Friday, December 19, 2008

The Weak Ender

There is a pregnant tennis player, but rest assured faithless readers, it’s not one of the hotties. Lindsey Davenport pulled out of the WTA tour. Davenport said that the pregnancy was a surprise, which seems odd because what else was she using that turkey baster for?

Kordell Stewart is going to be wanted for a paternity test soon.

But the big news – sorry NFL Week 16 – is the stuff going on with Mark Teixeira. ESPN columnist/part time Red Sox GM Peter Gammons had Teixeira signed with the Red Sox already. In fact, Gammons was hosting Scott Boras and the Red Sox brass at his home in Texas. (Alright, that might be a fib.) Why is the Boston media so hyper to have Teixeira in a Red Sox uniform? Don’t they have enough white guys for Dan Shaughnessy to root for?

However, being pushed to the brink with this Teixeira stuff, one thing is perfectly clear. The Angels would be better off with Manny Ramirez. For real. If given a choice between Teixeira and Ramirez, I’d take Manny every time.

In the words of The Bish – think about it.

The Angels already tried Teixeira last year and he hit .500 in the postseason with no extra base hits. Kendry Morales had more extra base hits in that series – he hit one. Time to move on.

What about Manny’s attitude? If Manny wants to act like an a-hole when the team is playing Cleveland, Kansas City or Chicago, so be it. Just show up to beat the Yankees and – more importantly – the Red Sox. Then we’re cool. In fact, we can work out a contract that will make Ramirez only available for those series. And against Seattle. Then, do whatever you want.

The time has come for the Angels to sell their souls and embrace Manny. In the meantime, let Teixeira sign a long-term deal with the Nationals, lose a bunch of games and allow his c-bomb wife to live on her precious East Coast.

  • The Cowboys are playing their final regular-season game in Texas Stadium. You can talk about the mystique of that place all that you want. But they lost all of it when they allowed Terrell Owens to wear the home uniform. You could have always hated the Cowboys for their goody-goody image or that stand-up-set thing that their offensive linemen did during the 1970s. But when they signed T.O., the guy who mocked them in their own house, that was too low.
  • And yes, there are some parallels of the Angels embracing Manny, but not quite. Manny was won a pair of titles. T.O., not so much.
  • Punch yourself in the face if you want to see: The Battle of Ohio. Honestly, good luck even finding fantasy value in that one. Even Sam Wyche himself wouldn't even lower himself to watch that one. Other games on this list include: 49ers at St. Louis FC and maybe the Monday night game. Honestly, a late-season Packers vs. Bears game that just isn't interesting. You have to go back to Lynn Dickey to remember the last time that happened.
  • Upset special of the week: The Lions will break through. They've been too close. The Saints can't win on the road and have given up on the season. This means too much to the Lions. And Lee Roy Selmon.
  • The Birds could convince a lot of people that they are legitimate if they could win at New England. But the people they need to prove it to the most is the Birds, themselves.
  • The Steelers and Titans is not an AFC Championship Game preview because one of those teams are going to lose in the playoffs. Book it.
  • Would you rather see the Lions go 0-16 or the Chargers to find a way to win the AFC West at 8-8? Winning the division with eight games isn't as cool as a below .500 division winner, but it would be cool. If the Birds play their cards right, they also could be looking at an 8-8 championship. Imagine that, an 8-8 team clinching the playoffs with six weeks to play. Or so it seemed.
  • The Bills beating Denver seems more plausible than the Chargers winning at Tampa Bay.
  • THN jinxed Raven last week. Our new pick to click in the AFC -- the Miami Dolphins. From 1-15 to the Super Bowl.
  • Quick, best Alan Rickman movie.
  • How shaky is Eli's confidence this year? The Messiah was sacked eight times last week, and now the Panthers are coming to town. Now, it seems that a lot of Giants fans like to make excuses about protection or Brandon Jacobs being hurt. (You did Plaxico Burress yourselves, so you can't use that one.) Hopefully Jacobs will return so that our point that a.) Eli blows and 2.) Plaxico made the Messiah can be played out on a national stage. Eli has never looked like the kind of guy who enjoyed playing football, rather going through the motions like John Moxon in Varsity Blues. Maybe the question is, will Eli even bother showing up this week?

