Friday, May 30, 2008

The Weak Ender

The Seattle Mariners tossed a pair of lesbians out of the stadium for what they called an innocent peck on the lips. Which makes you wonder when Tony Dungy became the head of security at SafeCo. Field.

The couple claims that they were unfairly judged because of their sexual orientation according to one of the victims, Sirbrina Guerrero.

Now Sirbrina, describe this very slowly with plenty of details.

"And he (the security guard) goes 'there's a lady whose son says he saw you guys making out, and I did, too. And you have to stop.' And I said 'well, we weren't making out, but we were kissing and I'm not going to stop,'" said Guerrero.

"(The security guard said) the mom doesn't want to explain to the kids why two girls are kissing. So I said 'well, I'm not going to stop, so you'll have to kick me out. So he said 'so I suggest you leave then,"' she said.

For starters, if that young boy was complaining about two women kissing, then the mother should get ready for lots of viewing of the Wizard of Oz and show tunes in her future. But maybe the kid has as point. As Ufford pointed out on With Lethur, these girls ain't exactly Elizabeth Berkley and Gina Gershon. (Not that the, uh, butchy ones don't deserve to be persecuted.) But still ...

Funny, Safeco officials pointed out that the stadium does have a code of conduct for personal displays of affection. But don’t most stadiums have a kissing cam that encourages couples to kiss? And don’t the comedians working the camera often pan to the two dudes in a the radio booth encouraging them to kiss? So homosexuality is funny until a couple of broads start making out in the stands.

But before we get too outraged by this, you should know that Guerrero was a contestant on Shot at Love 2. Competing for the affections of Blonde's favorite, Tila Tequila. And really, it’s hard to take a reality show media whore’s word for it. Safeco probably should have ousted all parties involved. Baseball has no use for lesbians, annoying mothers or closeted youngsters. Leave baseball for the rest of us fatties husky dudes drinking beers and shoving hotdogs down our throats.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Who Gave 7.5 Points?

Pity all of the gamblers that took the 7.5 points on their beloved Spurs on Thursday night. Sasha Vujacic should be considered a hero to many a sports gamblers for playing the game out until the very end. There will be those who think it was kind of bush league for Sasha to take that final shot. There will even be those who will suggest that he might have had money riding on the game. And you know what?

Hopefully he did.

More professional athletes should be forced to wager on themselves. PGA players have to do it each week. Well, almost. But their prize money is tied directly to how well they play. Imagine that the next time a golfer has to penalize himself -- he/she is taking money out of their own pocket. Think of how spirited the NBA finals would be if the players had a couple of million riding on the outcome. And hell, Sasha is a Euro where they have casinos inside of futbol stadiums, so this might very well be a custom to him.

A couple of closing notes on the Lakers/Spurs series. Having Jerry West represent was wonderful. Great to have him back in the fold. This is the way life should be.

Reader Matt P. pointed out that nobody on the Lakers team even touched the Western Conference trophy. We don't play for second place trophies in Los Angeles. Danica Garnett will probably kiss the thing when the Cellbitch closes out the Pistons on Friday night.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Get Ready for Another Circus

There is heavy speculation that Michael Strahan could announce to his teammates his intentions for the upcoming season when the team gathers at Tiffany's on Thursday night to receive their Super Bowl rings.

The belief is that Strahan will announce that he will retire. And that will just be the beginning of the circus that will surround this "great" defensive ends retirement. There also will not be any debate about his candidacy in the Pro Football Hall of Fame.

Strahan is getting in.

Partly because he was a pretty decent player, and partly because he played in New York. But mostly because he had some kill fart jokes. Strahan was one of those players who perfectly blended a career of decent skills, major media market and the ability to offer some quips. Strahan also was smart enough to play the media game, pretending that he actually liked them. See Albert Belle, if you had just played a few more blue jokes and finished your career with the Yankees, you too could be going to the Hall of Fame.

Maybe it is fitting that Strahan is going to end up in Canton the same year as Brett Favre. Maybe they can commission a special bust of Favre laying on the turf for him.

Eagles Cheerleaders Visiting Iraq

The Eagles cheerleaders will be traveling to Iraq to lift the spirits of the troops. The young ladies will be traveling to a number of bases (all kept a secret) where they will be dancing, giving out memorabilia -- including a puke bucket signed by Donovan McNabb, and conducting trivia contests.

One of the cheerleaders was asked if she was going to be nervous about going to Iraq.

"Everybody asks if we're nervous" about going to a war zone, she said. On the contrary, "I'm thrilled to have this opportunity," Kjersti Soberg said.

"They reassured us that the bases we're traveling to are completely safe."

Hell, it can't be any more different than living in Philadelphia or dodging Donovan McNabb's errant passes on the sidelines.

On an added note, does anybody think the Cheerleaders will wear this to not offend the Muslim people?

HT: Shutdown Corner.

The NFL Season Starts in 100 Days

That means that there are only 100 more days for the Raiders fans to believe that this is the season they will turn it around, before the reality of another 4-12 season hits.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Remember Pat Tillman

There is a home-made sign above the 22 freeway in Garden Grove that says "Remember Pat Tillman." The sign kind of appeared out of nowhere, and I have to admit that it made me feel a little ashamed that I hadn't put something up about Pat prior to taking off for Memorial Day Weekend.

There still hasn't been enough done to preserve the memory of Tillman. The league's official website wasn't too interested in publishing stories on Tillman this weekend. Obviously it's a shame that Pat died defending our country on foreign soil instead of surprising some burglars with sword. Sometimes politics plays into these decisions, and that's just not right.

The problem is that Pat wouldn't have wanted all of the attention to himself. He likely never felt that he was above any of the other soldiers who have made the ultimate sacrifice for the country. Why should his life be celebrated more because he was an NFL football player? Does that make his life more valuable?

No, it doesn't. But whether he would have liked it or not, Pat is the face of the war. When we take the time to remember Pat, we are remembering all of those who have served. If we need reminders to think of Pat, what chance do the rest of them have, right?

Hopefully something should be done. The College Football Hall of Fame is putting Tillman on its ballot this season. And you could argue that his on-field college exploits might not have been enough to get him in, but he certainly deserves the induction. College football also could make a pretty incredible gesture by retiring his No. 42. All of these kids playing college football could use a reminder of what it is all about.

At least something more than a sign on a Southern California freeway.

