Thursday, September 18, 2008

The Weak Ender

Eddie Guns feels bad about screwing the Chargers and is taking the time to answer disgruntled fan’s emails after his boneheaded call.

"I'm getting hundreds of emails – hate mail – but I'm responding to it all. People deserve a response," he wrote to several Chargers fans according to The San Diego Union-Tribune. "You can rest assured that nothing anyone can say can make me feel worse than I already feel about my mistake on the fumble play. You have no idea . . .

"Affecting the outcome of a game is a devastating feeling. Officials strive for perfection – I failed miserably. Although it does no good to say it, I am very, very sorry."

Good lord, how long do you think those emails are? The guy certainly doesn’t mind cutting loose when he’s rocking the microphone during an NFL game, what do you think the guy does when he’s on the email? That has to be quite lengthy. Like extended version of Almost Famous long. You can almost picture Eddie Guns, sitting around in a wife beater, sipping merlot and addressing the morons that actually would bother to a.) look up his email and 2.) actually send him one.

“Dear BoltMan420,

Thank you for taking the time to tell me how much I blow. Both literally and figuratively.

You know, in all my many, many years of being an NFL official, I have had but one ideal. Perfection.

I prefer perfection. Be it the perfect shrunken referee T-shirt that completely accentuates my perfectly sculpted guns. Or me, calling the perfect NFL game.

But unlike my perfect guns, I was not perfect on Sunday in the National Football League contest between the San Diego Chargers and the Broncos of Denver. A rivalry that has gone on since the glory days of the American Football League.

I remember watching those AFL games with my dad. He made me do 10 push ups for every touchdown scored. I did a lot of push ups during those games and ended up with my perfect physique.

But that’s beside the point. I want to apologize. I want to apologize for you to being a sorry sack of crap. I’m sorry that you care so much about a freaking football game that you would even bother to send me an email. Which, I might add, was not perfect like me. I’m going to tell you the same thing that I told Norv Turner.

Workout because you are looking flabby. And get over it. That was just a bad call. Besides, I’m not the one who hired Ted Cotrell. Jerk.

Ed Hochuli.

And before we start with the sweep of the NFL, must admit THN pulled its own Eddie Guns by failing to link over to Blog Cabins' Cage Fest. And specifically, our love letter to ConAir.

  • The St. Louis FC should be able to continue it’s march toward perfection at Seattle this weekend. The Seahawks need to win this game so they don't fall further behind the Arizona Cardinals. No, seriously.

  • The Birds are 2-0 and in control of the NFC West. But this Redskins game seems like one of those games where Kurt Warner either gets hurt or throws 3 interceptions and the team loses. Or the team is for real and they win. Not that the season comes down to one game, but it’s close. The Birds play at New York next week and will be staying on the East Coast for the week. If KWM and the Birds win this game, they could be well on their way to the playoffs. (Yes, it is early.)

  • The Marc Bulger death watch has been moved up to Week 8.

  • The Broncos are good, but it’s only a matter of time for Brandon Marshall once again “smacks a (female dog),” like Wayne Brady.

  • Mike Shanahan gloated this week that he was able to make it through one year and four games, noting that Lane Kiffin has to survive two more games to match is record. And then he has to find his own Hall of Fame quarterback to gravy train to two Super Bowls.

  • Punch yourself in the face if you want to see any of these games: Browns at Raven or Texans at Titans. Though, Bengals at the Giants looks awful, too. The NFL should really step in and remove Carson Palmer from the Bengals before his career is ruined. Too bad Palmer doesn’t have a dad who was an NFL loser who could demand where his son plays. That would be helpful.

  • The Patriots had one of those heroic games where they rallied around their fallen quarterback. But come on, you can’t buy this Matt Cassel stuff forever. You can’t just not play and then become a great NFL quarterback. He was lucky with Brady, but it’s not going to happen again.

  • Then again, can he be worse than Tyler Thigpen?

  • Or Gus Frerotte?
  • Free preview of the Mountain this weekend, the TV station of the best conference in college football. UNLV plays host to Iowa State, while Utah plays Air Force. How did we ever live before this station became available?

Arizona State is given no chance to defeat Georgia this weekend. And that’s pretty much how they would like it. The Sun Devils took some pressure off themselves by losing to UNLV. Now they can relish the underdog role and some are even giving the Devils a chance.

While the dreams of a 19-0 victory, like 1996, are dancing in the heads of the Tempe coeds, that just isn’t happening. This team doesn’t have Jake Plummer, the best college football player that season.

As much fun as it would be to rub the SEC’s face in it, this just isn’t happening. Everybody will just have to settle for USC running up the score on some overmatched SEC team in the title game. Provided one of them can get there.


Jeff Reed said...

What's with the terrible towel?

R.J. said...

I'm just happy that SDSU can't lose this week because they're not playing.

Kyle said...

RJ, don't underestimate Chuck Long and the 'tecs. They could schedule a scrimmage with O-Side High and get obliterated Saturday.

ASU's offensive line is horrible. As UGa. proved last year against Hawaii, you have to have a sufficient offensive line against them. Rudy Carpenter might actually die on the field.

iGrover said...

Why Cowgirl again?

Kordell said...

Why Cowgirl again?

Why not? If she's good enough for Kordell, she's plenty good enough for this crowd.

Sun Devil said...

Kyle, you're right. Rudy might be left in a crumpled heap of shit that resembles your blog.

It's going to be fun, because no matter what happens, the Devils will party in victory or defeat. We're better at that than anyone in the nation.

Kyle said...

Haha, OUCH! That's harsh man. I don't know what to say other than I'm impressed a Sun Devil knows how to use a computer. (Jokes by the way, just good clean fun.)

Mike Carey said...

I forgive you, Ed. But that doesn't mean I don't want the best games.

Fletch said...

I know almost nothing about college football, but I do know this: ASU ain't winning that game, and probably won't even come close.

WCT said...

this has to be the longest weak ender EVER! Who wouldve thought Adam would come up with a 20,000 word post in a USC bye week...

buckyor said...

Well, seeing as I'm the idiot that picked UCLA to roll over BYU, I might as well also go on record as picking ASU over UGA. Final score 4-3.

Call me a homer.

Kyle said...

Prediction: UCLA finishes 9th in the Pac-10. Neuheisel should thanks his lucky stars Bill Doba left such a mess in Pullman, otherwise it would be cellar or bust.

Kinda funny to see Neuheisel at a program that didn't come pre-stocked. If he follows his career M.O. of steady decline before jumping ship, does that mean in three years UCLA is 0-for?