Thursday, July 31, 2008

Super Bowl Buzz Kill: Texans

Do you think your team is going to the Super Bowl? Ha. Your team sucks. Why put yourself through the aggravation every year? The Hater Nation is here to bring you back to reality with the award-winning series, The Super Bowl Buzz Kill.

Why your team won’t win the Super Bowl: Houston Texans.

Thankfully, this will only offend the six Texans fans in existence. Seriously, does anybody root for this team? Do any of you actually know a Texans fan? This has to be one of the most despicable franchises in NFL history. Almost as dastardly as the murdering showgirl’s franchise playing in a glorified Wal-Mart in St. Louis.

Houston wasn’t content with only stealing Los Angeles’ moniker of the smoggiest city a few years back. So they stole the market’s infant franchise, too. The NFL had agreed to expand to the LA market that led to a tinkling contest between Michael Ovitz and Coliseum Commission. Neither side could come to a compromise on where to build a new stadium giving the league a convenient excuse to accept Bob McNair’s offer of $750 million to pay for a franchise.

McNair also built his own stadium (something LA would never do), getting a Super Bowl and franchise that was earmarked for Southern California. So how has that worked out for the Texans?

Six years, no playoffs. Last season’s 8-8 record signaled the high-water mark for the franchise.


Going six years without a playoff appearance is hard to do in the NFL. Only the Cardinals and Bills have longer playoff droughts. But to be honest, they have had a lot more practice in sucking.

How is it possible that the Texans have gone so long without figuring out how to protect the quarterback? The club nearly ended David Carr’s life.

The team has made a step in the right direction by hiring Alex Gibbbs, the guy who first installed the Broncos blocking scheme. Meaning, expect the Texans to become cheap-shot, cut-blockers. Wonderful.

The team did promote Kyle Shanahan to offensive coordinator. Seriously. That could only mean that the Texans are content with tanking the next four years, waiting for Arizona State freshman Jack Elway to join the club. Because a Shanahan can only seem to win with an Elway at quarterback. (Don't worry, that didn't count as the Broncos SBBK.)

And if you are one of those people who believes in Matt Schaub, here’s two words for you: Ahman Green. He’s expected to be the starting running back this season and Fred Taylor's groin feels that Green gets hurt too much. The Texans had better hope that Steve Slaton or Chris Taylor is the answer. Although Taylor has already been hurt in training camp.

The defense, however, will be pretty good. That Mario Williams thing has worked out for them – so far. But a one-dimensional team isn’t going to cut it in the AFC South, where they could end up being the fourth best team in the division.

Seven years without a Super Bowl. Maybe Los Angeles dodged a bullet there. If the region wanted to watch an owner waste a lot of money on a losing team, they could just watch the Dodgers.


(The odds of your team winning the Super Bowl, based on 1-to-5 Goodells. One being worst, five being best.)

Missed a team? You can click the Super Bowl Buzz Kill 2008 label to see the entire list.


Seitz said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Seitz said...

I've gotta think the Lions have been out of the playoffs for more than six years.

Yiddish Steel said...

It's highly unlikely this team will finish better than 8-8 this year, even if they did hire Alex Gibbbs. He's no Joe Gibbs.

DAWUSS said...

And in other news...

R.J. said...

I'll admit it. I've owned a Houston Texans hat since 2002 and it's in the same condition as Tony Boselli's jersey. Hardly used.