Friday, May 23, 2008

The Weak Ender

Chicks dig hockey. That has been well established. But The World of Isaac has put together a collection of hot chicks posing with the Stanley Cup. And here is another one of my personal favorites. Do you ever see chicks giving that much love to the Lombardi Trophy? Or the thing that NBA gives out? Score this as another victory for hockey.

The Stanley Cup finals are pretty interesting. You have the premier team in the NHL (shut up Montreal) taking on one of the top rising stars, Sidney Crosby. (Although it seems like Crosby has been in the league forever even though he was the first overall selection in 2005. Maybe I’m getting him confused with San Jose’s Joe Thornton. Say how did that trade work out Boston?)

The Stanley Cup playoffs have been pretty enjoyable so far. And it’s not fair to compare the NHL playoffs to the NBA playoffs because, well, they are two separate sports that you can enjoy on its own merits.

For instance, if you like a lot of clutch-and-grabbing, dump-and-chase, heart-pounding checking and nearly no scoring, well then, you can watch the Piston and the Celtics. But if you like skillful players who are at the top of their profession, you will watch the Stanley Cup finals.

Does anybody know what the deal is with the bald spot on Manu Ginobili’s head? He’s a professional athlete. He should totally have that taken care of. Either take the razor to the head, or – seeing that he has the resources – he should at least visit the Bosley Clinic.

There are many annoying things about the Spurs. Tim Duncan’s belief that he has never committed a foul, EVER, being near the top of the list. Or even CSF great Bruce Bowen taking a few liberties with the players he is guarding. But nothing is as unsettling as seeing Ginobili’s bald spot out there on the court.

Does he know about it? Or do his Spurs teammates just kind of keep it from him? The guy should be studying film and that should have at least shamed him into doing something. He has the money to get it fixed (unlike some of us). Maybe Tony Parker has Eva Longoria tell him that she loves a good skin yarmulke.

But come on, he really needs to shave like the The Deal or No Deal Guy, Stone Cold Steve Austin and Andre Aggasi.

Congratulations to those of you who have not started your Memorial Day weekend already. Too bad the same cannot be said about the San Antonio Spurs who felt they were going to mail in the final 18 minutes of Game 1 of the NBA Western Conference Finals, holding a 20-point lead.

We are really stretching for material so hopefully this Memorial Day Weekend brings out the best in pool parties hosted by Vince Young, Matt Leinart or Jeff Reed. Come on guys, we are dying out here.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

This Is Just Mean

The Hater Nation has poked fun at Lebron Patrick in the past because, well, it's just really really fun. But we would never go out of our way to jinx her and openly root for her to lose by putting her on the cover of Sports Illustrated.

That's a real jerk move.

But at some point, do you think she would ever ask herself, "Maybe I shouldn't do these kind of things until I actually win an Indy race or something?"

And maybe she will do that this weekend, but still. This whole thing smacks of the WWF pushs of Rocky Miavia that made the public turn against him.

And maybe that's the anwer we are seeking.

Maybe Patrick needs to do a heel turn here at Indy and grasp a new image. Running over a dude in the pits was a pretty good start. But maybe she needs to go the Tony Stewart route. That would be a whole lot more refreshing than the "Will she do it" routine we are fed every year, like it's a very special episode of Saved by the Bell.

Assist: Cali Tejano.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Ryan's Contract Irks Vets

Tennessee Titans center Kevin Mawae believes that rookies are paid way too much money. So does Broncos safety John Lynch.

Things like the record contract signed by Falcons quarterback Matt Ryan have set off the veterans who believe that record contracts should only be given to guys who have actually played a down of NFL football.

"As a guy who has been in the league for 14 now going on 15 years and being around other veteran guys, for a young guy to get paid that kind of money and never steps foot on an NFL football field, it's a little disheartening to think of," Mawae said. "It makes it tough for a guy who's proven himself to say 'I want that kind of money' when the owners, all they're going to say is, 'Well, you weren't a first-round pick.'"

This means that the player's association will likely accept some sort of a rookie salary cap, if it means more compensation for themselves. While this will be bad for some rookies, won't anybody think of the real victims here:

Player agents.

Just think, if the agents aren't able to negotiate these huge rookie deals, how are they going to continue to whipe their bungs with $100 bills? In fact, some rookies might not even need agents if these prices are slotted. Seriously, this just can't happen. Think of all of the great things that player agents have done for the NFL. This must be stopped.

Won't somebody please think of the agents?

Lil' Deiter's Hater Guide: Champion's League

There is some huge soccer match going on today, so THN has turned back to it’s famed soccer correspondent Lil’ Deiter to give us a take as to why you should hate the two teams playing in the Champion’s League finals.

Greetings The Hater Nation fans, I am so happy to be with you again. I get so depressed when they play the Saving Private Ryan on television because each time I keep hoping that the right team will win this time. I kid. I love you Americans.

Much like how you Americans felt when the Giants and Patriots played in the Super Bowl, the Champion’s League will give you the same disappointment. So here is a quick look at the teams.

ManUnited = NY Yankees = Both long-time standard bearer for having jackass front-running fans. Both hail from ugly cities. Both have stupid American owners. Both pay top dollar for other team’s best players because they can’t develop their own. Both teams’ best player is (most likely) gay. Both teams have had high-profile players busted for performance enhancing drugs.

Chelsea = Red Sox = Both setting standard for new era of jackass front-running fans, who just jumped on the bandwagon recently but pretend they’ve been fans forever. After years of mediocrity, both teams gave up trying to develop good organizations and just started buying their way to titles in last 3-4 years, pissing off ManU/NY, who thought they were the only ones that could do that. Both have female fans that aren’t easy on the eyes.

They finished 1-2 in England ’s Premier League, and now are playing for top spot in Europe ’s top club competition. Sorta like two teams from AL East playing again in playoffs, but without Joe Buck ruining things, so advantage soccer there.

Hopefully my cousin, Lil’ Hater will actually follow through with his blimp threat during this game.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Could the Rams Be Back?

Could the Rams be reborn in Los Angeles again? Yahoo! Sports is reporting that the St. Louis FC is for sale following the death of Georgia Frontandrearie.

But current owner Chip Rosenbloom is doing his best to quash those rumors by releasing this terse statement.

"It has only been four months since my mom passed away. Her passing immediately
caused speculation that we were selling the team. When a team is passed from one
generation to another it becomes to some a calling card that the team must be
for sale. So to reply to this article: Nothing has changed since my mom’s
passing. We’ve been approached by several people. We plan on using the season to
show that the performance on the field will be exciting and to honor my mom. And
while we deal with her estate I can assure you we have every intention of
keeping the Rams in St. Louis and will have no further comment on this article."

