Friday, August 15, 2008

Super Bowl Buzz Kill: Raven

Do you think your team is going to the Super Bowl? Ha. Your team sucks. Why put yourself through the aggravation every year? The Hater Nation is here to bring you back to reality with the award-winning series, The Super Bowl Buzz Kill.

Why your team won’t win the Super Bowl: Raven.

Some Cleveland fans have lamented that the former Browns do not receive the disdain and scorn that the St. Louis FC is doled out here. And they have a point. But for starters, Art Hodel just isn’t as funny as The Hatriot-coined Georgia Frontandrearie.

Cleveland was given the Browns back, while Los Angeles was given the Xtreme. So scoreboard Southern California.

Besides, Model ended up losing the team anyway. Probably one of the most fitting endings in sports. Sure, it would have been nice if Model would have lost the team before his son, David, could do lines of blow off the Lombardi trophy. Still, Model has to sit there and think about the sweetheart deal that the received in Baltimore still wasn’t enough for him to save the team. Frontandrearie never had to go through that. She laid in her deathbed thinking that people loved her, instead of knowing the truth that for the first time in history, people were actually cheering for breast cancer.

Nice move, Art. Congratulations on helping to build the league, but your lousy business practices forced you to sell and now you are on the outside looking in.

But maybe Model was done a favor by having to sell the team. Possibly no team has failed to live up to expectations more than Raven. Kind of like the Lindsay Lohan of the NFL. Looked good for a while, got into the drugs and now is on the brink of oblivion.

The Bears and Vikings are hoping that their outstanding defenses can overcome a lack of offense. Raven must hope that its faded and aging defense can over its utter lack of offense. Nobody remembers how close Raven was just a few years ago. People remember the Chargers choke job in 2006 after going 14-2 and failing to win a playoff game. Raven went 13-3 that season – even beating the Chargers at home – before failing to win a playoff game. Choking against Gomer in what would be the last gasp for Brian Billick.

Now Raven is one of the worst teams in the league. And it will only get worse. Kyle Boller is the best quarterback on the roster. If he fails – and he will – the team will turn to the midget Troy Smith or possibly rookie quarterback Joe Flacco which sounds like a total made up name. In addition, Willis McGahee is hurting, Ray Lewis is getting older and only a few years away from joining the Patriots.

A very bad team that seems to be getting the butt end of the deal that Model made with the Devil.


THE GOODELL SCALE

(The odds of your team winning the Super Bowl, based on 1-to-5 Goodells. One being worst, five being best.)












Missed a team? You can click the Super Bowl Buzz Kill 2008 label to see the entire list.

2 comments:

Minor-League Town said...

When are we going to get some 4- or 5-Goodell teams?

The Hatriot said...

I have to give credit where it's due. The first use of "Frontandrearie" I can confirm was in an e-mail to Yours Truly from Yiddish Squeal.