Thursday, September 04, 2008

Super Bowl Buzz Kill: Redskins

Do you think your team is going to the Super Bowl? Ha. Your team sucks. Why put yourself through the aggravation every year? The Hater Nation is here to bring you back to reality with the award-winning series, The Super Bowl Buzz Kill.

Why your team won’t win the Super Bowl: Washington Redskins

Clinton Portis has made a career of coming up with goofy characters that he trolls out during press conference to great hilarity. NFL.com recently held a contest to see which character Portis would use this season.

Fans got to choose if he was going to be a dentist (Isaac Yankem anybody?), failed wrestler (again, Isaac Yankem), and environmentalist or prime minister.

Too bad fans didn’t have the option to vote for a fifth Portis character – a Super Bowl-winning running back. You know, Terrell Davis.

His characters, however, would be an upgrade over the current nickname used by the Redskins. Or as our own, The Hatriot would put it, The Racial Slurs. In fact, THN turned to the expert on the Slurs and The Hatriot came up with this synopsis.

They’re still the Slurs. They still have more questions than answers on the field. They’ll still be staring up at the collective sweat-stained crotches of the Jints and Boys at the end of the year. SlurFan will pin up that pre-season banner and grow misty eyed as thinks about the courage his franchise shows by standing up for all the old white men who can’t say “tar baby” or “kike” in public without fear of unjust recrimination.

You can understand, as an NFC East guy, deciding what team you hate the most is an almost Talmudic undertaking of scholarship, self-examination, and metaphysical revelation. A team that represents the most powerful men in America and uses its moniker to degrade the least powerful makes a pretty damn good case for itself…


THE GOODELL SCALE

(The odds of your team winning the Super Bowl, based on 1-to-5 Goodells. One being worst, five being best.)













Missed a team? You can click the Super Bowl Buzz Kill 2008 label to see the entire list.

4 comments:

Jeff V said...

I feel so let down. I've been looking forward to a good ridicule of my team, the 'skins, for what seemed like a million infinities and then when it actually arrives it is a steaming pile of poo.

All you had was some lame, cliched comment about racial tension that isn't there?

This is like if you were instants away from your "sexy time explosion" shall we say and when your partner cracks a hip. Sure you know that there is more important stuff to worry about but it sucks that you didn't get that gratification of having something done well.

Boo.

flohtingPoint said...

The Manifest Destiny's are going to continue to be mediocre as long as they insist on paying #1 money to #2 wrs and as long as Jason Campbell is tossing the rock.

Yiddish Steel said...

"an almost Talmudic undertaking of scholarship, self-examination, and metaphysical revelation."

Then you come to realize that a bunch of D.C. Elitists with Congressional Hall Passes get all the choice PSL-laden seats in the yard. That's money.

Kyle said...

Colt Brennan as starter by Week 7, book it.