Thursday, July 31, 2008

Super Bowl Buzz Kill: Texans

Do you think your team is going to the Super Bowl? Ha. Your team sucks. Why put yourself through the aggravation every year? The Hater Nation is here to bring you back to reality with the award-winning series, The Super Bowl Buzz Kill.

Why your team won’t win the Super Bowl: Houston Texans.

Thankfully, this will only offend the six Texans fans in existence. Seriously, does anybody root for this team? Do any of you actually know a Texans fan? This has to be one of the most despicable franchises in NFL history. Almost as dastardly as the murdering showgirl’s franchise playing in a glorified Wal-Mart in St. Louis.

Houston wasn’t content with only stealing Los Angeles’ moniker of the smoggiest city a few years back. So they stole the market’s infant franchise, too. The NFL had agreed to expand to the LA market that led to a tinkling contest between Michael Ovitz and Coliseum Commission. Neither side could come to a compromise on where to build a new stadium giving the league a convenient excuse to accept Bob McNair’s offer of $750 million to pay for a franchise.

McNair also built his own stadium (something LA would never do), getting a Super Bowl and franchise that was earmarked for Southern California. So how has that worked out for the Texans?

Six years, no playoffs. Last season’s 8-8 record signaled the high-water mark for the franchise.


Going six years without a playoff appearance is hard to do in the NFL. Only the Cardinals and Bills have longer playoff droughts. But to be honest, they have had a lot more practice in sucking.

How is it possible that the Texans have gone so long without figuring out how to protect the quarterback? The club nearly ended David Carr’s life.

The team has made a step in the right direction by hiring Alex Gibbbs, the guy who first installed the Broncos blocking scheme. Meaning, expect the Texans to become cheap-shot, cut-blockers. Wonderful.

The team did promote Kyle Shanahan to offensive coordinator. Seriously. That could only mean that the Texans are content with tanking the next four years, waiting for Arizona State freshman Jack Elway to join the club. Because a Shanahan can only seem to win with an Elway at quarterback. (Don't worry, that didn't count as the Broncos SBBK.)

And if you are one of those people who believes in Matt Schaub, here’s two words for you: Ahman Green. He’s expected to be the starting running back this season and Fred Taylor's groin feels that Green gets hurt too much. The Texans had better hope that Steve Slaton or Chris Taylor is the answer. Although Taylor has already been hurt in training camp.

The defense, however, will be pretty good. That Mario Williams thing has worked out for them – so far. But a one-dimensional team isn’t going to cut it in the AFC South, where they could end up being the fourth best team in the division.

Seven years without a Super Bowl. Maybe Los Angeles dodged a bullet there. If the region wanted to watch an owner waste a lot of money on a losing team, they could just watch the Dodgers.


(The odds of your team winning the Super Bowl, based on 1-to-5 Goodells. One being worst, five being best.)

Missed a team? You can click the Super Bowl Buzz Kill 2008 label to see the entire list.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Super Bowl Buzz Kill: Jaguars

Do you think your team is going to the Super Bowl? Ha. Your team sucks. Why put yourself through the aggravation every year? The Hater Nation is here to bring you back to reality with the award-winning series, The Super Bowl Buzz Kill.

Why your team won’t win the Super Bowl: Jacksonville Jaguars.

The Jaguars followed its surprise 2005 season when they went 12-4 with a disappointing 8-8 record the following year. So will history be a predictor for the Jaguars who are coming off an 11-5 record in 2007 and a playoff victory at Pittsburgh? The only thing consistent about Jack Del Rio’s coaching tenure in Jacksonville has been the inconsistency.

Don’t worry about the defense, though. New coordinator Gregg Williams should have the Jaguars D playing at a top level, despite the loss of DT Marcus Stroud. The Jaguars, for all of their faults, have ranked in the top 10 in points allowed in each of the last four years.

The Jaguars do have Maurice Jones Drew and Fred Taylor, but the rest of the offense is a huge question mark. Receiver Matt Jones was busted for drug possession and Mr. Goodell is so excited to finally bust a white guy, you figure that he is going to throw the book at Jones. Expect a lifetime ban. Then nobody will say a word when Adam Jones is fully exonerated by the league. (If you believe that Mr. Goodell is going to go against Jerry Jones, you are dreaming.)

The Jaguars did acquire disgruntled former Raiders receiver Jerry Poter. Obviously believing that he could be a poor-man’s version of Randy Moss who’s football career was reborn in New England. Porter is going to miss all of training camp with a hamstring injury. Raiders fan knew that was coming.

And then there is David Garrard. Can he overcome his sophomore slump? (He’s a seventh year veteran you say? says he’s in his second year. Weird. Even if the writer was going for that second-year starter thing, he ignores the fact that Garrard started 10 games in 2006.) Garrard was nearly perfect last year. He went 12 weeks without throwing an interception. He finished the season with 18 touchdowns only three interceptions and a passer rating for 102.2. What did that get them though? A win in the first round? What happens when Garrard isn’t so close to perfect?

That’s the rub. When you think of all of the top quarterbacks in the AFC, where does Garrard rank? He’s not as good as Tom Brady or Gomer, and even so, he seems like he’s third at best in the conference. And that’s about as far as the Jaguars can expect to go. The defense is good enough to get to the playoffs, but you just can't count on this team.


(The odds of your team winning the Super Bowl, based on 1-to-5 Goodells. One being worst, five being best.)

Missed a team? You can click the Super Bowl Buzz Kill 2008 label to see the entire list.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Doing What's Right For Me, Err Brett

Mr. Goodell may feel like he needs no introduction, but he should address THN's audience before he starts rambling on. So without further ado, here is Mr. Goodell:

I remember the first time I ever met Brett Favre. I was the son of a senator, looking for a way to make my mark in the National Football League. I had ran into Brett during a mixer and stumbled upon him trading some pills with Rush Limbaugh. My daddy was a good friend of Limbaugh so I had him arrange an introduction.

The chemistry between Brett and I was palpable. I was the captain of my football, basketball and baseball team at Bronxville High. We only had six boys in my graduating class, but you could see a gleam in Brett’s eyes when I regaled him with some of my spots exploits. Like the time I scored two touchdowns in one game. Or the time I took a charge in a key basketball game. Maybe it was the vicodin, but he hung on his every word. I even helped sort through his vomit to retrieve the undigested pills so he could swallow them again.

That is the relationship that Brett and I forged.

I remember where I was when Brett went on to win Super Bowl XXXI. I was sitting there imaging how that could have been me had daddy paid off that college football coach like I had asked. Instead I rose through the NFL in a different way. I used daddy’s connections to help rise through the NFL going from intern to PR flack to an underserved nomination for commissioner. Brett also won some games and set some records during that time, so that era will be forever known as the Goodell-Favre era as we ruled the NFL like a father and son. Much like the dream Darth Vader had for Luke Skywalker.

But that’s Brett, and why we love him. That also is why I have to butt in on his affairs. The NFL is littered with plenty of holdouts and other contract squabbles. But do you see me helping Chad Johnson get a new deal? Anquan Boldin wants a new contract in Arizona, but do you see me interceding there? Hell no. None of those players would get my name to the top of the headline stacks of ESPN and FOX News.

