Do you think your team is going to the Super Bowl? Ha. Your team sucks. Why put yourself through the aggravation every year? The Hater Nation is here to bring you back to reality with the award-winning series, The Super Bowl Buzz Kill.
Why your team won’t win the Super Bowl: Green Bay Packers.
Special to The Hater Nation
When you’re in Wisconsin, you have to understand your priorities. This church’s efforts to get the flock in the fold on Sunday may be successful, but note that they don’t dare test the football gods by scheduling a noon service on Sunday.
Still, things are changing in America’s Dairyland. Last week I called my Uncle Ludwig from West Allis to see how things were going: “Hey, Uncle Ludwig, Wie geht’s?”
“Oh, yah, hey dere. Yah, me and your Aunt Agnes went up dere by Green Bay dere for da Bengals game a few weeks back. Tings are different up dere these days. We tried to go to da Brett Favre Steakhouse before, but now its some place that serves some macro baloney thingambobs. Like I sez to Agnes, just lotsa people eatin’ beans. Uff da. So den we go by da tailgates; maybe we get a brat or something. But no; everyone’s got dis crap on a stick. Tofu, or some such. And they’re not even wearing Packer stuff anymores. Half of these jokers are wearing New York Jets stuff. And now they got this quarterback from California? I know that Brett’s gone, but whatever happened to that nice Polish boy? What the hey is going on up dere these days?”*
Yes, some things are changing at the intersection of Lombardi and Oneida. For the first time in nearly two decades, there will be a new thumb up the center’s ass. Of course, considering the turnover in the Packers’ offensive line the last few weeks, there’ll be a new center as well, one whose ass hasn’t become uncomfortably familiar with #4’s digitus primus. Still some things remain the same; the Packers remain one of the few NFL franchises without cheerleaders. Though if you’ve see the guernseys that populate the Fox River Valley, you’d certainly forgive them for this oversight.
On the field, the Packers have most everyone back, the departing drama queen notwithstanding. But with aging corners, injuries on the defensive line, and an offensive line in flux, Aaron Rodgers would have to be Craig Morton, Joe Kapp and Steve Bartkowski all rolled up into one to get this team to Tampa in February.**
* If any of you need a translation, talk to Chief. He speaks the language.
** Historical references for Adam’s benefit.
THE GOODELL SCALE
(The odds of your team winning the Super Bowl, based on 1-to-5 Goodells. One being worst, five being best.)
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