Monday, September 01, 2008

Super Bowl Buzz Kill: Buccaneers

Do you think your team is going to the Super Bowl? Ha. Your team sucks. Why put yourself through the aggravation every year? The Hater Nation is here to bring you back to reality with the award-winning series, The Super Bowl Buzz Kill.

Why your team won’t win the Super Bowl: Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

Carmella Decesare (wife of Jeff Garcia) won the 2003 Playmate of the Year award, and then she opted for breast implants. Isn't that supposed to be the other way around? Carmella went from this natural, girl-next-door type of beauty into just another uninspired broad who appeared in Playboy.

And there’s a lesson in there.

Sometimes you just need to stick with what you have. Don’t try anything too fancy. You’d be hard pressed to find anybody who feels that Carmella made an improvement with her unnecessary enhancements.

The Buccaneers have long won with defense. Despite struggling in 2006, the Bucs became a dominant defense again in 2007, ranking second in the NFL. The Bucs should again reign as one of the top defensive teams. So that’s not a problem.

Offensively, however, the team could be a little bit challenged. THN Patron Saint Jon Gruden’s struggles to find a quarterback have been well documented. Gruden traded for Jake Plummer, wanted Brett Favre (either one of those two would have been great at ball control, don’t turn it over type of offenses) and has seemed to finally settle on Jeff Garcia. And really, Garcia was a good enough quarterback for this offense. (Hell, he’s won with Brad Johnson.)

Gruden needs to get away from his quarterback halfway house and start running the ball for the Buccaneers. Of course, you can’t blame Gruden for being a little shy to run the ball. Offensive line coach Bill Muir hasn’t exactly turned this unit into the 1992 Dallas Cowboys. The Buccaneers were just dreadful in scoring touchdowns in the red zone last season, ranking 26th in the league. But this team desperately needs to run the football.

The Bucs need to get production from Michael Bennett, Earnest Graham, Warrick Dunn and – hopefully – Cadillac Williams. This motley collection of backs should be able to form one decent running back, right?

If they can’t, then this team will rely on Garcia, 37, and Joey Galloway, 36. That’s not going to cut it.

If the offense can’t score, they are going to be as flat as Mrs. Garcia used to be.

(BTW, Gruden really pushed his luck as a THN Patron Saint by allowing Eli Messiah to start his march to the Super Bowl in Tampa Bay. Don't make that mistake again.)


(The odds of your team winning the Super Bowl, based on 1-to-5 Goodells. One being worst, five being best.)

Missed a team? You can click the Super Bowl Buzz Kill 2008 label to see the entire list.

1 comment:

R.J. said...

Maybe Carmella's stepping up her game and going for Penthouse Pet of the Year?

The Bucs are going to be a mess this year.