Monday, July 28, 2008

Super Bowl Buzz Kill: Falcons

Do you think your team is going to the Super Bowl? Ha. Your team sucks. Why put yourself through the aggravation every year? The Hater Nation is here to bring you back to reality with the award-winning series, The Super Bowl Buzz Kill.

Why your team won’t win the Super Bowl: Atlanta Falcons.

The Falcons are like that average-looking dude who dates a girl way out of his league. Kind of like the episode of Seinfeld where George and Jerry get invited to all of these parties held by supermodels.

Sure life is good. You rub elbows with beautiful people. Everybody wants to hang around with you. Life is good. But then it all comes crumbling down.

That is what life is like for the Falcons during the Michael Vick era. They got a quarterback they didn’t deserve to get. The team was winning playoff games in Lambeau Field. Vick was a cover boy for nearly everything from Madden to soup. Even coach Dan Reeves started to seem a little cool. The Falcons were the "It" franchise.

How hot was Atlanta?

Nobody seemed to remember the “Too Legit to Quite” Hammer era. And that’s saying something. This team went to the Super Bowl in 1998, but they were never as cool as they were during the early years of the Vick era. Not even close.

Everybody knows how this story ends. Vick goes to jail. The Georgia dome is the most vacant Atlanta landmark since Sherman marched to the see. Now they are one of the biggest jokes in the league.

The sad part is now the team is going through its rebound stage. Bobby Petrino was a horrible choice. Kind of like taking home the town skank just because you knew that a.) you could and b.) she would be gone before the night was over.

Now the attention has turned to new quarterback Matt Ryan. The Falcons are trying so hard to establish Ryan as a legitimate quarterback. Good luck with that. If Ryan was so good, why did he play his ball in that college hotbed of Boston College. (You got lucky with Doug Flutie once, you are arrogant to believe that this is going to happen again.)

The problem is, Ryan cannot be successful. This isn’t a knock on Ryan. Nobody could be successful the way the Falcons are trying to push him. They are trying to convince the world that Mindy Cohen is just as hot as the supermodel they used to date. And nobody is buying it.

The Falcons would have been better off just giving the job to Joey Harrington this year and let Ryan sit on the bench for at least a year. But the organization is trying to erase Vick and Petrino’s damage in one season and that just isn’t going to work. Things might even get worse before they get better.

Especially with new coach Mike Smith. This job needs a veteran coach who knows what he is doing, and they did the exact opposite. The situation is becoming so bad, you wonder how Arthur Blank made so much money with Home Depot.


THE GOODELL SCALE

(The odds of your team winning the Super Bowl, based on 1-to-5 Goodells. One being worst, five being best.)








Missed a team? You can click the Super Bowl Buzz Kill 2008 label to see the entire list.

5 comments:

JD said...

As a die-hard Falcon fan, you're giving us WAAAAAY too much credit with 1 Goodell. I think -43289430823904 Goodells are about as good a shot as we have of winning the Super Bowl. Although it's possible we COULD win the NFC South, if only because we came in last last year and every year since its inception the team that came in last the year before has won the division.

Anonymous said...

Speaking of Goodell, did you know he's married to Jane Top Cock Skinner. Well, there you go.

Diane said...

Has Al Davis opened up contract negotiations with Vick yet?

(I had to re-do this lame comment about 5 times to remove all the snarky I-hope-vick-is-being-date-raped-in-the-fed-pen snipes)

Bob Dernier said...

I read the whole post and there isn't one comment about newly formed running attack Michael Turner and Jerious Norwood?

Deadspin has nothing on this site. They wish they were cool enough.

Will Doosh...who?

R.J. said...

Has Al Davis opened up contract negotiations with Vick yet?

I think the Bears still need a quarterback. I'm just saying.