To honor his mom? Are they going to follow through with The Hatriot’s plan to honor Frontandrearie?

To honor the late (St. Louis FC) owner, all players in the NFC and AFC
championship games will wear a helmet sticker featuring a patch of blue water
with white bubbles rising to the surface in the shape of a dollar sign.

So who do you believe here? Michael Silver's numerous NFL sources, or the kid who stood on the dock watching while his mother sent hitmen into the water to drown his father?

Loo, no owner is going to come out and say that they are looking to sell the team, or that they plan to relocate. To do so, would cause the citizens of St. Louis to riot at area Walmarts and make their city look like Mogadishu.

Oh wait, too late for that.

This family – in particularly Georgia – has shown that they will do anything for money. Strip, run a franchise into the ground to take it to the highest bidder, and murder. So forgive me if this statement seems a little disingenuous.

One of the prospective owners for the new team, according to Silver's report, is Eddie DeBartolo. Interesting because it would mark the return of the DeBartolo daughters to the NFL. But the former 49ers owner taking control of the Rams? Pass. Having no football would be better than this. Especially when he has shown that he has no clue about the Los Angeles market.

“First of all, who's proven in L.A. that a damn team even works?" DeBartolo asked. "It didn't work for Al Davis, and he won a Super Bowl there. I think L.A. has yet to prove it wants to support a pro football team.”

Actually (expletive), the Raiders did do pretty good in Los Angeles. Hell, the Raiders still do good in Los Angeles and that franchise blows. The Coliseum commission is the reason why the Raiders are not in Los Angeles. Not the people of the city. And that's painful to say given the whole, you know ... but it is true.

What also is true is that we have probably haven't heard the last of this whole thing.

Related links: The Roast of Georgia Frontandrearie.

Nobody Will Escape Mr. Goodell's Wrath

Roger Goodell is running out of players to suspend so he will now look to fine teams who have unruly fans. Goodell wants to make the experience for all fans, but short of expelling the Raiders from the NFL, there doesn’t seem to be too much that he could do.

Seriously, if the Raiders are going to get fined for the misconduct of their fans, where are they going to get the money to overpay for marginal free agents? Although, making the Raiders organization pay for the crimes of its fans could be a way to tackle jail overcrowding and balance California's budget.

Just kidding Raiders fans, it wasn’t even you who caused all of this. Goodell went undercover to a Patriots game last season with his 13-year-old niece and was appalled by the behavior of the New England fans.

Really? Goodell went to a sporting event in New England and was surprised by what he saw and heard. Talk about naïve.

To be that naïve, you would have to believe that opting out of the current CBA was a good thing. Oh wait …

Monday, May 19, 2008

Is Notre Dame the Victim of Fraud?

Charlie Weis won a lot of games with Ty Willingham's players. Then he got huge. And then he got a huge contract. But could Notre Dame actually be the victims of fraud?

If Roger Goodell has no interest in investigating the team and owner that got him the commissioner's job, maybe Notre Dame would be interested in hearing what Matt Walsh has to say. ESPN analyst Steve Young makes the point that Weis' reputation might have been built via watching some video tapes. (Via Pro Football Talk, FanHouse.)

"I remember thinking to myself during some of the runs, 'Charlie Weis is a genius,'" Young said. "I mean, I remember saying that to people: 'This guy is uncanny, how he's able to make these adjustments and just come out and dominate in the second half.' What it's left me to do is, well, I don't know. Did it matter? I could see how it could matter if you put it all together. So it's a tough one. I think that people earn it on the field, and I think you've got to move on and move forward and just recognize that it's not a good thing at the time."

Could this possibly be a loophole to get Notre Dame out of it contract with Weis? (Probably not, and some lawyer type will likely email to point out that I'm full of it.) But for those of you wondering if knowing what plays are coming would be a benefit to a team, ask yourselves how Jon Gruden did in Super Bowl 37 against his former team.

Not to diminish one of the greatest days in sports, but the Buccaneers clearly benefited from Gruden's knowledge and the Raiders stupidity for not mixing up some of the plays.

Notre Dame should look into this.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

The Post Mortem

The NBA deserves a lot of credit. The playoffs have become so predictable with a gluttony of seven-game series, that it is refreshing when the league books a playoff series to only go six games.

Nobody would have blamed the NBA if they would have forced the Lakers to play a seventh game. Who would argue with having one of your marquee franchises (probably the marquee franchise) play an extra game on Sunday? But the NBA not only gave away what would have been its most exciting playoff game of the day, but the had the Lakers close it out on a Friday night.

And do you know why, because the NBA hates the Utah fans that much.

That's right Jazz fans, the NBA hates you and your whining so much, that they fixed Game 6 of this playoff series. And not just for your team to lose, but for your team to lose at home. The ultimate insult.

You may now join the legions of Kings fans who believe that their team was wronged in Game 6 of the conference finals a few years back. (Of course, nobody seems to remember that the Lakers were homered out of the building in Game 5.)

So that is what you are left with Jazz fans. Either accept the reality that your team was outplayed by the Lakers, or take the easy truth in that the league threw away millions of dollars in revenue because your fans blow.

Personally, you have believe the latter.

In other NBA playoff news ...

Congratulations to Danica James for keeping the Cavs close in its loss to the Celtics. But the final moments of that game showed you all you need to know about James and Danica Garnett. These guys were gagging harder than Kate Moss at a buffet. These two masons should team up with Jimmy Carter to help build quality homes for the less fortunate.

What superstar, with his team trailing by three points, runs straight into a host of defenders to throw up a prayer while looking for a foul? James was bashed last year for kicking the ball out on key plays but now you know why he did it. He knew that he wasn't going to make the shot either.

And what in the name of Jesus Shuttleworth is Ray Allen doing out on the court when it counts? He was better off losing in Seattle when nobody cared.


New skipper Joe Torre might wear the Dodgers blue now, but he still has the knack for losing to the Angels. Torre is just merely extending a tradition, though. The Angels have won 16 of their last 20 games against the Dodgers in Anaheim Stadium of Los Angeles. And they also do pretty good in Dodgers Stadium, too. There was a time when these teams split the season series, but that seems such a long time ago.

Now wonder the Angels have taken the LA name, because they own this region.

Mike Napoli was on fire Sunday, and has really flexed some power numbers this season. One of the reporters on the pregame show said that the Angels should consider Napoli as the DH. That would cause some problems if Jeff Mathis started a game and had to come out, but he's certainly earned more at bats with his performance.

