Tuesday, April 22, 2008

NFL Draft Preview: 64 Lines about 32 Teams

Arizona Cardinals. Running back is the biggest need for this team, as Edgerrin James has been a bust and is getting old. But the biggest need might be a baby sitter, or at least a common sense coach for Matt Leinart.

Atlanta Falcons. A quarterback with a strong arm, good downfield vision and an aversion to dog fighting is a top priority. Brett Favre said he would come back if his old team needed him and the Falcons – who originally drafted him – sure do need him.

Raven. Congratulations on your ninth consecutive year of needing a quarterback. Too bad there isn’t one in this draft worthy of picking up, so enjoy Colt Brennan.

Buffalo Bills. Remember when the Bills were brimming with offensive playmakers? That memory is a fuzzy as Jim Kelly’s following a night of boilermakers and Jager Bombs.

Carolina Panthers. This team doesn’t need a running back as much as it needs to training staff to keep everybody healthy. This team has lost a top quarterback, running back and receiver semingly every year for the past decade.

Chicago Bears. They laugh at Raven’s struggles to land a quarterback. The team on Lake Michigan has been dry at the position since Jim McMahon was slammed to the Soldier Field turf by Charles Martin.

Cincinnati Bengals. The Bengals have refused to trade Chad Johnson to the Redskins who offered first- and third- round picks. But you can't blame the team for not wanting to trade away one of the few players who hasn't been arrested.

Cleveland Browns. The team scored a lot of points behind quarterback Derek Anderson and first-round pick, tackle Joe Thomas. And they will need to again score a lot of points if they don’t get an elite cover cornerback.

Dallas Cowboys. How about a quarterback who won’t choke? Or at the very least, one that doesn’t succumb to the muff. (Via the Hatriot.)

Denver Broncos. With no free-agent Browns to poach, the Broncos might have to draft a defensive lineman. A custodian to pick up McDonald’s bags also remains a priority.

Detroit Lions. The team is looking to possibly move up in the draft to take quarterback Matt Ryan. Don't they watch the NFL draft -- those guys always take a tumble down the draft board.

Green Bay Packers. Without Favre, defensive backs won’t get as much practice at intercepting passes. Has Aaron Rogers ever played a game where he didn’t leave injured?

Houston Texans. This team has never solved its offensive line problems, meaning they will need to find another young quarterback to sacrifice. But none will ever have hair as cool as David Carr.


Indianapolis Colts. The defense is once again a concern, after coming together long enough to win Super Bowl 41. Jim Sorgi’s mom won't allow the Colts to draft backup quarterback.

Jacksonville Jaguars. This team is as interesting offensively as your typical TGI Friday’s – which is one of the few places that you can eat in Jacksonville. This team hasn’t had a big-play receiver since Jimmy Smith and Keenan McCardell.

Kansas City Chiefs. The team traded away Jared Allen and now has five picks in the first 82 of the draft. Maybe they won't ignore the offensive line like they did last year.


Miami Dolphins. The team kicked off the draft a few days early by selecting tackle Jake Long. Let's hope they don't waste the first ten minutes of the draft announcing this deal.

Minnesota Vikings. The team traded away three picks for Jared Allen who is young and fills a very big need for the team. Let's just hope this isn't a replay of the Herschel Walker deal.

New England Patriots. Most will say a new camera operator, but these team needs to get young in a hurry. But given the chance, you know that Bill Belichick would draft a 30-year old defensive player if he could.

New Orleans Saints. Would canoes be too soon? Not to make a Katrina joke, but rather because the defense is a sinking ship that can’t stop anybody from scoring.

New York Giants. The team’s most glaring need is at quarterback, but The Messiah has probably cemented his place with the franchise. Somewhere Trent Dilfer must lament that he never got his chance to repeat with Raven.

New York Jets. If the team ever wants to be seen as anything other than the Giants JV team, they need to draft a legitimate superstar like Darren McFadden. They probably won't get the chance because ...


Oakland Raiders. The signing of Huggy Bear Jr. was just a smoke screen because you know this team really covets McFadden, especially if Chris Long is off the board. Go ahead, make the deal -- just try to sign him before Labor Day.

Philadelphia Eagles. They drafted the quarterback of the future last year, now they only need to draft a receiver to actually play him. But with this team's history of drafting receivers, they might want to look somewhere else.


Pittsburgh Steelers. If you listen to the quarterback, they need a tall receiver who won’t get lost when the Punt, Pass and Kick participants run on the field. They also need a lineman to replace the one they refused to pay.

St. Louis FC. The offensive line has so many holes, you could plant flags in them and play a round of golf. But in typical fashion of living in the Raiders' shadow, they have to take Chris Long.


San Diego Chargers. Life is good when you only have to draft a replacement for your backup running back. But depth could also become an issue again if the off-duty San Diego area cops start opening fire on the team -- again.

San Francisco 49ers. The team did forfeit a high draft pick to the Patriots, but the good news is that they won’t have to overpay for some of the marginal talent in this draft. Alex Smith and Shaun Hill aren’t good, but is anything else in this draft better?

Seattle Seahawks. Remember when Shaun Alexander was an MVP-caliber running back? Neither do the Seahawks who released him on Tuesday.


Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Coach Jon Gruden likes to collect quarterbacks, too bad he doesn’t have many players who can catch the passes. Missing out on Jared Allen also is tough on this team.


Tennessee Titans. If they could find a running back who weighed less than 250 pounds, this team might only attempt about 20 passes this season. Not a bad option when Justin Gage is your top receiver.

Washington Redskins. If Ben Roethlisberger thinks he has it bad, at least his receivers are better than the Skins’ homage to the Smurfs who would do well in a 6-foot and under basketball league. No wonder they are so hyped to get Chad Johnson.

7 comments:

Kaiser said...

Thank god shaun alexander is gone. Seattle is tired of seeing his "dancing with the stars" practice after every handoff.

Fletch said...

"a common sense coach"

Bill, is that you?

Nice Bengals line.

Bain said...

Off duty cops, Raiderfans, teams dancing on their logo... is there anyone who doesn't pick on the Chargers? Yeesh, is there a bigger bunch of whiners in the NFL than Hat?

And btw, Hat needs a quarterback like you people need mudflaps on your houses.

NFL Adam said...

Don't forget the Bain always giving Hat the business, too.

Old Skool Raider Fan said...

McFadden will be a Raider! But it in the books bitches!!!

Mr. Goodell said...

You couldn't donate a few lines to me, the star of the show? Remember last year how a gave a shout out to Raiders fans before announcing their first pick? That was me showing some damn flair. Not like that stiff Tagliabue. So why don't you spend a little bit time talking about me, Mr. Goodell?

Cali Tejano said...

The Cardinals need Cindy McCain and her beer distributorship money (and beer) to buy the team to keep Leinhart in Phoenix when his contract's up.