Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Super Bowl Buzz Kill: Steelers

Do you think your team is going to the Super Bowl? Ha. Your team sucks. Why put yourself through the aggravation every year? The Hater Nation is here to bring you back to reality with the award-winning series, The Super Bowl Buzz Kill.

Why your team won’t win the Super Bowl: Pittsburgh Steelers

The Football Gods cannot be happy with the Steelers who have transformed from a blood-and-guts team that rammed the ball down opponents throats to some limp-wristed spread offense.

The Steelers have gone from pounding the rock with guys like Franco Harris, Rocky Bleier, Jerome Bettis and Dick Hoak, to being a pass happy team like they played in the Mountain West or something.

Coach Mike Tomlin might as well walk into local bar of the resident steel workers and order an appletini, while cranking some Ah-Ha on the juke box.

That just isn’t Steelers football. No, Steelers football is running, not paying franchise players such as Alan Faneca, and cheating in Super Bowls. That is Steelers football. “First and second down are for running, not throwing,” appears in Pittsburgh’s city charter.

This comes on the heels of the Steelers introduction of mascot Steely McBeam last season. Are there no more sacred cows in the NFL?

Come Pittsburgh, we need tradition in the AFC North. Raven was once the Browns. The Browns family owns the Bengals. And the new Browns are about as inspired as Saved by the Bell The New Class.

Not that you can blame the Steelers for tying to move into the new century. Ben Roethlisberger is the team’s best player and the spread offense is geared for the quarterback. But even Ben himself admits that his receivers are too short. Like Tom Cruise-short. Limas Sweed brings some much-needed height, but rookie receivers rarely deliver.

Running back Willie Parker should be more effective with Rashard Mendenhall splitting some time, but the offensive line will certainly miss Faneca. Something to think about when your QB is going to be dropping back and throwing bombs.

The defense -- famed Steel Curtain -- another of the great Steelers traditions could have some trouble this year. Defensive tackle Casey Hampton is fat, and the key to the 3-4 defense. Troy Polamalu is still hurting. So there definately are questions.

But the biggest question looming against the talented Steelers is can they mock the Football Gods and still win the Super Bowl?


(The odds of your team winning the Super Bowl, based on 1-to-5 Goodells. One being worst, five being best.)

Missed a team? You can click the Super Bowl Buzz Kill 2008 label to see the entire list.


Kyle said...

Dedicated to the Steelworkers of America. Keep reaching for that rainbow!

Rashard Mendenhall is going to be a star, maybe this season. Team him up with Roethlisberger and that's a nice young backfield.

Diane said...

Steely McBeam? This is why you let kids submit their suggestions for the mascot's name to the local newspaper instead of letting the drunk president of the local pick it.

DAWUSS said...

And he looks like the love child between Purdue Pete and Lisa Simpson