  • Lions fans are upset that an employee sent a season-ticket holder a note (intended for another employee) that said, "(Expletive) him until next year.) But isn't that what the Lions have been saying for years by keeping Matt Millen employed?
  • Anybody else notice the numerous empty seats at Yankee Stadium last night as the Mets closed in on an 11-2 victory? Only a smattering of cheering Mets fans remained. Just another example of those soft, leave-early East Coast fans.

The NFL owners are looking to end its labor agreement withe Player's Association, heading towards a 2010 uncapped year. Think of how much money the Los Angeles Raiders (playing in Ed Roski's new stadium) will be throwing throwing around. At least that is the refrain of most Dodgers/Raiders fans.

And who can blame their optimism? The Raiders have had such a long, recent history of signing quality free agents. Who was the Raiders last great free-agent signing? Rich Gannon? Warren Sapp? Maybe it's just the imagination, or maybe it's signing of Super Bowl MVPs going back to Larry Brown, Desmond Howard and most recently Dominic Rhodes (who was the real MVP of Super Bowl 41), but free agency isn't quite the Raiders strong suit.

Nor is hiring decent head coaches.

Or winning. Definitely not winning.

Friday, May 16, 2008

The Weak Ender

A bad year for Tom Brady has become even worse – Gisele is not in the Maxim 100. And not because he gives a (expletive). But because he probably has to hear about it over, and over and over again.

Brady probably doesn't hang out around the house grousing about how his team couldn’t complete a 19-0 season. But he’s never going ever hear the end of this from his girlfriend.

Especially when you consider that some of the gals who beat out Gisele were Tila Tequila (100), Manika Patrick (91), Cameron Diaz (26) and Britney Spears (19).

You can just hear her now.

“Tahmee! Geeve me a break. I can't believe zis, you know? I am top mahdel, you know? I deed Victoria's Secret. Who is this Tila Tequila? She look like Shorty from the Temple of Doom with zee boob job. She daws cheesy television. Zees is no hot. Daneka haz zee empty eyez, like leopard caught in a trap. She does not wake the makeup.”

“Yes Gisele, it’s an outrage.”

“Shut up, errand boy. Go run to zee store for me. Baht first, I must no, who are zees people who still think that the Cameron Diaz is hawt? She look like her face was on fire and it was put out with a golf shoe. I am a mahdel. I am kleen and yawng. She is so washed up. So old At leazt dat beach Jezzica Zimpson didn’t make eet.”

“Actually, she was No. 52."

“What. Zis is an outrage. I hate the Maxim magazine. It’s not as funny as THN anyway.”

That's right!

The annual fighting season begins in Anaheim tonight. Seems that fans of the Dodgers, Yankees and Red Sox can't watch a game without inciting a near-riot. And to be honest, the Dodgers fans are the worst.

For starters, they really can't seem to handle their booze. Maybe it's because they aren't allowed to drink in the parking lot (for good reason). Or maybe it's because the Angels have had more on-field success over the past decade that really drives the point.

Or maybe, to quote Gisele, they are nothing but a bunch of "beaches."

If you are going to the game tonight, be careful.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

THN's Great Bar Debates

Have you ever debated a seriously philosophical question in a bar, and then -- the next morning -- wondered what the heck all of the fuss was about when you, ah, had some time to think about it?

Who hasn’t, right? Budweiser (or maybe it was Coors) made a series of commercials like this posing questions like, Mary Ann or Ginger?

The Hater Nation isn’t above stealing a good idea and The Big Picture isn't either. Last week, voters couldn't decide if they would rather wear Steve Bisheff's toupee or some kid's soiled Brett Favre jersey. But we have a new question for you.

The Utah Jazz have finally become relevant again. After disappearing for a number of years, they are finally back in the playoffs. (Or at least it seems that way.) After Wednesday night's great non-call on Pao Gasol, the Jazz fans are in complete whine mode, like they just found out that 7-up has had caffeine all of these years. Even Jerry Sloan isn't above complaining about bad calls, although opposing teams at the Delta Center (or whatever it's called now) have often played 8-on-5 basketball.

With that in mind, here is this week's question (as suggest by reader MP -- unless he gave this idea to Awful Announcing).

Who has sports most annoying white fans?
New York
Other free polls

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Is this the end of the Sports Dork?

ESPN's Bill Simpson has ripped his employer on the popular Deadspin site saying, among other things, is that "certain promises were not kept." Here is what Will gleaned from the Dork.

Yes, I still work for ESPN. No, I'm not writing for as much — my choice, not theirs. That's just the way it will be from now on, unfortunately. I'd have more to say, but I'd end up being profane and I don't want to offend Buzz Bissinger.

When we inquired further, Simmons went on:

I still love writing my column and only re-signed last year because I really did believe that we had hashed out all the behind the scenes (expletive) and come to some sort of agreement on creative lines, media criticism rules, the promotion of the column and everything else on Within a few months, all of those things changed and certain promises were not kept. It's as simple as that.
As for bad moves, this ranks with Leonard Little downing shots of Patron and reaching for his car keys.

When passing this story along to a former ESPN editor, his response was "Good riddance, primma donna. That's not the first time that an editor from ESPN has describe the Sports Dork in such terms. "Petulant" and "prick" were a couple of other names associated with Boston Billy. And after reading his temper tantrum on Deadspin, you would probably have to side with the editors.

There was a story that Page 2 had its own editor dedicated to Simpson who would get called at all hours of the night if one of the dork's columns was changed in the slightest. That was the reason his column was constantly filled with typos and misspellings. (Not unlike some other, uh, popular websites.) The editors often hung him out to dry.

This whole situation is laughable. There is no question that Simpson is still one of the most popular sports writer out there, and probably the leader in the clubhouse when it comes to volatility. You either love or hate the guy. The web's version of Howard Cosell in some respects.

But he is making a huge error in judgment with this latest move.

You can't blame the dork for allowing his success to go to his head. In the beginning. Who wouldn't have gotten a little carried away? Let's not kid ourselves. Everybody would have have hammed it up.

However, you would have figured that he would have been a little bit humbled when he flamed out on the Jimmy Kimmel show, forcing him to crawl back to ESPN. He also has spent a large number of years in California without selling that great screenplay he's dreamed of. Nor has he made a dent in Hollywood at all.

The truth is, he needs ESPN probably a lot more than ESPN needs him. In other words, he should be kissing the rear of ESPN management, not enraging them.

