Friday, September 05, 2008

The Weak Ender

Football is finally back. Though, if you like the college game, it returned a week ago. The Giants, however, arrived just in time to make fans long for those glorious days when teams could actually break the 20-point mark. You know it's getting ridiculous when your average football over/under looks like a MLB score.

The Giants used the formula that worked so well for them last year. Have Eli throw a bunch of passes that fall out of the hands of opponents. A smothering defense. And Michael Strahan mugging for the camera.

Hey, that formula has worked before.

For those of you lucky enough not to leave work early enough for the ridiculous 4 p.m. start, feel fortunate. You didn't miss anything. Eli did, though, make the world's longest 1-yard run. That was pretty impressive. You almost begin to wonder when the lucky is finally going to leave his side.

Here's a rundown of this weekend's NFL action, which can only promise to get better. Because really, it can't get much worse.

And as a special bonus. The Raiders (and final) Super Bowl Buzz Kill will be launched on Sunday morning. You probably want to miss it because THN exhausted its resources on the Hat, St. Louis FC and Giants SBBK. Just ask the guy who hated the Redskins SBBK.

  • Hit yourself in the face if you are looking forward to any of these following games: Detroit at Atlanta or Cincinnati at Raven. You can pretend that you are looking forward to the Matt Ryan/Joe Flacco eras. But you are not. Don't pretend.

  • How fitting would it be if Brett Favre suffered a season ending injury and noodle-arm Chad Pennington ended up leading the Dolphins to a win over the Jets?

  • Plaxico Burress is a rarity in sports, in that he signs a huge contract moments before his team's home opener, and then actually goes out and performs. He's obviously not a baseball player. Why did the Giants jerk that guy around so much anyway? Plaxico is the MVP of the NFL. If he makes the Messiah look like a credible quarterback, he is actually the true miracle worker.

  • People might have forgotten how dominant the Patriots were during the 2007 regular season. They will likely remind many of us when they snot-kick the Chiefs, who could be the worst team in football. The Patriots will win that game huge, maybe even 70 points or something. Bill Belichick is going to be out to prove something and running up the score on the hapless Chiefs will do it.

  • Did anybody else think that Hurricane Gustav was kind of a let down? Like the biggest let down to hit New Orleans since Reggie Bush? But watch what Jeremy Shockey's presence does for Bush in New Orleans. He's going to have a crazy day against the Buccaneers. And did anybody else notice that Motley Crue's latest album could be a precursor to our next NFL team? The Saints of Los Angeles. Sweet, we already have our theme song. Nikki Sixx is a genius.

  • Add Jacksonville at Tennessee as another one of those games you don't want to see. Not that the teams aren't good. Watching Vince Young throw a football is like watching Robin Williams trying to do comedy. Some people find it funny, but it's mostly just painful.

  • The Chargers just seem poised for a letdown. Jake Delhomme is returning from Tommy John surgery. Steve Smith is suspended for two games. This seems like a perfect opportunity for the Chargers to have a meltdown that many predicted a year ago. It won't be Philip Rivers fault though. Ron Borges ripped him in a recent article by claiming that Rivers is on the hot seat. Where is that Billy Volek lobby coming from? Rivers is the least of their worries. LaDainian Tomlinson has something to prove. Shawne Merriman has something to prove. Eric Weddle has something to prove. Antonio Cromartie needs to prove that last year wasn't a fluke. And really, Norv Turner still has a lot to prove, too.

  • Kurt Warner is going to be even better than expected against the 49ers. What more does this man have to do to cement his Hall of Fame candidacy? A Super Bowl run? MVP? He's in if he gets the Cardinals to the playoffs. And be ready to beat the rush to add J.T. O'Sulllivan to your fantasy roster. Mike Martz is not a good head coach. But he's been wonderful to fellow journeymen such as Warner, Marc Bulger and Jon Kitna. Having him choose O'Sullivan over Alex Smith should have been no surprise. These are the kind of guys that he is comfortable with. And the offense is going to be decent.


  • One lucky blogger was able to land an interview with Cowgirl. Quite a scoop because it seems that Cowgirl is the kind of lady who doesn't like a lot of publicity. The second half of the interview should run today.

  • Chad Johnson has officially changed his name to Chad Ocho Cinco. Congratulations to Yahoo! Sports who already have changed its players page to reflect No. 85's new name. NFL.com, the league's official site has yet to make the switch. Maybe it is the doing of Mr. Goodell himself. Seriously, does anybody else believe that Mr. Goodell is going to end up fining Ocho Cinco for having his own name on his jersey?
  • San Diego State plays at Notre Dame this week. If the Irish drops this one, maybe it's time to pull the plug. On the other side, nice knowing you Chuck Long. Your college coaching career mirrored your pro quarterbacking career.

AND FINALLY
The Angels are going to clinch the AL West against the New York Yankees this week. The Angels won't get a chance to eliminate the Yankees from the playoffs again, so this will have to suffice.

10 comments:

gaylord said...

C'mon who isn't psyched for that marquee Cinci-Baltimore matchup, it's the gambling highlight of the weekend, Joe Flacco might even be worse than Kyle Boller (for his first game anayway)!!!

Diane said...

Cowgirl has a bodyguard (Tim!) to protect her while she patrols the side lines . . .

Kill. Me. Now.

THN said...

I think Gaylord was here stealing picks for The Corner.

R.J. said...

If the Aztecs get within 28 points of the Irish I'd be shocked. We're going 2-10 this year if we're lucky.

R.J. said...

Something's wrong with that picture. Did Alyssa use an Epilady on her forearms?

Mike Martz said...

That's right. O'Sully to Battle is an unstoppable combo. I'll probably sign ricky prohl, az-zahir hakim, furrey, and shauny mac before week 3.

WCT said...

What? No Pac-10 college talk?? I was hoping for a breakdown of the Oregon State-Penn State game. Good to see a west coast team with the balls to come east

THN said...

Too much NFL this week.

Does USC going to Ohio State count? They will be there next year.

THN said...

BTW RJ, that wasn't cool at all.

R.J. said...

Sorry, man. It was just an observation.