Brett is the kind of guy that can help me reach my goals. My goal is to one day be the president of the United States. If I can reach an agreement between the Packers and Favre, than that thing Bill Clinton did when he was president. As if anybody remembers what he did. So expect to see my name more as the Favre saga continues on. What I would like to do, is to get Favre traded to the Giants. You say the Giants don't need a quarterback, you are wrong. Favre going to the Giants would finally allow me to build them into the dynasty I forsee them being. It's genius if you ask me.

The Tide Is Turning

The overwhelmingly lopsided rivalry between Boston and Southern California could be taking a turn in favor of the good guys.

Even before the Angels notched their seventh consecutive win over the Red Sox, the team improved with the acquisition of Mark Teixeira for Casey Kotchman. There certainly is some sentiment over losing a player of Kotchman's caliber.

Before moving on, the Braves got a great player. You will read some unintelligent comments from people who don't believe that Casey can be a great player. (Yes, imagine a bunch of stupid comments from sports fans who live in the South.) Don't believe it. The Braves certainly got a good one. But when you consider what Atlanta first gave up to get Teixeira, that might not be the best deal that they could have received.

However, the Angels need somebody who can put a crooked number on the scoreboard. The Angels have been scoring a lot of runs lately. But consider the teams you are playing. Besides, the Angels offense always looks good in the heat of the summer when those summer quails seems to find a spot in the outfield. The Halos' bats, however, always seem to freeze up when the calendar turns to October. When a big-fly is needed instead of three duck farts and three LOBs. This was a move made for the postseason, make no mistake. If the Angels win the World Series, the trade is a success even if Teixeira leaves a free agent. (Hell, the Adam Kennedy trade was in the Angels favor because of his three home runs in the 2002 ALCS.)

Imagine the Angels aggressive, first-to-third offense with a guy like Teixeira to clean up the bases? When you third baseman weights 150, your three-hole hitter is a 120-pound shortstop, somebody is needed to push the runners across in bunches. Seeing Kotchman go is tough, but sometimes you have to give up something to get something.

The Angels certainly have gained some confidence against the Red Sox recently and the addition of Teixeira validates that confidence. Even more than regular season wins. And a quick note on that -- the Boston fans applause of John Lackey's performance seemed a little forced. Can't you give him a little credit? And who else, other than Keith Youkilis hits a two-run home run when the game already has been decided. He's like a modern day Rod Carew in that respect.

This is a good day for Southern California sports. Maybe this leads to the Chargers finally beating the Patriots and the Lakers getting over the Celtics next season. That might be getting ahead of ourselves, but this was a good start.

Super Bowl Buzz Kill: Chiefs

Do you think your team is going to the Super Bowl? Ha. Your team sucks. Why put yourself through the aggravation every year? The Hater Nation is here to bring you back to reality with the award-winning series, The Super Bowl Buzz Kill.

Why your team won’t win the Super Bowl: Kansas City Chiefs.

The Chiefs had one great player on defense last year – Jared Allen. So how did they reward his hard work? They sent him to a team that actually has a chance of doing something this year. Great for Allen, not so great for Chiefs fans.

You might ask yourself, how can the Chiefs expect to win the Super Bowl if they trade away the best player on the team? (Yes, better than Larry Johnson.)

The Chiefs don’t expect to win.

Maybe not ever.

Allen won a couple of games for the Chiefs last season all on his own. But what did it really mean? The team closed the year with nine consecutive loses and finished 4-12.

The Chiefs actually did the smart thing by trading Allen. Why pay him all of that money to play on a lousy team? They also should have tried to deal Johnson, too. (And hell, maybe they did.)

The Chiefs need extensive upgrades on both lines. They ignored the offensive line in the 2007 NFL Draft, despite the loss of Will Shields and Willie Roaf. But thanks to the Allen trade, they were able to land guard Branden Albert in the first round. That's a start.

The Chiefs used the fifth-overall selection on DT Glenn Dorsey who could be a dominant player like Allen was for the team. Add in guys like Turk McBride (a steal from last year) and Tambia Hall and there are signs of life on the horizon.

Temper that enthusiasm, however, because it looks like Brodie Croyle will be the quarterback. The guy looks more like Richard Dawson than Len Dawson thanks to that hair style. But the Chiefs are so committed to Croyle that there is a chance that Tyler Thigpen could end up winning the starting job.

Don’t worry, not many other people have heard of him, either.

The Chiefs also are looking at Devard Darling to start opposite Dwayne Bowe at receiver. Bowe had an impressive rookie season, but he is going to see more than his share of double coverage with Darling there.

So it seems that Carl Peterson’s 20-year rebuilding plan is starting to show itself. But sorry Chiefs fans, not this season.


(The odds of your team winning the Super Bowl, based on 1-to-5 Goodells. One being worst, five being best.)

Missed a team? You can click the Super Bowl Buzz Kill 2008 label to see the entire list.

Monday, July 28, 2008

Super Bowl Buzz Kill: Falcons

Do you think your team is going to the Super Bowl? Ha. Your team sucks. Why put yourself through the aggravation every year? The Hater Nation is here to bring you back to reality with the award-winning series, The Super Bowl Buzz Kill.

Why your team won’t win the Super Bowl: Atlanta Falcons.

The Falcons are like that average-looking dude who dates a girl way out of his league. Kind of like the episode of Seinfeld where George and Jerry get invited to all of these parties held by supermodels.

Sure life is good. You rub elbows with beautiful people. Everybody wants to hang around with you. Life is good. But then it all comes crumbling down.

That is what life is like for the Falcons during the Michael Vick era. They got a quarterback they didn’t deserve to get. The team was winning playoff games in Lambeau Field. Vick was a cover boy for nearly everything from Madden to soup. Even coach Dan Reeves started to seem a little cool. The Falcons were the "It" franchise.

How hot was Atlanta?

Nobody seemed to remember the “Too Legit to Quite” Hammer era. And that’s saying something. This team went to the Super Bowl in 1998, but they were never as cool as they were during the early years of the Vick era. Not even close.

Everybody knows how this story ends. Vick goes to jail. The Georgia dome is the most vacant Atlanta landmark since Sherman marched to the see. Now they are one of the biggest jokes in the league.

The sad part is now the team is going through its rebound stage. Bobby Petrino was a horrible choice. Kind of like taking home the town skank just because you knew that a.) you could and b.) she would be gone before the night was over.

Now the attention has turned to new quarterback Matt Ryan. The Falcons are trying so hard to establish Ryan as a legitimate quarterback. Good luck with that. If Ryan was so good, why did he play his ball in that college hotbed of Boston College. (You got lucky with Doug Flutie once, you are arrogant to believe that this is going to happen again.)

The problem is, Ryan cannot be successful. This isn’t a knock on Ryan. Nobody could be successful the way the Falcons are trying to push him. They are trying to convince the world that Mindy Cohen is just as hot as the supermodel they used to date. And nobody is buying it.

The Falcons would have been better off just giving the job to Joey Harrington this year and let Ryan sit on the bench for at least a year. But the organization is trying to erase Vick and Petrino’s damage in one season and that just isn’t going to work. Things might even get worse before they get better.

Especially with new coach Mike Smith. This job needs a veteran coach who knows what he is doing, and they did the exact opposite. The situation is becoming so bad, you wonder how Arthur Blank made so much money with Home Depot.


