Thursday, September 04, 2008

Super Bowl Buzz Kill: Giants

Do you think your team is going to the Super Bowl? Ha. Your team sucks. Why put yourself through the aggravation every year? The Hater Nation is here to bring you back to reality with the award-winning series, The Super Bowl Buzz Kill.

Why your team won’t win the Super Bowl: New York Giants

Guest Hater: Mohammed Atta

Greetings American Swine!

True story – Originally I wanted to crash another plane into the Meadowlands. But then we heard Joe Buck wasn’t there, so we really didn’t see the point.

Just kidding! Actually, we were worried that another errant Eli Manning pass might knock us off course.


Besides subverting democracy, getting your civil liberties eroded, and goading your country into losing two wars, I’m most amazed that by boss’ actions managed to completely ruin your country’s most beloved sporting pastime last year, by forcing the government to make the Giants the least-deserving team ever to win the Super Bowl.

I mean, it must have been a government conspiracy, right? Because the Giants were borderline dreadful last year.

I know, because all our sleeper cells in SoCal had to watch them play on TV every f’ing week, at the expense of actual good games, and good teams. And you wonder why we’re so angry at America.

My friends in Guantanamo are always saying, “Yeah, we’re getting waterboarded every Sunday, but at least we don’t get Giants games shoved down our throat every week, like the chumps on the West Coast. Now that’s torture.”

Watching the Giants play offense last year was a travesty. Run for 2 yards on first down. Illegal motion - five yard penalty. Incomplete pass that should have been intercepted on second down. Heave the ball up the field 30 yards and hope for a miracle reception, penalty, or lame video replay decision on third down – that was the Giant’s playbook all season long! And it ended up working! Unbelievable.

And now that they’re champs, it will keep on happening. And other teams will try to emulate their lame style of offense. Your long national nightmare isn’t over!

I’d like to say a few words about the Giants players, but other than Eli and the great receivers who’ve saved his job over and over again, I literally can’t name any of them. I don’t have time to look at the roster either, I’ve got a busy schedule of blimp flying lessons this fall. Oh whoops, maybe I shouldn’t have said that out loud.

Anyway, now that prima donnas like Tiki, Strahan, Seehorn and Shockey are all long gone from the Giants, it’s just a matter of time before another media-whore player or two are found on the roster, and all NFL fans outside of NY/NJ can rally around hating the Giants again this season.

If hating the Giants, and all that they stand for, can’t bring America together, nothing will.


(The odds of your team winning the Super Bowl, based on 1-to-5 Goodells. One being worst, five being best.)

Missed a team? You can click the Super Bowl Buzz Kill 2008 label to see the entire list.


Kyle said...

Had Jamelle Hill written this, the Giants would have been compared to Stalinist Russia and the Pats would have been Hitler's Germany. America had to support the former to rid the world of the latter, but in the end both were horrible.

Fletch said...

That was my favorite one yet. Looking forward to more bitching from the SoCal folks this year.

Donal said...

I love how you guys consistently criticize Manning for throwing the ball to his receivers.

Granted, you are Raiders fans, so you don't know much about this, but the rest of the league refers to that as a passing game. Wide outs are used for more than attracting felony assault charges.

"That Montana pansy just kept throwing to all his receivers. Real QBs fall down and get sacked."

You want to know the Giants' biggest obstacle this year? THEY LOST 5 DEFENSIVE STARTERS! Talk about how the Front line now has to show proof of employment when they pass Giants Stadium security.

Is a little creativity too much to ask?

Bain said...

Is a little creativity too much to ask?

Well, you're certainly creative, wearing that ass like a hat.

Kyle said...

I love how you guys consistently criticize Manning for throwing the ball to his receivers.

Are you talking about the Eli Manning who threw 20 interceptions to 23 touchdowns last season and had a 57.1 completion rating?

I give Eli all the credit in the world for those four games in the winter, but let's not mention him in the same breath as Joe Montana given he was mediocre (at best) in the regular season.

Donal said...

I didn't mean to imply Manning was anywhere near that level. I just find it funny that

1) Raiders fans have the nerve to discuss quarterbacks (I can't be the only one expecting them to trot out Rich Ganon again this year).

2) They criticize one for throwing the ball to his receivers.

and all the bitching and moaning that goes here about the Giants games on TV, you'd think someone here might actually watch one.

buckyor said...

Granted, you are Raiders fans,

And I thought the GOP had become impossible to parody.

Diane said...

Wait, I've been coming here for 2 plus years . . . this is a site for Raider FANS? Damn . . .

Anonymous said...

Sheli doesn't throw the ball to his receivers. He heaves it up like he's playing "three flies up."

Bokolis said...

That was an accurate portrayal of the Giants offense through 14 games and one quarter. For the playoffs, they mixed in a few 6 yard hooks.

I'm sure that, having grown up on v2.1 of Sid Gillman's and Paul Brown's offenses, watching the Giants must seem like watching paint dry. You must know by now that the Giants' fan base kind of likes the trudge-along offense. Anyway, it serves you boys right, for wasting a SoCal Sunday on watching rugby for fairies.

THN said...

I don't know what the hell you just said there, but I love it.

Scott said...

My friends in Guantanamo are always saying, “Yeah, we’re getting waterboarded every Sunday, but at least we don’t get Giants games shoved down our throat every week, like the chumps on the West Coast. Now that’s torture.”

And yet you won't use swear words.

THN said...

Whoa, Scott ... this is a family site. We don't work blue here.

Kyle said...

Can't commenters curse? All you have to do is say, "Max, earmuffs."

THN said...

The comments are filthy, but we don't censor. There are just certain lines we do not like to cross.

Bain said...

We keep it clean around here, but every once in a while some cunt will go overboard.

Kyle said...

Cursing is the crutch of the inarticulate fuck.