should just quit. Warner had some tough stretches, but he was obviously good enough to keep playing. He was good enough to have the Giants in position to make the playoffs in 2004. He was good enough when the Cardinals wasted a pick on Matt Leinart. If you are paid to follow football, you should have seen this coming.

Let's turn this over to the Comment Monkeys. I want to hear from a sports fan. Denver, Indianapolis, San Diego ... have I given you enough topics to talk about?

Friday, December 05, 2008

The Weak Ender

Would you rather take "sloppy seconds" from Sean Avery or the Raiders?

Has the NHL completely overreacted to Avery's comments? (For those of you who don't know, Avery said that former girlfriend Elisha Cuthbert was just sloppy seconds for other NHL players who are now dating her. And the first person to make an Alyssa Milano joke dies. Looking at you RJ.)

Chargers fans are getting it much worse with the Raiders "sloppy seconds," Norv Turner. As expected, the Chargers pulled off their one miracle win over the Raiders to justify Turner's job and get everybody excited for next season. Much like the Eagles did with a win over the Cardinals on Thursday night.

What's so funny is that nearly every NFL pundit is willing to make excuses for Turner. Hell, the entire NFL Network pregame show was making excuses for him. Well, except for Warren Sapp. Not that you were able to watch the Super Bowl-like pregame show. (Seriously, do we need a six-hour build up to a couple of washed out AFC West teams?)

The former Raiders defensive tackle said that Turner was a bad coach, his teams never practiced the 2-minute drill and that Noxema Turner couldn't motivate Chris Simon to make racial slurs. (THN is bringing the hockey references today.) And yet, all of the other analysts on the Algonquin Round Table completely ignored his comments. Nobody would even address it. Sapp is a former player who recently played for Turner. He might be full of (expletive) most of the time, but he's spot on here.

What really will be amazing is just how many years Turner will end up wasting in San Diego. LaDainian Tomlinson will continue to head South in 2009, likely buying another year for the coach who will again use it as an excuse.

But now the Chargers are at the level they were a few years ago where a season's success can be measured on how many times they beat the Raiders. And with another sweep, there is at least some cause for a minor celebration.

  • If it was any other team, I'd swear they threw the game in order to save Norv's job. But that was the Raiders trying their hardest to get over on a former coach. That's how hard they would play against Tennessee.
  • Diane made note that she would welcome Bill Cowher to San Diego next year. Who wouldn't? But remember, Cowher's mentor was Marty Schottenheimer. Do you think he would want to coach for A.J. Smith? The only way would be if Smith is fired.
  • The Birds have a chance to wrap up the NFC West. This still smells like a trap game. Kurt Warner should throw for 500 yards and six touchdowns, but there is something about the Cardinals that won't let you feel comfortable. Thankfully, the GA picks are in, or I'd end up talking myself into taking the St. Louis FC. Can't do it.
  • The Steelers are a pretty good team, but not desperate enough to take out the Cowboys. Again, another switch I'd make if I didn't have to finish my picks by Tuesday night. Tony Romo seems like he has a bad fantasy matchup, but remember, Gomer lit up the Steelers for three touchdowns without a running game earlier this year. The Steelers seem to be a product of playing bad quarterbacks. Matt Schaub, Eli Messiah, Joe Flacco, Ryan Fitzpatrick and even Philip Rivers. Not many of those quarterbacks will be sunning themselves in Hawaii in February unless they are paying their own way.
  • Punch yourself in the face if you want to see Browns at Titans. Or New England at Seattle.
  • If Detroit is going to sneak in a victory, it will be this week against the cheating Vikings. Having Kevin Williams and Pat Williams appeal their suspension just to lose to the Lions would be a perfect ending to this story. Well, that and the Bears catching and passing them for the NFC North title.
  • The Washington Huskies have hired Steve Sarkisian to run the program after interviewing the Texas Tech coach for the job. Uh, why did they make that move? Maybe Coach Leach could stick around and run the Seahawks offense next season. Seems like a strange hire for Washington, but hopefully it works out.
  • How about Mike Sanford leaving his UNLV gig to be offensive coordinator at USC? The NCAA probably wouldn't allow that. USC is already too good as it is.
  • Alabama will beat Florida. Book it.
  • Texas realizes that it lost to Texas Tech, right? Quit whining. USC should play for the national championship if Oklahoma loses.
There is a lot of controversy with USC wearing its home cardinal against UCLA on Saturday. People, you need to get over this. Had USC sprung this on UCLA and run out of the tunnel in cardinal after warming up in white uniforms, then yes, that would have been arrogant and disrespectful.

Instead, Pete Carroll has given some life to a game that did not have any before this all came out. College football fans should be enjoying this, instead of finding ways to take shots at Carroll.

Thursday, December 04, 2008

Bad News: Blackout Lifted in Los Angeles

The National Football League is going go piss away some money purchase to the remaining tickets to tonight's anticipated Raiders vs. Chargers tilt. Also known as the "Norv Bowl."

The league said it would donate the tickets to local methadone clinics, bail bondsmen, parole offices and other places you will find Raiders fans. Hey, they might have somebody in the stadium who actually cares.

Funny, if the league will cave so it's 34 subscribers can see the game, why don't they just buckle under to Time Warner and put NFL Network on basic cable?

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

Burress isn't going to jail

Plaxico Burress will not be going to jail. Not unless you count jail as playing for the Oakland Raiders. But he won't be tried in a court of law. He will find a way to get away with it all.

He's already "lawyered up" as they say on CSI, hiring Benjamin Brafman. The same guy who got off Puff Daddy and Michael Jackson. Though, that might be an unfortunate phrase when talking about Jackson.

Still, he's not going to spend a day in jail and his fancy lawyer has a new list of excuses for his client. That's right, it's a new Last and Ten.

Monday, December 01, 2008

Are You Looking Forward to Raiders Week?

To be honest, Raiders Weak took a huge hit once the Raiders started to roll over and piddle on themselves. You know when knife sales started falling in San Diego, the rivalry was no longer what it was.

Now, you have a pair of pathetic teams going through the motions. Though, as said yesterday, that might not be fair to the Raiders who are actually trying, but are incompetent.

Hopefully A.J. Smith is still content with his hiring of former Raiders coach Norv Turner, who has led the Charger to the Raiders-like depths of the AFC West. You can knock Marty Schottenheimer for a number of things, but his teams relished playing and beating the Raiders. Do you get that sense now?

Chargers fans will get a great opportunity to see how the team feels about the coach. Because if they lose to the Raiders, that would be very telling. Now some fans, like ESPN's Sports Dork Bill Simpson, might advocate the Chargers losing to the Raiders so Norv would get fired.

Don't be that guy.

Especially since there is no way the Raiders could become the first 6-10 team to win a division. Hope that the Chargers win the game, and management has enough common sense to make a coaching change.