(The odds of your team winning the Super Bowl, based on 1-to-5 Goodells. One being worst, five being best.)

Missed a team? You can click the Super Bowl Buzz Kill 2008 label to see the entire list.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

The Post Mortem

Wow, what a crazy weekend that turned out to be, right? The Yankees (and or Red Sox) are a bunch of douche bags. Keith Youkilis must be the most hated man in Major League baseball. How conflicted is he, having the look of a motorcycle gangster?

Clerks II is an awesome movie. Is there any doubt that Dante was going to end up with Rosario Dawson? She was way hotter than that other chick.

And then there's Eli Messiah. What a jerk.

Brett Favre probably did something. Ditto Terrell Owens.

Alright, you see through this already. The Hater Nation is still out in Las Vegas. And this might last for a while. Don't worry, those Super Bowl Buzz Kills were published in advance.

Friday, July 25, 2008

Super Bowl Buzz Kill: Lions

Do you think your team is going to the Super Bowl? Ha. Your team sucks. Why put yourself through the aggravation every year? The Hater Nation is here to bring you back to reality with the award-winning series, The Super Bowl Buzz Kill.

Why your team won’t win the Super Bowl: Detroit Lions.

The cheap way out here is to say two words: Matt Millen. Everybody has a big laugh and we move on to NFL teams instead of reviewing a glorified CFL team.

That’s not THN’s style, though. (Well, maybe a little.)

The Lions actually looked like a contender last season, racing out to a 6-2 record. Heck, Jon Kitna was starting to look like a genius for saying that this team could win 10 games.

But then the house came crumbling down like one of the many abandoned automobile plants that liter the city. Just as it always does. The Lions were actually Paper Lions. A huge loss to the Cardinals pulled back the curtain on the team as they won only one game the rest of the way to finish 7-9.

The club dismissed offensive coordinator Mike Martz because they hated scoring points. Seriously, the guy isn’t a great head coach, but his offenses do score points. Conversely, the removal of Martz might keep quarterback Kitna alive after being sacked a league-high 51 times in 2007.

Detroit will rely heavily on the running game this season under new coordinator Jim Colletto, meaning all of you fantasy geeks should draft rookie Kevin Smith. And even if the offense does score some points, there is the whole notion of the defense.

Coach Rod Marinelli (show of hands, how many of you actually knew who the Lions coach was?) has tried to push the Tampa 2 system that only works for good teams. And that’s the rub. Coaches that push their system on the wrong personnel are the worst. If you don’t have the players to play the Tampa 2, pattern your defense after you team’s strength.

Although the strength of the Lions defense is giving up points.

And the Lions have a funny way of trying to improve their defense. Now, most teams go out and try to get better players. The Lions, on the other hand, would rather give away their best players such as defensive tackle Shaun Rogers. The team did get Leigh Bodden in the deal. But that’s akin to fixing your car’s breaks by removing the tires.

Or trying to improve your team by constantly drafting quarterbacks. (Alright, one more Millen joke for the road.)


(The odds of your team winning the Super Bowl, based on 1-to-5 Goodells. One being worst, five being best.)

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Super Bowl Buzz Kill: Bengals

Do you think your team is going to the Super Bowl? Ha. Your team sucks. Why put yourself through the aggravation every year? The Hater Nation is here to bring you back to reality with the award-winning series, The Super Bowl Buzz Kill.

Why your team won’t win the Super Bowl: Cincinnati Bengals.

The Bengals have recently corned the market on a-hole criminals who double as football players. And Chad Johnson. The one constant, the one rock of the organization in recent years has been Carson Palmer.

Now Palmer has decided that he wants to get into the mix as a guy to grab headlines for things other than winning football games.

THN recently published an expert of Palmer’s blast against Ohio State fans. Here it is.

"I cannot stand the Buckeyes. It's amazing to hear what those guys think about that university and what they think about that football program and Tressel and all the crap I gotta put up with being back there. I just can't wait for two years from now when SC comes to the 'Shoe and hopefully we'll have a home game that weekend and I can go up there and watch us pound on them in their own turf. I'm really getting sick of it and I just can't wait for this game to get here so they can come out to the Coliseum and experience LA and get an old-fashioned Pac-10 butt-whoopin' and go back to the Big Ten."

Again, he’s spot on there. But then here comes the dreaded retraction.

"I'm a Trojan all the way, and I was talking to a Trojan audience in California. I guess I got a little fired up, as all good fans will do. But I really do respect the Buckeyes, and I know their fans are passionate, too. I hope they all understand I'm just looking forward to a big game for my school against a very tough opponent, and that it's all in the good fun of a rivalry. You don't have a real rivalry unless both sides are great teams."

This wasn’t as namby-pamby and limp-wristed as many retractions in the past, but still. Carson should have told Ohio State fans to suck it. Are there some Ohio State fans who root for the Bengals? Sure. But there also are a large number of Bengals fans who didn’t go to Ohio State. What about the people that live in Kentucky? Is Cincinnati as much a Kentucky suburb as it is Ohio? Favorite son Cris Collinsworth doesn’t even live in Ohio.

Don't apologize to those dopes, it’s not like fans show up to Bengals game anyway. What does this all mean to the team’s season? Not much. Other than Ohio fans would rather take pride in Ohio State – which has gotten destroyed in bowl games recently – than the putrid Bengals. Hell, the Bengals fans long for the day when they almost beat Joe Montana in the Super Bowl.

Expect that trend to continue.

The Bengals were one of the worst teams on defense last year, meaning new defensive coordinator Mike Zimmer will have some work to do. The team did makes some changes with first-round pick Keith Rivers and DE Antwan Odom could be an upgrade over departed Justin Smith. The running game also will be a huge question mark, too. Rudi Johnson seems to be healthy, for now, and if he can't stay on the field some of the all-time greats such as Kenny Watson and Chris Perry will be asked to carry the ground game. And heck, even if all of the cards aligned for the Bengals, Marvin Lewis is still the coach. This is just asking too much.

Maybe this is why Palmer is still living vicariously through the Trojans. Wouldn't you?


(The odds of your team winning the Super Bowl, based on 1-to-5 Goodells. One being worst, five being best.)

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Eli Messiah ... Indispensable?

First, some watch company made those idiotic commercials where they labeled Eli Messiah as "unstoppable," but ESPN has taken it one further. Some clown has listed Eli as one of the 10 most indispensable players in the NFL, joining the likes of Tom Brady, Peyton Manning, Adrian Peterson, etc. (Read on.)

And he was serious.

Seriously, how hard is it to just heave the ball in the air to Plaxico Burress, allowing him to make a play for the ball. Did this guy not watch the Super Bowl? What exactly did Eli do that nobody else in the NFL could have done?

Do you think that Jay Cutler could have run around and threw a ball to have David Tyree make a one handed catch? Is there an Arena Football League quarterback who couldn’t have thrown the ball to Burress when he corkscrewed a Patriots defensive back in the ground?

In fact, you could argue that the Giants might have been further along if they had another quarterback other than Eli Messiah. Hell, they might have won a couple of Super Bowls had they kept and protected Kurt Warner.

But hey, this moron roped me in like some marlin because I took the bait on this lame story.

