Wednesday, June 04, 2008

Most Contemptible Celtics, Part II

Let's cut the chitchat and get right down to business. Boston Celtics are douche bags, here are the five biggest.

5. Red Auerbach. Kind of a coin toss here. Are you happy that Auerbach went to the grave knowing that his beloved Celtics had become the laughingstock of the NBA? Or do you wish he could have survived long enough for him to see Phil Jackson win his tenth title NBA title? One more than Auerbach won. Well, won is kind of a strong term. Bill Russell took over for Red after his retirement and won two consecutive titles showing that Auerbach's influence was negligible. There is almost a hope that the Lakers will wrap this series up in six games so Jackson can light a cigar in the Boston Garden locker room.

4. M.R. Carr. Quick think of one great play that M.R. Carr made during his career. Can't do it, can you? But you certainly remember him waving that towel and acting like an a-hole during during those playoff serious. They say that the Celtics didn't get cheerleaders until recently, but what they mean is female cheerleaders. Carr was said to be disgusted that he had to actually wear a basketball uniform because he wanted to dress up in a Celtics costume because he was more of a mascot than player. Carr would rate higher on this list, but he did contribute mightily to the Celtics' decline with his inability to coach. That drops him a few spots.

3. Kevin McHale. Maybe he should rate higher on the list because he's the kind of guy that continued to be hateable from playing career through his executive career. McHale was one of those a-hole players that liked to clutch and grab, pulling out all of the dirty tricks of your typical WWF heel. In fact, McHale was once rumored to have punched James Worthy in the face with a pair of brass knuckles that he kept hidden in his shorts. McHale also had those long arms and slumped shoulders that made him look like a trained baboon, leading many to believe that he is the missing link. GM McHale refused an offer of Lamar Odom and Andrew Bynum for Kevin Garnett this offseason, settling for a box of Red's old cigars and a towel from Carr. Not that it matters. Pao Gasol is a much better fit for the Lakers and he likes to play in the fourth quarter so it's a double bonus.

2. Danny Ainge. If there was one movie character that was clearly patterned after Ainge, it would have to be Grover Dill from A Christmas Story. You remember, the little runt that hung out with Scott Farkas. Ainge was the proverbial little guy that hung out with the bully, but was kind of a (kitty cat) on his own. Yeah, Ainge was a tough guy when McHale, Robert Parrish and the rest of the goons were there to protect him. But the guy turtled when push came to shove. Ainge once tried to scuffle with Tree Rollins by calling him a sissy, knowing that he would be backed up. He once tried to fight with Michael Jordan proving to be one of the biggest female dogs in NBA history.

1. Len Bias. Sure, he might not have actually played with the Celtics. But his death gave Celtics the built in excuse as to why the team missed the NBA Finals for the last 20 years. Yes Boston fans, the Celtics would have been so great because no first overall pick has ever been a bust. Please, only Boston fans could take a tragedy and use it like an excuse for failure. Who do they think they are, the President?

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

FUCK THE CELLBITCHES!
OZ STYLE.

GO LAKE SHOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

I'm with you on Ainge and I saw Bias play in college and thought he was kind of soft.

If you want to complain about Auerbach, you might want to mention the visiting locker room at the old Boston Garden. Of course, the NBA should have set that straight.

I'm just not with you on McHale. He had great footwork and he didn't do anything Bird didn't do. Or Robert Horry still does.

NFL Adam said...

The old Boston Garden locker rooms would have been No. 11. They got a late push.

McHale did the dirty stuff, but he just wasn't as good. Yeah the "torture chamber." At least James Worthy made a career by owning that guy.

Seitz said...

Light a cigar in the locker room? Screw that. Phil should light that sucker up at center court and ash on the mascot.

NFL Adam said...

I stand corrected.

Reader Matt P said...

A couple of comments:

First on the Celtics... Too soon on Bias... Ainge was pretty bad. Auerbach is the worst. Phil should take a parquet crap after game 2.

On Joba... why was there a presser after the game for a guy who pitched 2 1/3 innings. If he had thrown 5 no hit innings, I could almost understand. Thank the good lord he didn't as ESPN would have sent all the reporters covering the NBA finals to New York to see his shitting patterns or if he uses Crest Tartar Control or the old Aqua Fresh pumps that were popular in the mid-80's.

NFL Adam said...

How about Hank Gathers jokes?

Bain said...

Yeah, Adam. It's a little early on Bias, you sick fucker.

Anonymous said...

Did you write this while drunk? It's M.L. Carr, and Pau Gasol (apparently in Spain, it's OK to forget the L.). Team Eurotrash+Kobe is DONE. Celtics in 6. If that.

BostonOWNSyou said...

You're an idiot. its M.L. Car! Red Auerbach probly had sex with your mom so youre pissed that daddy never loved you. Only thing Phil "Zen Master" errrrrr Star Rider Jackson is gona be smoking after this series is Kobe's mamba. You suck Lakers suck Boston in 6. Oh not funny with Len Bias I hope you die.........