Wednesday, September 03, 2008

Super Bowl Buzz Kill: St. Louis FC

Do you think your team is going to the Super Bowl? Ha. Your team sucks. Why put yourself through the aggravation every year? The Hater Nation is here to bring you back to reality with the award-winning series, The Super Bowl Buzz Kill.

Why your team won’t win the Super Bowl: St. Louis Football Club.

As a special treat, a woman who made breast cancer seem cuddly, the former owner of the St. Louis FC. (Last warning, too.)

By Georgia Frontandrearie.

Greetings The Hater Nation Fans I am Georgia Frontand … dog damn it, now you have me saying it. I have had so many dog damn husbands, though, you can’t blame me for getting confused.

Don't think I haven’t noticed that you bastards have been using that phase. Not that I care that much. Looking over this crowd, there isn't a one of you who would be worth marrying and then killing. I haven't seen this many limp (expletives) since I walked into the locker room following the 1985 NFC Championship Game. You sissies make Jim Everett seem butch.

There are a lot of you who have suggested that I am a murderer. I won't come clean on that charge, but I have given some tips to my gal, Sarah Palin, in case she gets elected to Vice President. I really admire her. She was able to get to the top without having Pete Rozelle's (expletives) on her chin.

Don't be surprised if John McCain goes wading into the surf and never returns again if she ends up getting the VP gig. Her job will be a lot easier though. It's not like McCain is an Olympic swimmer, whose drowning would be highly suspicious.

And really don't be surprised if the White House is moved to some (crap) hole in the Midwest, either. What, you look surprised that I would dump on St. Louis. That place is a dump. St. Louis is the gateway to the west, because nobody wants to stay there. The city of St. Louis is the birthplace of many, many, many filthy whores and sluts.

(Editor’s Note: Georgia Frontandrearie is from St. Louis.)

You (expletives) do realize that when I folded the Rams and moved a team to St. Louis, I never moved to that dump. I stayed back in Los Angeles. I may have killed two of my husbands and gotten a third thrown in jail, but even I have my standards. The only thing I wanted from St. Louis was my money. So while your schools lack funding, your infrastructure is under disrepair, realize that my estate is still pocketing like $25 million a year. Do you think your dirt town could use that money?

Don't for a minute think that any of that money is going back into the team, either. I spent more money getting my (female body part) tucked than I ever invested in the team. It's no coincidence that the St. Louis offensive line typically played like (said female body part).

St. Louis FC is bound for a sequel this year. The offensive line still blows so hard, it reminds me of my relationship with Joe Kennedy. Orlando Pace is ailing, and that offensive line is going to get somebody killed.

In a year that is dedicated to my memory, it seems only fitting that the team will succumb to penny-pinching and tight fisted money policies. And speaking of tight-fisted, well, I don’t really want to talk about those Hollywood parties that I once hosted or how I treated the citizens of Orange and Riverside county. As the saying goes, a dirty skank never (expletives) and tells.

I must admit, however, that I’m disappointed that the team resigned Steven Jackson. That's not the Frontandrearie way. You trade outstanding running backs in their prime. You don’t pay them what they are worth. Morons.

So enjoy your final season St. Louis. If my idiot son, Chip Rosenbloom has any common sense, he will sell the team following this season. He said he's committed to keeping the team in St. Louis. But the only thing he’s committed to is receiving favors from bus loads of Midwestern kids coming to Hollywood looking to get into the movies.

Enjoy your season, because you will suck.


(The odds of your team winning the Super Bowl, based on 1-to-5 Goodells. One being worst, five being best.)

Missed a team? You can click the Super Bowl Buzz Kill 2008 label to see the entire list.


The Governor of the great state of Alaska said...

Amen, Sister!

Bain said...

Breast cancer. Fisting. Chin jizz. Blowing Joe Kennedy.

Pretty much what you'd find in any conversation about the Rams.

james said...

you really don't get the concept of working blue, do you? wow.

Mike Martz said...

Don't worry, I'll give you 2 wins, courtesy of my boy O'Sullivan blind-firing on 10 WR Shotgun formations.

R.J. said...

You just had to mention Sarah Palin. I'm expecting her to say in a double-wide behind the White House if McBush gets elected.
After St. Louis FC uses it to move their shit out west, of course.

Bokolis said...