Sunday, August 03, 2008

Super Bowl Buzz Kill Special NFC East Two-Fer: Eagles and Cowboys

Do you think your team is going to the Super Bowl? Ha. Your team sucks. Why put yourself through the aggravation every year? The Hater Nation is here to bring you back to reality with the award-winning series, The Super Bowl Buzz Kill.

By The Hatriot

The Eagles’ sideline this year figures to be a lot like your 20-year high school reunion. Sure, there are still a couple of lookers (Westbrook, Dawkins) but most everybody else has a gut hanging over the belt or an ass that looks like chewed bubble gum. The guy who was going to make his mark (McNabb) is more worried about how to make the payments on his first wife. You can tell each other you’ve still got it and after a couple of Stoli’s maybe you even believe it. But when that 80s cover band finishes slogging through “It’s The End of the World As We Know It” (or for the Eagles, the first round of the playoffs) you have to face the fact that you’re older, not better.

The defense will still punish teams and will still wear down after too many three and outs by McNabb and company. How bad is the receiver corps? The big off-season upgrade at receiver is a second-round draft pick. Hey, if it’s a reunion, we’ve got to have some “remember when?” trivia! Here goes- Remember when this team could pound the ball between the hash marks with consistency? Hint: There was something besides a smoldering hole at the south end of Manhattan. Remember when the Birds had a legitimate threat at wide-out and we still had a City of New Orleans? Remember when we all thought Andy Reid was a good dad and gas was $2 a gallon? The Birds have finished fourth in the NFC East two of the last three years and the division isn’t getting any easier. On the bright side, EagleFan won’t have to worry about losing his voice singing the post-TD fight song too many times.

THE GOODELL SCALE(The odds of your team winning the Super Bowl, based on 1-to-5 Goodells. One being worst, five being best.)

If the Eagles are the 20-year h.s. reunion, the Cowboys are your wife’s niece’s wedding- you know, the one where the drunken fight broke out and your buddy went Sonny Corleone on Aunt Jenny in the cloak room? How can I even begin to unpack the dysfunction that defines this weird, doomed team…

O.K. let’s just grab someone at random: Oh Look! It’s well known criminal and gentleman’s club patron Pac Man Jones, only now he wants you to call him Adam Jones. Anyone else reminded of when Old Dirty Bastard wanted folks to call him Big Baby Jesus? Good luck with that Pac Man. Prediction: Benched after he loses his wristband with the cover schemes on it inside a stripper. At least they have Roy “deer-in-headlights” Williams to pick up the slack in coverage.

On the other side of the ball, you’ve got Terrell Owens. Let’s see… a suicide attempt that would embarrass a teenage girl… a crying jag after the last playoff loss… We all knew steroids caused acne. Who knew they made you premenstrual? Prediction: Out shape at the start of the season from pounding Hagen-Daz and watching Lifetime all day.

And no Cowboy team would be complete without a closeted gay quarterback. The Romo/Simpson match up has all the heat and chemistry of that famous Aikman/Kerrigan pas de deux from back in the day. Prediction: Romo gets caught performing the Rusty Trombone on T.O. at half-time of the Thanksgiving game.

Throw in a head coach who plays Dubya to his offensive coordinator’s Dick Cheney, an owner whose sideline behavior looks like Skeletor performing the third act of King Lear, and… what the hell… second amendment enthusiast Tank Jones and you don't just have a one-and-done playoff exit. You’ve got more twisted freakery than a circus train derailment. On the bright side, they’ll be able to power the stadium lights all season just with the turbine speed generated by Tom Landry’s coffin.

THE GOODELL SCALE(The odds of your team winning the Super Bowl, based on 1-to-5 Goodells. One being worst, five being best.)


R.J. said...

It would be a real two-fer on Turkey Day. Romo can blow T.O. and the game all in the same day.

THN said...

Nice job, Hatriot.

THN said...

BTW, just learned recently that Romo's college team went to the playoffs three times and, you guessed it, lost every game.