Do you think your team is going to the Super Bowl? Ha. Your team sucks. Why put yourself through the aggravation every year? The Hater Nation is here to bring you back to reality with the award-winning series, The Super Bowl Buzz Kill. Our countdown to Kickoff Weekend begins today with a very special guest.
Greetings The Hater Nation, I am Mr. Goodell! But you may call me Mr. Goodell.
I am thrilled to be here to kick off the Super Bowl Buzz Kill because it gives me more time to talk about my favorite subject: me, Mr. Goodell. There has never been a commissioner in the history of organized sports who has longed for attention more than I have. But only because I fail to recognize the existence of Vince McMahon. Truth be told, he was a better football commissioner, too.
But enough about me (I've never actually written that before), let's move on to the first team of this year's Super Bowl Buzz Kill: The New York Jets.
There are many of you out there (and you know who you are) who believe that last year's Super Bowl was fixed in favor of the New York Giants. My answer to that is ... you had dog damn better believe it was. That idiot who runs the NBA fixed his playoff so a team from Boston would win the whole thing. Lame. The real money is in fixing games and seasons for the New York teams.
Just not the Jets.
I'm a magician, but even I couldn't make a Jets Super Bowl championship seem credible. I debated long and hard as to weather making Eli Messiah a Super Bowl champion would be too fishy. Thankfully, you people bought it. (Morons.) Man, you really are dopes. Eli is bad, but would anybody buy Chad Pennington or Kellen Clemens as a Super Bowl champion quarterback? Trent Dilfer would find that to be a stretch. Not that it would matter if the Jets had a good quarterback. Who would he throw to ... Laveranues Coles? Jericho Cotchery? Good lord, this team's bad.
And just look at the draft. There were five "can't miss" prospects invited to the 2008 NFL Draft. And the Jets didn't get one of them. Instead, they got Vernon Gholston. They spent a sixth pick on the second-coming of Huey Richardson. (Figured I would go for the tired Mike Mamula comparison? There is a reason why I'm Mr. Goodell and you are not.) I thought that maybe St. Louis or the Raiders would be stupid enough to take Gholston, but instead you guys got him. To make matters worse, you had another first round pick and you spent it on a tight end. Good luck with all of that. You fans need something to boo about during draft day.
That's why I can't ever let the Jets win a Super Bowl. You guys are too funny on draft day. I'm afraid that a Super Bowl win would mellow you guys out. I just can't risk it. So take it from me, Mr. Goodell, there is no way that the Jets are going to win the Super Bowl this year. I personally guarantee it, or my name isn't Mr. Goodell.
THE GOODELL SCALE
(The odds of your team winning the Super Bowl, based on 1-to-5 Goodells. One being worst, five being best.)