Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Super Bowl Buzz Kill: Bills

Do you think your team is going to the Super Bowl? Ha. Your team sucks. Why put yourself through the aggravation every year? The Hater Nation is here to bring you back to reality with the award-winning series, The Super Bowl Buzz Kill.

Why your team won’t win the Super Bowl: Buffalo Bills.

You can’t blame Canada for being a little bitter. We’ve stolen Pamela Anderson, Norm MacDonald and Eugene Levy, killed John Candy and made sure to point out that Chris Benoit was known as the Canadian Crippler.

Sure, Canada has won a couple of small victories, such as giving the United States the Expos – now Nationals – and Detroit. But Canada has really upped the ante by trying to steal one of our NFL teams.

The city of Toronto and Canada in general must have visions of the Quebec Nordiques dancing in their heads when they invited the Bills to play a couple of regular season games in the Great White North. But they realize it’s the Bills right? The NFL's version of the Washington Generals, or Los Angeles Kings, if you will.

Nice pick. You should have grabbed the Jets instead.

Bills safety Donte Whitner guaranteed a playoff appearance this season. He’s just as delusional as the rest of the Canucks. Whitner did go to Ohio State so he likely isn’t very smart. He also probably doesn’t know who the coach is, either.

Dick Jauron, the former Yale Bulldog, was a pretty solid NFL player. As an NFL coach, not so much.

Jauron has coached seven full seasons in the NFL and his teams have made the playoffs once. He was an interim coach for the Lions in 2005 and went 1-4.

Jauron is a defensive-minded coach, but his defense in Buffalo has been awful. Luckily though, the team is just as inept trying to stop the run as it is the pass. The Bills did acquire defensive tackle Marcus Stroud along with linebacker Kawika Mitchell. That should help the defense some, but come on, this isn’t 2002.

Running back Marshawn Lynch has proven to be nearly impossible to catch. And that’s just the Buffalo PD. This guy was involved in a hit and run, yet he is not going to be arrested nor will Mr. Chuckles himself, Roger Goodell suspend him. Maybe they just aren’t used to Bills running backs taking a hit and not going down.

The receivers are pretty good, too. But Trent Edwards is the quarterback. Although, he had so much success winning tons of games at Stanford, there is no reason to believe that he won’t get the job done in Buffalo.

In the end, however, the Bills are becoming Canada’s team. Which means only three things can happen. They move to an undeserving American city where they will eventually win a Super Bowl title. They win a couple of titles and then fire Cito Gaston. Or they will get busted for steroids after winning.

In any case, this can't end well.


(The odds of your team winning the Super Bowl, based on 1-to-5 Goodells. One being worst, five being best.)

Missed a team? You can click the Super Bowl Buzz Kill 2008 label to see the entire list.


Diane said...

I prefer Benoit's other nickname - The Rabid Wolverine.

R.J. said...

The Crippler works fine. Just ask Sabu and the rest of the ECW crew.

And we stole Shania Twain, too. :)

Pierre LePud said...


buckyor said...

Hmm. Wonder why the silence from the Bain?

THN said...

That's our bad.

Bain said...

Hmm. Wonder why the silence from the Bain?

Says the Terry Schiavo of the comment section?

buckyor said...

Sorry to rouse you from that percocet coma, Bain, but I figured you'd have something to say about a list of Canadian superstars that we've appropriated down here that doesn't include the biggest star of them all.

Or maybe the memories of your youth are a bit blurry?

Bain said...

DOOOOOOOOH! Oh shit... Bucky just teed me up and split the fairway. Chalk one for the shyster and bring me a red balloon.

THN said...

That goes on me, too.