Super Bowl Buzz Kill: Patriots

Do you think your team is going to the Super Bowl? Ha. Your team sucks. Why put yourself through the aggravation every year? The Hater Nation is here to bring you back to reality with the award-winning series, The Super Bowl Buzz Kill.

Why your team won’t win the Super Bowl: New England Patriots.

Patriots receiver Wes Welker is still a touch butt-hurt after the Patriots stunning loss in Super Bowl 42. But he's trying to move on.

"It's tough, but you know what? That's the way it goes and you've just got to bounce back from it and move on and keep working hard and get ready for the next year," the New England Patriots receiver said.

If you listen to members of the Colts who lost Super Bowl 3, they never got over that upset.


Even the win in Super Bowl 5 failed to ease the pain of losing to the Jets. (Something that many teams even feel now when they lose to the Jets.)

The Patriots are going to be forever scared and linked to that loss in Super Bowl 42. In fact, you could argue that the loss cast a shadow of the Patriots three previous Super Bowl wins. Even more so than the videotaping scandal.

Just look at the Dallas Cowboys of the 1970s. The won two Super Bowl titles, but those losses to the Steelers really stand out. Nobody remembers the Cowboys being the first team to hold a Super Bowl opponent without a touchdown. The Cowboys are remembered for Lynn Swann's acrobatics, Jackie Smith dropping a sure touchdown pass. Nobody remembers the wins.

Likewise, the Patriots will be remembered for being the only team to go undefeated in the regular season, only to lose the Super Bowl. There is probably nothing that the Patriots can ever do to make that go away. Well, other than going undefeated in 2008 and winning the Super Bowl.

But do you see that happening?

The truth is, the Patriots could very well win the Super Bowl and that still wouldn’t mean anything. A Super Bowl win would be as hollow as the space between Jeremy Shockey’s ears. Nothing is ever going to erase that point. Why even try?

Besides, Patriots now that the Red Sox have won a pair of World Series titles and the Celtics pulled an upset over the Lakers, nobody cares about you anymore. Boston fans no longer have to pretend to like you so they can have somebody to root for. Three titles in four years and you are still third-fiddle in the worst sports town in America. You have a decent team, but enjoy playing in a black hole.


(The odds of your team winning the Super Bowl, based on 1-to-5 Goodells. One being worst, five being best.)

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Super Bowl Buzz Kill: Seahawks

Do you think your team is going to the Super Bowl? Ha. Your team sucks. Why put yourself through the aggravation every year? The Hater Nation is here to bring you back to reality with the award-winning series, The Super Bowl Buzz Kill.

Why your team won't win the Super Bowl: Seattle Seahawks

The Seahawks will hang another banner this year to commemorate the 2007 NFC West title. The clubs fourth consecutive title, trailing only New England and Indianapolis who have won five consecutive divisional titles. The only difference is, Seattle doesn't win Super Bowls. The Patriots and Colts have won four Super Bowls in the decade. Seahawks fans scream about being screwed in Super Bowl 40. Quit crying, you only have your division to blame.

Winning the NFC West is akin to beating the computer on Madden football. As if the AI simulation of Matt Leinart spends his offseason in hot tubs with drunk, underage women. Playing against the Birds, St. Louis FC and 49ers will not get you ready for the NFC playoffs. How about some real competition?

Just look at the Patriots. The club’s three Super Bowl wins came when the AFC East was good. The division stunk last year and the Patriots went on to choke in the Super Bowl.

The division only compounds the some of the other problems of this organization. The other being the utter arrogance shown by this franchise believing that receivers and offensive linemen don’t make a difference.

The Seahawks have yet to get a receiver that can actually hang on to the ball. This has seemingly been a problem since Mike Holmgren has been there. True, they did go out and get Deion Branch. But that was a very Al Davis-like move, going after a Super Bowl MVP. A guy who had never reach 1,000 receiving yards in his career.

The Seahawks also have never recovered from losing guard Steven Hutchinson. Sure, you can point to the “poison pills” defense. The contract the Vikings gave him was too tough to match. Horse (expletive). The Seahawks could have signed him. Because the price they have paid (not winning and such) certainly has been a lot more steep than they would have paid. Think about it, would you rather have Hutchinson or Branch right now?

The loss on the o-line is only exacerbated by a horrible running back by committee. Seriously, this has to be one of the worst looking careers for a presumed division winner ever. Julius Jones believes he is an every down back. How about he goes out and proves it for once. Maurice Morris? Come on.

The Seahawks might have enough to get them to the NFC West again, but even that seems tenuous at best.


(The odds of your team winning the Super Bowl, based on 1-to-5 Goodells. One being worst, five being best.)

Monday, July 21, 2008

Super Bowl Buzz Kill: Jets

Do you think your team is going to the Super Bowl? Ha. Your team sucks. Why put yourself through the aggravation every year? The Hater Nation is here to bring you back to reality with the award-winning series, The Super Bowl Buzz Kill. Our countdown to Kickoff Weekend begins today with a very special guest.

Greetings The Hater Nation, I am Mr. Goodell! But you may call me Mr. Goodell.

I am thrilled to be here to kick off the Super Bowl Buzz Kill because it gives me more time to talk about my favorite subject: me, Mr. Goodell. There has never been a commissioner in the history of organized sports who has longed for attention more than I have. But only because I fail to recognize the existence of Vince McMahon. Truth be told, he was a better football commissioner, too.

But enough about me (I've never actually written that before), let's move on to the first team of this year's Super Bowl Buzz Kill: The New York Jets.

There are many of you out there (and you know who you are) who believe that last year's Super Bowl was fixed in favor of the New York Giants. My answer to that is ... you had dog damn better believe it was. That idiot who runs the NBA fixed his playoff so a team from Boston would win the whole thing. Lame. The real money is in fixing games and seasons for the New York teams.

Just not the Jets.

I'm a magician, but even I couldn't make a Jets Super Bowl championship seem credible. I debated long and hard as to weather making Eli Messiah a Super Bowl champion would be too fishy. Thankfully, you people bought it. (Morons.) Man, you really are dopes. Eli is bad, but would anybody buy Chad Pennington or Kellen Clemens as a Super Bowl champion quarterback? Trent Dilfer would find that to be a stretch. Not that it would matter if the Jets had a good quarterback. Who would he throw to ... Laveranues Coles? Jericho Cotchery? Good lord, this team's bad.

And just look at the draft. There were five "can't miss" prospects invited to the 2008 NFL Draft. And the Jets didn't get one of them. Instead, they got Vernon Gholston. They spent a sixth pick on the second-coming of Huey Richardson. (Figured I would go for the tired Mike Mamula comparison? There is a reason why I'm Mr. Goodell and you are not.) I thought that maybe St. Louis or the Raiders would be stupid enough to take Gholston, but instead you guys got him. To make matters worse, you had another first round pick and you spent it on a tight end. Good luck with all of that. You fans need something to boo about during draft day.

That's why I can't ever let the Jets win a Super Bowl. You guys are too funny on draft day. I'm afraid that a Super Bowl win would mellow you guys out. I just can't risk it. So take it from me, Mr. Goodell, there is no way that the Jets are going to win the Super Bowl this year. I personally guarantee it, or my name isn't Mr. Goodell.


