Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Obama's Election Good for Bloggers

For those of you concerned, we at The Hater Nation will not let the Fairness Doctrine force us to be fair and balanced towards the Raiders. If anything, we will resist and become even more obnoxious.

Like half of you, I'm really excited that Obama has been elected president. Mainly because I have already spent my welfaaaaaaaaa, uh, redistribution of the wealth. And that works out for most bloggers, too, because none of you – outside of Bain – is pulling in the magical income of $250K $200K $150K. No matter how far that number tumbles, it won't reach you.

But the only thing more enjoyable than getting that free money would be if you were able to pick the exact wealthy person you could take the money from. So here is a running lists, pros and cons of wealthy Americans who could be paying me to run The Hater Nation.

Adam Jones – This would be a great choice, except that you would have to use his money to ‘make it rain’ at a strip club. And if you want to keep in good graces of your spouse (only of the opposite sex if you live in California), you should probably stay away.

Al Davis – Forget it. You would have the blow the money on overrated cornerbacks and receivers. But at least you would save money on a head coach.

Alex Rodriguez – His money must be spent on helicopters, but the perk is you get Debbie Gibson instead of Madonna. (Seriously A-Rod, Madonna?)

Barack Obama – Nah, his money only comes in change.

Brittany Spears – You would just end up losing your money to some free loader from Fresno. But the bright side is that you don't have to spend any of it on car seats.

Frank Caliendo – Hope that his money is dispersed before his 15 minutes of fame is over and everyone in America hates him.

Fred Goldman – Your share of his money should be spent on OJ memorabilia so he can get some of the profits back.

Hulk Hogan – Hope that his money is dispersed before his divorce and son's civil suit are settled. The rest of it -- like money from George Hamilton -- will be spent on tanning beds.

Javon Walker – Nah. You would be required to spend the money on expensive champagne that you would then spray on a crowd in Las Vegas. The downside is that a couple of a-holes will mug you for the rest.

Jerry Jones – A lot like Al Davis money, but you do have a plastic surgery allowance.

John Daly -- Get to spend the money blacking out at Hooters and golf. Wow, how can you turn this down?

John McCain – He should have plenty since he didn't spend any on his campaign.

Jose Canseco – Oh wait, he's got his hand out for A-Rod’s money. But he's already had Madonna.

Kobe Bryant – Your share of his wealth would be used to spend money on expensive jewelry for your spouse. Might not be a bad option if you take some of the money from Adam Jones.

Mike Shanahan – Your share might come out of one of five different wallets.

Mr. Goodell -- Won't really matter to him because most of his money will just be coming back from the players he fines.

O.J. Simpson -- Money must be spent on finding the real killers, new sunglasses and Bruno Magli shoes.

Paris Hilton – Your money is no good at other crappy hotels. And you can't use it to purchase underwear.

Pete Rose – The good is that you get to use all of the money on gambling. But you can never go to the Hall of Fame. That's a tough one.

Reggie Bush – Your share might come in the form of a third party, check it that's legal.

Sarah Palin – You can only use this money at consignment shops and lipstick for your pitbull.

Tom Brady – All of the money must be earmarked for a super model who will pretend to be your girlfriend. If you chose Jeff Garcia, you have to up the ante for a Playmate who will act as your wife.

Travis Henry – Get in line behind his kids.


The final choice: Joe Buck. And really, it’s not his money because he’s been living off his dad’s name for so long. But I would take that money and spend it on the opposite company he endorses. He pitches for Holiday Inn? I’ll stay at the Marriott. Buck rents from National, I’ll be at Hertz. He drinks Bud, I drink Coors Light. Get ready Joe, I’m coming to spend your money

12 comments:

Kordell said...

Kordell - You must spend it being all about the hotties.

Bokolis said...

It is good for Bloggers. God Forbid I put more of my energy into my work. I'd wind up on that list.

If I pick McCain, do I also get access to his suga-daughter's funds? If not, I'll take the OJ plan. OJ has exploited that it doesn't say how and where you can look for the real killers, an easy blueprint to follow

R.J. said...

I won't stay at the Marriott after the passing of Prop 8. Gotta make those Mormons pay for their bigotry somehow.

Here's a few write-in candidates...

Jeff Finger -- He got $14 million from the Leafs and never submitted his absentee ballot.

Gilbert Arenas -- He didn't vote, and he's got lots of money.

Diane said...

Sarah Palin - I'll take some of the cash she makes selling her wardrobe on eBay.

THN said...

How come we haven't thought of a good one for Joe the Plumber?

Bob The Beggar said...

'Cuz Joe ain't got no money. He needs a sweet book deal like Rodham and Hussein got, then we can get some of that "shared wealth".

Terry Foster said...

A motivated Rank is a good thing. Shame you don't put this much effort into your work. You could be a featured columnist by now.

Joe the pretend plumber said...

All I need is to:

get a plumber's license
pay my back taxes
stop beating my wife

And I'll be rich, rich I tell you.

Oh and actually start a business.

Bain said...

Turns out Joe The Anti-Redistributionist was on the welfare as a kid.

Republicans, is this really all you got left? Joe The Tax-Cheating Hypocrite and the Wasilla Hillbilies gettin' gussied up up at Neiman-Marcus with an RNC debit card?

I pray that you dopes don't learn a lesson from this snot-kicking.

R.J. said...

Joe The Deadbeat needs to pay a $1,100 hospital bill, too.

The Hatriot said...

Hey "Bob", sucks being on the wrong end of history, huh?

Tell you what, why don't you go round up Joe (who's really named Sam) The Plumber (who's not really a plumber. Hell, I can swap out a ball valve) and, after he pays his back taxes and medical bills, you and he can move into Bible Spice's old trailer park in Alaska. We Real Americans have eight years of your pet monkey's shit to clean up. Oh and by the way, that's PRESIDENT ELECT BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA to you. Kthanxbai.

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