Monday, April 28, 2008

Roger Clemens

Greetings, it's your old pal McLean Stevenson here, the king of career choices. Being the king allows me to make fun of other people who are making bigger mistakes than I ever did. This is the part where I would link back to my own personal blog, but I don't update it because I have a life.

Just kidding. It's because I'm dead, people. How do you still not get this?


Congratulations to Roger Clemens. Nobody considers you a steroid-abusing (expletive) anymore. You have now joined the ranks of pedophile. Clemens is believed to have had an affair with Mindy McCready.

But Clemens wants you to know that he did not have a sexual relationship with McCready. Clemens has been so forthcoming in the rest of his life that there really is no reason to doubt him here when he says that his relationship with McCready was not inappropriate .

But here’s the rub, is having any relationship with a 15-year old girl a appropriate? Does anybody else feel good about the explanation? What does a professional baseball player talk about with a 15-year-old girl in the 1990s?

“Mindy, I really think I’m losing some steam on my fastball. The pressure of being a professional athlete is really getting to me. What do you think?”

“Oh my God, did you see Beverly Hills 90210 last night? Brandon is so hot.”

The amazing thing isn’t that he was having an affair with a 15-year-old girl 10 years ago, but rather that he could spend 15 minutes with a teenage girl. This normally wouldn’t hurt your vocation if you were making music or movies, but this likely will have a significant impact on your baseball career. I have to go thumbs down. McCready also gets a thumbs down for getting all of this publicity without having to get naked for Playboy.

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

Can't you find a picture of him in a Red Sox hat? He was nailing that kid when he was in Boston.

Bain said...

This is teed up pretty high for someone to come in with a ref to "grass on the infield," but it's not going to be The Bain.

Diane said...

Bush is expanding Clemens' presidential pardon even as I type.

Cali Tejano said...

Let's put this in perspective. This happened back when another noted Republican thought it was okay to "allegedly" tap the babysitter in the Jacuzzi.

Remember this fucking guy?

No pun intended, but if Roger gets off he can always host a Yankees pregame show on YES network.

Bain said...

Look, a lot of comment monkeys would come in right about now with some crack about Clemens being spotted backstage at a Hannah Montana concert carrying a four-pack of Bacardi Breezers, but Bain does not roll like that.

The Hatriot said...

Look. Whatever you're thinking, there is absolutely no relationship between subscribing to an authoritarian mindset and engaging in deviant sexual behavior that requires secrecy in order to sustain itself.

Signed,

The Catholic Church and The Republican Party

10 Foot Poll said...

No way.

Bain said...

Look, it would be easy to make a joke here about Clemens standing at the Prize Counter at Chuck E. Cheese's with a fistful of tickets he's won at the Pitch 4 Prizes game and asking the attendant, "How many of these for a Trojan?" but I think I've established that I just won't go there.

Chris Benoit said...

Let's not get tasteless here, guys.

Miley Cyrus said...

I wonder if it is Roger Clemens who keeps drunk dialing me late at night.

Karl Malone said...

I see nothing wrong this this.