(The odds of your team winning the Super Bowl, based on 1-to-5 Goodells. One being worst, five being best.)

Sunday, July 20, 2008

The Post Mortem

A columnist (not the Bish because he's been fired from ESPN 710, his second firing in as many years) believes that the Angels have sent a "Monster" message to the Red Sox with a three game sweep, and winning five of six from the jerks this season. Guaranteed to win the season series from the Massholes with a three-game series in Boston forthcoming.

Let's not get that far ahead of ourselves.

The Angels own a nine-game lead in the AL West. They have the best record in baseball. And the magic number is down to 56. But did they really send a message about the playoffs? Not really. The Red Sox are going to need to make the playoffs first. With that bullpen, don't assume that they will be in the postseason. The Angels, though, are going to need to prove that they can string together the clutch hits in the playoffs. Until that time, it is important to savor the small victories.

Namely, that many Boston fans paid hundreds of dollars, pumped some money into our economy just to see their beloved team lose. There is nothing better than seeing the red lights streaming up the 5 north, going back to Los Angeles to pout about their team losing. Again.

And why is it, that when the Yankees and Red Sox come to town, their fans always seem to be coming from LA? When Cleveland, Oakland, Seattle, etc. play in Anaheim, there is practically nobody heading north on the 5 after the game. But when it's the douche bag twins, all of the opposing fans come from up north. Obviously Los Angeles is littered with the broken dreams of Bostonians who moved to Tinsel Town to become actors, comedians and screen writers, only to fail miserably.

Much like the Sports Dork, Bill Simpson.

So Boston fans, thank you for paying all of your in-state taxes. Just be sure to enjoy the weather and the butt-kicking that the Angels just handed your crappy team. Oh, and sorry about those horrible accents.

  • Doing their part. Big congratulations go to James David and his buddy Patrick Sullivan for hosting a Palm Springs bachelor party this weekend. The event took four Red Sox fans to the desert, meaning that there were four less douche bags at Angels Stadium this weekend. Hey, every little bit helps.
  • The Angels swept the Angels, but is there any chance that will be the bigger story than Manny Ramirez circus antics in the outfield? He's like a right handed Barry Bonds out there.

  • Boston fans also need to stop crying about the injury to David Ortiz. The Angels went a couple of months without John Lackey and will not get Kelvim Escobar this year. Chone Figgins and Howie Kendrick both had significant injuries. Injuries happen, the only difference is that some fans don't invent a 'curse' to explain it all.

  • Figgins 10 RBI this season is very Rod Carew like. Only Figgins is a much better table-setter than Carew could have ever been.

  • The Redskins acquired Jason Taylor for a couple of draft picks. Dan Snyder was so good about not throwing away his money this year. Taylor, however, isn't a bad pick up. He should be in great shape.

  • Being away from Brett Favre coverage for an entire weekend was very refreshing.

  • There is enough money in the world to make me watch the ESPYs. That would probably only take about $250. But seeing that nobody is offering, the ESPYs was down one less viewer last night. And while on that subject, the whole notion of the Title Town series is extremely annoying. Like it or not, Green Bay is Title Town. End of story. Would there ever be a contest to determine the new Beantown? The new Big Apple? No, this is just ESPN's attempt to give another hand-job to New York and Boston because we know who is going to "win" this thing.

  • Padraig Harrington won his second consecutive British Open, coming seemingly from nowhere to defend his crown. Maybe it was his writer injury that kept him out of the talk about "who would take over for Tiger" but still seems strange that he was given nearly no consideration to win the thing. But hey, watch out for the Irish.

  • And not Notre Dame, either.

  • Carson Palmer is a huge fan of Ohio State. From FanHouse: It's amazing to hear what those guys think about that university and what they think about that football program and Tressel and all the crap I gotta put up with being back there. I just can't wait for two years from now when SC comes to the 'Shoe and hopefully we'll have a home game that weekend and I can go up there and watch us pound on them in their own turf. I'm really getting sick of it and I just can't wait for this game to get here so they can come out to the Coliseum and experience LA and get an old-fashioned Pac-10 butt-whoopin' and go back to the Big Ten. Word Carson, word. Spot on.

The Super Bowl Buzz Kill starts on Monday. You'd better be ready. Or not.

Friday, July 18, 2008

The Weak Ender

Stacy Keibler needs your help. The former WWF Diva is selling all of her clothes on eBay. Listen, sweetheart, if times are that tough for you, don't go selling all of your clothes. Take them off for Playboy instead.

This is what happens when these broads live the WWF. They believe they are on the verge of stardom. Instead they are one the Surreal Life and Celebrity Rehab.

Just kidding. Keibler is doing fine. Still won't do nude scenes but otherwise fine.

HT: Ring Posts

  • All of the big names are rocking the British Open. Greg Norman. Rocco Mediate. Tom Watson. Yes, Tom Freaking Watson. This is probably the best thing that could happen in a tournament without Tiger Woods. But don't get too far ahead. Watson is certainly a "feel-good" story right now, but that a course can easily kick out an 84, and the run is over.

  • Congratulations to Yankees pitcher Sidney Ponson. With the signing of Richie Sexson, you are no longer the biggest washout on the club. Maybe Sexson can get some of those drugs that Jason Giambi is using in order to fool the drug test. Maybe it comes in bottle form.

Eli Messiah being seems to be growing out of his britches. The youngest of the Manning clan has even been getting lines in commercials. That's right, they are finally letting Eli speak.

But just when you think that Eli has made a move up to the big boy's table, you see photos such as this from his wedding reception.

Same dorky white boy. And at least America's Soccer Mom is keeping him self useful.

And hey, do you want to see more photos from the reception? Go here.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Hornung's Advice to the NFL

Paul Hornung has a message to all of the young football players out there: Drink more beer and bang more broads. Hey, how come this guy wasn't invited to the rookie symposium? He would have been awesome. But the old coot was on Sporting News Radio recently and had this to say about the current state of NFL players. Hornung was talking about the late, great Max McGee when he unleashed this gem.

Via Larry Brown Sports

Monty: "You guys had a great life, but I don’t think you could live that lifestyle today."

Hornung: "Oh hell you could. You’re in such good shape, are you crazy? When you're 24-years-old, you weigh 215 pounds, you can work out every day of your life, you could make love to five girls a week and play 44 games of football. Hell."

He's a regular Gunny Highway. Or maybe he's more like The Bish.

The real question here is how he feels about today's internet gaming.

A UFC Event You Actually Want to See

The UFC is making a bid for the big time. Star (supposedly) Rampage Jackson went on a, well, rampage in Newport Beach being arrested on charges of felony evading, reckless driving and hit-and-run.

That's a nice start, fellas. But until one of your Hall of Famers kills his ex-wife and "friends" or a former champion is involved in a murder suicide, you will still be considered to be a minor sport. If you believe the "Tap Out" gear of that MMA-head in your office, "Go big or go home."

But there are a couple of questions here.

Jackson was supposedly involved in a police chase. Where was the coverage of that? Anytime a crack head goes on the run in Beaumont, the news choppers are all over it. But this they miss? Just awful. And for as much as they have been pushing the UFC (and other organizations down our throat) this is inexcusable.

And second, what the hell is up with the mural on the side of this guy's truck? Are you freaking kidding? Although, he did take that whole "Chris Henry wears his own jersey to commit crimes" thing to a whole new level.