There is a video floating around of some dude on the Price is Right nailing the exact score. Something that hasn't happened since the early 1970s. If you see the video, Drew Carey is so nonchalant about the whole thing. You can see the video here.

First off, how did that first chick come so damn close? And second, why is Carey deadpanning the whole thing? Will Leitch (the real one) has a theory on it being a retape which is the only explanation. Maybe there was too much cussing going on. Because really, if you nailed the price of the Showcase showdown, you are going to cuss, right? There has to be no other way. And really, if you came within $500 of the total wouldn't you kick over the set or something. I imagine that chick probably tried to beat the hell out of Carey.

That's the only reasonable explanation because this was some of the worst acting since, well, the Drew Carey Show. Even then, he couldn't keep a straight face. (And his whole, "This hasn't happened since ..." came way too quickly.) This is a fake, right?


DAWUSS said...

The Dolphins and Jets are going to lose this Sunday, and New England is going to the playoffs. Take it to the bank, cash it, and spend it.

Y2Jerichoholic said...

Rumor alert:

Word on the street is that some Price is Right looney fan memorized the retail value of the showcase prizes and shouted out the total. Dude picked up on this and used it as his bid.

Carey basically no-sold the excitement as he and the producers felt that dude was a cheater (which he wasn't as how many times do you hear that crowd shouting out bids and contestants using them), but like other game shows in the past (Press Your Luck, 21, etc.), they went along with it and continued on. You can see that Carey is pissed.

Also, best Rickman movies (There's more than just one):

1) Die Hard -- Hans Gruber is a fucking pimp.

2) Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves -- his over-the-top (not Stallone) portrayal of the Sheriff of Nottingham is beyond stupendous, it still holds up nearly 20 years later. (Not so much patron saint of Fulleron Kevin Costner's "accent")

3) Dogma -- If Alan Rickman isn't the voice of God, then who is?

Tommy Tuck Rule said...

You asked for miracles Theo? I give you the F...B...I.

THN said...

I read up on it, and it looks like they have a 45-minute break looking to see if there was any cheating. They should have told him to take a hike.

Sammy Baugh said...

What's a guy gotta do to get shout out here?

Drew fucking Carey, for chrissakes. . . . .

Yiddish Steel said...

Best Alan Rickman film? The dude is always a Supporting Actor, never a Lead. I'd say his best performance was as that Fake Star Trek Character in Galaxy Quest.

Mike "Mad Dog" Bell said...

I'm with Sammy Baugh

Sun Devil said...

The correct answer is Die Hard With a Vengeance.

The Broncos will clinch Sunday, due entirely to the Chargers choking in Tampa. No Jeff Garcia joke intended.

R.J. said...

Detroit will find a way to lose Sunday's game. Bank it and buy some distressed homes near 8 Mile while you're at it.

As for Lindsey Davenport getting knocked up, isn't Shawn Kemp trying another comeback?

Anonymous said...

Best Alan Rickman movie?
1. Die Hard
2. Dogma
3. Galaxy Quest

Peter Robert Casey said...

Hello there,
I am Peter Robert Casey and I am a basketball columnist. I have initiated an idea to create a sports blogroll where bloggers from all sports disciplines could participate. All you need to do is to add my blog link to your blog and i'll do the same. That way, we could have a mutual partnership and we could refer visitors to each other's blog.
Please let me know if you would be interested.

Your's in Hoops,
Peter Robert Casey

Kyle said...

Rickman's the shit. He scores major points for banging his hot secretary in Love Actually. Yes I have seen, and yes I did like it. Galaxy Quest is a solid outing for him, too.

Also, Merry Bowl Season to you Hater!

Diane said...

Yeah sure. Like I'm the only one who watches the Harry Potter movies.

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