Friday, April 18, 2008

The Weak Ender

The possibility of an NFL team moving to Los Angeles brings to mind one of the greatest professional football teams in history.

The Los Angeles Xtreme.

In what other sports league could a fan walk up to the ticket window of the championship game and buy a second-row seat?

Alright, other than the WNBA. But we're talking sports here.

Walking down the steps to your own seat for the Million Dollar Game gave you plenty of time to ask, "Why and the hell is there a platform on the field right in front of my seat?"

Turns out it was the cheerleading platform. The LA Xtrem girls ranked somewhere between the Avengers broads and the gals on the Replacements. Nothing says football more than having an obstructed view because it was tough to watch the field through the twirling girls.

But, as somebody who has been a spectator at both a Super Bowl and Million Dollar Game, dealing with the cheerleader obstruction was more appealing than the blue-blooded stiffs you normally find at a Super Bowl. Let's just say that you didn't have to worry about spilling beer on some dame's Chanel dress at an XFL game.

And speaking of beer; The lone drawback was that the huge climb to the beer stand at the Coliseum nearly ruined a buzz. So we had the idea of sending our buddy’s 10-year-old son on a beer run. We definitely felt like idiots moments after he left when it dawned on us that there was a two-beer limit per customer. Morons, right?

Imagine our surprise when that little kid brought back four beers. Lord knows how he pulled it off (maybe that rule doesn't apply to minors), but there will never be anything like it again.

To hell with the NFL, Ed Roski should try to get the XFL started again.

The stadium, according to Roski, is a done deal. (Dig that fancy LA football history chart.) Now comes the hard part – finding an NFL team to play in it. The Raiders are the most likely candidate, with the Chargers not far behind. The Spanos family must react really quickly to this situation because if they wait too long, the Raiders are going to grab the opportunity.

But what about some of the other names floating out there? The Bills, Vikings, Saints and Jaguars all have been floated as possibilities, though they would seem far less likely that the two of the current California residents. (Hey, the 49ers need a new home, too.) The great thing about the four listed teams, though, is that it would give Los Angeles a fresh start.

If the Bills, Vikings, Saints and Jaguars do move out here, they should be required to shed its name, logo and all records, causing the team to go defunct. Similar to what happened when Raven moved to Baltimore. Losing the Rams would have been a lot more palpable if the St. Louis FC was forced to do this.

Hell, Jacksonville might not even realize they lost a team if that was to happen. That way, the Los Angeles team could start with a fresh start with a new name. Like maybe the Xtreme.

Imagine, a ring of honor stretching around the stadium with some of the greatest names in LA football history: Elroy Hirsch, Eric Dickerson, Tommy Maddox, and the corpse of Georgia Frontandrearie

There is an apathetic response to Roski’s announcement across the country because most people feel that LA doesn’t want a team. And that’s just utter (expletive). If there was an NFL team here, they would have no trouble filling a stadium. Providing that they win.

And really, that makes Los Angeles sports fans more sophisticated than the rest of the country. Most college towns would have killed for the success of the Paul Hackett-era USC Trojans. But the school had a higher expectation, got a real coach and now it is nearly impossible to find a ticket to a USC game.

Listen, you can’t open a movie theater and show Glitter, Gigli, and Pearl Harbor, then be surprised when nobody shows up. You are going to have to win out here to survive. And even then, the Dodgers continue to draw even though they haven’t won a World Series since 1988.

This town is ready for pro football. Only the transplants – who are actually the worst sports fans in the world – are the only ones complaining. And you know what, (expletive) them. If they want to watch Browns games, then they can go down to Papagorgio's Hole in the Wall Pizzeria.

The Chiefs are out to challenge the Raiders for being the worst team in the NFL by dangling star defensive end Jared Allen. The Vikings and Buccaneers are two of the teams in the running for Allen's services.

The strange thing is that this wouldn't be a bad move for the Chiefs. They are going to blow next season because of their quarterback. They were in the playoffs only two years ago, but Brodie Croyle isn't going to get it done. And if they draft a guy this year, he isn't going to get it done either. So why waste the money and valuable years of Allen's career, when you can send him to a contender like Tampa Bay. If the Buccaneers can land him by only dealing draft picks and no players (Jovan Haye has been reported), then this could push them over the top in the NFC.


Charles Nelson Riley said...

I don't know who designed that stadium, but does he do a line of scarves?

Bokolis said...

Such a pretty stadium...good luck landing a team. All six teams are suspects. You can't put anything past Al.

I don't think the Chargers will go b/c the Spanos family has too much vested in San Diego and because there seems to be an abnormal (relative to the city's laid back attitude) interest in / support for football.

With the exception of Jacksonville, lifting a team from the other cities will be a knock-down, drag-out fight.

LA has no viable beef re: losing the Rams name. The name left the same way it came. It would be the same deal if the Lakers or Clippers left.

Good shit.

Giselle Bundchen said...

I've invited that stadium to gallivant around Europe with me.

Andy Rooney said...

Have you ever wondered why Falco can help the Washington Generals make the playoffs and have a hit song in the same lifetime ?

Mr. Goodell said...

I still don't know how many times I have to tell you douchebags, but you arent getting a team. I might have said some things when I was campaigning to be the commish, but you Angelenos can go fuck yourselves now. There isn't a team coming anytime soon.

Bain said...

Any truth to the rumor that LA's new stadium will be called the Pucker Dome?

Tony Dungy said...

I don't wish to downgrade anyone, but the Colts will not play in that stadium.

farley said...

Even Adam thinks that stadium needs to butch up!!

Just sayin

Charlton Heston said...


DAWUSS said...

All that's missing now is a 10 foot pole, Lil' Hater, Yiddish Steel, and CAPPY

Diane said...

I had a yen for an NFL team to return to LA/OC. But now that I have a 42 inch HDTV? Eh, not so much.

BostonSucksMyBlog said...

Brodie Croyle blows. And so does his wife, i hope. What a piece.

Cali Tejano said...

Send the Clowns --I mean, the Chargers up north. They can't sell out a playoff game without one of the Indian casinos buying the leftover tickets one hour before the TV blackout deadline.

NFL Adam said...

LA has no viable beef re: losing the Rams name. The name left the same way it came.

The Rams did come from Cleveland, but I don't remember Dan Reeves drowning the owner to get control of the team.

Anonymous said...

Take Buffalo. Ten months of winter and all they do is lose. They need a change of scenery quick.