For the final word on this subject, we turn to The Hatriot who sent along this email.

Clearly, some of the younger stars of MMA lack the emotional maturity to handle the pressures of the human cockfighting circuit. Regulations like those in place in the NBA or NFL might help these young glass-jawed bar-fighters ERRRR athletes make the transition into the spotlight. Therefore, I am proposing that all MMA participants be required to complete at least two years of coursework at the Junior High School level before being allowed to turn pro. Remedial Ed classes or Juvenille Hall tutoring sessions could be counted toward this requirement. Not only would this requirement aid in the development of future human cock-fighters, but it would also guarantee that the amateur parking lot circuit still has the talent level needed to maintain interest.

You know, he's got a point.

More photos.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Weak Yankees Fans

Leave it to the soft New York fans to leave an All-Star game early. How much did you end up paying for that ticket? And yeah, you'll get the crying, "Think of the children" crowd. But good lord, if you can't let your kid stay up late past his/her bedtime in the middle of July, then there is just no hope for our society.

Besides, the people in the stadium had no excuse as we were the ones forced to listen to Joe Buck who has to be the only person who could deadpan a porn a make it seem uninteresting. And really, it wasn't until hearing his uninspired call of David Tyree's miracle catch that you could really hear that Buck is the worst announcer in the history of the planet. If only he could follow Billy Packer's example.

Here are some other notes:

  • Don't be ashamed if you were rooting for the American League to lose after Sphincter Boy Papelbon let the National League to break the tie in the eight inning. You were not alone. Having the AL lose on Sphincter's blunder would have probably been the most fitting end for this game.

  • Reader Matt P. had it right -- if you didn't want Scott Kazmir to pitch in the game, don't send him. Have James Shields get in there. Or maybe Dustin Mosley could have pitched a few innings. Or better yet, how about letting some of the other starters work a few innings? Joe Saunders missed his start and could have thrown some more.

  • Michael Young may never play in a World Series, but he's helped decide home field advantage in two of them.

  • The Yankees should be cursed for getting rid of Yankee Stadium, but maybe that started retroactively back to 2001.

  • Keith Youkilis is the Douglas C. Neidermeyer of baseball. He will be killed by his own teammates before his baseball career is over.

  • You still have to be impressed the way that baseball celebrates its past. Compare that to the NFL which is nearly begging you to forget about anybody who played in the league. FOX paid tribute to Bobby Murcer, a decent player who recently passed away. Conversely, the NFL wouldn't let the Colts recognize the passing of Johnny Unitas -- arguably the greatest quarterback in NFL history. Baseball wins that one hands, down. And if they can get their network into homes, they would have that, too.

Manning Getting Some Work Done to his Sac

His bursa sac, you sicks. Gomer Manning will miss four-to-six weeks of recovery time after having an infected bursa sac removed from his left knee, the team revealed in a press release on Monday. (More ...)

There are rumors that there is nothing wrong with Gormer's bursa sac, instead this will just give him the opporutnity to do ads for some medical and wellness clinics, an industry he has been unable to tap until now.

Of course, THN readers know that it was really Jim Sorgi's mom who caused the bursa sac to get infected. But did she do enough damage? Probably not. Expect Gomer to be ready for opening day, much to Mama Sorgi's chagrin.

Monday, July 14, 2008

Romo Pulls a "Woody Austin"

Tony Romo had his golf tournament at Lake Tahoe end like both of his playoff performances -- he lost. But not before making a fool out of himself by falling into a pond while trying to hit a trick shot.

Yes, Aquaman has company. Say hello to the doofus Dallas Cowboys quarterback/attention whore Tony Romo as he falls backwards into the pond on the first hole at Edgewood Tahoe. That’s what Romo did in the American Century Celebrity Golf Championship (which is a boring name for the best celebrity golf tournament out there) on Saturday.

Romo tried to hit out of a bunker with an awkward lie and found himself tumbling into the pond, where he landed on his butt (otherwise known as the smartest part of Romo’s anatomy). Romo told the Associated Press, “I got wet up to my belly button.”

Thankfully, doctors said that swimming around in reclaimed water is still not as dangerous as fooling around with Jessica Simpson.

HT: FanHouse (which has video of Woody Austin doing the same thing).

Sunday, July 13, 2008

The Post Mortem

Brett Favre dominated headlines this weekend, as he and the Packers seemed to escalate their war of words. Favre, along with his agent Bus Cook, sent a letter to the Packers asking for a release. The Packers have said they will not cut Favre, but could probably find a role for him. In other words, he can come back up Aaron Rodgers. And everybody else said they were annoyed by the whole thing.

Really? Because most of the readers here hate baseball and love to talk about football. That is why Favre is a big story and the Major League All-Star game is not. Don't pretend you are annoyed by the whole Favre saga because this is just the kind of thing you are looking for to take you through the summer. You want that Favre drama. You need that Favre drama. is doing crazy numbers for the dead part of summer, and they are not coming to the site to learn how to play fantasy football. People are coming in to read about the latest Favre drama. Don't act like you aren't enjoying it.

The Packers have said that they will welcome Favre back, but that can't work. Rodgers deserves better than that, especially if they are intent on starting him. This is where you can't fault Favre. He understands that Rodgers is the man, and he's yielding to him. That's why Favre asked for his release. Also understand where the Packers are coming from. They can't just release him and let him go to a division rival such as Chicago or Minnesota.

The Packers either need to have a gentleman's agreement where, if they release Favre, he won't sign for an NFC North team. That would leave Favre with a chance to sign with one of the other 28 teams. Or maybe they can work out a deal to send Favre to Kansas City to conjure up images of Joe Montana leading the Chiefs to the playoffs. Heck, Al Davis is insane enough to offer up some draft picks to have Favre end his career with the Raiders. Tampa Bay also has been offered as another possibility.

But when you get down to it, Favre will likely see how much of a distraction that he is causing for the team. He'll see what he is doing to Rodgers and the gut call right now is that he ends up staying retired.

Then, you can be annoyed that he put all of us through this nonsense.

  • When does Jake Plummer get into the mix and come out of retirement?

  • Jose Canseco was quickly knocked out in his boxing match against Via Sikahema -- a former Golden Gloves champion. Could Canseco have started his boxing career against Screech or something? Why go after a guy who can legit box? Guess this means Canseco won't be fighting a kangaroo or anything after all. Damn.

  • Did anybody happen to catch Charles Barkley's "golf swing" during that celebrity tournament in Lake Tahoe? Wow, was this guy seriously an athlete.

  • Travis Henry tested positive for marijuana. Again. They say the side effects for smoking weed are munchies, laughing at Con Air and not remembering to put on a condom.

The Angels come to the All-Star break with a six game lead over the A's, though the Rangers figure to be the biggest competition down the stretch. They made it sound on Sunday's broadcast that Maicer Izturis could be made available for a deal. But instead of harping for a deal that won't happen, maybe the team should consider pushing Gary Matthews Jr. to the bench in favor of Juan Rivera. Sure, Sarge Jr. is pulling down a lot of money, but that was just a bad signing. Leave him on the bench to pinch run, and maybe pull some late-inning defensive duty. Because that guy has no business starting anymore.

