Friday, July 25, 2008

Super Bowl Buzz Kill: Lions

Do you think your team is going to the Super Bowl? Ha. Your team sucks. Why put yourself through the aggravation every year? The Hater Nation is here to bring you back to reality with the award-winning series, The Super Bowl Buzz Kill.

Why your team won’t win the Super Bowl: Detroit Lions.

The cheap way out here is to say two words: Matt Millen. Everybody has a big laugh and we move on to NFL teams instead of reviewing a glorified CFL team.

That’s not THN’s style, though. (Well, maybe a little.)

The Lions actually looked like a contender last season, racing out to a 6-2 record. Heck, Jon Kitna was starting to look like a genius for saying that this team could win 10 games.

But then the house came crumbling down like one of the many abandoned automobile plants that liter the city. Just as it always does. The Lions were actually Paper Lions. A huge loss to the Cardinals pulled back the curtain on the team as they won only one game the rest of the way to finish 7-9.

The club dismissed offensive coordinator Mike Martz because they hated scoring points. Seriously, the guy isn’t a great head coach, but his offenses do score points. Conversely, the removal of Martz might keep quarterback Kitna alive after being sacked a league-high 51 times in 2007.

Detroit will rely heavily on the running game this season under new coordinator Jim Colletto, meaning all of you fantasy geeks should draft rookie Kevin Smith. And even if the offense does score some points, there is the whole notion of the defense.

Coach Rod Marinelli (show of hands, how many of you actually knew who the Lions coach was?) has tried to push the Tampa 2 system that only works for good teams. And that’s the rub. Coaches that push their system on the wrong personnel are the worst. If you don’t have the players to play the Tampa 2, pattern your defense after you team’s strength.

Although the strength of the Lions defense is giving up points.

And the Lions have a funny way of trying to improve their defense. Now, most teams go out and try to get better players. The Lions, on the other hand, would rather give away their best players such as defensive tackle Shaun Rogers. The team did get Leigh Bodden in the deal. But that’s akin to fixing your car’s breaks by removing the tires.

Or trying to improve your team by constantly drafting quarterbacks. (Alright, one more Millen joke for the road.)


(The odds of your team winning the Super Bowl, based on 1-to-5 Goodells. One being worst, five being best.)


R.J. said...

You're right. Matt Millen is the easy way out. I've got a second reason why they won't win: LaMont Jordan.

That trade will probably go down this weekend.

THN said...

I hope not, R.J. I'm really hyper on Kevin Smith in the backfield.

Diane said...

Please, please, please let the Chargers get at least 3 Goodells.

DAWUSS said...

I wonder if the St. Louis Rams and the Chokeland Raitards are going to get 0 Goodells