Friday, August 01, 2008

Super Bowl Buzz Kill: Dolphins

Do you think your team is going to the Super Bowl? Ha. Your team sucks. Why put yourself through the aggravation every year? The Hater Nation is here to bring you back to reality with the award-winning series, The Super Bowl Buzz Kill.

Why your team won’t win the Super Bowl: Miami Dolphins.

The Dolphins brought in Bill Parcells to run the Dolphins, ensuring that the team will remain as uncompetitive and uninspiring as the 25-cent wing special at Dan Marino's at the Hooters Hotel Casino in Las Vegas. Unless Parcells is bringing Bill Belichick with him, then there is no reason to land the Tuna. Just look at the law of diminishing returns under Parcells in his recent jobs.

  • Parcells won two Super Bowl titles with the Giants (with Belichick as his defensive coordinator).

  • Parcells won an AFC championship with the Patriots, but lost in the Super Bowl.

  • Parcells took the Jets to the AFC Championship Game and didn't win it.

  • Parcells took the Cowboys to the playoffs and no further.

In other words, the Dolphins will be lucky to get to 8-8 under Parcells reign in Miami . The guy is all bluster.

When will teams learn?

The Rams tried to capture the past once by brining back Chuck Knox. USC tried it with John Robinson. The Redskins tried it with Joe Gibbs. This strategy doesn't work. Hell, the Dolphins tried this once before with Jimmy Johnson and it failed to work. Maybe the Chargers had the right idea when they brought in a coach who blew in two spots to be their coach.

Of course, the Dolphins aren't asking Parcells to coach. This might be a step in the right direction. The Tuna brought in Tony Sparano to lead the team. The guy got kind of a bad rap when it was learned he started dating his wife when she was 13 and he was 16, leading to many Chris Hanson jokes. And hey, if you are going to insist on that mustache, you have to expect it. But come on, lets be above that.

The thing is that Sparano tried to get the coaching job at Baylor -- one of the biggest jokes in the Big XII -- and was turned down. But he was perfect for the Dolphins. Seriously, this guy has gone from anonymous tight ends coach to the Dolphins gig.

That is either an indication of how bad the Dolphins are, or a testament to this guy. Judging from the lack of success of Parcells in recent years, bet the former.

All of this is going against them and we haven’t even jumped on the roster yet.

The team put all of its faith in Jake Long. Always a risky proposition, these offensive linemen. The Dolphins, of course, hope he is more Joe Thomas than Robert Gallery. Stay tuned. There is a quarterback controversy between John Beck and Chad Henne. Awesome. They might be good down the road, but they aren't pulling a Ben Roethlisberger with this team. The team's best receiver plays in San Diego. Ricky Freaking Williams is going to probably get some playing time. (Insert gratuitous "How high are the Dolphins jokes here.)

And the defense? Awful. Their best player danced his way to Washington D.C.

How bad of a job does Parcells have to do here to ensure that he’s never going to get another NFL gig again?


(The odds of your team winning the Super Bowl, based on 1-to-5 Goodells. One being worst, five being best.)

Missed a team? You can click the Super Bowl Buzz Kill 2008 label to see the entire list.


DAWUSS said...

You shoulda went with one of the famed Dolphins cheerleaders for this one. It IS Friday, after all.

Diane said...

Or Jason Taylor shirtless.

lumps said...

Even I hate the Big Tuna and the fucting Phish are turning into the Memphis Grizzlies of the NFL.

When does college football start? Go Ducks and Beavs!!