If the Dork is going to sit on the bench like Chad Johnson, well Rick Reilly is going to take all of his "touches" and will probably excel. ESPN could probably go to FanHouse and pluck a writer from there to carry Page 2, and Simpson would only be a footnote in the history of the Internets. Simpson was certainly in the right place at the right time. Had he come along a year or two later, he would have just been some anonymous a-hole with a blog.

So what's left for the Sports Dork? He is signed through 2010 and can't go anywhere. And when he is a free agent, he'll probably be as attractive as Barry Bonds only with more baggage. He will likely sign somewhere, but never come close to the success he had at ESPN. No matter how many promises they make. ESPN is often vilified on the Internets, but it is still the worldwide leader.

Think of this in pro wrestling terms. Christian left the WWF because he felt that he was not getting a fair enough push. And while he is a main event in TNA, he will never achieve the success he had when he was in the WWF. And that is what the dork is doing, pissing away one of the best gigs going because he's the biggest mark for his own work.

Hope his pride is worth it.

Alyssa Milano

Greetings, it's your old pal McLean Stevenson here, the king of career choices. Being the king allows me to make fun of other people who are making bigger mistakes than I ever did. This is the part where I would link back to my own personal blog. But I don't update my own blog because I have a life.

Just kidding. It's because I'm dead, people. How do you still not get this?

Alyssa Milano is moving on to the NFL.

Not that way, you jerks. Her clothing line is expanding to include the NFL. I have got to agree with Cali Tejano here that you probably won’t see many female Raiders fans wearing this kind of garb. Unless her line expands to flannel shirts and wife beaters.

And maybe a couple of extra sizes, too.

Maybe the Raiders aren’t the right team to market to, especially since most Raiders clothing is acquired via the five-finger discount. Or welfare stamps. But on closer inspection, it seems that those earrings and necklaces also could double as electric monitoring equipment for Raiders fans serving their sentence under house arrest. That’s sure genius of her to combine two great passions in Raiders fans lives, crime and gaudy jewelry.

I have to give her the thumbs up.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Spygate: Finally Over?

The Patriots cheated in Super Bowl 36. Or at least I hope so. Not only do I wish that Matt Walsh was videotaping the St. Louis FC’s final walk through, but as an added bonus, John Madden was there working the telestrator for him. That would only be fitting, considering that football fans in Southern California were cheated out a team by a murdering showgirl.

But the world will probably never know. Walsh met with Commissioner Roger Goodell and there was no “smoking gun.” In other words, there was no tape of the walk-thru.

That we know of.

Not that it would have mattered if Walsh had one. The league previously destroyed tapes collected against the Patriots. Like it was a used copy of Planet of the Apes. (The Mark Walberg one.) So what would stop him from doing it again? Even if Walsh did have the tapes, do you think Goodell would let that information be seen?

Not because it would force Goodell's hand to forfeit the Patriots victory (which can't happen). But rather, would those people who bet on St. Louis’ FC be able to get their money back? Yeah, right.

The best possible scenario was achieved that year. The Patriots used a screwy rule to defeat the Raiders in the playoffs. And then they cheated to defeat the St. Louis FC. Both will leave both opposing franchises mutter, which is probably the sweetest reward of all.

Monday, May 12, 2008

Dungy Still Sanctimonious

Tony Dundy was spreading his “Quiet Stench” (copyright Bain) to Tampa Bay area high school students last week, showing that he was just as self-righteous as ever.

"We talk about how important it is to do things the right way and have integrity so that when you do win, people can never ask that question," he said. "That's the great thing that I'm happy about with our team.

"Yes, we won. But no one is really going to ask, 'Did they cheat? Did they do things the right way?' I think our record speaks for itself and if you're a true champion, that's the way you'd like it to be."

Yes, an obvious shot at Bill Belichick. But is bigotry and discrimination really the “right way” to do things? Because when you compare the two coaches, there seems something a bit more dignified in an honorable thief than this wolf in sheep’s clothing.

And Warner Is Losing Out To Him?

Players who have a few, um, indiscretions can expect to be spoofed on the requisite late-night talk shows and Saturday Night Live. But now it looks like Jeopardy! is getting into the act, taking on Cardinals quarterback Matt Leinart in this clip found on FanHouse.

You can imagine that Nick Lachey was watching this at home when he threw a Coors Light at the television screaming,"I was at that (expletive) party, too!"

Yeah, like he was watching Jeopardy!.

Sadly, this wasn't the worst thing that has happened to the Cardinals this year.

The Post Mortem: Get Off Your Cell Phone!

As pointed out in the comment section of The Weak Ender, some breaking news came through on Friday after that story was put to bed. Too bad this Internets medium doesn’t have a way to make changes when news breaks.

Danica Patrick did hit some dude on pit row, which was kind of a surprise. A surprise that it took so long for this to happen.

Just kidding.

This would be a fine time to poke fun at Patrick, maybe saying that she should spend so more time watching the track and less time working on her makeup in the rear-view mirror. But (and this is taking a cue from Bain), THN is above such things.

But putting on makeup certainly was not a problem judging from the video.

Danica does take her fair share of criticism but to be fair, this accident doesn’t seem like her fault. Why was that dude walking out there anyway? And it seems that being on pit row would certainly be the place where you would want to have your head on a swivel. Cars seem to be traveling pretty fast.

Seriously, dudes running from the Hard Rock to Club Paradise in Las Vegas are more attentive than this idiot in the pits. That guy kind of got what he deserved.

Thank you to The Hatriot for taking time away from his LDS services on Sunday to post on the Lakers and Jazz series. The Lakers totally got out of their game-plan in overtime and just couldn't get anything to fall. Kobe must be hurting because he looked like the love-child of LeBron James and Kevin Garnett out there in the clutch.

But those Jazz fans, they never learn. They crushed Kobe when he was air-balling a bunch of shots as a rookie. Taking great delight in beating him. However, in the end, Kobe got over on them. And he will get over on them again. Thanks to the loss on Sunday, Kobe is going to get over on them again in Game 6 to end this thing.

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Lakers @ Jazz

An NBA spokesman announced that attendance at today's Lakers/Jazz playoff game in Salt Lake City may be significantly below the average for such games. The reason? "Let's not forget today is Mothers' Day" the spokesman said, "Or as it's known in Utah- The Most Confusing Day of the Year!"

Now, I know some SoCals may snicker or make fun of JazzFan's predicament, but have a heart. Many of us know how hard it can be to find the right gift to show the mother of our children how much we appreciate her. Do you have any idea how hard is to find 23 Little House on The Prarie dresses in junior-miss sizes?