BTW, anybody else bummed the Rays lost their huge lead to the Sox with a seven-game losing streak to limp into the break?

Thursday, July 10, 2008

The Weak Ender

Cowgirl has done it now. The Queen of the Weak Ender had to go an insult Erin Andrews. And if you follow The Big Picture, you would know that you never disrespect Erin Andrews or you will never hear the end of it.

Like, ever.

Cowgirl was on some Florida radio station when she made this brilliant statement (courtesy every site on the net):

"She's very talented. But it's so funny because if you look at her old tapes back when she worked at the Lightning, it was the most dreadful stuff you've ever seen in your life. People compare me and say, well, she's no Erin Andrews ... and I'm like, well, who's No. 1 on the computer. Suck it."

See, you just don't do that. The blogging world (outside of this site) just won't stand it. They all cry and complain, talking about how Andrews is a "real journalist." And Steve Lavin agrees.

What upsets me, however, is that Cowgirl has already backtracked and has half-heartedly apologized.

Why? Nobody likes you anyway, Cowgirl. The internets could use a good heel and feud that could only be ended in a "gravy match" on Monday Night RAW. Don't back down. Forget all of those bloggers backing Andrews because they feel like they have a shot. Pile it on.

  • Boy, any other week Paula Creamer and the Weak Ender would have been all you.

  • Wayne Weaver denied a report that the Jacksonville Jaguars are up for sale. The thinking being that a new owner would buy the Jags to move them to Los Angeles. No such dice. Besides, most fans would probably prefer some owner purchasing the St. Louis FC and moving the team to Southern California. Or maybe, if somebody bought the Jags, gave them to St. Louis and then moved the St. Louis FC franchise to Los Angeles. And to that scenario ... keep dreaming.

  • If anybody can give a logical explanation as to what the hell went on during the Angels 11-10 victory over Texas on Thursday night, that would be wonderful. The Angels blew a six run lead. Had three walks and a single in the ninth, but did not score. K-Rod dropped a bunt attempt that was popped up, and then threw the ball into center field. And they still won. Crazy. Oh, and if anybody wants to get out Michael Young just once in my lifetime, that would be super.

  • Jason Giambi and his mustache are not going to the All-Star game. Life makes sense again. See what would have happened Barry if you had just said you were sorry. For something. You didn't have to say what you did, just say you were sorry. Oh, and a mustache wouldn't hurt, either.
  • Late addition: Warren Sapp is an a-hole.

People seem bent out of shape that Elton Brand went back on his hand-shake agreement with the Clippers. Shocked might actually be a better word. But what people are forgetting are two things.

1. Brand went to Duke. And you can't trust anybody who went to Duke.

2. This was the Clippers. Do you really think that the organization was going to do anything right. The Clippers are like the NBA version of Al Bundy. If something good happens to them, then something is going to go horribly wrong. So when Baron Davis signed with the Clippers, the only logical conclusion was that Brand was going to leave the team.

The biggest shocker was that people were surprised.

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

Steelers Had "Don't Ask" Policy With Kordell

Kordell Stewart has long been the butt of gay jokes (pun intended) and it turns out his Steelers teammates felt the same way. Plaxico Burress opened up about Kordell on the radio and in his book, Giant.

From Shutdown Corner:

“It had to be tough on him personally. I didn’t call him gay or anything like that. . . . I think that’s one of the reasons why he really couldn’t become the player that he wanted to be. . . . It has to play on you mentally a little bit.”

And in his book:

People were talking about [Kordell] being gay,” Burress writes in Chapter 5. “The players heard that, but we never talked about it. I don’t know if Kordell is gay or not. It was none of our business. If ever we would have talked about it, it would have made everybody uncomfortable. If some player was gay, I don’t think he could come out while he was still playing. It would be real hard. It would mess a team up mentally and it wouldn’t be good for that person.”


“He had to watch the people that he hung around with. Just hanging out with your friends, or your boys and your cousins, all those things come to the surface. I think he just insulated himself after a while.”

The rumors were believed to reach its height when some enterprising writer started peppering his "Marquee Matchup" and "Post Mortem" columns with inside jokes about "Kordell's coming out party" against the Bengals along with other such nonsense back in the late 1990s.

Hell, even the Steelers couldn't bring themselves to joke about it.

Sorry, but this is all a load. Kordell threw interceptions and was unable to read NFL defenses because of the gay rumors? Sure.

Kordell just sucked as a quarterback. If he sucked off the field, that had nothing with his inability to perform on the gridiron. If the rumors were really getting to him, why didn't he marry a playmate and get her pregnant with a turkey baster?

Good Thinking, Packers

The Packers want to "move on" according to published reports. They do not want Brett Favre to come out of retirement.

That's good ... that's good thinking. The Broncos were probably thinking the same thing when John Elway walked away. The team was probably excited to finally see what they had in their "quarterback of the future."

And how did that work out for them?

Aaron Rodgers might some day be a good quartetrback. Hell, he looked great against the Cowboys when he came in following Favre's arm injury. But Rodgers got hurt himself. Rodgers hasn't been able to stay healthy for an entire year. The team even went out and drafted Brian Brohm. So why would you be saying no to Favre again?

Sure, the retirement talk has become tiresome. The interceptions, too. But the guy almost had the Packers in the Super Bowl and you want to "move on" to a 7-9 season? Because that is what is going to happen if you start Rodgers this season.

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

Did You Ever Know, You're My Hero?

Brian Bosworth and Tony Gonzalez performed acts of heroism this weekend.

Bosworth helped save a women's life when he helped to pull her out of her rolled SUV following an accident in Canada. This, of course, led many a blogger to say snarky things like "Too bad he couldn't save his own acting or playing career." Ooh, burn. People were actually surprised that it was "Bosworth of all people" (as one a-hole put it) who saved a woman's life. What, just because you appeared in the remake of the Longest Yard means that you won't save somebody?

Grow up, people.

Gonzalez gave the Heimlich maneuver to a choking man in a restaurant. Of course, news reports had to point out that the choking man was a Chargers fan. Marty Schottenheimer perhaps? But they act stunned that Gonzalez would help a Chargers fan. Like Gonzalez would get up, see the guy's Chargers shirt and say, "Choke on it (female dog)."

Hey, it's not like he's a Raiders fan.

And somewhere, Terrence Kiel's soul looks down and asks, "Where were you mother (expletives) when I drove home drunk from a Fourth of July party?"

Still, there is one thing that bothers me. Remember those commercials where they showed people performing good deeds that beget more people doing good deeds? Like the woman who pulled a pizza delivery guy back on the curb before he ran into a delivery truck. The basis of the commercial, evidentially, was that the delivery boy would have been toast if that woman hadn't seen some dude help the old Asian man with his luggage at the airport. Or if that dude hadn't seen that one woman stop a basketball from going into the streets. And so on, and so on ...

In other words, that Chargers fan and car-wreck lady are pretty lucky that Gonzalez say a young man help an old woman cross the street. Or Bosworth saw a fireman get a cat out of a tree. Otherwise, who knows what could have happened?

And here's one other beef with those commercials. What if those people weren't supposed to be saved? What about that woman who saved the pizza delivery boy. What if she turned on the evening news one night and saw that the delivery boy had murdered a family? How would she feel then? Maybe God wanted that kid to walk into the delivery truck and you ruined it?

