Do you think your team is going to the Super Bowl? Ha. Your team sucks. Why put yourself through the aggravation every year? The Hater Nation is here to bring you back to reality with the award-winning series, The Super Bowl Buzz Kill.
Why your team won’t win the Super Bowl: New York Giants
Guest Hater: Mohammed Atta
Greetings American Swine!
True story – Originally I wanted to crash another plane into the Meadowlands. But then we heard Joe Buck wasn’t there, so we really didn’t see the point.
Just kidding! Actually, we were worried that another errant Eli Manning pass might knock us off course.
Besides subverting democracy, getting your civil liberties eroded, and goading your country into losing two wars, I’m most amazed that by boss’ actions managed to completely ruin your country’s most beloved sporting pastime last year, by forcing the government to make the Giants the least-deserving team ever to win the Super Bowl.
I mean, it must have been a government conspiracy, right? Because the Giants were borderline dreadful last year.
I know, because all our sleeper cells in SoCal had to watch them play on TV every f’ing week, at the expense of actual good games, and good teams. And you wonder why we’re so angry at America.
My friends in Guantanamo are always saying, “Yeah, we’re getting waterboarded every Sunday, but at least we don’t get Giants games shoved down our throat every week, like the chumps on the West Coast. Now that’s torture.”
Watching the Giants play offense last year was a travesty. Run for 2 yards on first down. Illegal motion - five yard penalty. Incomplete pass that should have been intercepted on second down. Heave the ball up the field 30 yards and hope for a miracle reception, penalty, or lame video replay decision on third down – that was the Giant’s playbook all season long! And it ended up working! Unbelievable.
And now that they’re champs, it will keep on happening. And other teams will try to emulate their lame style of offense. Your long national nightmare isn’t over!
I’d like to say a few words about the Giants players, but other than Eli and the great receivers who’ve saved his job over and over again, I literally can’t name any of them. I don’t have time to look at the roster either, I’ve got a busy schedule of blimp flying lessons this fall. Oh whoops, maybe I shouldn’t have said that out loud.
Anyway, now that prima donnas like Tiki, Strahan, Seehorn and Shockey are all long gone from the Giants, it’s just a matter of time before another media-whore player or two are found on the roster, and all NFL fans outside of NY/NJ can rally around hating the Giants again this season.
If hating the Giants, and all that they stand for, can’t bring America together, nothing will.
THE GOODELL SCALE
(The odds of your team winning the Super Bowl, based on 1-to-5 Goodells. One being worst, five being best.)
Missed a team? You can click the Super Bowl Buzz Kill 2008 label to see the entire list.