What? Too soon?

Friday, May 09, 2008

The Weak Ender

Derek Jeter is (expletive)ing his way to the middle. Jeter has been linked to six members of Maxim's (which is way funnier than THN) Hot 100 list.

The ladies are Jessica Biel, Scarlett Johansson, Mariah Carey, Vanessa Minnillo, Gabrielle Union and Jessica Alba.

Funny this list might have been more relevant back in the early part of the decade. Back when the Yankees were relevant, too.

Scarlett Johansson, never really did it for me. Two words about Mariah Carey: Crazy. Vanessa Minnillo has been linked to Nick Lachey, which kind of fits in with Jeter. Although Jeter's smart enough to never appear at any house parties where beer bongs are in play. Gabrielle Union, alright that's not bad. Jessica Alba on these hot lists is the equivalent of some drunk at a bar yelling "Free Bird" to the house band. And Jessica Biel is one Adam Sandler movie away from joining Jeter in doing infomercials.

But what do you expect from a guy who is so jealous of Alex Rodriguez that he won't do the right thing and let the better player take over at shortstop?

Thanks to Titan Tim for sending the link.

Seriously guys, do you really think that you are that important? Remember that Red Sox fan who mouthed off to some Yankees broad and got run over for his troubles? Some delusional Sox fans are trying to get the team to honor him. Yeah, the Red Sox probably love being linked to this story. Yes, this guy laid down his life to support his team.

You know that this is just a precursor to this a-hole's family suing the Yankees, right?

Could you imagine what would happen if the NFL had to do this every time a Raiders fan killed somebody? Please, please, please get over yourselves Boston.

MJD over at the Shutdown Corner found this little ditty where Patriots fans are tying to get an apology from some writer who claimed that Matt Walsh had tapes of New England taping the St. Louis FC walk through prior to Super Bowl 36.

We the fans of the National Football League (NFL) and the New England Patriots demand that the Boston Herald and writer Mr. John Tomase issue an explanation or written apology as to why Mr. Tomase wrote in an article dated February 2nd, 2008 that there was videotape evidence, which showed that the New England Patriots illegally videotaped the walkthrough (sic) of the Saint Louis (FC) the day before Super Bowl XXXVI(36). The integrity of the NFL as well as the New England Patiots organization has been in question since this article was issued, resulting in significant damage to those involved.

Just stop it, people. How about a compromise. You get Curt Schilling to admit that he faked the bloody sock, and this guy will come clean.

Darren McFadden is going to ruin Al Davis' plan for another Top 5 pick this season.

Who are the worst sons ever? You don't want to know who Chris Benoit voted for.

Awesome. Check out this link, they now have Corona in a can.

Here's wishing that Utah embarrasses themselves tonight by again booing Derek Fisher who had the audacity of wanting to get the best cancer care for his young daughter.

That pretty much says it all.

Thursday, May 08, 2008

THN's Great Bar Debates

Have you ever debated a seriously philosophical question in a bar, and then -- the next morning -- wondered what the heck all of the fuss was about when you, ah, had some time to think about it?

Who hasn’t, right? Budweiser (or maybe it was Coors) made a series of commercials like this posing questions like, Mary Ann or Ginger?

The Hater Nation isn’t above stealing a good idea and last week, most of you sickos thought that Billy Ray Cyrus already had relations with his daughter. You all are sick.

THN's is going to be inviting an old friend over for this week's question. We all know about David Whitthoft, the kid who wore the Brett Favre jersey for 1,500 days.

So what would you rather do, THN fans?

What would you rather wear for 1,500 days?
David Whitthoft's Brett Favre jersey
Steve Bisheff's toupee
Free polls from

We were going to let you roll into obscurity Bisheff, but you just can't help stealing for us.

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Happy Anniversary Raiders

On this date in 1982, the Raiders defeated the NFL in court allowing the team to relocate to Los Angeles. Probably the only time you root for the Raiders is when they are competing against the league in court. Too bad there aren't any Raiders fans in the court room to take out a league employee or two.

Well, they are in court, but are typically shackled to a desk.

This story does have a happy ending as the Raiders occupation of Los Angeles finally ended in 1994. Funny, and Al Davis thought they would be greeted as liberators but everybody was happy to see them leave.

From Hard Time to Hard Knocks

The Cowboys acquisition of Pacman Jones finally makes sense as it was officially announced that America's team will be featured on HBO's Hard Knocks. This is the made-for-TV event of the century. Hopefully the producers of Hard Knocks will push Pacman Jones into going to a strip club of six, maybe even personally offering him a ride.

Actually, Jones should go to a strip club while he is being filmed. That way, when a gun-fight breaks out, he will have evidence that he was not involved in the melee. That would be a good way to show Roger Goodell that he can behave.

Former Bengals receiver Chris Henry has received permission to have his house arrest suspended for a tryout with another team. Henry’s agent confirmed that a team does want to bring his client into camp, but won’t say which one.

This has to be the Cowboys right? Like you almost imagine that HBO is going to force the Cowboys to bring in Chris Henry for a tryout right? If Henry is on the show, this has a chance to surpass the Real World Las Vegas for biggest train wreck in reality TV history.

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Don't Throw It To Danica James

Danica James was derided last season for passing up potential game-winning shots and now we know why. The dude makes Kevin Garnett look clutch. Seriously, what the hell was that last-minute attempt? First he took about 20 steps, then he just kind of flung the ball in the air like he was begging for a foul or something. He realizes this is no longer the regular season, right?

This game was exasperated because ESPN was showing the 1987 NBA Finals earlier in the day. You know, back when a first quarter score would be around 38-35. (Which was the halftime of this abortion.)

This Cleveland/Boston series has the potential to be one of the worst in NBA history because neither team seems that interested in winning. And you have to believe that as the pressure mounts, this will only get worse.

Cheap Parents Finally Buy Kid New Shirt

This kid is a fan.

Twelve-year-old David Witthoft wore a red Nike shirt to school on April 24.

It's significant because on each of the previous 1,581 days, Witthoft wore the Brett Favre jersey he received as a gift for Christmas 2003 when he was just 7.

Meanwhile, my nephew opened his Philip Rivers jersey on his birthday and said, "Oh boy, a RAIDERS jersey." And then the punk refused to put it on, giving it instead to his sister (who I like better anyway).

Congratulations on the committment. Keeping a kid's attention for 1,500 seconds is tough (that's 25 minutes, slackers), much less 1,581 days. That kid must have been a joy at birthday parties and weddings, showing up in that dog damn jersey. Hey David, it's my wedding chief, do you think you might throw on a collar shirt for once?