Like what if you were walking through the airport and some dude dropped something on the ground? And you're like, "Excuse me, Mr. Atta, you dropped your plane ticket and box cutter on the ground here."

Hey, I'm just saying is all. Just something to think about.

But congrats Tony and Brian.

Raiders Not Totally Useless

Hard to believe that the Raiders were actually good for something. Other than their fans teaching Red Sox fans how to act like morons. But the Raiders had a profound impact on -- fantasy football. That's right, the former Raiders owner invented fantasy football. Which is fitting considering that the current Raiders owner is living in a fantasy world if he believes that Javon Walker is going to have any sort of impact for the team this year.

Monday, July 07, 2008

This Is Why Youkilis is an All-Star

If Keith Youkilis played for any other baseball team, he'd just be a decent ball player with a personality problem. But with the Red Sox and their idiotic fans, he becomes an all-star. Mainly because Boston fans have an unhealthy view of the sports world.

Just how unstable are the Red Sox fans?

They attacked a young father because he was driving a car with New York plates. He wasn't flying a Yankees flag. Didn't have a Yankees bumper sticker. Nor was he wearing any Yankees gear. But that didn't stop Red Sox fan from attacking him with an aluminum bat.
William Nestor, a commercial diver from Northport, LI, was returning with his family from a Fourth of July fireworks display in Falmouth, Mass., when he was attacked - allegedly because he had New York plates.

"The guy hit me with an aluminum bat," Nestor told The Post after returning home late last night. "I never saw it coming."

Nestor, who was stuck in heavy traffic after leaving the fireworks show at 10 p.m., said he noticed a group of hooligans harassing people in several cars.

But they seemed to be targeting cars with New York plates and cursing at them.

"They were yelling, 'Yankees! Yankees!' and 'F - - - New York' " Nestor, 29, said. "When they saw the plates, they came at me.

"I didn't even know the Yankees and Red Sox were playing" this weekend, added Nestor, who's not a particularly big baseball fan.

Did it ever register with these morons that maybe some New Yorkers were Mets fans? Even so, Red Sox fans, and Massholes in general, are really starting to give Raiders fans a run for their money at the bottom of Darwin's food chain. This is the second major incident between Yankees and Red Sox fans. Recently, a Yankees fan received damage to her car when some a-hole Sox fan flung his body into it like an idiot.

Seriously, if having Casey Kotchman miss the All-Star game means that Angels fans aren't attacking people with aluminum bats, then so bet it.

Who Won Wimbledon Anyway?

Ana Ivanovic didn't win Wimbledon this year (probably losing to one of the Williams brothers). But she is the champion of our hearts as she recently posed for FHM UK. (Seriously, FHM is still around? Next you'll say that Stuff is still around, too.) But what's funny here is that Ivanovic actually waited until she won a Grand Slam title before actually posing for a men's magazine. Good thing that "other" Anna didn't do the same thing, otherwise we would have never seen her.

Hit that link above for more photos.

Sunday, July 06, 2008

The Post Mortem

Complaining about the All-Star game voting is about pointless as telling A-Rod not to go over to Madonna's house late at night. But, if you will allow the indulgence, here are a few peeves about the All-Star game.

For starters, there are too many Rays and Angels on the roster. Sure, the are a combine 11 games in first place, but five players? Thankfully only one of them is a position player. And again, thanks for it being the well-known Dioner Navarro. Still, this is shameless.

Where are all of the Texas Rangers? The third-place Rangers have won 46 games this year. That's like 80 for a regular team. The Rangers deserve more than the four guys they have on the all-star roster.

Not enough closers. How many closers are on the roster? Six? That's not enough. What they should do is have nine closers, one for each inning. That would be awesome.

Now, you would like to dump on Terry Francona here. But all of the undeserving Sox on the roster (which would be most of them) were elected by the fans and players. Meaning, the players are just as dumb as the fans. But let's not be so quick to give Francona a pass here. If Mike Lowell gets in over Even Longoria, then something is horribly wrong.

Still, since this game is for home-field advantage, it would be nice to give the first place teams a chance to play in this game seeing that it will most likely impact them. Seriously, how comfortable will the Rays, Angels or White Sox feel if Jason Varitek comes up in a key spot? Do you want home-field advantage riding on his Manny Mendoza-like average? The Sox are on the team, there is no need to play them.

Thursday, July 03, 2008

The Weak Ender

Maybe it's time to get into women's softball. The DC Buzz are a professional fast-pitch softball team featuring former ASU infielder Bianca Cruz (pictured) and former Arizona star Taryne Mowatt. Wow, they didn't go butch like the WNBA? The lesbians will hate them.

See more photos here, here and here.

Seattle loses its basketball team, but still gets to keep the Sonics name and records. That is a small consolation, but it’s better than watching your team move, keep its damn name, win the NBA title only to have the owner take the microphone and say, “Leaving that (expletive) hole Seattle was the best thing I’ve ever done since drowning my husband.”

That owner is a piece of garbage and you would be better off without him. But the NBA is crooked. The league is fortunate that Comcast is cool with them, or they would be open to an investigation. This league, it’s almost criminal and really, they have less credibility than the Arena League right now. I’d rather watch the DC Buzz than watch a regular season NBA game.

Brett Favre maybe be coming back to the NFL, but you get the feeling that the Packers aren’t too excited to have him back. And you can kind of see their point. The Packers got about as far as they will ever get with Favre last season. The team finally wants to see what they have in Aaron Rodgers as it moves towards the future.

Favre should then follow in the footsteps of other NFL greats who had some off-color curtain calls. Think Joe Namath with the Rams, Johnny Unitas with the Chargers and Joe Montana with the Chiefs. But the only one that really stands out is Montana and the Chiefs as he nearly led them to the Super Bowl. Favre would be a nice option for Raven, the Chiefs and the Giants who all could use an upgrade at quarterback.

And really, this Favre story is going to haunt us all summer, so he might has well just comeback and get it over with.

  • Daly sighting: On the road to nowhere with significance in his rearview mirror, John Daly made a pit stop last week. He made history by setting golf back 100 years in a Buick Open pro-am. With partner Kid Rock dressed in bib overalls and a white T-shirt, Daly wowed the crowd by hitting his ball off a full 24-ounce can of beer. The crowd chanted his name as Daly, the Kid Rock of golf, blasted his Bud ball about 300 yards. Rock, the John Daly of music, used a beer can to bank in a birdie putt. It's a wonder a tornado didn't touch down.

The greatest sporting event in the world happens on the Fourth of July – Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating contest. This is a place where America can show the rest of the world that we are so freaking sweet, that we eat hot dogs for sport! Hopefully those millions of kids who go to bed hungry each night will be able to gather around the television on July 4 (which is no long just an American holiday) to see this event. Enjoy your wheat bags, Ethiopia.

But here’s a question, are these competitors athletes?

Actually, Dave Smith of AM 830 out of Anaheim made a pretty good point about the athletes that compete in this event. Last year’s winner at 63 hot dogs (beating the Japanese guy). Are you closer to being, say, a professional golfer, baseball player, etc., or being able to eat 63 hot dogs in 12 minutes? No amount of training can prepare you for that.