Thursday, July 24, 2008

Super Bowl Buzz Kill: Bengals

Do you think your team is going to the Super Bowl? Ha. Your team sucks. Why put yourself through the aggravation every year? The Hater Nation is here to bring you back to reality with the award-winning series, The Super Bowl Buzz Kill.

Why your team won’t win the Super Bowl: Cincinnati Bengals.


The Bengals have recently corned the market on a-hole criminals who double as football players. And Chad Johnson. The one constant, the one rock of the organization in recent years has been Carson Palmer.

Now Palmer has decided that he wants to get into the mix as a guy to grab headlines for things other than winning football games.

THN recently published an expert of Palmer’s blast against Ohio State fans. Here it is.

"I cannot stand the Buckeyes. It's amazing to hear what those guys think about that university and what they think about that football program and Tressel and all the crap I gotta put up with being back there. I just can't wait for two years from now when SC comes to the 'Shoe and hopefully we'll have a home game that weekend and I can go up there and watch us pound on them in their own turf. I'm really getting sick of it and I just can't wait for this game to get here so they can come out to the Coliseum and experience LA and get an old-fashioned Pac-10 butt-whoopin' and go back to the Big Ten."

Again, he’s spot on there. But then here comes the dreaded retraction.

"I'm a Trojan all the way, and I was talking to a Trojan audience in California. I guess I got a little fired up, as all good fans will do. But I really do respect the Buckeyes, and I know their fans are passionate, too. I hope they all understand I'm just looking forward to a big game for my school against a very tough opponent, and that it's all in the good fun of a rivalry. You don't have a real rivalry unless both sides are great teams."

This wasn’t as namby-pamby and limp-wristed as many retractions in the past, but still. Carson should have told Ohio State fans to suck it. Are there some Ohio State fans who root for the Bengals? Sure. But there also are a large number of Bengals fans who didn’t go to Ohio State. What about the people that live in Kentucky? Is Cincinnati as much a Kentucky suburb as it is Ohio? Favorite son Cris Collinsworth doesn’t even live in Ohio.

Don't apologize to those dopes, it’s not like fans show up to Bengals game anyway. What does this all mean to the team’s season? Not much. Other than Ohio fans would rather take pride in Ohio State – which has gotten destroyed in bowl games recently – than the putrid Bengals. Hell, the Bengals fans long for the day when they almost beat Joe Montana in the Super Bowl.

Expect that trend to continue.

The Bengals were one of the worst teams on defense last year, meaning new defensive coordinator Mike Zimmer will have some work to do. The team did makes some changes with first-round pick Keith Rivers and DE Antwan Odom could be an upgrade over departed Justin Smith. The running game also will be a huge question mark, too. Rudi Johnson seems to be healthy, for now, and if he can't stay on the field some of the all-time greats such as Kenny Watson and Chris Perry will be asked to carry the ground game. And heck, even if all of the cards aligned for the Bengals, Marvin Lewis is still the coach. This is just asking too much.

Maybe this is why Palmer is still living vicariously through the Trojans. Wouldn't you?

THE GOODELL SCALE

(The odds of your team winning the Super Bowl, based on 1-to-5 Goodells. One being worst, five being best.)


7 comments:

Minor-League Town said...

Scale of 1-to-5 Goodells ... that's tremendous.

Anonymous said...

Two Goodells seems generous.

Diane said...

Damn - Was it only two years ago that my pre-season pick to win the Super Bowl was the Bengals? I swear it didn't seem as stupid at the time as it does in retrospect.

DJTennessee said...

This is a most delightful ongoing segment.

R.J. said...

This team won't hit .500, and Marvin will be out the door by December 1st. Cleveland and Pittsburgh own this team.

rstiles said...

This is some good stuff!!!!....I like the idea of the Goodell Scale!!!!

SUPER JOB!!!!

THN said...

Thank you for the feeback, guys. I believe NFL.com, ESPN.com and the rest should adopt the Goodell Scale.

Thank you again.