And nice bit of parenting, too. How much money did that couple save by not having to buy him clothes for four years? The likely story is that David's parents probably rolled up a huge gambling tab at Foxwoods and when their growing kid came asking about new clothes, they concocted this "streak" to get them out of updating his wardrobe. Four years? That shirt probably looked more like a teenage girl's belly shirt instead of a jersey. The parents probably pretend that they are Scotish so they could send him to school wrapped in a towel. Hell, he probably has to make his own Christmas presents.

The family also is considering sending the jersey to the Packers Hall of Fame. Seriously.

If the Packers Hall of Fame will allow us to speak for them: Keep your (expletive )jersey. We're good with our Don Hutson and Vince Lombardi memorabilia. You know, people who actually played the (expletive) game. The last thing we (expletive) need is some kid's dog damn jersey. Especially because there is no guarantee that he washed that thing every day."

Monday, May 05, 2008

Lil' Hater Remembers: Eight Belles

When I heard everyone talking about another horse-faced female 'athlete' getting hurt, I thought, 'whoa, when did the WNBA season start again?'

What, too soon?

When I first heard about a horse having an accident in front of a bunch of cameras, I thought that Sara Jessica Parker was having trouble on the set of the Sex in the City movie. That would have been a tragedy if anything happened to that picture.

Seriously though, if you're a horse doctor, all that means is that you have an NRA membership and friends at Alpo, right? How can you flunk the horse medicine course at vet school, the book is only 1 page long -- "In case of illness, shoot the horse", right?


LT Retiring Soon?

LaDainian Tomlinson was the guest on ESPN’s Sunday night conversation and said that he would prefer to walk away from the game on top instead of making an a-hole out of himself by hanging on too long.

Like Shaun Alexander.

There will be those who will suggest that Tomlinson already retired during the 2007 AFC Championship Game, but that is a little bit extreme. He didn’t play in the second half of the game at Indianapolis, either. Tomlinson would be joining the likes of other running backs who surprised everybody with retirement – Jim Brown, Barry Sanders, Robert Smith and Ricky Williams. Ha, maybe not Williams. But a pretty decent list.

Funny, the common theme with all of those running backs is that they retired without winning a Super Bowl title. And as long as Norv Turner is coaching in San Diego, odds are that Tomlinson will be joining that list. But don’t get too excited about this news, it’s not like LT is going to retire before training camp and leave the team with Jacob Hester.

But life without LT is going to be a stark reality for the Chargers in the near future.

You can watch the entire interview here.

Leonard Little is a Yankees Fan

A Yankees fan – not Leonard Little, a hillbilly from New Hampshire actually – ran her car into a group of Red Sox fans who stood outside of a bar taunting her. The woman struck one Boston fan, who later died of head wounds.

The question on everybody’s mind is obviously this –- why would you want to ruin their car by hitting a Red Sox fan? Although it finally brings some truth to this old joke:

What’s the difference between a dead dog on the road and a dead Red Sox fan on the road?

There are skid marks in front of the dog.

What, too soon?

Sunday, May 04, 2008

The Post Mortem

Big news this weekend as Colts receiver Marvin Harrison was wanted in questioning for shooting Kentucky Derby participant, Eight Belles. Or something like that. There certainly was a lot of shooting going on this weekend.

The charge of animal cruelty will once again be waged against horse racing, but let’s be realistic here. Only a handful of horses are lost each year due to injuries from horse racing. But what happens when a racers career is over? They are sent out to stud farm.

In other words, they live out their lives like your average trailer park resident, only without the meth labs in the stables.

Not a bad gig and maybe worth the risk, right? The stud farm is a lot better than the alternative that most NFL players face when their playing career is over.

And maybe instead of condemning horse racing, we should be finding ways to add its subtleties in our other sports. For instance, imagine if a trainer on the Chargers sideline put LaDainian Tomlinson down after he injured his leg in the AFC Championship Game. Tomlinson might have had a different attitude about playing in pain, right. Maybe we should be holding our other sports to the higher standards that horse racing has for its participants.

The moment you can’t perform, you are put down. Tom Brady was injured in the Super Bowl? Too bad, put him down. That would add more excitement, right.

Of course, there are those athletes who already have taken the role of stud a little too far already. Isn't that right, Steve Garvey, Shawn Kemp and Travis Henry.

  • For you deranged souls, here is a copy of Eight Belles being put down, that you can see right here.
How far are we off the Paula Creamer (upper right) bandwagon? Wow, is the LPGA starting to take a cue from professional tennis? Funny though, when you search Google for Creamer you find a lot of photos of Natalie Gublis. Which seems odd because Creamer is more attractive and is actually a much better player.

The question you might be asking right now is why am I watching women's golf, and the only answer is because the alternative was NBA basketball. And once some Atlanta Hawks hero leveled a Boston Cellbitch with a clothesline, there was really nothing of interest in Sunday's games. And when Rondo was leveled, you know Tommy Heinsohn threw his remote at the television and screamed, "Only Celtics can throw clotheslines."

  • Congratulations to Cedric Benson for taking his career further in the dumps by being arrested on a lake, like he as a Minnesota Viking or something. Now his NFL career isn't the only bust in his life. And speaking of busts, hopefully well-noted Bears fan and THN reader Dr. Doug, along with Frank H., have recovered from me busting them out of the winners table in a poker tournament on Saturday night.
  • Title IX is really carrying its weight now that beach volleyball has become a collegiate sport. Rumor has it that Arizona State will be looking to field the first every collegiate "Foxy Boxy" team.

You may or may not be familiar with the name Steve "The Bish" Bisheff, who was an unknown columnist for one of the LA-area dailies until he reached fame at The Hater Nation. The Bish was known for his bad rug and for blatantly stealing from THN. For instance, THN's view on offsides from the Weak Ender on 06/09/06.

Imagine Terrell Owens beating a cornerback in a one-on-one coverage, getting wide open and then having the safety stop running, letting the receiver get by him. Owens would then be called for offsides and the play would be nullified. The Packers tried that strategy to no avail last year.

The following week the Bish wrote "Imagine Randy Moss beating a cornerback in one-on-one coverage, getting wide open and then having the safety stop running, letting the receiver get by him."

At least he changed T.O. to Moss, but the theft was still clear. And there was speculation that the incident led to Bisheff being fired from the Register.

The Bish is no blogging for some website and you will be pleased to know that he is still stealing his ideas from The Hater Nation.

