With the Stanley Cup playoffs well under way, THN invites Canadian media baron, impresario, and Divealanche.com founder Pierre Lepud, to discuss a subject close to his heart, the Western Conference Semifinal between the Detroit Red Wings and the Colorado Avalanche.
Greetings, The Hater Nation! I join you today from the province of Quebec (pronounced "keh-BECK") to talk aboot hockey, something my friend NFL Adam assures me you know little aboot.
Have you been watching the Wings/Avalanche series? Of course not you haven't! Ten people, perhaps eleven, have watched this or any other NHL playoff series this year. But so (expletive) what? As long as one of those people is Elisha Cuthbert, we're gonna talk hockey, and if the rest of you hosers don't like it you can bathe my effing puppet.
Fact is, you really should be watching this year's Wings/Avs series. For one thing, as even the most custodial of THN readers knows, Wings/Avs is still the professional sports event most likely to provide footage for upcoming Faces Of Death installments. Forget UFC, where meth-addled clods in unitards demonstrate courtship dances from Riker's Island. The Wings and the Avalanche do not want to sit on each other's faces, they want to kill each other, and it can happen right before your eyes. Indeed, when the camera pans across the ice at Joe Louis Arena, you're never quite sure if that slimy, tentacled mass at center ice is an octopus or Peter Forsberg's hysterectomy.
Secondly, this is the best Wings/Avs series yet.
The other day I was having lunch at L'Queefe (pronounced "luh-kee-FAY") in Montreal (pronounced "mon-RE-all") with my fellow Canadian impresarios Guy Pantaloons, Gordon Pispotte, and Patrice LeFontaine-Dejardins. The subject of hockey came up, of all things, as Patrice put forth the question of what makes a great Wings/Avalanche series. Fifteen minutes of scribbling on cocktail napkins produced the following list of criteria, which I present to you hosers thusly.
When an octopus was thrown onto the ice at the beginning of Game 2, Avs new guy Cody "No penalty is too dumb" McLeod snatched it up and angrily hurled it at the stands. The Divealanche lost that game, 5-1, prompting Captain Joe "Milk, toast, and rock 'n' roll" Sakic to declare a new rule to his locker room: "Hey! Don't touch the octopus, hosers!"
Peter Forsberg, known lovingly as "Floppa" to his fans, is back, and he's diving all over the place. In fact, the only remaining skill Floppa apparently brought back to the playoffs with him is his ability to defy gravity in search of a cheap power play. During a breakway in game 3, Floppa executed a flawless Triple Lindy after being breathed upon by Johan Franzen. The refs didn't bite, no matter how much Forsberg followed them around the ice whining, the only other of Floppa's talents he appears to still possess.
A Swedish word meaning "ostrich meat weiner," Aftonbladet is Sweden's top newspaper and the arch-enemy of LePud Media Enterprises.. They have nothing to do with this series, really. I just like to bitch them whenever I get a soapbox.
When a team is down 3-0 in a best-of-seven series it means they're getting schooled, right? If you answered "yes" (or are over 5' 2" tall for that matter) don't look for a job in the Denver sports media. As any Denver sports media whore worth his lifts knows, the real reason the Dives are down is because of the ongoing, league-wide NHL conspiracy to deny Colorado's superiority by failing to call a five-minute major resulting in a penalty shot and a game misconduct suspension every time an Avalanche player falls down.
Adrian Dater in the Denver Post -- "Peter Forsberg had his feet taken out from under him, and looked up for the penalty he felt was sure to come his way. It would give the Avalanche a two- man advantage and a great chance at evening up Game 3 against the Red Wings. The call never came."
You thought I was making it up, didn't you..
As Divealanche homer Peter McNabb hollers on Altitude Sports broadcasts, "Oooooooh! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!"
Well, that's about all the hockey I have time to talk aboot. Wasn't so hard, was it hosers? Before I go, one more observation for you football pansies to ponder.
Tony Romo is the leader of Dallas' NFL team.
Mike Modano is the leader of Dallas' NHL team
Tonight, somewhere in Dallas, Tony Romo will go home and be greeted by Jessica Simpson.
Tonight, somewhere in Dallas, Mike Modano will go home and be greeted by this...
Now that right there, hosers, is what it's all aboot!