Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Doing What's Right For Me, Err Brett

Mr. Goodell may feel like he needs no introduction, but he should address THN's audience before he starts rambling on. So without further ado, here is Mr. Goodell:

I remember the first time I ever met Brett Favre. I was the son of a senator, looking for a way to make my mark in the National Football League. I had ran into Brett during a mixer and stumbled upon him trading some pills with Rush Limbaugh. My daddy was a good friend of Limbaugh so I had him arrange an introduction.

The chemistry between Brett and I was palpable. I was the captain of my football, basketball and baseball team at Bronxville High. We only had six boys in my graduating class, but you could see a gleam in Brett’s eyes when I regaled him with some of my spots exploits. Like the time I scored two touchdowns in one game. Or the time I took a charge in a key basketball game. Maybe it was the vicodin, but he hung on his every word. I even helped sort through his vomit to retrieve the undigested pills so he could swallow them again.

That is the relationship that Brett and I forged.

I remember where I was when Brett went on to win Super Bowl XXXI. I was sitting there imaging how that could have been me had daddy paid off that college football coach like I had asked. Instead I rose through the NFL in a different way. I used daddy’s connections to help rise through the NFL going from intern to PR flack to an underserved nomination for commissioner. Brett also won some games and set some records during that time, so that era will be forever known as the Goodell-Favre era as we ruled the NFL like a father and son. Much like the dream Darth Vader had for Luke Skywalker.

But that’s Brett, and why we love him. That also is why I have to butt in on his affairs. The NFL is littered with plenty of holdouts and other contract squabbles. But do you see me helping Chad Johnson get a new deal? Anquan Boldin wants a new contract in Arizona, but do you see me interceding there? Hell no. None of those players would get my name to the top of the headline stacks of ESPN and FOX News.

Brett is the kind of guy that can help me reach my goals. My goal is to one day be the president of the United States. If I can reach an agreement between the Packers and Favre, than that thing Bill Clinton did when he was president. As if anybody remembers what he did. So expect to see my name more as the Favre saga continues on. What I would like to do, is to get Favre traded to the Giants. You say the Giants don't need a quarterback, you are wrong. Favre going to the Giants would finally allow me to build them into the dynasty I forsee them being. It's genius if you ask me.

1 comment:

THN said...

Mr. Goodell, how would you punish Jason Giambi for flipping off the Orioles? Would it be huge?