Friday, May 02, 2008

The Weak Ender

The Hater Nation is on pins-and-needles with each passing day as a new Roger Clemens allegation surfaces. Because you know eventually, somebody is going to try to connect Clemens to THN Cover Girl Alyssa Milano.

Clemens loves his girls young. Milano has dated baseball players in the past. You can just imagine the sight of Clemens hanging around the set of Commando, glad-handing Arnold all in a vein attempt to get closer to Milano. Rat bastard.

Thankfully, Alyssa seems a little too attractive compared to some of the Westminster Kennel Club members he’s been linked to.

This situation also has gotten to the point where the only satisfying payoff will be Clemens being driven by Andy Petite in a white Ford Bronco, brandishing a gun to his head. Either that or he can hangout with a bottle of pills while listening to some old Ozzy Osborune records.

Very rare are the times when the SEC is to be applauded, but the conference was heavily lobbying for a four-team playoff system. And that seems very odd. The SEC gets a team in the national championship game seemingly every year, no matter how many losses its best team has.

And yes Auburn fans, cry me a river. Just be glad you were not humiliated by USC that year.

Now, without looking at the SEC’s proposal, it’s idea for a four-team playoff was likely a little skewed. If there is ever going to be a playoff in college football, it should only have one team from every conference, and not the four teams from some conference in the south, which was likely proposed.

A playoff would be cool, but in the end, you are going to have the same problems you have now. A team like Boise State will not get invited, while Georgia and Florida make it into a four-team playoff. So what will it really accomplish? The SEC should be thankful of the current system because really, we’d probably be looking at a different national champion today if LSU and USC played last year. Oh yes, it would be different.

With the NFL Draft over and done, we’ve hit kind of a lull in the sports calendar. The NBA playoffs will not get interesting until the Lakers and Spurs are playing in the conference finals. They typically entertaining NHL playoffs sucked this round. Right down to the Divealanche living up to its name. The Champions League has been pretty good. Baseball is entertaining, but we aren’t in pressing mode.

Hell, if it wasn’t for Clemens and the Mail Man banging under-aged broads, there would be nothing to talk about. Is there a statute of limitations on this kind of stuff?

Thursday, May 01, 2008

Hockey Talkaboot With Pierre LePud

With the Stanley Cup playoffs well under way, THN invites Canadian media baron, impresario, and founder Pierre Lepud, to discuss a subject close to his heart, the Western Conference Semifinal between the Detroit Red Wings and the Colorado Avalanche.

Greetings, The Hater Nation! I join you today from the province of Quebec (pronounced "keh-BECK") to talk aboot hockey, something my friend NFL Adam assures me you know little aboot.

Have you been watching the Wings/Avalanche series? Of course not you haven't! Ten people, perhaps eleven, have watched this or any other NHL playoff series this year. But so (expletive) what? As long as one of those people is Elisha Cuthbert, we're gonna talk hockey, and if the rest of you hosers don't like it you can bathe my effing puppet.

Fact is, you really should be watching this year's Wings/Avs series. For one thing, as even the most custodial of THN readers knows, Wings/Avs is still the professional sports event most likely to provide footage for upcoming Faces Of Death installments. Forget UFC, where meth-addled clods in unitards demonstrate courtship dances from Riker's Island. The Wings and the Avalanche do not want to sit on each other's faces, they want to kill each other, and it can happen right before your eyes. Indeed, when the camera pans across the ice at Joe Louis Arena, you're never quite sure if that slimy, tentacled mass at center ice is an octopus or Peter Forsberg's hysterectomy.

Secondly, this is the best Wings/Avs series yet.

The other day I was having lunch at L'Queefe (pronounced "luh-kee-FAY") in Montreal (pronounced "mon-RE-all") with my fellow Canadian impresarios Guy Pantaloons, Gordon Pispotte, and Patrice LeFontaine-Dejardins. The subject of hockey came up, of all things, as Patrice put forth the question of what makes a great Wings/Avalanche series. Fifteen minutes of scribbling on cocktail napkins produced the following list of criteria, which I present to you hosers thusly.

When an octopus was thrown onto the ice at the beginning of Game 2, Avs new guy Cody "No penalty is too dumb" McLeod snatched it up and angrily hurled it at the stands. The Divealanche lost that game, 5-1, prompting Captain Joe "Milk, toast, and rock 'n' roll" Sakic to declare a new rule to his locker room: "Hey! Don't touch the octopus, hosers!"

Peter Forsberg, known lovingly as "Floppa" to his fans, is back, and he's diving all over the place. In fact, the only remaining skill Floppa apparently brought back to the playoffs with him is his ability to defy gravity in search of a cheap power play. During a breakway in game 3, Floppa executed a flawless Triple Lindy after being breathed upon by Johan Franzen. The refs didn't bite, no matter how much Forsberg followed them around the ice whining, the only other of Floppa's talents he appears to still possess.

A Swedish word meaning "ostrich meat weiner," Aftonbladet is Sweden's top newspaper and the arch-enemy of LePud Media Enterprises.. They have nothing to do with this series, really. I just like to bitch them whenever I get a soapbox.

Napolean Syndrome
When a team is down 3-0 in a best-of-seven series it means they're getting schooled, right? If you answered "yes" (or are over 5' 2" tall for that matter) don't look for a job in the Denver sports media. As any Denver sports media whore worth his lifts knows, the real reason the Dives are down is because of the ongoing, league-wide NHL conspiracy to deny Colorado's superiority by failing to call a five-minute major resulting in a penalty shot and a game misconduct suspension every time an Avalanche player falls down.

Adrian Dater in the Denver Post -- "Peter Forsberg had his feet taken out from under him, and looked up for the penalty he felt was sure to come his way. It would give the Avalanche a two- man advantage and a great chance at evening up Game 3 against the Red Wings. The call never came."

You thought I was making it up, didn't you..

Dives Lose
As Divealanche homer Peter McNabb hollers on Altitude Sports broadcasts, "Oooooooh! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!"

Well, that's about all the hockey I have time to talk aboot. Wasn't so hard, was it hosers? Before I go, one more observation for you football pansies to ponder.

Tony Romo is the leader of Dallas' NFL team.
Mike Modano is the leader of Dallas' NHL team
Tonight, somewhere in Dallas, Tony Romo will go home and be greeted by Jessica Simpson.
Tonight, somewhere in Dallas, Mike Modano will go home and be greeted by this...

Now that right there, hosers, is what it's all aboot!